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Rin felt awful. He had lost to Isagi for the second time, and worse, he’d ended up on the same level as him in the rankings.
The final match in the NEL had just ended. Some people were celebrating, others… not so much. Rin definitely had nothing to celebrate.
He didn’t know if Sae had watched his performance, but even so, he felt like he had disappointed him again. Once again, he had been overshadowed by Isagi and his damn luck.
He lost. And he felt terrible about it. He hated that feeling of helplessness, because now there was nothing he could do to change the result. It was already over. There was no fixing it, no turning things around to make his team win. He knew he had to accept it, but he just couldn’t.
He hated Isagi for what he’d done. For taking all the praise and recognition. He felt inadequate, like all those trainings and sleepless nights had been for nothing.
He felt pathetic. If he had done something differently, maybe he would have won. He couldn’t accept the loss, he was weak.
After the final rankings were announced, the whole PXG team returned to the locker room in low spirits. After all, it was only natural, losing tends to put everyone in a bad mood.
Some of them were quietly talking to each other, while others were simply changing into their everyday clothes. Rin, however, remained still, sitting on the bench, lost in thought. He stared at the floor, not paying any attention to what was happening around him. Nanase even came up to him and asked if he was okay, only to be met with a murderous glare that immediately drove him away.
It didn’t take long before Rin was left alone in the locker room. Everyone had left pretty quickly, most likely heading out for dinner to celebrate the end of the NEL, or just going back to their rooms to rest after such an intense match.
The room was now quiet and dark, and yet Rin still didn’t want to move. He couldn’t. He just wanted to stay there, completely alone. He knew he probably looked pathetic, but he ignored that thought. He didn’t want to think about it.
He should leave, lock himself in his room and grieve all of this there. But even if he tried, he couldn’t move. His legs felt like they would give out the moment he stood up, and his head felt heavy.
Instead, he pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face in them, trying to hide his embarrassment. He felt weak and fragile.
He was still number one, but that title no longer belonged to him alone. He had to share it with Isagi. And that hurt. He wanted to be special, the best, but apparently, that just wasn’t meant for him.
And worst of all, when Sae found out about the match and its result, he wouldn’t be proud of him. He’d probably just look at Isagi again. Everything felt so pointless.
He didn’t even notice when his cheeks became wet. He didn’t want to cry, so why was he? He tried to calm himself down, but he couldn’t. Negative thoughts took over his mind, not allowing him to relax. It was exhausting.
He didn’t want to feel this way, he hated it. He didn’t know what to do he felt helpless. Especially now, as his breathing became uncontrollable and he couldn’t steady it. There was a strange tightness in his chest, like he was suffocating, which made him panic, and that only made things worse.
This wasn’t the first time it had happened. The first was after the U-20 match, in the shower. It felt like he had spent hours there, trying to calm down. The shortness of breath and his trembling hands, which he couldn’t control, had been terrifying.
He didn’t want it to happen again now. He didn’t have time for this. He needed to leave this place as soon as possible, but in this state, he couldn’t even move. His whole body was shaking, and his mouth felt dry.
He tried to suppress his crying, which had already turned into near sobbing, but it was useless. It only made him feel like he had even less air, as if every breath was something precious and hard to obtain.
He tried to calm down, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know what was happening around him, he felt like he was in danger, even though that wasn’t the case. The locker rooms were designed to be safe.
He was so distracted, and his vision so blurred, that he didn’t even hear the door open. He only realized it when he heard a familiar voice, one belonging to the person he definitely didn’t want to see right now.
“Rin-rin? Why do you look like a crying puppy?” Shidou asked as he walked in. Apparently, he had forgotten something in the locker room and had to come back for it. And the sight inside was… unexpected.
At first, he was going to ignore him and leave. But seeing how the younger boy didn’t respond, just curled up into himself like he was trying to disappear from everything, he hesitated. Leaving him like this didn’t seem like a good idea.
He knew Sae, they had exchanged numbers after the U-20 match, and he was pretty sure that if the older Itoshi found out Shidou had seen Rin in this state and did nothing, he’d give him a long lecture about it. Because deep down, Sae did care about Rin, even if he didn’t show it much.
