Work Text:
June 2027
“Ba- ba- ba- ball-ooooon,” Shane sounded out, encouragingly. “Bah - Loon? Hang on, is it ball-oon or ba-lloon?”
“How would I know that, Shane?”
Shane was sitting on the floor next to his sixteen-month-old daughter, Kaya. He and Ilya had seen how fascinated she’d been by balloons at a party a few weeks earlier, and Ilya had gone out to buy another pack. They’d spent the last half hour blowing up enough balloons to fill two laundry baskets. Shane was trying to get Kaya to say “balloon,” with limited success, while Ilya was busy loading them up with static and sticking them on the walls, on the furniture, and on Anya, for Kaya to retrieve. He’d started by rubbing them on the rug to charge them up, but, out of convenience, had switched to using his hair, leaving his curls in a frizzy mess.
Then Ilya’s phone dinged.
Ruby: Hi Buncle Ilya!
Jade: Hi Buncle Ilya!
Shane picked up the slack on balloon duty as Ilya responded.
Ilya: Hi Ruby!
Hi Jade!
How is the cottage?
R: Great! How’s the new baby?
Not born yet. We will let you know, don’t worry 🙂
R: Yay! Can you tell us where the boathouse key is?
Sure! Guncle Shane wants to know why
J: We want to take out the jet skis 😇
Fun! Guncle Shane says you have to wear life jackets.
J: We will!
Okay. Is it not on the hook by the door?
R: No ☹️
Is it in the drawer in the kitchen?
J: No 😢
Hold on, let me ask Guncle Shane.
R: Thank you ♥️
“Who are you texting?” Shane asked.
“Ruby and Jade. They want to take out the jet skis but they can’t find the boathouse key. Do you remember where it is?”
“It’s either on the hook by the door or in the drawer in the kitchen.”
“That’s what I told them. It's not there.”
“Well, then I don’t know where it is,” Shane said as he stuck another balloon on the wall for Kaya. “Did Hayden or Jackie take it maybe?”
“I will ask.” Ilya promptly got a response. “They say Hayden doesn’t know and Jackie is on a hike.”
“Well, I guess they’re out of luck then,” Shane said.
“Hm…,” Ilya considered. “I think it’s too late to tell them that.”
“And why is that?”
Ilya smirked. “Because I already said you asked them to wear life jackets.”
Shane huffed, eyes flashing in betrayal. “I didn’t even know you were texting them! Why would you tell them I said that?”
“Well, they know to text me because I am fun, but if I ever need to tell them something not fun, I just say that you said it.”
“You what?!” Shane screeched.
“Shane, relax! I am doing this for our brand consistency!”
This only got Shane more wound up. “‘Brand consistency’? You’ve been spending too much time with my mom. What the heck do you think your brand is, anyway?”
“Well, obviously, my brand is fun! And exciting! While your brand is…”
“Don’t say it–”
“Responsible?”
“Ha!” Shane laughed, shaking his head. “Well, no wonder they never text me!” he remarked as he accepted a balloon from Kaya and put it back in the laundry basket. “I don’t know where the key is, so they’ll have to have fun without the jet skis.”
“So I can text them, ‘Guncle Shane says have fun without jet ski,’ and that is okay with you?”
Shane rolled his eyes. “I guess it will have to be, unless you can remember where the key is.”
“Guncle Shane,” Ilya muttered, as he unlocked his phone, “Boring, responsible, and killer of joy.”
“Oh, stop!” Shane said, clamping down on his instinct to teach Ilya the word ‘killjoy’ lest it become his new nickname. “Let’s just think for a second. Maybe we’ll remember where we put it.”
Ilya closed his eyes as he thought back. They had last gone to the cottage in October, but it had already been too cold for them to be on the water… Before that, it must have been Labor Day Weekend, and the last time they used the boats, they–“Oh…” Ilya said, turning to Shane. “I think I know where it is. You’re not going to like it.”
“Where is it?”
