Work Text:
She didn’t want to have to do it.
She never wanted this to happen.
A miscalculation, a simple mistake, and she was left with no other choice.
Dr. Ryland Grace was to be sent into space aboard the Hail Mary as their chief science officer. He claimed he couldn’t do it, and while that may have been true, he would have to anyway.
It was her choice to make now, not his.
He threw chairs and fought back to keep it from happening, but she had an arsenal at her disposal. She knew he wouldn’t win this fight, but she figured the least she could do was let him think he had a chance. Miniscule, but still, a chance.
She watched through the window as her employees chased him down. Her eyes quickly grew misty, but she blinked it away, refusing to feel sorry for herself.
She could feel sorry for him, though.
It wasn’t a lie to say he had nothing waiting for him. All he had on Earth was his students. He was expelled from the academic community and had no family or friends at home. He didn't even have a pet.
All that was stopping him was his own cowardice.
She knew his potential. She saw it in him the first day they met. Hell, she saw it when she read his paper.
Fear is a powerful drug. It’s paralyzing. It can keep many from realizing their true aspirations. It keeps them from embracing change.
It keeps them from reaching their true potential.
Whether he wanted to be or not, he would be regarded as a hero.
She stood at the window until he ran out of her sight. She craned her neck to follow his movement, but she couldn’t see him after he turned past the corner, her employees also disappearing. She quietly sighed and walked back to her desk, sitting with a straight posture, refusing to feel anything about her decisions yet.
When faced with the choice of Grace or the world she was tasked with saving, she knew what she had to do. The answer was clear.
That didn’t mean it was easy.
She sniffled, waiting for the moment of wrong, wrong, wrong to pass. Her throat was beginning to burn from repressed emotions.
She couldn’t cry yet.
The world around her felt too quiet as she waited for him to be caught.
All she could do was wait.
She picked up a pen and tried to continue filling out paperwork to distract herself, but couldn’t make herself write anything necessary or meaningful. Everything she was reading was nonsense to her as her brain refused to cooperate.
She couldn’t think. She couldn’t focus on saving the world when all she wanted was Dr. Grace to stay with his feet on the ground.
She sighed and leaned back in her chair, putting her pen down.
Memories started pushing to the forefront of her mind before she could stop them.
Singing karaoke with eyes only for him.
Him following at her heels when she beckoned him to come along.
Standing on the deck of the ship in his company, the two of them against the dying world.
She remembered everyone’s disbelief the first time they met him. World leaders would wonder what made him so special that he was put in charge of one of the most important aspects of their most important project. New scientists and recruits stared in disbelief as she introduced him as their leading expert on astrophage, with his messy hair and glasses sitting askew on his face.
Her lips twisted up into a small smile as she remembered the first time he was introduced to Yao, Ilyukhina, and DuBois. He was certainly not what the astronauts were expecting, but that made it all the more interesting.
Parts of Grace’s conversation with Yao started playing in her head, mentions of bravery and death filtering through her head.
Bravery and death.
He called himself a coward.
A tear finally fell down her cheek and she wiped it away with the refined dignity she was trying desperately to hold onto.
How could he not see he was so much more than that? That he wasn’t even that?
Dr. Ryland Grace was kind. He was passionate and caring.
He could be messy, but having a cluttered brain could allow for it.
He was silly, if the games he played with his students were any indication.
He was selfless. He gave up his students for the project, to give them the chance to live longer.
All she needed him to do was go a little farther.
She sighed, placing her elbows on her desk and resting her chin atop her locked fingers.
A little farther was almost twelve light years. He wouldn’t make it back. There were multiple ways he could die, and he wasn’t prepared for any of them.
Yao and Ilyukhina had come to terms with it. They’d made peace.
They had time to make peace. They knew what they were signing up for.
Grace didn’t have a choice. She made the choice for him.
She shook her head.
She couldn’t afford to let her feelings distract her. This was the only choice. There was no one else.
Grace would understand that.
He had to.
She sighed deeply, her chest full of the sadness she had unsuccessfully been pushing down.
She was startled from her thoughts when the walkie on her desk started crackling.
“Subject has been secured. Repeat, subject has been secured,” Carl’s voice filtered over, effectively causing her heart to splinter.
That was it then.
Dr. Ryland Grace was going to space.
She hated it. She hated all of it.
She cleared her throat before bringing the walkie to her mouth.
“He’s not a subject, Carl. He’s our friend.”
There was silence for a moment before Carl replied.
“Sorry, Dr. Stratt. Dr. Grace has been secured.”
She abruptly stood up from her desk and walked back over to the window, as if he was somehow subdued in her field of view. He wasn’t.
“Where is he right now?”
“He’s in a comatose state, like you ordered. They’re bringing over the gurney and then he’s being loaded onto the Hail Mary.”
