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Reki’s knee started bouncing uncontrollably as Langa leaned his head on his shoulder. There shouldn’t have been any good reason for it; everything was happening just like it would on any regular day. After Langa had won the race against Adam, everything pretty much went back to normal.
This day, today, right now, was normal. They were at the skate park thirty minutes before the sun was supposed to set, watching skating videos on YouTube and trying to figure out how to pull off new tricks. Langa laid his head on Reki’s shoulder as they studied the techniques in the videos, and Reki rested his cheek against the top of Langa’s head. Langa’s warmth against his side and the softness of his hair against Reki’s cheek were familiar, because they used to sit like this every day and they started to again after Reki stopped avoiding Langa after the big race.
But it wasn’t comforting. Things weren’t actually normal, at least not for Reki. His guilt about the way he acted before the race ate him alive every waking second like a million termites tearing him apart underneath his skin. Langa was acting like he was happy about how everything turned out, like he was okay with forgetting all of the shit that Reki had done and moving on with his life while wearing that sweet smile of his, the one that sparkled like Reki imagined snowflakes did back in Canada.
Reki couldn’t go back to normal and Reki couldn’t forget and Reki couldn’t do anything without feeling like his insides were going to shred themselves to pieces, rebuild, and do it all over again. His knee bounced and his lips tightened and his whole entire body filled with heavy guilt as Langa excitedly pointed out the details from the video that he’d missed.
Langa’s victory was a week ago, and that entire time Reki had been too terrified of messing up their friendship to apologize. He never said sorry to Langa for abandoning him or saying the hurtful things he’d said or being the worst friend in the world.
Langa was fine with acting like everything was normal again after he’d flown into Reki’s arms like some sort of angel and hugged him like his life depended on it. For seven days, Reki tried as hard as he could to act normal, too. But as Langa’s leg brushed against Reki’s jittery knee, Reki couldn’t keep it in anymore. His skin was on fire in every place Langa touched him, like it was rejecting the comfort because he didn’t deserve it after what he’d done to his best friend.
Reki sniffled before he actually started crying. Langa didn’t notice anything wrong right away because Reki had hay fever and he just sniffled sometimes and Langa was such good friends with Reki that he had gotten used to it a long time ago. But once Reki gasped for air and dropped his phone on the hard concrete underneath them, Langa quickly looked up at him with concern, because he cared, because he was such a good friend.
“Reki, what’s wrong?” He asked softly. He sat up to look at Reki properly, but Reki pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face against them, not wanting Langa to see him cry like a like a little kid seeing his own blood for the first time.
“I’m sorry,” Reki choked out. He felt like he couldn’t breathe even though he was taking in as much air as humanly possible as he gasped and sobbed. “I’m so sorry, Langa.”
“What are you talking about?” Langa asked, sounding confused on top of his worry. “Why are you apologizing?”
“Everything,” Reki answered. “The shit I said to you and all the days I avoided you when you needed support. I was selfish and I wasn’t thinking about how you would feel when I said that- when I said- you know, that. I was a terrible friend, and I still am because I took so long to apologize to you. I should’ve apologized to you right away, before the race, even.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Langa said softly. He put his hand on Reki’s trembling shoulder and it took everything in Reki to not push it away. He didn’t deserve the warm weight or the comfort it gave him, but Langa didn’t deserve to get his feelings hurt, so Reki just tightened his arms around his legs.
“How could I not?!” Reki asked hysterically. “I knew what a shitty friend I was being, I knew I was hurting you, and when you came back, I didn’t even bother to apologize to you.”
“I’m really not upset,” Langa replied. “I was just relieved that you didn’t hate me, and I was glad we went back to normal.”
“You should be pissed at me,” Reki mumbled.
“I’m not mad,” Langa responded gently. “I missed you when you were gone, and all I wanted was for you to come back. I know you were upset, and you don’t need to be sorry for it. I don’t care about being ‘even’ or anything; I just wanted to skate with you again. But if it helps, I accept your apology.”
