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When Illuga woke up, the first thing he realized was how warm he was. Not just the warmth that even multiple blankets could provide, but something more comparable to being next to someone. Shifting his legs, only to feel there was another pair beneath him. His head was flat on something that was not a pillow, but also not on any moving object, like a chest that wasn't breathing in a way based on how solid it was.
Illuga tried to remember anything that had happened last, but almost nothing distinct came to mind. Only a foggy memory of holding Flins in his arms. Illuga's eyes shot open trying to glance around at the surroundings, but it was way too dark to see much at all. A faint light emitting from behind the shades of a window, but only light enough to make him believe it was possible the sun setting.
Illuga looked down, and could only see the faint outline and hair which could only ever be Flins, especially since Illuga knew the last location he was at was the lighthouse. Memories began to flood back and immediately filled him with panic. The way Flins was completely limp in his arms, the gurgling and retching - and blood leaking from his mouth, the sound of ribs cracking and the adrenaline coursing through his veins while quickly carrying Flins back inside.
Eyes shot as wide open as possible and he lifted himself up from Flins’ torso realizing there was yet again, no breathing beneath him. Illuga immediately untangled his legs and threw himself to the edge of the bed to try to get any closer look at Flins. Finding a box of matches and lighting the closest candle, shining it towards Flins to see any more details. Illuga verified that Flins’ chest was not rising and falling, Illuga brought his shaking hand to feel for a pulse. Once again, pure terror and panic went straight to his head and started hyperventilating. Illuga set the candle on a table, or whatever the nearest surface was, and shifted himself to position himself over Flins’ legs, gripped his shoulders and started shaking him to see if he would wake up or respond at all. No reaction. Tears welled in his eyes, memories of the previous night occupied his entire mind and all logical thoughts went right out the window.
“Flins?” Illuga’s voice was shaking.
“...” Not a single response came back. Not even any sign or possible breathing.
“Flins? Flins, please? Flins! FLINS!”
A pair of piercing yellow eyes shot open, realizing something was grabbing his upper body and shaking him violently - and a loud voice, shaking and voice breaking, shouting his name. Flins’ eyes cleared and focused on the sight above him, Illuga looked frantic while visibly hyperventilating with tears falling down his cheeks. Flins didn't bother responding but rather lifted his arms up and grabbed Illuga’s back, properly dragging him down to lay back on his chest.
“I’m here, Young Master. I'm here and alive, I am okay. You're safe beneath my arms, nothing will hurt you here.” Flins murmured.
A shaky exhale, “Why aren't you breathing? Where's your pulse? I was so fucking scared, I’ve never ran out of a bed that fast, even when dealing with the Wild Hunt. You have no clue how much you worried me again!”
“I’m sorry, I truly am. I don't know how I could ever possibly repay you. I’ve done nothing but hurt you, nothing but damage our relationship further than I could ever possibly imagine. If you choose to ignore me from this day on, never talk to me, or whatever you desire, I would respect any decision you make.”
“Please, please don't assume I want to leave you. Regardless of what has transpired between the two of us, I’m too scared to lose you, especially after all of this.”
“...”
“...”
“I understand, Young Master Illuga.”
“Flins, please drop the title - just Illuga - and can you please just explain something to me.”
Flins cast a fleeting expression towards Illuga. A slight downward pull of his lips and eyebrows furrowing.
“Why the hell - genuinely - why were you not breathing and why was there no pulse. I was so terrified when I woke up, thinking I had genuinely lost you this time!”
“I-” Flins cut himself off with a sharp inhale.”
“You what?”
“I don't need to breathe nor do I need a genuine pulse. The two of these I have simply taught myself to force acting out when I am around other people. I typically don't even rest in a bed, if you could tell by the state of this bedroom. Most of the time when I want to rest or need to heal from any particular bad injuries I receive on patrol while fighting, I remain in my lantern.”
“What?”
Flins didn't respond, simply remaining laying down before pushing Illuga back up to a sitting position, oblivious to how Illuga was practically straddling him.
“So you don't need to do any of that? Anything at all? What about when I found you outside? I don't even know how to process all of this…” Illuga’s eyes shifted downwards to look directly at Flins, stunned by the new knowledge.
