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At first glance, Jackie Taylor seems just like the stereotypical popular girl. She's not blind; she knows how beautiful she is with her long blonde hair and friendly smile.
Contrary to popular belief, Jackie is actually aware of her effect on people: she’s aware that her demeanour can draw people in. Jackie has learned that flattery is an incredibly useful and powerful tool that can get you pretty much get you anything you want.
The difficult part is pretending to be someone else. Jackie has been doing it all her life, playing the role of perfect daughter, doing everything in her power to please her mom and live up to everyone’s expectations. It’s exhausting, draining and definitely not sustainable. Does she even know who she is outside of this bubble?
No, not really. Jackie realizes that she has never allowed herself a moment of silence. She busies herself with soccer, friendship and Shauna. Her attraction to Shauna is undeniable, with the way she throws herself at Shauna at sleepovers, deepening kisses as her hands roam down Shauna’s strong shoulders. But beyond that? Jackie has never been truly honest with anyone, including herself.
She would pull away from the kiss, panting, “This doesn’t mean anything; just practice.”
Jackie would give in to her attraction to Shauna. She let herself have Shauna, but the truth is, she never had Shauna, not really. That had been apparent from their whole falling out after her best friend slept with her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend.
Did he elicit the soft sighs out of Shauna’s pretty lips as he kissed her neck? Jealously gnawed at the thought of Jeff sleeping with her, Shauna. Jackie is, or at least was, Shauna’s best friend. She’s supposed to get all of her attention and affection. The indifference she felt towards Jeff didn’t surprise her.
He was just there. Those four years with him weren’t exactly meaningful. Finding out about Shauna’s betrayal stung. Her best friend slept with someone, someone else. Someone who wasn’t Jackie.
It snapped her back to reality. She didn’t care about Jeff. She wanted Shauna, and those feelings haven’t faded at all. However, they are Jackie and Shauna. They have a shared habit of not communicating.
Jackie has learned to read others, but of course, Shauna Shipman has always been the exception. She can't ever recall a time in her life when she hasn't thought of Shauna fondly. They were in the same kindergarten; Jackie had seen the girl around, usually in the corner, curled on the green bean bag with a book in her hand. Five-year-old Jackie was intrigued, and she didn’t understand why.
The first time Jackie interacted with the brown-eyed girl was scribbling with a green crayon, tongue stuck out with concentration, as she doodled—alone at her table, in their kindergarten classroom."Can I sit with you?" Jackie's smile was so wide that it displayed the gap between her missing teeth. The beautiful brown-eyed girl bit her lip. "Okay, she said after a moment of quiet hesitation.
Jackie grinned in satisfaction, eyes gleaming as she slid into the chair beside her. "I'm Jackie," she introduced as she picked up a pink crayon and started mindlessly scribbling onto her paper. The students were told to choose a table; a variety of stations were set up for the kids to try out different types of arts and crafts. Jackie didn't have any particular interest in the crayons; the glittery gel pens seemed more fun to play with, but she wanted to sit with Shauna.
"I'm Shauna," the girl said quietly.
"I know. I hear it during attendance every day, silly," Jackie says like it's common knowledge. She does have a point, but no other kids have tried speaking to her in the last week. Shauna didn't say anything for a couple of moments. "Why are you sitting with me?" She asked quietly, eyes on her paper."
"Because I want to," Jackie said simply as she picked up a pink crayon.
"Why? No one wants to sit with me." Shauna questions, avoiding eye contact.
"Because I want to be your friend," Jackie hums to herself before they fell into a comfortable silence, which isn't odd for Shauna, but it is a little out of character for Jackie not to be talking her ear off. Shauna had never been able to ignore Jackie's presence, with the energetic girl speaking enthusiastically to basically anyone she came into contact with.
After a few minutes of intense work, Jackie slid her paper across the table. "For you," she said simply with a proud smile. The once blank page is filled with colourful swirls and lines. Countless messy but thought-out scribbles form what seems to be an attempt at drawing the night sky.
"For me?" Shauna's big brown eyes widened.
"Yes, silly, we're friends now," she declared. " We can have sleepovers, watch movies, and eat popcorn. You should ask your parents! I'll ask my mom." Jackie beamed in obvious excitement.
Shauna blinked in bewilderment. Jackie was getting so excited just at the prospect of spending time with her, and she didn't know how to respond, but after a pause, she nodded in agreement.
From that moment, they have been practically glued to each other's sides. Their bond solidified with every moment they spent together. It was safe to say that Jackie is obsessed with spending time with Shauna.
Jackie likes listening to Shauna. It's no secret that Shauna is smart. But, to be completely honest, most of the time, Jackie’s eyes are glued to Shauna’s lips as she rambles passionately about how inaccurate the latest movie is. To her credit, she tried to listen, but her eyes were constantly drawn to the movement of Shauna’s soft and full lips.
