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They’d done it on a whim.
A month of shifts together, two with ten months between them, a lot of what Frank had to consider very damning numbers for himself. Damning because that was not enough time to have started feeling the feelings that he felt for Mel.
But God, how could he not?
And, after all, Mel was trying to be more independent. She wanted experience! She wanted to try new things! She wanted to have fun! And she had expressed a desire to go out to a bar, to actually get drunk for the first time in her life, and Frank-well, he thought it was pretty adorable, how excited she was about the prospect of a hangover, he was rather fond of her scientific approach to so many aspects of life, but he was worried, too. It wasn’t because he didn’t trust Mel or didn’t think she could handle herself, but she had expressed to him that she didn’t have anyone to go do things like that with, and the thought of her alone at a bar made him nervous. There were way too many creeps out there who might try something and…he didn’t even know what he’d do.
So he’d said he’d go with her and be a designated driver.
And a friend.
Because that’s what they were.
Friends.
So now he was sitting outside her townhouse, parked at the curb, texting Abby back and forth. He tried not to let it sour his mood. Abby had had a change in her own plans so now the kids were with a sitter while she went on a date. He didn’t like spontaneity. He never had. Despite his outward demeanor of “not giving a fuck”, he was actually a bit of a tightass. He had to be. Couldn’t really not give a fuck in the ED. He sometimes thought he gave a little bit too much.
Frank sighed, bringing his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. No, none of that. He was going out tonight to have fun with his friend and introduce her to the world of awful bar atmospheres and terrible hangovers.
He jumped at the sound of the passenger door opening, and froze at the sight of Mel as she settled into the seat, smiling brightly at him.
“Hello.”
Frank stared.
“Um-Frank? Are you okay?”
“W-w-yeah. Yes. Uh-sorry, I-first time seeing you dressed…not for work.”
And dressed she was. Her dress was short and an almost obnoxious blue, with a plunging neckline that fit loosely, her back completely exposed, big expanses of smooth, pale skin that he never thought he’d lay his eyes on. Her hair was down and loose, and she had different glasses on. The frames were a similar shape but a bright, translucent purple. Her big stud earrings caught the overhead light of his car before it turned off.
Mel frowned, looking down at herself.
“Should I change? I-”
“No! No-”
That had been said embarrassingly quickly.
“No, sorry, I just-I really…you look good. You look-you look really good, Mel.”
She smiled, that sweet little smile that she seemed to reserve just for him, that made him feel a little less like his world was always about to end. Mel ducked her head down, her hair falling around her face.
“Thank you. I think you look very nice, too.”
Frank blushed. Nothing special, not to him, just his usual going out clothes. Jeans, boots, tshirt, cotton bomber jacket he’d had since he graduated. Mel reached out, hesitating, her fingers curling for a moment before they landed on his arm.
“Are you going to be okay around alcohol?”
He huffed, an almost laugh. It was sweet of her to ask.
“Yeah. I should be alright. If-if it gets to be too much, I’ll tell you.”
A nod, her hair bouncing with the movement. It looked so soft. He wanted to run his fingers through it, but started the car instead.
They’d picked a nicer bar and restaurant so they could eat; Frank had given her the rundown on the best way to get drunk, which she had taken actual notes on, because she was so goddamn endearing. Food first, then heavy liquor, then something lighter, lots of water all the way through. Frank had also intended to be a gentleman the whole night; he opened the car door for her when they arrived, the door to the restaurant, he’d pulled her chair out when they were seated. It was crazy to him how she looked even more stunning in the warm yellow light of the restaurant. No cold fluorescents, not like at work. Everything about her was brighter, more alive. Her eyes were such a deep, rich hazel. Of course he’d noticed that before, but it was more prominent now.
He really wanted to see her outside of work more often.
She also seemed to be carrying a lot less tension.
“I-”
Mel bit her lip, stifling a giggle.
“-I’m really excited. I’ve had alcohol, but-I’ve never gone to a bar and-”
Frank had to laugh. Not at her. She was just so cute.
She shifted as a waiter came to them, and his eyes dipped down to her chest.
Cute was far from the only word he’d use to describe her.
She ordered a cocktail and he watched as she sipped at it.
“Gonna do any shots?”
“Should I?”
Another laugh. Man. No one really made him laugh like she did.
“If you wanna speed up the process, yeah.”
She licked her lips, and he couldn’t tear his eyes away.
—
Two hours later and Frank was considering the very real possibility that being the sober friend was actually incredibly fun.
Mel was well and truly drunk now. She’d eaten a hearty meal and had done some shots after that, two more cocktails, two beers, and was now nursing her way through a glass of whiskey. A part of him was proud. She might have been able to out-drink him back in his college days.
They had each ordered big slices of chocolate cake, as a treat. Mel, apparently, loved chocolate cake more than anything in the world. Except maybe her sister. But she really loved the cake, to the point that she let out a moan after a bite.