“Correct, Illuga. None of that is necessary to me - however last night was much different, but if you desire for me to continue my breathing and carrying a pulse, please do let me know. The last thing I ever want to cause is more worry for you. I feel nothing but intense regret and guilt from putting you in these two situations.”
“Please…” Illuga trailed off and quickly shut his eyes upon feeling the prick of tears forming, not wanting to show outwardly again how upset he was.
Flins only quirked an eyebrow upwards, eyes widening waiting for the rest of Illuga’s statement.
“Please continue to do those, I’m so worried. So worried about anything else happening again. I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life anymore.”
“Of course, Young Master-”
“Illuga.”
“Of course, Illuga. I'd do anything for you. Anything you want, anything you ask of me, I would answer without hesitation.”
Illuga finally felt tears falling down his face again, ashamed of the sight - pulled him his sleeves and hid his face. A hiccup and shudder couldn't hide from him, embarrassing him even further.
“I’m sorry. I don't even know how to start apologizing for any of this Illuga, I can't even think of a way-”
Illuga shuffled away from Flins, realizing he was still sitting on his lap made him feel even worse. Wordlessly standing up from the bed, leaving the candle he had lit earlier and walking out of the room. He shut the door most of the way, but still left a crack open. He turned down the hall to sit at the table, not using his regular seat but instead deciding to sit in Flins’ chair instead. Still, without any indication of what time it truly was, Illuga stood and pushed open the door to try to get even an estimate. The fog hovering over the island proved to be everything but helpful, so he closed the door and started walking up the stairs to get to the balcony, purposely keeping his steps as quiet as possible. Illuga walked out onto the balcony, gaze roaming towards the faint sight of parts of Paha Isle that were visible. It was clear that the sun was rising now, reminding him of how long he had been away from Piramida. The thought of how he completely dropped his shifts for patrol made him frustrated, even more so than the fact he left all his fellow colleagues behind. The cool wind blew across him, pushing and pulling his hair and making him aware that he most definitely looked like a complete mess. The sound of the sea was comforting at the very least, calming in a way. He stepped back inside and began to walk back down the stairs towards the main room, and sat back down. Looking around, Illuga realized Flins had not yet come out of his room, simultaneously making his heart ache - while also making him bubble up with some kind of frustration.
Yes, Illuga was deeply hurt and upset - but at the same time incredibly glad that he made it here to the island even though the situation was horrifying. Illuga sighed and gripped his hair tightly. Illuga reached over to grab his lantern and set it gently on the table. Looking around for a blank piece of paper and any sort of writing utensil, grabbing what he needed - to start writing a vague letter to be sent to Nikita about why he was still here, and the careless upsetting realization that he would remain here for at least another day. Wanting to add an in-depth apology for forfeiting his duties and will immediately make it all up as soon as he returned.
-
To Nikita,
As I am sure you have heard, my frantic departure to the Final Night Cemetery was something I did quite senselessly in the heat of the moment. Something awful happened here, but it has all been taken care of. Flins and I are both okay, and we do not require anyone to be sent out for our wellbeing.
I will most-likely be absent for the rest of today and tomorrow, just to keep watch and verify all is well and will continue to remain so. Supplies and rations here are available, so I am in no way concerned about anything further going wrong while I spend the duration of my time here.
I profusely apologize for the fact I had immediately forgotten and dropped my patrols and check-ins before I had left hastily, I will make everything up as soon as possible when I am finally back at Piramida. I will finish all my - and any extra - reports, and station myself for double the amount of regular patrols I usually do within my time.
I will also make amends and give apologies to my fellow ratniki that I unfortunately, in a way, ran away from without thinking.
I do sincerely hope you can understand my apologies and my promises for what I will act on as soon as I am back.
Please do not hesitate in the slightest to question me when I return, I will be completely honest, and quite honestly would deserve a “talking-to” if you do wish to do so.
Illuga
-
Illuga puts the quill down, upset by his own response but he isn't in quite the right mind to change or add anything. Last minute Illuga decides to add something to the end.