The pair spend almost every waking moment together. Shauna drives her to school every morning, and they eat lunch together in the cafeteria. Jackie even accompanies Shauna in the library ( even if she's doing nothing productive but distracting her), and of course, they're inseparable at practice; Jackie makes a conscious effort to pair up with Shauna for every drill. Even through slumber, they’re curled up together under the sheets.
Jackie can see how people get the impression that Shauna is the clingy one, since the brunette and her sad brown hovers by Jackie's side while she chats with other people. They couldn't be any more wrong.
The truth is that Jackie is aware of the fact that Shauna doesn't like being dragged to crowded parties that reek of cheap liquor and the body odour of hormone-driven teenagers who forgo deodorant. She knows that Shauna would rather be at home, curled up with a worn-out book, listening to her shitty CD collection. Her face looks so soft when she’s relaxed.
Jackie knows that she can be selfish, especially when it comes to Shauna, but she was allowed to be selfish when it came to her best friend.
Shauna came clean about sleeping with her ex-boyfriend and applying to Brown without telling her. She got out most of her anger in a long rant and took some space away from Shauna. After having some time to herself and gathering her thoughts, she decides that she still wants Shauna in her life—despite everything. So, she eased back into their usual routine.
They started interacting at practice, and she pretended not to notice that her teammates sighed in relief afterwards. They hung out, but it didn’t feel the same. It became clear that they still need to have a conversation or conversations.
It just didn’t make sense to her. Shauna insisted that she didn’t have any feelings for Jeff. That only made it more confusing. That only made it more confusing. Jackie has been meaning to bring it up, but she may or may not be putting it off. Jackie has never been good at having difficult conversations, okay!?
Everything was fine.
Jackie would've gotten there on her own ( or so she says). She would have done something about their situation, eventually.
However, the universe or rather the irritating students of Wiskayok High School, decided to speed up the process.
Jackie always found Shauna beautiful; it was the truth. Shauna has gorgeous brown hair that flows over her shoulders, a cute smile and big brown doe eyes. Her best friend is objectively an attractive person, which means she draws attention. She hates it.
Jackie liked watching Shauna; she enjoyed staring at her pretty face. It was fine; she was fine until other people noticed too, and they dared to act on it.
During elementary school, Shauna was adorably shy and disinterested in speaking to anyone but Jackie, Deb and scribbling in her little books. Jackie did not complain, of course. As a kid (and now), Jackie likes occupying Shauna's attention.
During middle school, things started to shift a little. Shauna began to find herself: she started listening to different kinds of music, and she sort of came out of her shell, spending time with people other than Jackie. Shauna went through the typical teenage awkward experience, trying to find her style. She tried a lot of different clothes and styles. Jackie found Shauna’s braces adorable.
By the time Shauna got her braces removed, people started to pay more attention to her best friend, and Jackie hated it. Jackie literally found her first.
She didn't like it when boys in their classes started to eye her best friend as they passed in the halls. Jackie hated that their eyes would linger on Shauna in her soccer uniform ( the uniform she is only wearing because Jackie convinced her to try out)!
Jackie hates watching people stare at Shauna.
So, of course, Jackie did what any reasonable person would. She 'stole' the attention. Shauna was wearing clothes that would put more of her skin on display and mingling with the popular kids during class and at parties. She hated having to change her personality, but it did the job ( and drew Shauna’s eyes to her figure).
Jackie liked watching as the blush spread across the brunette's face as she got an eyeful of the expanse of her legs, which her shorts did nothing to cover.
There was only one problem: the task of keeping people away from Shauna only became increasingly difficult. They weren't in every class together anymore because Shauna's large brain led her to take a million advanced courses.
Shauna has a lot of people interested in dating her ( much to Jackie's dismay), but luckily for Jackie, she's oblivious to most of the attention. It does help that Jackie's presence is an effective tool, warding off any approaching person. Jackie wasn't a particularly mean person, at least not intentionally. It was not her fault that people still found her intimidating.
Of course, the death stares she could give may be a little scary, but if they were scared to approach the two of them, they didn’t deserve Shauna.
Jackie knows that this behaviour is not exactly normal; she just can't stand the thought of Shauna dating anyone. Just the thought of someone else making her best friend laugh or, God forbid, kissing her, fills her chest with an abnormal amount of jealousy and rage.
She was seriously getting fed up with this.
It starts when Jackie sees someone sitting in her designated seat beside Shauna during the second period.
If anyone noticed how her grip tightened on the strap of her backpack, they didn't say anything. Her jaw clenched as she marched to row behind them. If anything, everyone should know that Jackie and Shauna sit together every day by now. It's almost the end of the school year. Come on, people, get with the program.