That sound would stick in his head for the rest of time.
“This is so good.”
“It really is. Me and A-”
He cleared his throat. It was fine. He could tell her. He could tell Mel anything and it would be fine.
“-me and Abby came here a few times. Great date night spot.”
Mel bit her lip and looked up at him. She’d taken her glasses off and he’d put them in his jacket pocket.
“Really? So-if this were a date-”
Frank’s eyes widened and his face felt hot. Mel lifted her hands to run them through her hair, pushing it back and away from her face. Frank could see people around them noticing her, checking her out. It had been happening since they arrived, and he had to tamp down any jealousy he felt at the way men and women would watch her. She wasn’t his. He didn’t get to be jealous.
“-this is where you’d take me?”
His mouth hanged open, until he remembered to shut it.
“Uh-I-”
She giggled again and reached out, stroking her fingers over the bare skin of his forearm. He felt his abdomen tighten, a shock of sensation flirting through his body.
“I’ve always wondered what it would be like. Going on a date with you.”
Frank continued to stare. Mel tilted her head, a smile on her lips.
“You’re really handsome. It’s-you’re very distracting.”
“I-I-yeah?”
She nodded, her fingers still moving in that gentle, electric shock back and forth over his skin.
“I str-struggle to get my work done sometimes. It’s so-weird, because I feel so much better with you near me, but-I like looking at you.”
Her fingers moved down to his hand, tracing the veins.
“Your hands are so hot.”
It was said so bluntly. He felt like he was in a dream. Mel lowered her voice, in pitch and volume.
“I think about your hands a lot, Frank.”
Frank had to take a deep breath. Collect himself. Catch himself. She was drunk. It was her first time getting really drunk, she didn’t mean it. Why would she? Why would Melissa King, of all people in all the world, want him as anything other than a friend? He could be a good friend. But he couldn’t be a good-she knew that. She knew he’d let Abby down, let his kids down.
….But she told him he’d never let her down.
Frank swallowed. His throat felt dry and his skin felt hot and she had laid her hand over his.
“Uh-maybe we should get you home-”
She grinned, her eyes half-lidded and dark.
“I’d like that.”
He’d let her down gently when she was settled at home. Frank wouldn’t ever touch her, drunk or sober, he didn’t deserve to. He didn’t deserve most of the things he had in life. And he had to think, as he paid the check, that this was a funny little joke on the part of the universe. Mel didn’t want him, no, that would be-that would be some kind of extremely unearned blessing from the hands of the Almighty Himself, if she did. So the universe was telling him, “This? This is what you’ll never have. And you’ll never have it because you’re you. Because you do not deserve it.”
And he believed that. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve what Mel did give him, the friendship and companionship and love. She was too good and he was too bad and there was nothing that would change that.
She leaned on him on the way to the car, pressed against him, her body flush to his, warm and firm and smiling up at him. He kept a chase arm around her waist, guiding her into the passenger seat, avoiding looking anywhere but her face, especially as the skirt of her dress rode up slightly. Mel dozed off on the ride home, and he did glance at her then. She’d put his jacket on before they left the restaurant, and she had sort of curled up in it, wrapping it around herself.
Frank wished, as he parked in front of her house, that he could carry her to the door. He wanted to be that guy. That knight in shining armor.
But he wasn’t.
Frank gently woke her and once again had a careful grip on her waist as he walked her to the door. Mel quietly moaned, pressing her face against his neck as he unlocked the door.
“Frank?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you stay tonight?”
He really shouldn’t. Mel was looking up at him, her eyes big and sweet and honest.
He nodded.
“Yeah. I can stay.”
So he did. He got Mel into the house and up the stairs and stood outside her bathroom as she changed into something more comfortable to sleep in-a big shirt with bleach stains on it-and got her into bed. He put a glass of water by her bed, something to take for the headache she’d likely have in the morning. He knew she didn’t really like taking medicine because she was sensitive to it, but it couldn’t hurt to have the option. Frank went through her pantry and found plain crackers and put those by the bed, too. Good to have something simple in the morning if she was nauseous, He stood, preparing to go to the living room and make himself at home on the couch, but Mel’s hand shot out and gripped his wrist.
“No-stay here-stay in here-”
“Mel-”
“Please, Frank, I-I love you so much and I don’t want you to be anywhere but with me-”
It was strange. He was pretty sure the earth itself had just fallen out from under him.
“What?”
Mel tugged on his wrist, her eyes closed, face half shoved into the pillow.
“I love you, I don’t-I don’t like it when you’re not with me. I feel-the world is less confusing and hard when you’re here and I don’t feel like-I don’t feel like I have to-”
She whined, and Frank quickly took his shoes off, climbing into the bed, letting her arrange herself. Mel laid with her head on his thigh, hugging his leg. Frank stroked his fingers through her hair. It was as soft as he thought it would be.
Mel nuzzled his thigh.