-
Illuga, and Flins
-
Illuga only feels it is right to include Flins in this letter, considering he is currently with Flins and staying temporarily at the lighthouse. Shuffling his lantern towards him, he sighs and whispers, “Aedon” and holds the letter up. Aedon chirps a few times before gripping Illuga’s letter. Illuga hasn't sent Aedon so far out before and is completely unsure if this will work but he has to try. “Bring this to Piramida, try to find Nikita.” Aedon grabs the letter and flies towards the door, as soon as Illuga opens the door, Aedon flies out and shuts it.
Illuga quietly looks around, as if he had never been inside the lighthouse before. It looks like the epitome of depressing, but maybe at some point he could fix that later. Dragging his hands down his face, feeling his eyebags and the tear tracks down his face that he never properly wiped off - turns to check on Flins first before trying to fix himself. Now that the sun is properly up, the lighthouse's main room has become a bit brighter. He still decides to grab a larger candle and light it again, while heading towards the room that Flins was still in. Illuga briefly stopped and remembered that he hadn't heard any footsteps or any movement at all - which concerned him, but also felt relief.
Stepping into the bedroom, immediately turning to open the blinds and set the candle down on the nightstand that also held the other small candle for before. Whipped around towards the bed, mouth open to talk to Flins about everything that had transpired. There was no sight of Flins. Flins was not in the bed, or anywhere in the room. Illuga stops, a lump forming in his throat. Walks stiffly out of the room to check the other rooms, and the balcony to see if the other man had stepped out. There was absolutely no sign at all. Panicking, Illuga flew down the stairs loud and at one point tripping, dropping straight onto his knees and smashing his head into the cool metal. He groaned.
“This can not be real.” Tears welling up again, “I just need to find him, but yet I can't even do a single thing right. I don't even want to sit up. What if I just continue to lay spread out onto these stairs. I look stupid and most definitely feel it too. My head hurts now, it hurts so bad…” Dropping the rest of his body limp without care onto the downward steps of the stairs, creating a huge reverberated thumping noise, accompanied by the creaks and groans of old metal. Talking to himself - not realizing how loud he actually was, internally forgetting his search for Flins, “I’m such a fucking idiot. I did nothing but freak out and be helpless when I found him. I asked him stupid questions before I fell asleep. I panicked and freaked out again this morning after I woke up. I walked away from him out of the room without saying a single thing. I wrote an idiotic letter to Pops without properly thinking. Now I’ve tripped myself while running down a flight of stairs. I’ve been nothing but pathetic for the last day. I left everyone behind, I couldn't help Flins properly. Would it be a shame if I just let myself lay here? But I would feel awful if Flins was out somewhere hurt again and it would all be my fault again, because I can't do a single fucking thing right!”
His ears started ringing and feet started feeling numb from lying down where he fell on the stairs. Not only did his head hurt from the fall, but his vision started getting fuzzy around the sides from the pain. He let the tears fall from his eyes, not caring that he was getting himself wet. Not caring he probably looked horrible, smelt horrible, and was acting like an idiot. Illuga let himself just lay there, waiting for his headache to subside. He closed his eyes just wishing for the pain to stop, and wishing to forget just how stupid he is. Before he could even try to think about anything more that happened recently, he fell asleep down the stairs.
Flins stepped out from his lantern quite quickly after hearing a large metal banging sound and yelling - only hearing small bits consisting of “idiot, helpless, stupid, panicked, idotic, shame” and other words laced with his own name, unsure of what caused it or where it was. He shifted his eyes and saw the blinds were now open and there was another lit candle. Slowly realizing that Illuga had definitely come back into the bedroom for whatever reason, but didn't see the lantern sitting off to the side of the bed. Flins internally cringed and felt guilty knowing he had caused Illuga even more trouble after everything he had already done to the shorter man. Stepping out and walking towards the kitchen, Illuga’s lantern was on the desk with a quill set next to it. Flins opened the door to check if something had fallen onto the steps from above, but there was nothing out of place in the slightest. Genuinely quite confused as to what the sound was, he stepped outside to search the other areas around the outside. There was nothing. The feelings of guilt began to rise again, even though knowing he didn't have any different emotion set on his face. Flins turned back inside and checked the bathroom, yet again, everything was exactly the same it has always been. Feeling a little more anxious now, he walked down the steps towards the small room mostly containing books and other similar items. Even though there were minimal metal objects or surfaces here, coming down and seeing no changes made his chest feel tight. Walking back towards the kitchen with a slightly faster pace and double checking everything around. It suddenly hit him right in the face, he hasn't seen Illuga once. Could it have been Illuga slamming the door and leaving? That was impossible since his lantern was still left behind, and knowing Illuga, there was not a single situation in which he wouldn't take his lantern with him back outside. It slowly dawned that he hadn't checked the balcony yet. Flins felt completely idiotic.
