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The two were sitting in the grass, surrounded by the fallen leaves of autumn. The park wasn’t too populated today, and the air was peacefully quiet, aside from the soft, rhythmic chh of Nicholas carving a piece of wood with his favorite pocket knife. He wasn’t shaping anything in particular, mostly just admiring the work of the blade. It was the one the boy next to him gifted him for his recent birthday. Pink, his favorite color, with a golden cursive N engraved towards the bottom of the handle. Euijoo always knew what to gift him. He paid close attention to just about every corner of his interests, including the little comments he thought were insignificant, which was incredibly endearing.
It was only a matter of time before Nicholas would start to catch feelings.
It wasn’t a good thing, like his roommate, Maki, insisted. “Oh, you’re such a goner. You gotta make a move, dude. He’s totally into you, too.” He’d try to push when the blonde finally opened up about it. He shut that idea down immediately, though.
His feelings scared him, terrified him, actually. He’s a coward, and there were way too many variables with even hinting at wanting a bit more.
He couldn’t risk losing his best friend.
He wouldn’t risk losing his best friend.
Euijoo was struggling to bend a few twigs into a circular shape. He insisted on making the two of them matching stick crowns after finally dragging Nicholas out of his dorm today, which was way too cute of him. Larger broken sticks littered the ground from his previous failed attempts. They were too dry and stiff to be twisted, and they snapped under too much force. A quiet and frustrated groan would follow each snap, and Nicholas would chuckle at the sound.
The smaller flexible twigs were easier to manipulate, but the brunette still had some trouble keeping them together.
“Nichol~,” he finally called out. The end of the nickname was dragged out, the way he always did when he wanted the older’s attention.
Nicholas’s heart ached at the sound. Euijoo has called him that since they were kids, the only person who did, at that. It was simple, but it’s always been exclusive to him, making it cheesily special. These days, however, there's been an additional layer to how endearing it was. His stomach would twist every time it tumbled from Euijoo’s lips, strumming in his ears like his favorite song.
It was this stupid fixation.
Not a crush, nothing close to being helplessly in love.
This was just an infatuation.
Anyone would develop something like this if they spent damn near every day with their best friend for 15 years. His brain was just romantically starved and latched onto having him so close by.
He’s just clinging to the attention, to the touches, to the playful yet empty flirting.
It’ll pass with time.
“Yea?” He answered with a jerk of his chin, the burnt tips of his bangs stroking his slitted brow with the movement.
“Can you help me with this? I just need them to stay put.” The corners of Euijoo’s lips were slightly downturned as he asked. He clearly wanted to do this on his own so it’d mean more, but the twigs must hate him today.
Nicholas would never protest helping the younger out. The second the question was asked, he pocketed his blade and lowered the random stick back to the ground, then took careful hold of the creation of sticks and stems.
“Twist it like this, then hold it so I can wrap it.” The other instructed with the blonde following along with ease. He entwined key edges of the wood together, then Euijoo took some vines he collected and wrapped those edges tightly as if decorating them with ribbon. He was so focused, Nicholas couldn't help but pay more attention to his engrossed expression than anything else. Working on the crown like this made Nicholas feel like some kind of elf, helping his tinker fairy invent his new masterpiece. Euijoo was gorgeous, just like a fairy. He was only missing the wings.
Soon enough, the crown was stable and able to be worn without being held together. It wasn’t perfect, of course, but Nicholas liked it that way. He’s always preferred the imperfection of a DIY project to a corporate carbon copy of something. It added humanity and personality.
Euijoo seemed to agree. The boy had the brightest smile on his face now, his single dimple on full display.
What a way to punch Nicholas in the gut.
“I wasn’t expecting it to be so pretty!” The brunette beamed, allowing the headpiece to slip out of his hands into Nicholas’s hold again.
Quickly, he stood and held the crown up high, as if presenting it to whatever sun god was out today. “Prince Juju,” he started up with the best ancient accent he could muster up, even adding some bass to his voice. Euijoo was immediately sent into a fit of laughter. “For the honor of your lord, and with his inspiration, you were tried by combat and given victory over the field, and thus we welcome you as our successor to the Crown and Throne. Will you swear to uphold the laws of the Kingdom and the Society, and will you swear fealty to the Kingdom and the populace of Yoyogi park?”
The joy on Euijoo’s face was so radiant that it turned his eyes into slits. His laughter was addicting and so heavily contagious, Nicholas couldn’t stop himself from joining in.
“I will!” ‘Prince Juju’ swore, bowing his head so the crown could be placed on top.
“Now I, Nicho, crown you, Juju, undoubted King of Yoyogi.” He announced before lowering the crown onto the younger’s head. It fit perfectly, as if the boy were made to be an actual king. He then kneeled on one knee in front of him to complete the faux coronation, his cheeks aching by now.
“Oh my god, you’re ridiculous,” Euijoo spoke from behind his hands. It was a small habit he had whenever he laughed hard enough to throw his head back. Nicholas hated it since it hid his smile.
