Work Text:
KARKAT VANTAS
VS
NEPETA LEIJON
BEGIN!
VANTAS IS HERE, SO TIME TO QUIT
YOU BULGELICKING, FUCKSTAINED DUMB PIECE OF SHIT.
I'M UP AGAINST SOME AUTISTIC GIRL WHO LIVES IN A CAVE!
I'LL HAVE NO TROUBLE HERE,
IT'S YOU WHO NEEDS TO BE SAVED!!!
I'D BRING OUT MY BEST RHYMES, BUT I DON'T NEED TO!
EVEN A WIGGLER'S SCRAWLINGS COULD BEAT YOU!!
YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO WITHSTAND MY VERBAL THRESHECUTION!
I UTTER EACH LINE WITH SUCH PERFECT ELOCUTION
THAT OUTSHINES BY FAR YOUR PITIFUL CONTRIBUTION!!!
YOU'LL BE KNOCKED OUT COLD, WITH NO CHANCE OF RETRIBUTION!!!!!
I HAVE NO FEAR OF YOUR "POWERS OF HEART"!
HEART'S FUCKING LAME, YOU KNOW - WHERE DO I START???
WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO?
JUST KEEP TRACK OF WHO'S KISSED??
WELL SHIP THIS, LEIJON:
YOUR FACE WITH MY FIST!!!!!
I PLAY THIS GAME BENEATH THE BANNER OF BLOOD:
THE HARDCORE ASPECT TO LEAVE YOU DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD!
AND YET STILL IT'S ME WHO HAS MASTERED ROMANCE!
A SHIP-OFF, YOU VERSUS ME? IT'S NO CONTEST!
AGAINST THE ROGUE OF HEART, YOU THINK I'D HAVE NO CHANCE!
BUT DON'T INSULT MY ROMCOMS - I LEARNT FROM THE BEST!!!
SO HOP ON YOUR SHIP AND SAIL FAR AWAY
TO ESCAPE THE WRATH I DEAL OUT HERE TODAY!!!!!
:33 < *ac pounces up onto her podium high*
:33 < *far below her is some raving lunatic guy*
:33 < *he shouts and he screams every single last word*
:33 < *yet what hes saying is the worst shes ever heard*
:33 < well well well! *ac says, with a flick of the tail*
:33 < the louder you say it, the louder you fail!
:33 < you say you wanna battle me? you shouldnt even try!
:33 < *ac has the skills to make him break down and cry!*
:33 < get ready karkitty, be prepared to weep!
:33 < this will be so easy, i could beat you asleep!
:33 < i probably could, you lame prospitian boy
:33 < this mean green derse queen could play you like a toy!
:33 < youre just a lame complaining crabby douchey grump
:33 < beware the alpha female making you look like a chump!!
:33 < you wimpy shouty guy, why wont you show us your blood!
:33 < itll soon be on the ground as you collapse with a THUD!
:33 < quit it now, nubby, theres no point trying beclaws
:33 < i could beat you without trying with my own bare paws!!!
THREATEN ALL YOU WANT, BUT CAN YOU MATCH WHAT YOU SAY?
WHEN YOU'RE THE GIRL WHO WAS USELESS DAY AFTER DAY???
JUST SHITTING ABOUT WITH YOUR ASSHOLE FRIEND
WITH CUBES AND TEA! THE SACCHARINE NEVER ENDS!
DID YOU HAVE FUN THERE??? HAVING A NICE TEA PARTY?????
HAPPY FRIENDS DRINKING BEVERAGES HEARTY????????
YOU FACED NO CHALLENGE!!! YOUR GAME WAS A BREEZE!!!!!!!
WHAT THE GAME GAVE ME WAS HARDLY EASE!!!
A BATTLE-SCARRED LAND WITH RIVERS OF RED!
THE LAND OF A LEADER! ONE WHO'LL FIGHT TILL HE'S DEAD!!!
AND FIGHT I DID!! NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR REST!!!!
WHILE YOU PROBABLY HAD CATNAPS ON ZAHHAK'S SWEATY CHEST.
WITH NOTHING BUT A SICKLE, I SLASHED THROUGH MY FOES!
WHILE YOU WERE PROBABLY IN SOME CUTESY DOZE.
I'VE LEAD THIS TEAM THROUGH THICK AND THIN!!
WHILE YOUR QUEST? DID YOU EVER EVEN BEGIN????
JUST FACE IT ALREADY: I'VE WON THIS FIGHT.
GET YOUR NOOKMUNCHING FACE RIGHT OUTTA MY SIGHT.
:33 < you think you can beat me?
:33 < well first, just paws
:33 < you may have your sickle
:33 < but this girl has CLAWS!
:33 < im useless you say?
:33 < youre blinder than gc!
:33 < this cats had her fights!
:33 < if youd looked, youd s33!
:33 < i hunt vicious animals
:33 < with only my hands!
:33 < id talk about battle
:33 < but you wouldnt understand
:33 < youre just a softy inside
:33 < so go run and hide
:33 < im really quite surprised
:33 < that you havent yet cried
:33 < youre just a big loser, so dont even start!
:33 < you dont wanna mess with the rogue of heart!
:33 < with a roguish swipe
:33 < ill steal your blood away
:33 < and paint pictures with it on my walls all day!
:33 < *ac captures the knights castle*
:33 < *and her own flag un-fur-ls*
:33 < *and she says*
:33 < not bad for the autistic cave girl!!
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?