Walking faster than before and going up the stairs, halted and came to a stop when he saw a situation he couldn't quite comprehend. Illuga was spread out and bent on the stairs, legs crooked behind him and head turned sideways. Quietly Flins shuffled closer to investigate and inhaled when he saw a good portion of blood down the stairs, following back up to Illuga’s head. Flins knew of course that head wounds tended to bleed significantly more than they should, making situations seem much more dramatic. However, this did not stop Flins from shooting his arms out to flip and turn Illuga and pull him onto his lap. He was unconscious, breathing, but still unconscious. There was blood originating from the left side of his head, quite a lot of dried blood from his nose. Gears churning in his head, quickly connected the sounds he heard - was Illuga himself. That Illuga was yelling those hurtful words at himself. The lump that Flins felt in his throat made him unable to speak and just left him staring at the sight below. Flins knew Illuga was still breathing, and felt he still had a completely normal pulse - which made himself somehow feel a tiny bit relieved. This time now, it was Flins to pick up Illuga and make his way down the stairs, reminding himself to clean off the blood from the stairs later.
Now it was Flins that laid Illuga down in the bed, pulling away the blanket after feeling how hot Illuga was. Calm - but quickly - Flins got to the kitchen and returned with a wet rag and a glass of water. Flins made quick work of cleaning Illuga’s nose, and then checking his head to check how bad the wound was. Sighing from relief, it was nothing more than a wide scratch. Flins tried his best to clean it, frowning when it was stuck in his hair. Illuga was quite sweaty, his shirt practically clung to his body, but his pants seemed… Okay? Flins moved to his closest again to grab more clothes, grunting after realizing these clothes would be quite large on Illuga. Flins closed his eyes and frowned seeing, there was not a single pair of underwear he could see.
“Oh well, that will be a problem for later.” Flins whispered.
Flins turned towards the bed to stare at Illuga’s sleeping face, which made Flins smile with how beautiful the other man was, while contemplating if he should change Illuga now or… After Illuga bathed. The thought was quickly cut short when Illuga’s eyes shot open to the direct sight of Flins staring directly at him, and screamed. Quite loud, loud enough that Flins’ eyes opened wider while it happened.
“Oh my Archons I’m so sorry!” Illuga moaned.
“It's quite okay. I too, would also be quite startled if this happened to me.” Flins smiled.
Illuga looked away and mumbled, “Did you… See me on the stairs? Did I walk to the bed?”
“I heard a loud metal thump and you practically yelling at yourself.”
“...”
“I… Did not quite particularly enjoy hearing you talk about yourself like that, Young Master. I had never considered you to be the person you are displeased by the most. It is comparably much different than the other times I have heard you speak negatively about yourself.”
Illuga closed his eyes the second time after falling, yet again, tears forming in his eyes. He had cried too many times in less than 24 hours, he felt incredibly shameful and embarrassed. Flins reached his hand out and brushed his thumb underneath Illuga’s eyes where the tears started to slip out.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”
“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I feel as though I was the person who has caused you this level of immense distress and I myself feel ashamed.”
“It's mostly my fault…”
Flins pulled his hand back and cupped Illuga’s cheek in an attempt to have him look back. Illuga opened his eyes, unintentionally leaning into the warmth of the fingers around his face. Flins retracted his hands, pulling Illuga close. Flins had to lean over to be at eye level with Illuga, and even though it hurt his back, he would never complain. One of Flins’ hands rested at the back of Illuga’s head, guiding the other to touch their foreheads together. Nothing was said between the two men, just staring into each other's eyes.
