Work Text:
I shove my hair behind my ears again, only for it to flop back into my eyes. I haven’t cut my hair since tidying up the “interesting” haircut the nannybot had given me when I’d woken up. With both Erid and Earth in mortal peril maintaining my haircut hadn’t been a priority. But after almost 6 months into the trip to Erid, it was around jaw length and starting to get in the way.
I groan in frustration, there’s no way I’ll be able to concentrate on researching Taumeoba evolution if I have hair constantly falling in my face. I either need to remember where I put the clippers, or find some way to tie it back in the meantime.
I remember Ilyukhina had long hair. She always wore it in a ponytail, in a couple of the planning meetings for the Hail Mary she had turned her head too fast and smacked me with it, she always apologized of course but I never minded. I was sending her and the rest of the Hail Mary crew to die, I had always thought I should be the one apologizing. I’m getting off track, if Olesya liked to wear her hair up there’s probably hair ties in her personal supplies.
I make my way down to the dormitory, Rocky is at his workbench tinkering away at something. I open the hatch to the storage room and start digging through the various duffles of supplies and clothing until I reach one labeled “Олеся Илюхина”. I unzip the bag and sure enough, right on top there’s a small mesh bag labeled, “hair”
I pull out a navy scrunchy and take a closer look at the pattern. Is that, the Hail Mary mission emblem? Did Eva Stratt really have Hail Mary scrunchies specially made just for the mission? And exclusively for the one crew member who had long hair? I almost want to laugh, it just feels so unlike her, spending time and resources on something so trivial, but, deep down she had always cared about the crew. Oleasya would have loved these, would have found their specificity hilarious. My vision blurs, am I crying?
Ever since I woke up I’ve been purposely pushing any memories of Ilyukhina and Yao down, there was too much going on, too much at stake, I didn’t have time to grieve. The second I let my walls down the memories come rushing back, Olesya and Dimitri getting into a fight over the best kind of vodka, Yao’s love of card games and rock music, Dubois and Shapiro sharing a bottle of wine at the launch party and trying to not let Stratt catch them flirting with each other.
“Grace leak. Upset question?”
I glance over to see Rocky has set down the project he was working on and is now “staring” at me. I try to wipe away my tears with my hands, it’s not very effective, “I just saw something that reminded me of my old crewmates.”
Rocky hums a sad low note and places his hand on the barrier, I place mine on the same spot on my side. “Understand” he hums in a lower octave than usual.
Of course he does, Rocky lost 22 crewmates and was alone for 46 years! He watched his crew die from a cause he couldn’t possibly understand. I should be the one comforting him, not the other way around.
“Talk about crew, question?”
I haven’t told Rocky anything about the crew of the Hail Mary besides the fact that there used to be two others, “Their names were Yao Li-Jie,our commander, and Olesya Ilyukhina, the engineer.”
“Fix things like Rocky, question?”
“Yeah,” I give a half smile, “I think you two would have gotten along really well actually, you have similar senses of humor, and enthusiasm.” I can’t remember a time when Olesya wasn’t smiling, it seemed like not even the end of the world could dull her mood. “She would have wanted to talk to you constantly, honestly if she had met you I’m not sure either of us would have been able to get a sentence in the conversation.”
“And your leader?”
“Commander Yao,” He was always so serious, it felt strange to call him by his first name, even if we had known each other well. He’d always referred to me as Dr. Grace, no matter how many times I told him titles weren’t necessary. “He was a stong leader, confident and decisive, yet always willing to listen to other’s inputs. He knew he carried the fate of humanity on his shoulders, and he took that responsibility very seriously. But he also had a softer side, he loved to make bad puns during team meetings and watch the rest of us groan.”
“There were other scientists too, Martin Dubois and Annie Shapiro. They were the smartest people I’ve ever met. They both died in an accident on Earth a few days before the launch." I'm crying again, hot tears streaming down my face and burning my cheeks.
They were all such vibrant brave people, people who were willing to give up their lives to save humanity. What would they think of me now? The sole survivor of the mission being a coward who was too afraid of dying to do what he knew was right?.
I try to speak but the words catch in my throat as I let out a series of creaking sobs instead. I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t deserve to be the one who survived. I don’t know how to tell Rocky all of that, instead I manage to choke out “I miss my crew”
“Understand. Emotional sickness, same thing happen to me when crew die,”
But it’s not the same, because Rocky isn’t a coward and a failure, Rocky watched 22 crew members die and still successfully made it to the Tau Ceti system despite having a flight plan that didn’t account for relativity, and then spent 46 years trying to find an answer to the astrophage problem even though he wasn’t a scientist and didn’t know where to start. I’m just a glorified prisoner.
“They all cared so much about earth, they were completely committed to the mission, they were the bravest people I’ve ever met, they were willing to give up everything to save earth from astrophage."
“Grace brave too”
“No! I’m a coward!” something in me breaks and the words spill out, “ I didn’t go on the mission willingly.” I can’t keep lying to him, can’t keep living with stolen valor that I don’t deserve, “I refused to go on the mission, they had to drug me so I wouldn’t run away! I am a coward! 8 billion humans were depending on me and I said no because I was too scared to die! It should have been me, I should’ve died in that coma!” The words burn as they leave my throat.
Rocky for once, is completely still.
There’s no going back now, he knows. He knows who I really am. I’m sure it’s a lot to take in. It hurts, knowing that he won’t ever see me the same as he did before. He’s probably re-evaluating our entire friendship, can’t say I blame him. I just stare at the floor, waiting for him to say something, like a convict waiting for his sentence.
Finally he speaks, “Grace not a coward.”
“How can you say that?” I look up at him through tear filled eyes.
“You say crew wanted to solve astrophage problem, question? Grace crew would be happy. You fix astrophage, save earth and Erid.”
“But I was still selfish,”
“You are scientist, question?”
I’m so confused by his question I stop crying for a moment. Why would he ask that. Of course he knows, “Yes?”
“Scientist use evidence to create theory. When scientist have new evidence, change theory to match evidence, correct question?”
“Yes” I say again, where is he going with this?
“Grace have theory that Grace is coward. This theory based on old evidence."He's pacing again, like he always does when he’s thinking, “I have new theory, Grace is brave. You damage self to put me back in airlock. You risk self again to save me when Taumeoba eat fuel. Evidence show you are good human, brave human. Past does not matter.”
I can’t respond, I try to take a deep breath but it just turns into another hiccouping sob. I press my forehead to the barrier and just cry, still clutching Ilyukhina’s scrunchie.
I don’t know how long I stay there, kneeling on the floor sobbing. Rocky doesn’t say anything, at some point he starts humming. I can't make out any actual words, maybe he’s singing? Regardless he doesn’t move his hand, keeps it pressed against mine through the centimeter of xenonite that separates us.
I cry until I can’t anymore. Until my chest aches and my eyes burn, unable to produce any more tears, my limbs feel heavy with exhaustion. I wipe my face with my sleeve staining the fabric with a mixture of tears and snot, I must look disgusting right now. Rocky is right, I really am a leaky space blob. “Do you ever feel upset that you’re the only one of your crew who survived, like someone else deserved to live more or would have done a better job?”
“Yes.” Rock says quieter than usual,
“How do you deal with it?” my voice shakes with uncertainty.
“It is my job to remember crew, tell stories, make sure they are not forgotten. Maybe you can do same for your crew,”
I glance down at the scrunchie in my hand, one of the few remainders of one of the bravest people on earth, “Yeah, maybe I can,”