“You’re gonna suffocate at this rate, idiot” Shidou sighed, watching as Rin tried to suppress every sound, as if it wasn’t obvious at all that he was crying.
Itoshi tried to speak, to tell him to leave and go away, but no words would come out, no matter how hard he tried.
Ryusei sighed again, louder this time, and slowly walked over to Rin. He sat down beside him, keeping some distance so he wouldn’t scare him. They stayed like that in silence, with only the sound of Rin’s sobbing filling the room, refusing to fade.
Shidou didn’t know how to act around someone who clearly didn’t want to talk to him, yet looked and behaved like this.
“Damn, eyelashes, you’re really emotional" he said. Rin tried to deny it, but once again, he couldn’t. The moment he tried to speak, he felt short of breath, which stopped him.
“You’re shaking all over. Just like a freezing dog” After that, Rin shifted away from him as much as he could. Shidou chuckled quietly. “Don’t get offended, you’re acting like a five-year-old. Just breathe and you’ll be fine”
Easy to say. Rin wanted to yell at him and hit him, even though, in some way, he was helping. Though his advice wasn’t helpful. He knew he had to breathe, he was trying. He didn’t need to be reminded.
Rin kept acting the same way, struggling to do anything, and it was starting to drive Shidou crazy. Honestly, he could’ve just left and walked out, but he knew that wouldn’t help. Besides, if anyone found out, he’d probably get criticized for not helping or something like that. So yeah, he was stuck.
“Whatever got you into this state doesn’t matter. Forget about it. Or tell me what it is” he offered, though he didn’t really expect Rin to respond. If Rin could’ve spoken, he would’ve done it much earlier, so Ryusei realized that he was having trouble getting any words out at all.
Rin turned slightly away from him and tried to hit him, though the punch was weak, like a child’s. Shidou smiled.
“So now you’re getting aggressive? I’ve got the clear advantage here, so you might not want to pick a fight,” he joked lightly, as he always did. But then he did something unexpected, he moved closer to the other boy, almost pulling him into an embrace. Rin could feel his warmth.
“Maybe instead we should show each other a little affection? It’s kind of cute, right? I think my cells are about to explode" he added, pulling Rin closer so that he instinctively leaned against him. Being hugged by his rival wasn’t exactly ideal, but to his surprise… it felt nice. Or maybe his brain just wasn’t thinking clearly right now.
He couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged him. The feeling left him slightly confused. Instead of overthinking it, he ignored his pride and buried his face into Shidou’s shoulder, muffling his sobs there. He was still uneasy, but in Shidou’s opinion, it was already getting better.
They sat there in silence, neither of them really knowing what to say. This kind of thing was unfamiliar and strange to both of them, though it also became oddly comforting once they got used to it.
Shidou didn’t mind that his shirt would end up completely soaked, or that he was basically being used as a pillow. Seeing Rin like this was incredibly rare, and beautiful, in its own way. A crying Itoshi was definitely not something Ryusei had ever expected to witness.
Rin, on the other hand, knew that once all of this was over and he had calmed down, he was going to kill Shidou, for staying instead of ignoring him. Though, he could admit… it helped a little.
After a few minutes, he lifted his gaze, looking at Shidou, who smiled again the moment he noticed.
“Is your breathing back to normal?” he asked. Rin nodded uncertainly. He felt small and helpless in Ryusei’s arms, even though they were the same height and had similar builds.
“Why are you here?” Rin spoke, his voice still shaky.
“Huh? Was I supposed to just leave you when it was obvious you were about to pass out from lack of oxygen?”
“Shut up” He pulled away from him, wiping his tear-stained eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. He didn’t want Shidou to see him like this. Tears still slipped down his cheeks from time to time, which was embarrassing.
“So, are you going to tell me what happened that made you break down like this? I have a right to know” Shidou said, not taking his eyes off him.
“I’m not telling you anything, you pest” Rin forced out, then needed a few seconds before finishing what he wanted to say. “Leave. I’ll handle it myself…”
“Well, you’re still leaking from your eyes, so how am I supposed to believe it won’t happen again?”
“Don’t look at me” he said, already embarrassed enough. He didn’t want Shidou watching him like this. He was afraid he’d tell someone else and turn him into a joke.
“Hard to look away from those eyes. By the way, your tears get caught on your lashes, it shows how long they really are" he added, maybe watching his face a little too closely.