Jackie was proud of the fact that she managed to keep the bubbling anger contained. She held back the incredibly harsh words that were building at the tip of her tongue, and everyone should know that she did not push the girl out of her sea,t even if she wanted to.
It wasn't an easy feat. Especially as she watched how they were close enough for their shoulders to be pressed against each other and how their elbows grazed with a very small moment. The fact that it wasn't an isolated incident seriously pissed her off.
Besides that incident, Jackie was having a normal day. She got to eat lunch with Shauna and watch as the brown-eyed girl rambled about a concept she was thinking about using as a thesis statement. Her lips twitched as she listened to Shauna speak passionately. Jackie even got Shauna to giggle at a few of her stupid jokes, plus, she didn't get assigned any homework that day.
When practice rolled around, she felt a little giddy to see Shauna after not seeing her for three long hours. Jackie hummed to herself as she slipped her worn practice uniform over her head.
The usual sounds of hushed chattering and soft thuds of lockers being closed echoed through the change rooms. Jackie has become well accustomed to the sounds of their chaotic locker room discussions. It became almost soothing to her; the routine, she liked the consistency.
"You're in a good mood today, Cap," Natalie commented as she pulled a stick of deodorant from her workout bag.
"It's a nice day," Jackie shrugged as she zipped her duffel bag and placed it in her usual spot in her locker. She closed her locker before twisting her lock shut.
Mari tilted her head in curiosity."Did you get back together with Jeff?”
Jackie paused for a moment in bewilderment. She could feel Shauna's eyes on her as she answered."What? No, why would you think that?" Where did they get that idea from? She didn’t even like him.
"Because you've never been broken up for more than two days," Shauna says as she passes by. brushing her shoulder with hers.
Jackie’s brow furrows in confusion. “What’s up with her?”
Natalie raises a brow, trading an amused look with Mari.“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Is what obvious? Are you guys keeping secrets from me? Does everyone know except me?” Jackie demands ( or at least she tries to).
Mari doesn’t look fazed at all; in fact, she actually laughs.
What is she missing here?
“At this rate, you’ll never figure it out.” With that, Mari is jogging out of the Locker room, water bottle in hand.
Tai rolls her eyes playfully, but her lips twitch in faint amusement. “Jackie will figure it out at her own pace. The others are already waiting; let’s go,” she says, nodding towards the grass.
Jackie doesn’t move from her spot. "Natalie,” she calls out, before the blonde can leave, too.
“Yeah, cap?” Natalie’s lips quirk like she knows something Jackie doesn’t.
“What do you know?” Jackie asks, folding her arms across her chest, trying her best to look intimidating; it has the opposite effect.
Natalie only chuckles as she drapes an arm over her shoulder, guiding her toward the field. “Nothing, cap. You’ll figure it out,” she pats her shoulder twice encouragingly before she's by Lottie’s side, beginning to warm up.
The team is going through its usual stretches before beginning drills. The sun was warm; it felt nice on her skin. It’s quite warm outside, but the breeze makes it feel quite bearable. It’s good weather for soccer.
She could see Shauna already warming up a few feet to her right. Jackie went through the familiar movements with ease from her spot on the grass. Her lips twitched as she watched Shauna; her movements were smooth and fluid, like she’s done it a million times, and it’s almost like they do this every day. Jackie was just about to say something to get the midfielder‘s attention when her eyes met another pair of eyes, also staring at Shauna.
The junior with the hat. Melissa.
Don’t get her wrong, Jackie has never had anything against Melissa. She's a decent player and hasn't given her any serious reason to dislike her. It just irked her how she was gawking at Shauna.
The audacity stunned her.
While Jackie couldn't exactly blame Melissa for staring, it still made her mad. Strands of her hair have become wavy, almost curly with sweat, framing her face.
As practice progressed, Shauna's jersey was getting soaked with the amount of effort and exertion she used. Coach calls for a quick water break. Shauna looks relaxed as her chest rises rhythmically. The brunette is oblivious to the attention on her body as she accepts the bottle of water from Misty with a soft ‘thanks.’
Shauna squirts the cold water into her mouth, sighing at how the refreshing beverage was immensely helpful during the heat. Jackie bites her lips as she watches a drip of water trail down her chin to her neck. She wants nothing more than to lick it off her.
Shauna lifts her jersey to wipe it off her face, displaying her toned stomach. Jackie’s face flushes at the sight. She’s literally seen Shauna butt-naked before, but for some reason, this feels different. Maybe it’s because she hates that other people are also privy to the shortsightedness that was Shauna.