Eventually Illuga pulled away and dropped his hands uselessly onto his own legs. Eyes cast downwards, no longer to look at Flins, knowing the other would see his flushed face - and think that either something was wrong, or think something possibly inappropriate was occurring.
“I’m sweaty…”
“Yes Young Master, I can see so. I also cleaned your head but there is… There is still dried blood remaining in your hair.”
Illuga looked up with a pout, completely forgetting the pink dusting his face. “Can I please wash it out?”
“Of course.”
“Do you have…”
“Yes I did select clothing for you. Although-” Flins clears his throat, “It will definitely be large on you. The other issue is, I unfortunately could not find any underwear for you. However, while you bathe I could most certainly wash yours if you would so desire.”
Illuga’s mouth hangs open. He closes it and opens it a few times, unable to speak properly. He can most definitely feel his cheeks heating up, no longer caring that the other man would see it clearly.
Flins simply smiles, not his usual polite smile, but the one where the edges of his eyes crinkle up.
“Ah… Um… I would prefer to wash my own myself, if that's alright?” Illuga stammered.
“Yes, I understand. In that case I will draw you a bath and fold up the clothing I have for you to wear, so you can change afterwards, and I will grab a towel for you as well.”
Flins goes to stand up, but Illuga quickly reaches out and grabs his sleeve, successfully stopping Flins from walking away. Illuga stands up, and wraps his arms around the other, gripping him like he would disappear and would never see him again. Flins tenses up but relaxes and wraps his arms back, and folds up a bit to rest his head on Illuga.
Just after Illuga starts to let go, he looks back up towards Flins and opens his mouth again, only to close it.
Flins raises his eyebrows, “Is something the matter? Are you feeling alright?”
“...”
“Do you not want me to set a bath anymore?”
Illuga turns his head and looks away, flushing yet again. “You are… Also quite dirty from being on the ground last night…”
Flins rotates to stare straight at Illuga. “What are you trying to imply, Young Master Illuga?”
“Sir Flins…” Illuga groans and looks down again, frowning. “You know what, nevermind.” Illuga kicks his foot on the ground for no particular reason, still forcing himself to look anywhere but Flins’ eyes.
“Ah, are you sure? I feel like your intent here is not quite well hidden.”
Flins’ tone of voice obviously carries a hint of smugness, but Illuga chooses to not acknowledge it and most definitely not turn back to Flins. That apparently did not matter, as Flins grabbed Illuga’s head to look back at his face. Illuga had a dark flush spreading from his cheeks towards his ears, pupils almost blown and a pout on his face.
Illuga whispers as if no one else could hear them, even though they are completely secluded. “If you wish to join me in the bath so we don't have to waste time separately… I wouldn't mind.”
“Ah! So I was right indeed!”
“...”
Flins grabs Illuga’s hand and drags him out of the bedroom towards the bathroom, extra clothes still gripped tightly in his left hand. Flins neatly sets the clothing down and leans down to start the bath. Looking back at Illuga standing in the corner.
“I… I wanted to say I’m sorry, again. It was never my intent for you to find me on the stairs like that. I never wanted you to overhear the words that I said to myself either.” Illuga grips his own shirt for some sort of comfort.
Flins turns away from the tub and walks in front of Illuga. “Please don't apologize. It should be me apologizing to you instead. Everything I have put you through the last day has been incredibly cruel.” Flins reaches out to grab one of Illuga’s hands. “I have never in my life, which has been quite long now, felt this level of guilt and shame towards myself. Especially so when the person is… One that I wish was more than just a friend, even worse not knowing if they reciprocate or not.”
Illuga looks up quickly at Flins, whose hand is clasped tightly against his own. “It was scary. I was terrified, but-”
“I'm sorry.” Flins suddenly crouches down to be an even height with Illuga. “I will never forgive myself, and I will do whatever is-”
Flins is cut off immediately and his body is slammed into Illuga. Illuga is resting his head on Flins’ torso, grasping the bottom edge of his shirt so tightly his knuckles go white. Flins reaches his arms out and pulls Illuga into him as tightly as possible. Somewhere in the distance Flins can hear the tub running, but has no interest in it other than holding Illuga as tightly as he can.