Reki sighed heavily, burying his face into his arms while the last of his tears escaped. With the throat-constricting anxiety that always attacked him when he cried being mostly gone now, Reki didn’t have the energy to hold himself up anymore. His spine wilted and his body’s dead weight dragged him down. If Langa hadn’t been there he would’ve flopped down on the ground and hit his head pretty hard and probably cut his face on a loose pebble or something.
But Langa was there, and he caught Reki and let him lean on his shoulder this time. Because Langa was good, and he was also selfless and perfect and everything Reki could never be, even if he gave it his all for every second of the rest of his life. Somehow, more tears welled in Reki’s eyes and spilled out against Langa’s chest. His wet cheek was pressed against Langa’s beating heart; he really didn’t deserve it.
“Would it help if you talked about what made you so upset?” Langa asked.
“I don’t know, maybe,” Reki mumbled.
“You can try, if you want,” Langa replied. “It usually helps me to talk to my mom or you when I’m upset.”
Reki squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep, burning breath. The air hitched in his throat and he sobbed again, and he wanted to punch himself and run away and cry in Langa’s arms for hours and hours all at the same time.
“I’m just not good enough,” he whispered. “No matter what I do, I’m never good enough. Even if I practice for fifty hours every day I’ll never be as good at skating as you or Cherry or Joe or even Miya, and he’s a baby! I study for every test and my grades are still average, I try to be friends with people but everyone thinks I’m awkward and weird, my smile is lopsided and my voice is too loud and no matter how hard I try I’ll never be as handsome or as good at anything as you are. I’ll never be good enough for you, and… that scared me away. I don’t want to drag you down, you know?”
“No, not really,” Langa answered quietly. “You don’t drag me down, Reki.”
“I do, though,” Reki replied. “Everyone at school likes you, but don’t you notice how nobody ever talks to you when I’m around? I get in the way of you making friends, dude. And I can’t help you get better at skating because you’re already better than me, and you’re the one who should be upset but I’m sitting here bawling because I- because I’m scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
Reki’s throat tightened up too much to say anything right away. Even though Langa had asked him to talk about everything, he still couldn’t shake the feeling that every word that came out of his mouth was just another burden on Langa’s shoulders. Langa had more important things to worry about than Reki, and he shouldn’t have to waste his time listening to dramatic, self-pitying blubbering.
It would only bring Langa down, and Reki knew he would eventually get tired of dealing with it. He’d get tired of dealing with Reki. He’d get sick of it all and he’d realize how much better than Reki he was and he’d leave without any regrets, and his life would only get better.
It had all happened before.
But this time it was different, it was much scarier. Losing his old friends was painful enough, but Reki was older and more mature now, and so were his emotions. He spent a lot more time thinking about his feelings than Langa probably thought, especially after Langa appeared in his life. As his emotions had grown and changed, Reki had recognized it, but it took a long time and a lot of thinking to realize what his new feelings- the ones Langa had introduced- really were. They were big and scary and probably half the reason Reki ran from him in the first place.
Obviously, Reki had a big fat obnoxious crush on Langa. He was cute and he smelled good and he was the best skater Reki had ever seen, and there was nothing that terrified Reki more than losing him. It wasn’t that he wanted to keep secrets, in fact he wished more and more every day that he could work up the courage to just tell Langa how he felt, but if Langa got disgusted or weirded out and didn’t want to be friends anymore, Reki was certain that he’d wither away and die.
“Reki?”
“Sorry, I-” Reki started, interrupting himself with a thick, nervous swallow. “I’m just scared that you’ll realize you’re too good for me and leave. Y’know, like all my other friends I used to have.”
“That’s awful, I wouldn’t do that,” Langa assured him. “Did I say something that scared you? Was I acting like I was better than you? Is that why you disappeared?”
“No, no, man, nothing like that,” Reki answered.
“Then what happened?”
Reki swallowed again as Langa’s concern pierced his ears and spun around in his brain faster than racecar tires. His hands were shaking, his palms were sweating, and his heart was trying to jackhammer its way through his ribs.