Her abdomen wasn’t super defined, but Jackie could make out faint, soft ridges of her abs. They were glistening with sweat. They looked enticing. Jackie can see the way Shauna's stomach is rising and falling with every pant. Jackie’s cheeks flush when she realizes that she’s been fantasizing about her best friend. Those thoughts needed to stop, immediately.
Their relationship was already weird as it is. She can’t afford to make it even worse. They were strictly platonic. The kisses exchanged during their slumber parties were just practice.
Jackie may have an intimate knowledge of how Shauna’s lips feel against hers. Shauna’s lips are slightly chapped but not to the point of being uncomfortable. She likes the way Shauna’s hands tighten around her waist as Jackie straddles her lap, eagerly.
It was normal for teenage girls to practice kissing, wasn’t it? Maybe it was normal, but it stopped being normal the moment Jackie pulled Shauna on top of her, day after day.
The reflection did not make the deep irritation inside her chest fade. There was nothing that could ever make her okay with anyone ogling Shauna.
Coach Scott ends the water break and announces that he’ll be pairing them off randomly. “I don’t want to repeat myself, so listen up, guys,” he says as they gather around him, bottles abandoned on the bench.
“Shauna,” he pauses, “you’re with Natalie.” Shauna looks slightly disappointed, but she complies. Jackie is terribly disappointed, but she tries to hide it.
He continues to pair them off quickly as Jackie listens attentively for her partner. “Jackie,” he eventually says, “ with Melissa.”
Oh great.
Jackie was stuck with the one person she did not want to be paired with. Good going, coach.
Jackie was already feeling irritable, and she couldn't exactly reprimand Melissa since she technically hadn’t done anything wrong, but that didn't stop Jackie from striking the soccer ball with more precision and strength than required. Jackie practically taunts her with passes that are not difficult to receive. She put more than enough force behind the ball to bruise Melissa's skin if her shin guards weren't on. However, Jackie had reminded her teammates to wear all practice gear during practice. It was common sense and self-explanatory. So, if Melissa got a bruise from doing drills, it was on her, not Jackie.
It was also her fault for constantly following Shauna around like a lost puppy for the entire practice. Naive and innocent Melissa, making stupid excuses to be near Shauna, asks dumb questions like, "[w]here should I be in this rotation?"
Or just asking Shauna for help on understanding simple plays that Coach drew up and went over like a million times. But when Melissa’s face tightened up in obvious pain, she felt guilt pool up for a moment, but it faded when she was reminded of how Melissa was constantly looking like a dog following around Shauna.
It was kind of getting pathetic, actually. Jackie rolled her eyes as she watched them with a look of annoyance. If Melissa was going to make a move on her best, then at least she should do it properly. Sure, Shauna is a great player, amazing even, but if anyone had questions, they should come to her— the team captain.
That was absolutely now jealousy speaking.
Okay, fine, maybe she wouldn't have been able to offer helpful advice in her current stage, in her fit of rage. If Melissa came up to her, her jealously driven tantrum would've exploded, and it would not be pretty at all.
In her defence, Jackie’s actions have been quite tame. The only crime she had been guilty of was taking her frustrations out on Melissa.
She even successfully avoided the annoyingly concerned looks Shauna gave her — changing over her shower insanely quickly and getting the hell out of that change room, preventing another yelling match.
Jackie did feel a little bad for avoiding and brushing off her best friend when she was trying to check up on her. She made a mental note to apologize to her. Maybe during the party hosted by Lottie. The party is smaller than usual. Lottie only invited her teammates and a couple of her other friends. There is free booze, so Shauna will definitely be there.
It did feel weird getting ready without her. She was used to her presence; it had become a constant in her life. It was soothing, and now, Jackie is left to get ready by herself. She wonders if Shauna will wear the red dress that looks really good on her. They call it the boob dress for a reason.
Don’t get her wrong, Jackie digs the whole flannel look, Shauna rocks, but there’s something about how Shauna looks like her when Jackie styles her. It looked like she was hers, even if it’s only temporary.
She drove herself to the party (surprising, I know), but Jackie can drive despite the consensus. She parks her car across the street from Lottie’s house and walks outside, where everyone is spread across the gravel. People roamed mindlessly as others laughed and roared in excitement.
Jackie shuffles over to the trees where Van was standing with a drink in her hand next to Tai, per usual. “Hey,” she says.
“How’s it going, cap?” Van’s usual friendly smile greets her.
“I’m good,” she smiles, gesturing to the cup in her hand,” Got a drink. Have you seen Shauna around ?”
The goalkeeper smirks knowingly, exchanging a glance with her Tai. “Missing your other half already?”
“What? No, I just don’t know if she’s coming.” Jackie’s ears flush, giving the obvious lie away.
Neither one of them looks convinced. “Sure. Don’t make it too obvious, cap,” Van teases, and Taissa slaps her shoulder, scolding, but her lips twitch in amusement.
