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“Why can't the IWF come up with sane preliminaries? I ask myself this every bloody day.” Kevin Mask does what Kevin Mask does - grumble and whine and win.
The Champion stays the same, while around him the world changes, becoming ever worse and ever more providing of things for him to whine about. In this case he is perfectly justified in whining. He steps up to a giant flightless bird clad in golden armour. Beside it stand other giant flightless birds, in plainer armour or no armour at all. Chojin much less naturally adept than he, struggle to clamber onboard their assigned ostrich. Some end up pecked to death, or kicked in the head to death, or simply vehicleless.
“Please God, why won't you kill me? What must I do to deserve your ire? Won't you give me a sign?” whispers Kevin to himself as he hops onto the bird from behind, Henry the Eighth style. The creature, a gorgeous white feathered bird, squawks and turns its head to glare at him, only to fall in love at first sight with the beautiful, grumpy man in the knight helmet.
“Kevin Mask, cease your whimpering.” As another mark of favour from the universe to Kevin Mask, especially from the various chojin wrestling organisations to Kevin Mask, his trainer, frenemy and chosen brother slash father figure is going to be assisting him in this as in even every other batshit preliminary dreamt up by deranged Kinniku minds. Lord Flash, a walking cheat code, hands his protege a needle sharp lance, a needle on a gigantic scale. He then climbs onto his own bird, the only other one in armour, silver armour. However, unlike the younger man’s hero coded animal, his is jet black and red eyed and male. He also wields no lance.
“I’m not whimpering, I'm whining, gosh! Flash, you're my second and you don't even know what irritating noise I'm making? I'm very sad now.”
“Kevin-”
The pair banter and bicker like an old married couple while around them the competition is gradually killed off by their own mounts or each other. In the distance shines the finishing line. It should and would be a straight line to it, were it not for the ominous Martian red platforms floating in the air between the contestants and their goal.
“People don't know how to ride these days. Shameful!” hisses Lord Flash, upon glancing around at his co-competitors. As he watches, Kid Muscle narrowly misses being run through by one of his own useless buddies. People pull the reins of their birds at random, with predictable results.
Kevin makes his own ostrich cry. “What is this thing I'm perched on?” However, the bird forgives him, because she read somewhere that not only is he English, but he's also Kevin Mask.
Eventually a midget alien with a flag shows up to get the game started. “You may proceed.” He intones, with great gravitas. Birds set off. Two immediately collide and fall down, long legs waving in the air. One of Kid Muscle's worthless friends is kicked off the overpass, and possibly dead, who knows. Kevin, a nice guy despite being a cold blooded murderer, refrains from thrusting his steel lance through anyone's guts as his glittering bird goes galloping down the road. Wanton murder is more Lord Flash's forte anyway.
When the main body of participants approaches the hanging ledges, hell erupts in the form of old people on vultures.
“Hah!” screams Buffaloman. “Aiiiii!” yells Geronimo. “Eeeh?” wonders King Muscle. Swooping down from on high on gigantic carrion beasts, the trio thrust lances at Kid Muscle, who shrieks but manages to turn his bird around. The ostrich races back the way it came, pursued by vultures.
Although not forgetful of why he's there, Lord Flash, who isn't really a nice guy despite being a hot blooded murderer, allows himself to become distracted by yet another elderly person on a vulture. Although the humble, deadly ostrich is notoriously a flightless avian, his obeys his commands and flies him up to the floating platforms. The men lazily fluttering about up there receive the shock of their lives when his giant chicken lands lightly and goes sprinting after them. Well, not after them, after one of them, but Ramenman has to make it all about himself and crash lands dramatically, right on top of the Chairman. A ramen scented mushroom cloud entertains the audience.
“Hehehehehe!!” The madman in the crown cackles, his ostrich leaping into the air and coming down on a horrified yet delighted Teapackman.
“Senpai noticed me!” The Sri Lankan squeals, just before he's sliced to ribbons by his longtime bully's bear claws. The loser explodes into eggs, which rain down on the chojin in the lead - Kevin Mask.
“Daddy?! Help! What's happening?!” he shrieks, as massive eggs persist in slamming onto his head, where they shatter and fry instantly.
+200 +200 +200 +200 +200 +200 +200 +
The points, complete with epic sound effects, stack up and Kevin's ostrich puts on a burst of speed, taking him and herself across the finish line. No one has ever won as hard as him, although he remains perplexed as to what just occurred.
“You won, Kevin, and a great deal of chojin youth perished. It was glorious.” a blood drenched Lord Flash grins, well, remains grinning. It's extremely creepy and his student prefers to stare into the afterparty barbecue, where a great deal of poultry is being cooked.