She wanted to move. She willed herself to move, to see him one more time before he was gone.
She didn’t want him to be gone.
It wasn’t fair.
But her feet refused to move.
Her breath shuddered when she realized why.
Fear.
“We’re heading to the ship, Dr. Stratt,” Carl updated. Yet, she still didn’t move.
The fear was keeping her from saying goodbye.
Her grip tightened on the walkie as her heart rate sped up.
On the outside, she still appeared put together. Stoic, like always.
It was cracking. She knew it was a lie.
She didn’t want to be in charge anymore. She didn’t want to make this choice.
It was easier to send the others up. She knew why and didn’t want to admit it.
She got attached.
Now, she was suffering the consequences.
“Dr. Stratt, are you going to see him off?” Carl asked, his voice different. It was missing its usual stern inflection.
Now, he spoke gently. He spoke with grief.
There was no judgement, only an invitation.
‘Say goodbye before he’s gone. You’ll regret it if you don’t.’
“Don’t load him before I get there, Carl,” She said, her voice wavering only slightly.
Carl heard it. She knew he heard it. He didn’t say anything about it. She knew why, too.
“Yes, Dr. Stratt.”
She turned and walked briskly out of her office, keeping her composure as long as she could.
___________
People started following behind her as she made her way out the building, flocking around her with their never ending questions.
“What are we supposed to do about the explosion?”
“Do we have a replacement for DuBois?”
“Is the launch still on schedule?”
“Are Yao and Ilyukhina still prepared?”
“Where is Dr. Grace?”
She didn’t answer any of them. She just kept walking.
She thought about how Dr. Grace would often answer these questions for her. He would field the unimportant questions away from her so she could focus on what she needed to.
She sighed, thinking about his self-perceived cowardice. He did more than he realized. He was about to do so much more.
The Hail Mary came into view, and most of the scientists and bureaucrats behind her walked off when they realized she wasn’t answering.
She sighed, making her way to the launchpad.
“Where are you, Carl?” She spoke into her walkie, the few people still following her now confused.
“On our way, Dr. Stratt. We’ll meet you at the launch tower.”
She continued onward. One scientist followed her a few more feet before asking one last question.
“Dr. Stratt, what’s going on?”
She paused, keeping her back to the scientist. The wind blew through her hair as she looked up at the Hail Mary.
The sounds of yelling and wheels clanking grabbed her attention. She looked over and saw a mechanical gurney surrounded by people, one of them Carl. A tuft of dirty blond hair peeked past the blanket the gurney was filled with and she realized what she was looking at.
They could wait. They would wait. She had to see him one last time.
She rolled her shoulders back, keeping her posture tight and rigid as she walked off, not answering the scientist.
No one followed her this time.
She kept her eyes trained on the gurney, making her way over.
Her heels clacked in her ears, but not loud enough to drown out the beating of her heart. The closer she came to him, the more the fear drowned her.
“Stop,” She called out.
She wasn’t loud enough.
“Stop,” She tried again, a little louder, trying to get their attention.
They were frenzied, trying to get Grace on the ship before anything else happened. He was their backup plan. It made sense.
Too bad she wasn’t in the mood to be logical.
“Stop moving him! That’s an order!” She didn’t know where the shout came from. She never shouted. She didn’t need to.
She just needed them to listen. If they were to usurp her position tomorrow, so be it. Today, they would listen.
Carl didn’t look shocked. He was the only one who didn’t. The four others with the cart were talking over each other, needing to know why they had been stopped, if there was a change of plans, or whatever, she stopped listening, to which they were answered by Carl shooing them away.
“Give us five minutes, okay? Go. Go,” Carl ushered them off, waving his arms. “Don’t question Dr. Stratt. The plan isn’t changing. Go.”
Understanding flickered over their faces as they slowly walked off, polite enough to be out of earshot.
She kept her eyes on Dr. Grace as she moved closer, Carl the only one still standing nearby.
She pushed the blanket back, revealing closed eyes and an oxygen mask snugly placed over his mouth.
Her throat constricted at the sight, her eyes beginning to water.
She adjusted the blanket so that his shoulders were covered, delicately tucking it against his sides, as if he would break.
“He gets cold,” She whispered. “That's why he’s always wearing a cardigan.”
Carl didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. There was nothing to say that would make any of this okay.
Tears started flowing slowly down her cheeks. Her composure was finally cracking after her attempts to stay strong.
She didn’t want to be strong anymore.
“Do you have his glasses?” She asked, her voice wavering ever so slightly.
Carl nodded, pulling Grace’s glasses from his jacket pocket. “I’ll have someone search for a case and a spare when we pack his things.”
She nodded, the wind cold on her wet cheeks.
“Did you know he called himself a coward?”