“Relax, she’s grabbing a smoke, out back,” Tai says, nodding towards the area concealed by a wall in the backyard.
Jackie can make out two faint figures in the shadows of the night as she approaches the area. Shauna is wearing the red dress that Jackie bought for her. She looks breathtaking; her brown eyes sparkle under the moonlight. Her smile is just as bright.
Jackie’s heart pounds in her chest; she can hear her heartbeat playing in her ear. Shauna is leaning against the wall as she laughs at something Natalie says. She sees Natalie take something out of her jacket pocket. The blonde lifts it, offering with a raised brow and sly smile.
Shauna’s face lips part with surprise, but she nods. She lifts her hand to accept the cigarette, but Natalie doesn't hand it over. The blonde shakes her head and says something that Jackie can't hear.
Whatever it was, it made Shauna’s cheeks darken beautifully. Jackie’s hand tightens on the red plastic cup in her hand as she watches the interaction.
Then, Natalie fucking brings the cigarette to her lips, exhaling the smoke, blowing between Shauna’s parted lips. Shauna's eyes are dazed, and the blush on her cheeks darkens beautifully. When did Shauna start smoking?
Shauna has always denied Jackie’s offer to smoke with her, but she’s shotgunning with Natalie fucking Scatorccio at a party, in front of her. The thought of Shauna replacing her made her want to lurch. Things are tense between them. Shauna can’t just be moping around all day; she has to find solace somewhere. Still, the thought of Shauna forgetting about her sent a pang of anxiety through her chest.
Natalie’s lips quirk as she takes in the sight in front of her. She looks pleased, like this was everything she wanted, and anger spiked within Jackie.
Her fingers gripped her drink like it was her lifeline. She brought the red cup to her mouth, chugging the drink like the liquor would solve all her problems. The taste made her grimace slightly, but the buzz that alcohol helped—numbing the intensity of her feelings— just as she intended.
Jackie couldn’t blame Natalie. Shauna is fun and beautiful and more addictive than any drug. Nothing can even compare to the intoxicating feeling of the firm press of lips against her mouth as her hands tilted her jaw and held her in place as she kissed her.
Jackie liked the little sounds Shauna would let out against her lips, cute groans and whimpers as she chased her lips, pulling Jackie firmly into her lap. She liked being pressed against Shauna and feeling the warmth that radiated off of her like her personal furnace. From how close up they were, Jackie could smell her shampoo as her hands gripped Shauna's flannel on both sides of her flannel.
That dam flannel that she never seemed to take off. Jackie couldn't complain too much because she looked really good in it.
Shauna’s face is still flushed, but she’s smiling at Natalie.
She looks like she's enjoying herself, and Jackie’s glad she has another friend. Shauna deserves to be happy, but if they were friends like how Shauna and Jackie were friends, they would have problems.
Shauna’s happy, glowing, almost, and Natalie has brought it out of her. Jackie feels the strong urge to shove the cigarette down Natalie's throat.
It’s a similar situation with Melisa. She actually admires Natalie, and she’s better than average at soccer, a team player, and not afraid to be herself.
Jackie wishes she were more like Natalie. She wishes she could possess even a fraction of the bravery Natalie has. She’s just so herself. She doesn’t try to fit in or make herself smaller for others.
Jackie has never been honest with anyone, including herself. She struggles to even admit that she likes girls. Jackie hasn’t even told anyone, not really. Shauna could probably deduce that because of their activities, but Jackie doesn't have any plans to come out or anything. Just the thought of saying out loud makes her heart rate spike. It made her feel sick to her stomach. If she did, she couldn’t take it back.
Her eyes are still on Shauna, but she doesn’t seem to notice. The brunette shivers as the night breeze passes over them. Natalie notices it too, slipping off her jacket for Shauna to wear.
Shauna looks like she’s about to deny the piece of clothing, but Natalie is chuckling as she insists. She reluctantly accepts the jacket—slipping her arms through the holes, giving Natalie a grateful smile that was usually reserved for Jackie.
Natalie's grin is just as big as she shakes her head. Shauna is standing with Natalie, wearing Natalie's signature black leather jacket, and she probably smells like her, too, now. She hates it. She bought that dress for Shauna.
Her eyes should be the only pair that gets to appreciate the sight of Shauna in her dress.
Fuck it.
Shauna was leaving for Brown in the fall anyway. It can’t exactly blow up in their faces if they’re miles apart. And, she needs her best friend back by her side, even if it’s only temporarily, until the end of the school year. Leaves crunched under her shoes as she marched across the backyard. She inhaled once, gathering all the courage in her body as she approached them.
“Shipman! Come with me,” she demanded in the most commanding tone that she could muster.