“You’re annoying… Don’t tell anyone about what you saw here” Rin warned him, pausing for a moment mid-sentence to catch his breath.
“Sure. I’ll pretend nothing happened" Shidou assured him, though Rin wasn’t sure if he could trust him.
“Yeah…” Rin replied uncertainly, then buried his face in his knees again. Under his breath, he whispered something he definitely shouldn’t have said out loud. “I lost.”
“Huh? I lost too, so what?” Shidou asked with a grin, as if it didn’t bother him at all. “One loss isn’t going to make us lose for the rest of our lives.”
“But Isagi beat me again. Now Sae isn’t looking at me, he’s looking at him.” He definitely said too much, but that was probably because he wasn’t fully aware of himself right now. He’d regret it later.
“So it’s about Sae’s attention, huh?”
“Shut up” He felt like getting up and leaving. He probably would have, if not for how he looked. He didn’t want to risk running into more people who might see him like this.
“Rin-rin, you know Sae watched the match.” Rin didn’t understand the point of that statement, but it definitely made his mood worse. Now he was sure Sae had seen his loss. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes again.
“Jeez, let’s not start this all over again” Ryusei said immediately when he noticed Rin was about to break down again. “Sae thinks you’re a good striker, Rin-rin.”
“How would you know that?” Rin felt his voice crack.
“We’re in touch, aren’t we?” he said as if it were obvious. For Rin, it definitely wasn’t. The fact that Sae kept in contact with someone like him instead of his own brother made him want to scream. Shidou was definitely not helping right now.
He said nothing, curling up again like a wounded animal.
“Why do you have to be so difficult? I’m literally telling you that Sae thinks highly of you, cheer up or something” Shidou sighed, slowly giving up. Rin was definitely hard to deal with.
"You’re lying” Sae hadn’t said anything nice to him in a long time. What Shidou was saying couldn’t be true.
“I’m not lying! But if you don’t want to believe it, then don’t” The problem was, Rin wanted to believe it, but he just couldn’t.
“…Does Sae ever say anything about me?” he asked after a few seconds of silence, unsure if he even wanted to hear the answer.
“Of course he does. He likes you, you know?”
“Did he say that?”
“Well… no, but-” He didn’t get to finish, because Rin had already hit him with the first random thing he grabbed.
“Then why give me hope, you cockroach?” he shouted, looking like a hurt child. In a way, it was kind of cute.
“Sae doesn’t say it directly, but you can tell. You know he told me to keep an eye on you?” That part was true, Sae had told Shidou a few times to watch out for Rin and not get into any fights with him. That alone showed that the older Itoshi cared, in his own way.
“That doesn’t mean anything.” In Rin’s mind, Sae could’ve said that just out of obligation. Though, Sae wasn’t really the type to act out of politeness… still, Rin believed that in Sae’s mind, he didn’t exist, even though he wanted to.
“It means more than you think, Rin-rin! He does care about you!” Shidou insisted. He didn’t even know why he cared so much about convincing him.
“About me?”
“Who else, idiot?” Sae would never say outright that he cared about Rin, but it showed in his actions.
Rin hesitated, then looked away, unsure of what to say. He didn’t even know if Shidou was telling the truth, he was afraid of letting himself hope and getting hurt again. After all, Shidou could just be saying it to make fun of him. They didn’t like each other, after all he had no right to comfort him.
But Shidou was completely sincere. He didn’t have any hidden agenda, he just felt he needed to tell him, especially after realizing how much Rin cared about it.
“I want to be alone” Rin finally said. He still needed a moment to calm down, to make sure there was no trace left under his eyes from crying. And he definitely didn’t need Shidou.
“Whatever.” Ryusei got up, honoring Rin’s request. He was already tired enough and didn’t want to drag this out any longer. “No ‘thank you’?” he teased, standing by the door.
“I hate you” he hissed, though he could admit that if it weren’t for Shidou, he’d probably still be crying and embarrassed. He never would have thought that this pest could calm him down so quickly, and that just having him there would help.
He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he was grateful. Truth be told, he hated being alone in moments like this, but this was the first time someone had actually stayed and waited.
Maybe Shidou wasn’t so bad after all.