“I think it might be in the picnic basket…. Remember? When we took out the canoe?” Ilya said, raising his eyebrows at Shane.
“You didn’t put it away?” Shane asked. And then, to his horror, he realized what this meant. “Is the other… stuff… still in there?!”
“Shane, Kaya can’t even say the word ‘balloon,’ I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what a cock ring is. And don’t worry, only the stuff we didn’t use would be left in there,” he said, winking.
“Ilya!” Shane chastised, his face, his shoulders, his whole body contorted into the definition of mortified. His expression couldn’t have been more different from the time Ilya was referencing. They had taken the canoe out to the secluded island in the middle of the lake for a romantic excursion, and Ilya had surprised him with a few extra goodies packed in with their lunch. Now all Shane could picture was the picnic basket filled with sex toys, silk restraints, and bottles of lube, and the boathouse key with its floaty keychain nestled among them.
“It’s fine, I will tell Hayden where to look.” Ilya said, a conspiratorial gleam in his eye.
“No!”
“Shane, Hayden is not a virgin.”
“I know that, f– screw you!” Shane said. “I certainly don’t need him to get any ideas in his head about what you’re into.”
“Me?” Ilya asked, incredulous, “What I’m into? Do I need to remind you of what you’re into?” Shane groaned. “What do you want me to do, Shane? Drive across Ontario just to get them the key?”
“Kinda, yeah!”
“I am not going to do that. Amy is about to pop!”
Shane dropped his head to his hands. “Please don’t say ‘pop’ when you talk about Amy…”
Ilya grasped a balloon tightly in his hand and squeezed threateningly. He released it just before it could explode. Shane suddenly had the urgent need to lie on the floor.
“Shane, how about I make you a deal…” Ilya began, speaking to the space where Shane had just been standing, “If you tell Hayden where to look for the key, I will stop using you to tell Ruby and Jade boring stuff.”
Shane groaned. Then he took a deep sigh, sat up, and pulled out his phone. He took a few tries to draft a message while Ilya giggled in the background. Finally, he sent it.
A minute later, both their phones dinged.
Hayden: Is this a prank? BECAUSE THE KEY IS NOT IN THERE!!!!
Now I’m traumatized
“Oh my God, I’m going to kill you!” Shane said through gritted teeth and with unprecedented fury.
“Oh, so you want to be single dad?” Ilya quipped.
“That sounds pretty good right now, actually!” Shane spat back.
“Well, now we need Hayden to put the picnic basket away, unless you want the rest of them to find it, too.” Ilya started drafting his response as Shane lay back on the rug. Kaya, meanwhile, had lost interest in the balloons and started climbing Shane’s chest.
“Just tell Hayden to lock it in the closet, I can’t deal with him seeing the rest of our stash,” he said, as he held Kaya steady.
“I never thought a missing boathouse key would put you back in the closet,” Ilya said, but before he could finish his instructions for Hayden, a text came through from Jackie.
Jackie: I hear someone was looking for the boathouse key?
Ilya: Yes! Did you have a nice hike?
J: Did they say I was hiking? I was kayaking! They never listen.
By the way, nice collection ;)
Thanks! So it was in the basket?
J: Yes! I can put the basket away, if you like.
Shane would appreciate that.
Okay for R and J to use jet skis?
J: As long as they wear life jackets!
Yes! We reminded them.
Also, feel free to use the picnic basket. Bring your own toys though.
J: Ha!
Ilya put his phone back in his pocket. “I have another deal for you,” he said, “after I put Kaya down for a nap, you can remind me of what you are into, and then we can send Hayden a list of recommendations. He should not be traumatized. I feel bad for Jackie!”
“We are not sending him a list of recommendations!”
“Okay. Then we make a list and don’t send it to him?”
Shane glared at him, torn between feeling enticed and furious. But even after all the balloon activity, he spotted one last intact curl on Ilya’s head that he was dying to destroy with his own greedy fingers…. And, on-brand for Shane, his desire ultimately won out. “Go put Kaya down, and I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”