The brunette head snapped towards the direction of her voice. “Seriously, Jackie? This can’t wait until later?” A hint of annoyance is audible in Shauna’s voice.
“No. I need to talk to you,” Jackie insists.
Shauna glances at Natalie’s face. Once she found the approval she was searching for, Shauna nodded redundantly. “Fine,” she said.
Jackie trails through the yard past the trees to an endothermic sidewalk by her car— a safe distance from the crowd.
It’s quieter, but she can still hear the noise of the party and the soft, soft sound of dirt under her feet as Shauna follows her. She leads them to an empty sidewalk where her car was parked. Jackie leaned against her car as she looked at the brunette.
Shauna can barely even look at Jackie; it makes her sick to her stomach. She hates it when Shauna doesn't give Jackie her full attention.
“Why are you avoiding me?” Jackie asks bluntly. It was more forward than she intended, but it is an improvement from the tiptoeing she’s been doing for the last week or so. It’s a cliche, but she feels sort of lost without Shauna. Life just feels weird.
Shauna’s voice is soft as she replies, “I’m not avoiding you."
Bullshit.
“Yes, you are, Shauna,” Jackie’s voice breaks before it rises. “You’re clearly pulling away from me, and it’s driving me crazy!” She exclaims, all the frustration boiling inside of her threatening to burst. She exhales sharply, taking a moment to compose herself. It doesn’t exactly work, but she manages to persevere.
“First, you apply to Brown without telling me. Fuck, fine, I get you — you were scared to tell me. I'm not easy to talk to. But you really think that I wouldn’t be proud of you? You got into a fucking Ivy League.”
Jackie sighs in clear frustration, dragging a hand down her face, palm down. “You’ve always been brilliant, Shauna —ever since we were kids, but you’re also a fucking idiot. I might've been sad and even frustrated that we won’t be going to the same school, but I would still be fucking happy for you.”
“I-” Shauna starts, probably about to make some lame excuse. Jackie doesn’t want to hear it.
“No,” she cuts her off. “You’ve said your piece. It’s my turn,” she says firmly. Might be a little harsh, but Shauna kind of did deserve it. It felt good getting it off her chest.
“I-, okay,” Shauna agrees, and she looks like a kicked puppy with her large brown eyes widening in surprise, and her lips form a small frown. It’s so difficult being mad at Shauna. She’s never been particularly good at it. Jackie almost folds, but she manages to stay strong.
“I get that you have a self-esteem issue, that you think low of yourself, but you know me! You’ve known me for years, Shauna. You’re my best friend,” she continues. “When did you start thinking that low of me? When did you start hating me? “ Tears prickle in the corner of her eyes at the thought of Shauna’s seeming hatred towards her. Her best friend hates her.
Irritation flares within her as she watches Shauna’s lip part in preparation for a response. “That was a rhetorical question, Shipman.” It wasn’t—deep down, she wanted to know, — to hear a proper explanation, but at the same time, she didn’t want to hear the words out loud.
“I’m going to make this easy for you and spell it out for you,” She states, watching the way Shauna bites her lip, nodding in acknowledgment.
Jackie takes it as a cue to resume her. “I’m your best friend, or at least I was. I know you like the back of my fucking hand, but we’ve clearly done a shit job at communicating.”
Her chest rises and falls with every deep breath, with every greedy intake of air she takes. “You’re going to need to explain this to me because I don’t get it, I—I don’t understand you! You went behind my back to sleep with someone you claim not to care for! I know I said I forgave you, even if I’m still mad at you because I want— need you in my life,” Jackie says desperately.
She hopes that she’s being crystal clear since Shauna apparently needs to hear this out loud. “You started to distance yourself from me! And now, Melissa follows you around like a fucking dog. If you don’t want to be my friend, just say so!“ Jackie’s voice cracks.
Tears prickle in the corners of her eyes, but the anger in her chest pushes her to continue. “And you just let Natalie fucking Scatorccio blow smoke into your mouth.”
Jackie’s face flushes a bright red with anger, jealousy, and years of suppressed feelings finally escaping. She hopes that the night sky does a good job at concealing her facial expression. Shauna looks surprised at her outburst. Does she really think that Jackie could remain unaffected—that she’s some mean girl that doesn’t feel anything?
“Jackie- I-” Shauna leans back on her heels nervously, cheeks flushed with embarrassment and even humiliation.
In her state of uncontainable jealousy and anger, Jackie cuts her off once again. She should probably give her a chance to speak at some point, but anger really does get in the way of common sense. “You what, Shauna? Just tell me why you did it!” Jackie demands, anger bubbling inside her chest once again.
Why couldn’t Shauna just tell her?