“I try, I try,” The blonde returned to his spot with his back against a large tree. This time, his gaze never left his friend. God, he was enchanting, even more so now that his head was adorned with the perfect crown of nature. His sun-kissed skin glowed in the golden glow of the sunset, and his soft hair flowed back in the wind. It’s been growing longer with time, to his delight. Euijoo once debated on cutting it, but Nicholas was there to stop him in his tracks, insisting that he liked it like that and long hair was cute on a guy like him.
“On a guy like him,” as if that had a totally different meaning than “long hair is cute on him.”
Nicholas hadn’t realized he was staring until their eyes met for a few seconds too long.
“What’s on your mind?” The younger asked, having already maneuvered himself in front of Nicholas with his legs crossed. He usually appreciated how well the boy could read his face, but this was not one of those moments. Especially with the growing storm in his head and guilt creeping up for the past few days of “harmless” avoidance.
He decided to show a calm smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, but prominent in his cheeks enough to hope was convincing. “Ah, nothing much.” He added a dismissive shake of his head.
The dimple etched in Euijoo’s cheek faded away with that response, and Nicholas found himself missing it all over again.
“It’s always nothing much with you these days... like you’re not open with me anymore.” The brunette’s gaze fell to his fingers fidgeting with a leaf, his voice tight. It was a stark contrast to the lighthearted Euijoo just moments earlier.
Fuck, did he ruin his mood that quick..?
An inky pit pooled in Nicholas’s stomach that glued his lips shut. He didn’t know what to say. Of course, that lame repeated line for the past few weeks wouldn’t get him far; he knew that, especially when it came to Euijoo, but it didn’t occur to him just how heavily it would affect him. When the other realized he was staying silent, he continued, “I..I just feel like we’re growing apart, you know? You’ve become so silent and distant all of a sudden, and I feel like all the chasing I’m doing isn’t closing this gap at all. C’mon, Nikol, I know better than anyone that something’s up. What’s going on? I’m worried about you.”
Nicholas’s heart lurched at the desperation in Euijoo’s voice, and now it was his turn to dart his eyes everywhere but the other’s searching ones. Each word added another weight to his chest, that stormy guilt now doubling and threatening to make him nauseous. He didn’t mean for his distance to cause any pain. He didn’t mean to leave someone he cared so deeply for drowning in a pit of worry.
The last thing he wanted was for them to grow apart. No. Nicholas wouldn’t know what to do without Euijoo in his life, and would do absolutely anything just to keep him there. Though he’s never had to be anything but himself with the boy.
How could he lose that?
The question bounced around his head one, two, three more times.
How could he lose that smile that pushed his cheeks to the sun, that laugh that healed every corner of his being, or even those eyes that gleamed at any sight of his Nikol?
How could I lose that…?
I can’t lose my best friend.
I won’t lose my best friend.
Not over some dumb feelings.
This was just a stupid infatuation.
My brain was just romantically starved and latched onto having him so close by.
I’m just clinging to the attention, to the touches, to the playful yet empty flirting.
It’ll pass with ti-
“Nicholas, please.”
His racing thoughts were cut off by Euijoo’s hands in his. The other’s touch was grounding, reminding him that he was right there and not going anywhere.
So, with his mind in the gutter, he spat out the first thing on his mind, not hearing himself until the words were already out.
“I’m just afraid of losing you.”
His voice was quieter than he intended. He sounded wounded, which cringed him out and made him regret opening his mouth in the first place. He’s not used to nor comfortable being this vulnerable; he’s never been the type to wear his heart on his sleeve, and he felt naked and exposed, like a lion without its fur. He wanted out, but the deep and heavy ink filling him kept him weighed down in that same, godawful spot.
Euijoo tilted his head in confusion, but continued to try to search Nicholas’s avoidant eyes to fully understand him. “Lose me? You’re not gonna lose me, Nikol, I’m right here. Why do you think that?” He was being as gentle as he could, and it hurt. His tender voice and warm hands, squeezing his own now, yanked at the vessels attached to his heart.
“Nothing. Nevermind.” He deflected almost immediately, letting go of the boy’s hands in favor of the cold handle of the pocketknife in his cargos. He needed a distraction, anything to stop himself from talking; from mindlessly handing his heart over, no matter how badly he wanted to.
Euijoo visibly retracted, his face contorting with even more confusion. Slowly but surely, he was falling deeper into desperation. “..did I do something? I’m sorry if I did, you know I’d never intend to hurt you or make you uncomfortable or anything. Just let me know so it won’t happen again.”
“No, Ju, it.. You haven’t done anything. Don’t worry.” Nicholas sighed, tracing the engraving on the handle.
“Then what is it?”
“I told you, it’s nothing.” The blonde mumbled with a trace of more aggression than intended. He shut his eyes as if that would hide his emotions from the other, but of course, in what world would that work?
“It’s clearly something, Nicholas. Why are you lying to me? Since when did we lie to each other?”
