Chapter Text
Qifrey looked out the window of the atelier, watching the four girls work on their magic outside. He sighed to himself, his hands wrapping around a mug of warm tea. The brushbug beside him let out a small sound as it crawled up his arm onto his shoulder, nuzzled against this cheek. He chuckled and gently rubbed his finger against its soft fur. His gaze drifted back to his hands as they wrapped around the warm ceramic of his mug. His heart was loud in his ears as his eyes flickered back out the window.
On some level, I think I always understood
He stood from his stool, walking over towards the door and opening it gently, just enough to peer outside at his apprentices without alerting them to his presence. Coco, Tetia, Agott, and Richeh were sitting in a circle on the grass, drawing magic together and coming up with new spells for the upcoming festival.
That these hands of mine were clumsy, not clever
He gently shut the door once more, his long cloak swishing behind him as he made the trek back up the stairs towards his room. He made sure to perch himself by the window, mug of tea still in hand, to keep an eye on the girls even now.
And I tried to do the best that I could
A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he watched his apprentices outside, all smiles and quiet giggles under the warmth of the morning sun. Even still, something took root in the depths of his heart. Something deep and unsettling. A sigh brushed past his parted lips as he took another slow sip of tea.
He longed to go down and join them. To watch over them, to raise them in a way. He wanted so badly to be someone his four apprentices could depend on. But, deep down, he knew the unfortunate truth. He knew as long as he drew breath, he could never truly be there.
Not in his entirety. Not with all of his heart.
But try as I might, I couldn’t bring myself to hold you.
~~~
“Master Qifrey!” Coco poked her head into Qifrey's room, her little hands wrapping around the very edge of the doorframe as she smiled and bounced excitedly.
Quifrey looked up from his desk and smiled, welcoming her to come in. She happily accepted his invitation and hurried inside, shutting the door behind her and taking a seat on the stool beside him. She peered over his desk at what her teacher was drawing.
“A few spells for around the Ateleir,” he riffled her hair gently. “Nothing too interesting. Now, tell me about your magic. What did you four get up to today?”
Coco grinned and began explaining all sorts of things she wanted to work on and learn. As she prattled on excitedly, her legs swung back and forth as they dangled off the edge of the stool. Qifrey listened attentively, nodding along and smiling at her genuine love for magic. It reminded him a lot of someone else. Someone kinder than he. The ache in his chest pulsed once more, growing stronger, like roots growing and reaching deeper into the soil.
~~~
It’s a secret I keep tucked inside my chest
Qifrey lay in his bed, only the light from the moon peaking in through the window. He rolled onto his side and curled up into a ball, staring blankly out the window in front of him. He found his mind wandering back to his apprentices. To Olruggio. To the life, and walls, he’d built up around himself.
He was doing this to help them, right? Because he loved them. It wasn’t selfish. He wasn’t selfish.
With this heart of mine, that's guilty, not remorseful.
His chest ached with that familiar, seering feeling as he curled up tighter under his blanket, not unlike a scared child.
He thought of his time under Beldaruit. He thought of that fateful day with Olruggio. He thought about the day he’d taken in Coco. He thought of every selfish move he’d ever made, swirling around in his head like crashing waves.
There is love, it doesn’t have a place to rest
He loved them. He loved his girls, and damn it, somewhere deep down, he loved his watchful eye as well. But that love could never take root. It could never grow. It could never bloom. If it did, it would destroy them. He knew that.
But it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulders.
~~~
Qifrey was sitting in Olruggio's office late at night, keeping the other man company.
“You should come to bed,” he suggested to little avail. Olruggio only grunted in reply, pen in his mouth as he flipped to a new page, throwing out a failed spell.
Qifrey sighed and leaned back in his chair. This was nice. These quiet moments in the Atelier, all four girls safe and sound in their beds. He could get used to it.
If only he deserved a life like that.
On some level, I think I always understood
Qifrey stood up abruptly and walked over to the other man, gently resting a hand on his shoulder. “You work far too hard.”