If he didn’t say something now, Langa was going to think he did something wrong. Reki had no excuses or any alternate explanation or anything he could really say besides the truth. He had two options: he either had to tell Langa how he felt or leave him hanging and feeling guilty forever- or at least for as long as he still tolerated being around Reki.
But even if Langa eventually left, even if Reki was completely right about everything and Langa got sick of him and moved on from his friendship with the first person who was nice to him when he moved, Reki couldn’t leave him feeling confused and guilty. With a deep breath, Reki pulled away from Langa and sat up on his own, turning a little bit so he was facing Langa, but looking down at his hands instead of into Langa’s eyes.
“I- um-” Reki started, his voice shaking and his lips trembling. He swallowed hard and pulled his knees so tightly to his chest that they pressed into his already burning lungs. “Langa, it’s not your fault, man. It’s just me, it’s my brain. There’s something wrong with my brain where I just can’t- you know- be normal. I think every little thing means that you hate me and you’re going to leave me behind like everyone else and I’m trying to fix everything that’s wrong with me so I can be a better friend, so you’ll stay. And once you started getting so good at skating, once you got better than me, I figured you didn’t have a purpose for me anymore. I guess I thought that it would hurt less if I left before you could.
“And it would hurt really, really bad if you left. Like, it would hurt so bad that I would probably die. I mean, it hurt a lot when my other friends left, but it would be so much worse if you left because I- uh- um- I really like you, Langa. Like, I really, really like you. I think I’ve had a crush on you since I first saw you, but it’s only gotten bigger and more overwhelming every day since then, and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s torture feeling like this and knowing I’m not good enough for you.
“You’re probably the prettiest guy I’ve ever seen. I mean, you know that, though. All the girls like you because you’re pretty, and you come off kinda quiet and mysterious which is cool, but then I got to know you and you’re actually really sweet and funny and stuff. And you always smell really good, which I don’t really understand because you must sweat a lot when you’re skating, right? I mean, I do, but it wouldn’t surprise me if you just, like, didn’t have sweat glands or something, because you’re perfect.
“And I’ve been scared to tell you because, even if you didn’t realize that you’re too good for me in skating and stuff, I knew you’d realize it after I, you know, confessed, I guess. Either way, I’ve been doomed from the start with you. I don’t expect you to feel the same way or anything, I just think you deserved to know since my feelings keep getting bigger and bigger and you should have the right to know if your friend feels that way about you, y’know? I know I should’ve told you a while ago, but I was hoping it would just go away, but it didn’t. And during the time when I- y’know- left… it only got way worse. I was so happy when you hugged me after the race that I almost kissed you, and I realized that would be weird and inappropriate to do, but at the same time I really wanted you to kiss me.”
Once Reki finished talking, he finally looked back up at Langa. His heart skipped a beat as he realized that Langa didn’t look disgusted or weirded out or even anything like that. He was shocked, obviously; his eyes were so wide that Reki thought they might pop out of his head, and his mouth was slightly open in the way that looked like he didn’t even have the brainpower to open his jaw the rest of the way because he was in such shock.
Reki wasn’t sure what he expected Langa to say, but it definitely wasn’t what actually came out of his mouth.
“Do you still want to?”
“What?” Reki asked. His voice was a little too loud, kinda like it always was, because he didn’t believe he’d heard Langa right. He had to just be asking out of curiosity, right? There was no way he actually wanted to kiss Reki. “I mean, yeah, but- uh- I mean, I wasn’t saying you have to or anything.”
“But you want me to?”
“…Yeah.”
The world seemed like it was moving in slow motion as Langa’s expression changed. The shock melted away, replaced by some sort of euphoric determination. His eyebrows were set like he was completely focused on something, and he had the same wrinkle between his eyebrows that he always got when he made that face. It was one of the things Reki really loved about him; it felt intimate to know the pattern of something like that, and besides, it was really cute, too.