Carl chuckled, his voice sounding wet. She didn’t look at him to confirm her suspicions. It was only fair. He didn’t look at her. He didn’t judge her. She could extend the same courtesy.
“Yeah. I don’t know why. I told him he’ll do great up there.”
“I don’t think he believes it.”
Carl sniffled. “Yeah, well, we do. I think that’ll be enough.”
The corners of her mouth twitched up for a second before falling back down. She pushed the blanket aside to reveal his torso and arms. His chest was rising and falling rhythmically and his arms were relaxed, each resting over his stomach. One hand had an IV needle taped through the back of it.
Her breath hitched at the sight of it.
She hesitantly reached forward and grabbed his hand, squeezing slightly.
He didn’t squeeze back.
“You did what you had to do,” Carl reassured her.
“I know,” She whispered. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“None of us like it. None of us want this to happen. But for us to have a chance, it has to.”
“I know,” She nodded.
She did know. That was why they were going through this.
That was why she was losing her closest companion.
“I know,” She whispered once more to herself, trying to collect herself.
Grace was the only chance they had. This was bigger than him. It was bigger than them.
She just didn’t know when she gained the right to decide that.
She looked at his face. He was more relaxed than she had ever seen him. She studied his features. His messy, dirty blonde hair. The smile lines around his eyes. The point of his nose. His stubble. His thin lips. His round jawline.
She didn’t want to forget him.
She closed her eyes and tried to picture his own. The crystal blue of his irises. The ocean that ran deep within them.
Only when she was sure she wasn’t going to forget did she open her eyes, her eyelashes wet with tears.
She leaned forward, her lips inches from his ear.
“You’re going to be amazing up there, Ryland,” She whispered so only he could hear. He needed to know this, even if he wasn’t awake to hear it. “You’re one of the bravest people I have ever met. I believe you can save the Earth. You just have to believe in yourself.”
She leaned back, taking her free hand to brush his hair away from his forehead. His hair was softer than she thought it would be. From the looks of it, she would’ve guessed he didn’t brush it very often, but she would’ve been wrong.
It felt nice.
She leaned forward once more, pressing her lips against his forehead. Her tears fell freely now, some landing on his skin.
She didn’t care.
It didn’t matter.
At that moment, Dr. Ryland Grace was the only thing that mattered.
She stayed there for a few seconds longer, leaving all the things she had left unsaid in her kiss. As she pulled away, she squeezed his hand tighter.
He still didn’t squeeze back.
Splitting her heart entirely in half, she let go of his hand, placing it back against his stomach, making sure it was exactly how she left it. She pulled the blanket back up, making sure his arms and torso were completely covered.
She wiped away the tears that landed on his forehead and pulled his hair back down, the way he always had it styled.
His hair blew in the wind as she backed up. No other part of him moved.
It just wasn’t right.
Dr. Ryland Grace was so full of life. He had so much more left to give. He had students to teach, a dog to adopt, more scientists to irritate.
He had her.
Well, in another life, maybe.
“Dr. Stratt?” Carl asked, his voice sounding strained.
She cleared her throat, remembering where she was. She wiped the tears off her cheeks and turned towards him once she deemed herself presentable.
Carl had tears building in his own eyes, but he was doing a better job at pretending they weren’t. She could see his lips set in a thin line, keeping his emotions at bay.
“Go ahead, Carl,” She didn’t sound any better than he did.
Carl nodded, gesturing for the others they sent away to come back and keep moving Grace to the ship.
She met his eyes once more, an unspoken understanding between them.
No judgement. No pity.
Just the shared feeling of losing someone they care about.
She stood there as Carl started to wheel Grace away. She kept her eyes on Grace’s face as long as she could.
She didn’t dare bring herself to walk with them. She might’ve called the whole thing off if she did.
Carl and the others wheeled Grace into the elevator at the bottom of the launch tower. She watched until he was out of her line of sight. The elevator doors closed and he went up, away from her.
For good.
She stayed, rooted to where she was standing for a moment longer than necessary, before forcing herself to walk away, keeping some semblance of the Dr. Stratt they all knew her to be. She couldn’t let herself fall apart over losing the person she was closest to.
They’d never survive if she did that.
She walked back the way she came and noticed the scientists and bureaucrats that were bothering her were gone.
She couldn’t help thinking, cynically, that they got the answers they were looking for.
One again, she kept her posture straight and her shoulders rolled back. If her eyes were red-rimmed, that wasn’t of any concern to her.
She had to focus on believing that she made the right choice, especially because it was her only choice.
She had to focus on Grace’s bravery that she knew was there, even if he wanted to call himself a coward.
She sighed and slowed her pace, falling back into her stoic persona as best she could.
Dr. Ryland Grace would be a hero. Dr. Eva Stratt got him onto the Hail Mary.
It would have to be enough for both of them.
She walked back to her office and shut her door, not coming out for a long time.