“Such is the life of a freelancer,” Olruggio smiled weakly, resting his own hand on Qifrey's.
Olruggio. The man was kinder than he was anything else. He was selfless to his core, hardworking, and honest. He was everything Qifrey hated that he wasn’t. If only he knew what Qifrey really was. If he’d known all the truths there were to tell, would he still care for him? Would he still look at him as fondly with those gentle eyes?
Would he still love him?
That a ship could never really love an anchor.
“You know,” Olruggio gently rubbed his palm across Qifrey's hand. “You should get some sleep, too. The girls will be worried sick about you if you start getting the same eye bags I have.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
Olruggio set down his pen and looked up at Qifrey with those same, adoring eyes. God, that expression. How could he possibly look at him like that?
“Qifrey,” Olruggio took his hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. “You work too hard.”
“Says the pot to the kettle.” He smiled.
So I did the only thing that I could.
Olruggio gently squeezed his hand and lifted it towards his lips. The ache in his chest returned with a vengeance, and he abruptly jerked his hand back, clutching it to his chest with fear in his eyes. Olruggio looked surprised and slightly hurt, but softened immediately.
“Qifrey-”
“Don’t.” Qifrey shook his head, fighting back tears. “Please, just don’t.”
Olruggio's expression deepened with sorrow as Qifrey turned around and left through the door.
And severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor.
~~~
Qifrey lay in his bed, curled up into a small ball. He could hear Olruggio downstairs with the girls, helping make them breakfast.
There are times when I still wonder about you
Qifrey got out of bed and looked in the mirror. His eyes were glassy, and their color had faded from when he was younger. His expression was more worn.
He left his room and stood at the top of the stairs, listening to the conversation below. He watched Olruggio set a plate down in front of each girl, speaking with them softly and rubbing sleep from his eyes.
You are someone I have loved, but never known.
His heart ached as he watched each girl happily talk amongst themselves, Olruggio sitting just across from them as they shared their morning. They were so close, and yet so, so far away.
And you’ll never see the reasons I had.
He began descending the stairs, each step careful as not to so much as creak a floorboard. It was on one of the final steps that his gaze met Olruggios, and he froze. He said nothing, looked over at the girls, and turned around to go back upstairs. Olruggio stood to call after him, but hesitated and sighed before sitting back down.
Keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you.
~~~
Qifrey couldn’t sleep.
He knew if he closed his eyes, he'd be haunted by memories and nightmares. Not that he could often get comfortable enough to fall asleep anyway. He shuffled out of bed, slipping on his shoes before quietly tiptoing through the atelier. It was late enough that even Olruggio wouldn’t even be awake. He gently nudged open the door to the girls' bedrooms. Sure enough, all four were sound asleep. He smiled to himself. It was bittersweet, knowing how easily they could rest. How innocent they all were in their own ways.
He closed the door and continued on until he found himself standing outside. Sitting in the damp grass of the early morning before the sun had risen to evaporate the dew, he took a deep breath in.
I am selfish, I am broken, I am cruel.
He lay back in the grass, allowing himself to relax for the first time in days. The stars overhead welcomed him as he closed his eyes.
I am all the things they might have said to you.
The wind gently swept along his exposed skin, reminding him that for better or worse, he was still alive.
Coco, Tetia, Agott, Riche,
Olruggio.
They loved him. It was clear in the way they looked at him that they loved him terribly.
It was a love he could never, ever fully return.
Do you ever think of me and my two hands and wonder why they never soothed your fevers?
Tears began to slowly trickle down his face, his body still cradled by the earth around him.
And wonder why they never tied your shoes?
He didn’t deserve their kindness. Their affections. Their love.
And wonder why they never held you gently?
He couldn’t allow himself the luxury of comfort. Not if it meant harming them. That was his act of love.
And wonder why they never had the chance to lose you?
Qifrey clutched his chest, his hand balled into a fist right above his heart as he sobbed openly. The sound of his cries was swept away by the wind and the night. His sorrow remained between him and the stars.