Langa reached out and took Reki’s face in his hands, holding him like he was something precious, and gently wiping his tearstained cheeks. Reki’s eyes widened and his heart thundered in painful anticipation as Langa slowly leaned in.
A jolt of electricity zipped through Reki’s entire body as he felt Langa’s nose brush against his own. He exhaled shakily and closed his eyes as Langa closed the last bit of distance between them.
The second he felt the sweet kiss of Langa’s lips, another tear rolled out of Reki’s eye. It didn’t feel powerful or life changing or anything like the movies showed loving kisses, but Reki was okay with that. The actual sensation was pretty simple; Langa’s lips were warm and soft against Reki’s, which was really nice. It only lasted a second, but it was enough to bring Reki back to tears.
The moment was so vulnerable and tender and Langa was giving him everything he wanted, everything he didn’t deserve. He cried as he felt his heart swell, his entire body filling with the warmth of Langa’s light.
As Langa started to pull away, Reki quickly leaned in and kissed him again. His kiss was more forceful, and he accidentally smushed their noses into each other’s faces, but Langa thankfully didn’t seem to care.
When they parted, Reki threw his arms around Langa’s neck and pulled Langa into a tight hug, crying hard again.
“Don’t leave me, Langa,” he sobbed, clinging to his friend for dear life. “Please don’t leave me!”
“I won’t,” Langa whispered. “I promise I won’t, Reki.”
“Really?” Reki choked out. Langa nodded, which Reki couldn’t see, but he could feel it. Langa ran his hand up and down Reki’s back with his fingernails pressed down just far enough to scratch him without hurting him. It was the most comforting thing Reki had ever felt, and somehow it seemed to make it a lot easier for him to stop crying. But just when his eyes were finally dry again, Langa said something that made him want to bawl.
“Reki, I love you.”
And then it was Reki’s turn to stare in complete shock. He pulled back enough to stare at Langa like he’d just admitted to some sort of horrendous crime. His actual announcement was better than that, a lot better, but it was just as shocking.
“You do?” Reki asked dumbly.
“Yes,” Langa answered with a small nod. “You’re genuine and passionate, and you don’t hide it. You don’t try to act like someone you’re not in order to fit in. You were the first person who was nice to me without pitying me when I moved here, and it was really refreshing.
“I think I really fell in love with you when you made my skateboard. You paid attention to the things I needed instead of what was technically ‘right.’ You’re observant and thoughtful, and no matter what you think, you’re smart, skilled, and talented. I admire everything about you, Reki; I could never think that you’re not good enough for me.”
“I can’t even believe you’re saying any of that,” Reki replied, his voice shaky. “I mean, I was thinking that you were going to reject me, but you- you love me?”
“I love you,” Langa confirmed.
“I-” Reki stammered. He was tripping over his words as he tried to figure out what he was feeling and thinking and what he should do next. “I think- I love you too, Langa.”
“Really?” Langa asked. His voice was soft and velvety and sweet like it always was, and his eyes were round, wide, and vulnerable. He was so unbelievably cute.
“Yeah,” Reki answered, taking Langa’s face in his hands. “Yeah, Langa, I love you so much, man. Can I- can I kiss you again?” Langa nodded enthusiastically, his eyes lighting up.
“Yes,” he answered, tightening his hold on Reki.
Reki hesitated for just a second to make sure this was all real, but once Langa started leaning in he just couldn’t wait any longer. He pulled Langa’s face in close and kissed him. Langa hummed softly in approval, and the sound went straight to Reki’s fluttering heart. He had no choice but to kiss Langa again, and then again, and then again.
It was all too easy to lose count of the number of times they kissed. By the time they finally took a break, they were panting and the sun was starting to set. Reki laughed nervously as he pulled away, wiping the spit from his mouth as he tried to get his heart to calm down.
“Do you want to keep skating?” Langa asked. Reki stared at him for a second and then laughed, feeling the last of his nerves melt away.
“We should probably go home, dude,” he answered. “It’s gonna be dark soon, and we have school tomorrow. But, y’know, you can stay over at my house, if you want.”
Langa smiled at him with extra sparkles as they stood up.