“I don’t know!” Shauna exclaims. “ I don’t know,” she repeats. “I don’t understand anything I do anymore,” Shauna now sounds tired, tone almost defeated. It’s so unlike her best friend, who’s usually so intense and quick-witted, even during their arguments. Jackie can feel a piece of her heart crack, but she’s trying to stay on track, so she refocuses her attention.
“You can’t know, Shauna! You slept with my fucking boyfriend, and you don’t know why?” Jackie’s tone was firm, harsh, or as harsh as she could be with Shauna. She knows that she can be mean—she knows where to hit to make it hurt the most, but it’s different with her.
Shauna steps closer to her, throwing up her hands frantically, “Fuck, Jackie!” She exclaims in frustration, dragging a hand through her hair. “Everything I did, everything I do, everything I do is about you. My life is yours. Don’t you get that, Jackie?” Shauna asks. Her voice isn't harsh; it’s soft like a confession she’s been holding back for far too long.
A look of puzzlement slides across her face. “What is that supposed to mean?” Jackie demands.
“You slept with my boyfriend! How is that my fault?” She hates the way that her voice cracks, how affected she is by this. She can feel the tears threatening to fall. Jackie’s pent up outage has become unbearable. She hates that she has always been the type of person to cry when she’s angry.
Jackie’s so absorbed with her thoughts that she doesn’t even notice that it’s raining until she feels the fabric of her shirt clinging to her back as she shivers. The air has become colder, and the gentle soar of the rain is audible. She listens to the sound of the raindrops bouncing off the pavement rhythmically. The street is illuminated by the one streetlight that looms over them. None of them speaks for a moment. It is oddly calm, nice being here with Shauna, even if they are arguing.
It’s Shauna who breaks the silence. “Fuck, Jackie!” she repeats.
“It's always been you,” she says.
Jackie heard her loud and clear, but she wants to hear it again. She probably looks stupid, soaking wet like a damp rat, but she can’t find it within herself to care.
“What?”
Shauna’s figure is soaked from head to toe—hair completely wet—clinging to her neck as it curls with the water. The strands of beautiful brown hair do a wonderful job of framing her equally beautiful face. Droplets of water glisten on her cheek, sliding down past her lips, but she remains indifferent, eyes trained on Jackie. She doesn’t look thrown off anymore. The once timid look is gone as she takes a step closer to her. “I love you,” Shauna says, like she’s not unravelling Jackie's entire world with 3 simple words.
I love you.
Jackie is slightly taller, barely hovering over her, and suddenly leaves her lungs. Jackie’s lips part like that’ll help her breathe easier. A dazed, almost shell-shocked expression takes over her face.
“You love me?” Jackie repeats, mostly to herself.
The words aren’t exactly foreign to her. She’s heard the phrase from her friends, from her parents, from Jeff, and most importantly, from Shauna’s beautiful lips. It’s certainly not the first time Shauna has uttered those three little words to her. Jackie remembers Shauna at five years old, giggling and swearing that she’ll love her forever as she handed Jackie a hand-picked flower. So it isn’t new, but it’s different. Shauna tells her quite frequently—it’s Jackie who rarely says it out loud.
She has always just assumed that Shauna knows. Jackie Taylor loves Shauna Shipman; it’s a well-known fact.
“Don’t act so surprised, Jackie,” Shauna scoffs.
Jackie can’t help but roll her eyes. “Shut up, Shipman. I know you love me. I’m your best friend, but you love, love me?”
“That’s what I've been trying to tell you, but you keep interrupting me,” Shauna huffs, cheeks puffed out like a chubby chipmunk; it’s cute. Look who has a bad attitude.
Jackie loses track of time, just staring at Shauna. It’s not every day that gets to see Shauna’s red dress sticking to her figure as rain pours over them. It takes a while for Shauna to notice, but she breaks the silence. She had to ruin her fun.
“What?” Shauna's voice is loud, but it’s full of anger and insecurity.
“I was thinking of how cute you look when you pout,” Jackie says playfully.
The air between them shifts— it’s less tense, more playful, more like their usual energy.
“I do not pout!” Shauna protests.
Her lips look so full and kissable. Jackie’s grin returns, “Yeah, you do, Shipman. I rather like this look on—”
“Shut up,” Shauna says, hands finding purchase on either side of her hips. Jackie’s breath catches in her throat as Shauna’s grip tightens on her side and back presses against her car window. Jackie’s hands remain hovering mindlessly until Shauna slides a hand up to her face, tilting her head to the side.
Jackie thinks that she’s going to kiss her neck, but she doesn’t, just nuzzles into the crook of her neck. Shauna sighs as she inhales the scent of Jackie. Her vanilla perfume mixed with the natural smell of the rain— it’s intoxicating. “Shauna-” she says uselessly, already melting in her embrace.