“I’m never scared when you’re here. I’m never-I don’t feel like I have to be-I don’t have to be the best at everything or the one taking care of everything-cause you take care of me-”
Frank let out a shuddering breath. This was one of the worst moments of his life. He was being tortured by the universe. He knew that for sure, now. Because why else would Mel say all these things? Why would she do this if not for the universe mocking how much he loved her? How desperately he needed her? How much he looked at her and to her and how he couldn’t bear to be apart from her? Frank was only ever happy with his kids and with Mel. Truly happy, with none of the noise in his head, none of the need to escape. He could just be there, with them. With her.
“I want to be your girlfriend but I’m afraid you-I’m afraid I’m not-I’m not a person in the right way.”
Frank’s hand paused in her hair.
“Mel, that’s…that’s not true.”
He knew what she meant. She felt depersonalized. Mel told him she felt like all she was was the roles she played. There was no “Mel King”, really, not beyond the roles she served in her life.
“You’re…so, so incredible. You’re-so smart, and thoughtful, you’re sweet and you’re loving and I know you have…a lot of fear, I know you have a lot of uncertainty, but-”
His fingers continued to move over her head, petting her softly.
“-you’re the most remarkable person I’ve ever met. It’s like I’m looking at the sun. You’re so much more than-than what you think.”
She hummed, rubbing her cheek against the denim on his thigh.
“So are you.”
Frank bit down hard on his bottom lip, his eyes stinging. He couldn’t believe that. She was…she was just drunk. That’s it. As much as she genuinely liked him and considered him a friend, he couldn’t believe that she believed that. No one could.
“I’m really tired.”
Frank swallowed down the lump of despair in his throat. He brought his other hand up to softly rub her forehead, something his grandmother always used to do for him. She seemed to like it, sleepily trying to get closer to the sensation.
“Go to sleep, Mel. I’ll-I have to go back home early tomorrow, so-I’ll be gone when you wake up, but I’ll leave you a note, okay?”
“Mmhm.”
He kept petting her until he heard gentle, even breathing. Frank took a deep breath, checking to make sure Mel was really asleep. He couldn’t raise his voice above a whisper.
“I love you. I think…I think I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. I want everything you said to be real and true but-I want what I can have, and I know I can’t have you. But…I don’t think there’s anything more in this world that I want than for you to love me.”
Frank covered his mouth, trying to will away the tears forming in his eyes. Mel continued to sleep peacefully against him.
—
“Heya, Mel.”
“Hello, Dana.”
“I like the new jacket. Looks kinda familiar.”
Frank’s head whipped around, and Mel was walking up to him, in his jacket, looking at home in it. It made his chest hurt, to think of her as finding a home with him. She smiled at him, standing with her hands clasped in front of her.
“Hi.”
Despite everything, he smiled back. It was impossible not to. Mel just made him happy.
“Hey. How you feeling?”
“Um-I’m doing well. I don’t think my hangover was that severe. The-I did-I did appreciate the crackers. And…the note.”
He’d left a note clarifying that he’d had to go home before she woke up, because he wouldn’t ever chance leaving her alone and confused.
“I…I had a really great time last night, Frank.”
“Me too.”
The things she’d said played over and over in his head as he walked with her to the lockers. It felt natural. To just be with her, no matter what they were doing. He leaned against the lockers, watching her. Any excuse to look at her.
“So-what did you think of getting drunk?”
“It-I think it was fun. I don’t think it’s something I would seek out often, but-I think you being there really-really made it better.”
Frank ducked his head down, as bashful as he always felt when she complimented him.
“Well, if you ever wanna do it again-call me. Was kinda fun being the designated driver. You’re-you’re a fun drunk, I gotta tell you.”
Mel closed her locker and winced, looking up at him.
“Did I do anything embarrassing? Or-or say anything embarrassing?”
Frank tried to steel his expression. He wouldn’t tell her. Not because he didn’t want to be honest, but because if he did tell her and she responded by saying it had all been lies, all been nothing but alcohol-induced rambling that didn’t mean anything, that she didn’t love him and want him, he’d go right back to the dispenser and take anything he could get access to.
He shook his head, a forced grin on his face.
“No. You were a little cuddly, though. I’d almost say clingy.”
Mel laughed. God, what a rush that was to hear.
“Well-I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”
Frank shook his head.
“Don’t worry about it. Would always rather have a clingy drunk than an angry one.”
Mel looked at him for a moment, before stepping closer. She reached out, hesitating, fingers curling, before they gently wrapped around his. Her cheeks were pink and he himself felt a heat settle into his skin.
“Thank you for-for taking care of me, Frank. I…”
She exhaled softly.
“...the whole world really just feels…less intimidating when you’re with me.”
He looked into those deep, hazel eyes, colder in the fluorescents, and swallowed, that lump of despair returned and worse.
“I’m…here whenever you need me.”
He was. Just not in the way he wanted to be.
He let her keep the jacket.