Something in the air was shifting as they went on. It wasn’t peaceful anymore, and hasn’t been since they sat back down. A shadow was being cast over them, filling the space around them with a thick fog of agitation, choking them, especially Nicholas, the more they decided to speak.
Why can’t he just leave it? Why can’t he just ignore it until I get my thoughts and feelings in check for us to be normal again?
“I’m not lying, Euijoo, just drop it.” He lied through his teeth, that ink suffocating now. The back of his head rested against the trunk without a care for the strands getting caught in the ragged bark as he gazed up at the sky. He just couldn’t face the boy in front of him right now and hoped he’d eventually stop pushing and pushing and fucking pushing.
But Nicholas knew the younger too well. He’s not gonna stop until he gets his answer or knows he’s ok.
What he didn’t know, however, was just how fed up Euijoo was with this, leading him to snap with, “You literally fucking are!”
Nicholas’s head flung forward, his brows furrowing at the boy carding his fingers through his hair, clearly stressed out. The initial volume of his voice startled the wildlife around them, making a few birds fly away.
“You’re lying, you’re avoiding me, you can’t even look at me. Fucking hell, Nicholas, do you just not want me around anymore? You can say that, you know, instead of having me on this useless goose chase. I’m going fucking crazy here, and I can’t even tell if you care.” Euijoo’s voice continued to waver.
“Ju, calm down. I’m-”
“Do you care?” Euijoo bitterly asked, cutting him off.
“What? Of course I fucking care, what kind of question is that?” Nicholas was thrown even further off his axis. The guilt in his stomach started to boil into something even more dangerous.
The younger man only scoffed. “Someone who ‘doesn’t wanna lose me’ would show that more.”
“Well, I can’t really show shit when you’re pushing me so fucking much. I already said there’s nothing to worry about, quit trying to fucking suffocate me!” The blonde spat back, his pulse buzzing now, his mind clouded in defense mode.
“Oh, give me a fucking break, Nicholas. What was I supposed to do? Wait around like some dog for you to tell me what's wrong while you’re perfectly fine with everybody else in the dorms? You’ve barely been texting me as it is! I’m your best fucking friend for god’s sake, and you’re cutting me off like I don’t mean shit! We’re adults now, at least talk it out with me!”
“I’m not cutting you off! Not everything is about you!”
This seemed to really dig into Euijoo’s skin. “If it’s not about me, then why am I the only one being ignored, Nicholas. Why can you laugh and joke and be all buddy-buddy with Maki or Haru but not with me all of a sudden? Like everything’s fine? If it’s not about me, why am I the only fucking one? We’ve been close for years, and not once have you thought twice about telling me what's on your mind, whether it be random shower thoughts or venting ‘cause you needed an ear, and I have always been there. Not once has anything you said to me turned me away from you. If it’s not about me, why now?
The questions sent an ice-cold shiver down Nicholas’s spine. The words were caught in his throat, and there wasn’t a response he could think of that would make sense to the other. He couldn’t make this better.
That thought alone sent a flurry of self-hatred to his head.
He felt so stupid.
“Exactly what I thought,” Euijoo murmured after another beat of silence, realizing Nicholas wasn’t going to speak up. He pulled the crown off his head and tossed it into the older’s lap before standing up and turning to leave, which caught the blonde’s eyes.
“Where are you going?” He quickly called out, not expecting the other to just go.
Euijoo didn’t bother turning back around. If he did, Nicholas would’ve seen the fresh tears threatening to spill. “Giving you the space you want so bad.” He answered without a pause in his steps.
“I don’t want- Euijoo!” Nicholas scrambled to his feet, ready to chase after the boy. His mind was all jumbled, and anger still simmered just beneath his skin, but it was being washed away by that same anxiety from earlier.
Why won’t his feet move? Every muscle inside of him was screaming to go after Euijoo, to go talk to him and admit his mistake. Listen to Maki and just confess.
But he couldn’t move.
He was rooted watching the back of the man he was in love with get smaller as he walked away from them, leaves crunching under every step. He was slipping through his fingers with each second, and all Nicholas could do was avert his gaze to the crown of sticks in his hand.
He really fucked up.
He really fucked everything up and lost his best friend anyway.
His grip on his pocket knife tightened as frustration flooded his body. He wanted to cry, or scream, or rip out the ground from underneath him, but what would that do? It wouldn’t make Euijoo suddenly turn around and run back. It wouldn’t get rid of the weights settled in his chest. It wouldn’t fill the empty space left in his suffocating heart, which he now realized relied on the other for the oxygen it needed.
He flicked open the blade with his thumb and swung as hard as he could, hurling it across from him as if the cold metal was to blame for his own actions. He needed this hot rage out of his body; out of his skin. It hit a tree with a thump, but seeing the knife land perfectly into the bark with a bullseye wasn’t enough. His grip went for the crown next, but the image of it on Euijoo’s head stopped him from launching it against a treetrunk as well.
He couldn’t ruin that too.
Was it worth it to keep his skin if it meant losing the sweater that kept him warm?