“Shh,” Shauna soothes. “Let me enjoy this,” she says as she leaves a series of kisses from her jaw down to the sensitive skin of her neck. The dark-haired girl touches her face softly, fingertips gently tracing the freckles on her nose and across her cheek.
“You’re so beautiful, Jackie,” Shauna says with such reverence. She sounds stunned, like she’s in awe. Jackie swallows, hoping that the saliva will return to her dry mouth.
Shauna finally closes the distance between them with one firm kiss. Her eyes close instinctively. She can feel her bottom lip between her lips, sucking experimentally, once. Shauna smiles as she elicits a soft sigh from Jackie’s mouth; she repeats the motion over and over. Her hand on her cheek tilts her head back against the car door. Jackie allows Shauna to position her head to her liking.
“You wanted to know why I slept with Jeff, right?” Shauna murmurs between kisses. Jackie tangles her hand into the hair around the base of Shauna’s damp hair. She takes her nails through the hair and receives a satisfied rumble in exchange. “Yes,” she says breathlessly.
Shauna licks a stripe down her neck, and Jackie’s hands tighten in her hair in response. Shauna lifts her head, gazing up at her, desire evident in her dilated pupils. “Do you remember that party at Lottie’s house before nationals?” She asks, her tone low and deep.
“Hmm,” she acknowledges.
Shauna brushes a stray hair out of her face as she speaks. “It’s a little stupid,” she admits sheepishly, lips no longer brushing her neck. She’s grateful and annoyed. For once, she’s glad that the distraction of Shauna’s beautiful lips grazing her neck is gone. But at the same time, she misses the sensation of Shauna’s soft lips against her neck. She doesn’t have more than a moment to gather herself before Shauna continues her explanation.
“I told you that I loved you before Jeff dropped you off,” Shauna pauses briefly.
Jackie can recall that moment clearly. How could she forget when Shauna was wearing the red dress while saying those three magical words? She couldn’t bring herself to say them back. It’s not like she doesn’t love Shauna. Quite the opposite, she loves her too much. Looking back, it didn’t make much sense, but it felt like the right thing to do in the moment. If you didn't voice the feelings, they weren’t real, or so she thought.
“You didn't say it back, and I felt dumb, so stupid. I told him to pull over, and I kissed him.” Jackie can sense that Shauna’s explanation wasn’t complete, so she says nothing, listening intently.
“You were all over him at that party,” Shauna says. “Your perfume, I could smell it in the car even after you left. I didn’t like him or kissing him, but your scent lingered in the car even after you left. I could smell your stupidly strong perfume in his car. I tasted you, and your strawberry lip gloss on his lips,” a possessive edge takes over Shauna’s usual soft tone.
“It was the stupidest thing I've ever done, but I know how it felt to kiss you. I couldn’t handle knowing how good it feels to kiss you, how addictive it is. It fucked with my head. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn’t. All I could think was that he wasn’t you. How wrong his lips felt against mine, and I imagined how you felt kissing him.” Shauna clears her throat, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments.
“I felt like you were using me. You would kiss me. Your head rested on my pillow, you lay on my bed, and you would kiss him good morning as if what we did meant nothing to you. I wanted to understand why you liked him better than me .”
That makes more sense, even if more than fucked up. But, it was also quite flattering—Jackie feels weirdly relieved that she only slept with Jeff because of her. Is that wrong? Maybe it is, but with Shauna’s hands lingering on her neck, the thoughts fade. She leans in for a kiss, but Shauna dodges her lips. Jackie huffs in annoyance. “You’re such a fucking idiot, Shipman.”
“What?” Shauna asks incredulously.
“You did everything but tell me how you feel,” Jackie deadpans. Shauna chuckles, embarrassed. It brings a smile to her own lips. “Seriously, though. You’re an idiot, but you love me, and I love you. So we are going to figure this out,” she gestures between them.
“We are?” Shauna questions.
She seems so surprised, and she makes a mental note that they would have to work on that. “Yes, Shipman. You’re still going to Brown. I’m not going to let you waste this opportunity because I’m mad at you. You can visit me every weekend and on holidays. We'll figure it out,” Jackie says determinedly.
“You can’t visit me?” Shauna asks teasingly with an infuriating smirk.
“Asshole,” Jackie shoves her playfully. It’s the lightest Jackie has felt in weeks. One conversation hasn’t fixed everything, but it’s a good starting point. They’ll have a lot of work and stuff to figure out.
“We can take turns visiting each other,” she rolls her eyes. “ Like a rotation or something.”
“Always so on top of things,” Shauna muses, leaning awfully close for her intentions to be just pure.
“Always, Shipman,” she says before their lips meet once again. Their clothes may have gotten ruined, and they may have been sick for a week afterwards, shivering from the rain, but all the giggles they shared between kisses made it all worthwhile.