“If your family is okay with it,” he answered.
“C’mon, man, my family loves you more than they love me,” Reki replied. “They’re gonna be really happy when they here we’re- that we’re- uh… did we talk about that?”
“Do we need to?” Langa asked, sounding confused.
“Yeah, man,” Reki answered nervously. “Because, like, if we don’t talk about it then I won’t know for sure where I stand, y’know? And I won’t be able to stop thinking about it and I’ll probably freak out about it. I mean, if you’re not ready for a relationship that’s okay; I don’t want to push you into it or anything, I just want to know what you want.”
“I want you to be my boyfriend,” Langa said bluntly. Reki cleared his throat and laughed nervously, suddenly not sure where he should be looking.
“Really?” He asked quietly. Langa nodded resolutely. “Then my mom and my sisters will be really happy to hear that you’re… my boyfriend.”
Reki blushed and smiled shyly at Langa as he called him his boyfriend for the first time, and Langa was practically glowing. Reki cried out in surprise as he was pulled into a crushing hug, but he didn’t wait long before returning it. He turned to kiss Langa’s cheek, and then Langa turned to catch his next kiss.
“Love you,” they said at the same time, followed by giggling that could’ve come from a couple of little kids.
“C’mon, let’s go,” Reki said, leading Langa toward their skateboards. “My mom probably has dinner waiting.”
The evening breeze felt like a million of Langa’s soft kisses on Reki’s face. Somehow, skating suddenly felt better and happier and more free than it ever had. He glanced over at Langa, who was smiling bigger and brighter than Reki had ever seen. His heart tightened like Langa’s joy was giving it a warm hug. Reki let out an easy laugh and smiled so wide it hurt his face.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so happy.
That night, Reki found himself holding Langa in his arms while Langa wore his purple hoodie and a pair of his pajama pants. Langa had borrowed his clothes before, but it felt more intimate now. Everything they did felt more intimate now.
They’d decided not to say anything to either of their families yet. Reki didn’t want his sisters prying, and he didn’t want his mom to be weird about them sleeping in the same bed. He didn’t think she would make them leave the door open or anything, but she was probably going to be a mom about it to some extent.
Plus, it was kind of exciting to have this secret for a little while. Reki liked sharing something that was just between him and Langa; it was special.
There was a show playing on Reki’s laptop at the foot of the bed, but they weren’t really paying attention to it. Reki was a lot more focused on Langa’s warm weight against his chest and Langa’s arms around his neck and Langa’s soft lips kissing him all over his face.
Reki sighed as Langa gave him a long, sweet kiss. It was the kind of feeling that was overwhelming because it was so new and wonderful, but was also so addicting that he’d already gotten used to it and never wanted to give it up. They both smiled at each other as Langa pulled back. It was only far enough so that they weren’t kissing anymore; their noses still brushed against each other.
As Reki looked into Langa’s pretty pale-blue eyes, he got this feeling in his chest like he knew everything was right. Langa was his person, his other half, his soulmate, and most importantly, his boyfriend. Nothing else in the world could’ve been more right.
Pressing another kiss to Langa’s soft, perfect lips, Reki closed his laptop with his foot and pulled Langa in closer. He was planning to give Langa a few more kisses and then go to bed, but Langa decided it was the perfect time to tangle his fingers in Reki’s hair and kiss him deeper than they ever had- that day. Which was also ever.
Whatever. Reki’s thoughts turned into complete mush when Langa pushed his tongue into his mouth. It was a little bit awkward because neither of them really knew what they were doing, but Reki didn’t care. It felt good because it was Langa, his Langa.
Once Langa gave him a second to breathe, Reki just smiled at him. He still couldn’t really believe that all of this was real. He kept expecting to wake up and realize he’d dreamt the whole thing, but deep down he knew he wouldn’t. This was all real, their smiles and their kisses and their love were all real.
“I love you,” Langa whispered. Reki’s smile widened and he looked up at Langa with the most lovesick expression imaginable.
“I love you, too.”