Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“My God, dada! Please kumalma ka,” ani ni Sunoo nang maramdaman ang tuloy-tuloy na tapik ng paa ng dada niya sa sahig. “Tingin sa taas po.” 

Tinuwid ni Wonwoo ang upo at saka sumunod sa utos ng anak. Dahan-dahang naramdaman ni Wonwoo ang dampi ng daliri ni Sunoo sa ilalim ng mata niya, kinakalat ang concealer. 

“Ano ba, dada, ‘wag kang kabahan,” bulong ni Sunoo nang hindi pa rin natitinag ang tuloy-tuloy na tapik ni Wonwoo sa sahig. 

Napabuntong hininga lang si Wonwoo at medyo napanguso. Tinigil ni Wonwoo ang pagkukuyakoy ng paa niya, pero sunod namang pinagdiskitahan ang dulo ng manggas ng grey niyang sweater. Kinalikot ni Wonwoo ang dulo, hinihila at iniikot ang ligaw ng hibla. 

“Ang tagal na rin naman kasi, ‘nak,” sagot ni Wonwoo, nakatingala pa rin sa mukha ni Sunoo. 

Tumigil si Sunoo para tignan ang dada niya. “Eh si papa lang naman ‘yun,” he says. Sunoo steps back and admires his work on Wonwoo’s face. 

“Right? Si papa lang,” Wonwoo parrots. “Si Mingyu lang naman.” 

Sunoo scoffs at his dada. To Sunoo, it was funny seeing his dada like this. Dada Wons, like his papa Min, was always cool and composed; almost never really rattled by anything else. It’s refreshing to see his dada Wonwoo blushing and fidgeting like a teenager who can’t wait to be picked up by his date. 

Sunoo smiles at the silliness unravelling right at his feet. 

“Tsaka, in love na in love sa’yo ‘yun,” ani ni Sunoo saka dinampot ang pulbo sa pouch nito. “Powder lang po kita.” 

Tumango lamang si Wonwoo at hinayaan ang anak na gawin lang ang gusto nito. Sinusundan lang ng mga mata niya ang brush ni Sunoo, pinapakiramdaman ang malambot na hagod ng hibla sa balat. 

“Magugustuhan kaya ni Papa ‘yung suot ko ngayon?” tanong ni Wonwoo bigla, nakatingin sa mata ng anak niya. 

“Jusko, dada!” Natatawang sagot lang ni Sunoo, hindi tumitigil sa pagpupulbos ng ilong ng dada niya. “Dad, magugustuhan niya! Kahit basahan isuot mo, baka tuwang-tuwa pa rin ‘yun no. Saka dad, baka limot mo na.” 

“Ano ‘yun?” 

Tumigil saglit si Sunoo sa pagdampi ng brush nito sa mukha ni Wonwoo. Huminga ang binata nang malalim at umubo nang bahagya. 

“Ehem, ehem. All right, Won good night…I love you,” ani ni Sunoo, nakatapat pa talaga ang dulo ng make-up brush sa biibig niya, binabaan ang timbre ng boses, ginagaya ang Papa Mingyu niya. Mapang-asar ang ngiti ni Sunoo nang matapos sa pinaggagawa saka tumili, sabay wagayway ng brush. 

“Yie! Sobrang sweet! I love you! Wah, kumbaga parang hindi sila naghiwalay?” 

Kahit magkunwari si Wonwoo, hindi niya pa rin talaga mapigilan ang pagngiti nang makita ang saya sa mukha ng anak. Saka sino ba siya para mag-deny, eh kahit naman ayaw niyang aminin, may tama pa rin talaga ‘yung mga paandar ng asawa niya sa kanya. 

“Ikaw talagang bata ka,” komento lang ni Wonwoo, bahagyang inaabot ang tagiliran ng anak para kurutin. “Sumbong kita kay papa na may katawagan ka ulit nung isang gabi ha,” 

“Asuus! Si bawi naman! Kaibigan ko lang ‘yun eh,” biro ni Sunoo sa ama. “Oh, sige na nga po, lips mo na dada, baka paparating na po ‘yung date mo,” asar ni Sunoo. 

Wonwoo only shakes his head, as he juts his lips outward, allowing Sunoo to do his thing. 

The gloss felt sticky and sweet between his lips. 

“You know,” Mingyu said before sipping on his already diluted latte. “I’m really excited to marry you.” 

Wonwoo blinked, then raised one of his eyebrows. He doesn’t speak. Instead, he took his own glass of cold brew, giving it a sip - seemingly uninterested. 

Mingyu smiled - just a small, shy one - as he watched Wonwoo’s face slowly turn pink.

Wonwoo coughed before he settled his glass back on the table. “Bold thing to say for a first date, don’t you think?”  Wonwoo said as he wiped the condensation from his fingers. “Medyo creepy rin, sa totoo lang.” 

Wonwoo thinks that maybe listening to his friends’ whims on getting a boyfriend wasn’t worth it. College was already as stressful as it is; why should he ruin his peace with a boy? And the fact that this boy – Mingyu, is already ticking all of the imaginary list he’s made of all the things he wouldn’t want in a boyfriend, is just making his case stronger. Seems arrogant; seems mayabang; seems too flirty for his own good. 

Except one thing. 

His face. Mingyu has a pretty face — which is NOT part of the list of his DON’T DATE List. Wonwoo thinks it’s a good enough excuse. And the coffee’s good too (who passes up the opportunity for free coffee anyways?), Wonwoo thinks as he pushes the thought in the far end of his brain. 

“Totoo?” 

“Mhm.” 

“I’ll keep my thoughts to myself muna, then,” Mingyu replied, watching Wonwoo’s morph into a small smirk. “Try ko na lang sa next date,” he continued. “And to the dates that’s going to follow.” 

Wonwoo scoffed. “Like we’ll set another date after this.”

They do. Over coffee again. 

And again. 

And again. 

And after countless cups of coffee over shared slices of pastries, Wonwoo realized that, maybe, he’s fallen deeper than he’s ever thought. Other than Mingyu’s face, other parts of him — inside and out — were pretty too.

 “Done na make-up mo, dada,” Sunoo announced as he admired his work. 

Wonwoo turns his head to face the mirror on his son’s dresser. He looks over his face, checking out what Sunoo did. A little blush here, a few concealed dark marks there, just a little bit of lip gloss. 

“Ayos ba?” Sunoo asked as he returned his tools inside his small pouch. 

“Thank you, ‘nak,” ngiti ni Wonwoo sa anak niya. “Galing mo!” 

Wonwoo was about to put on his glasses when his son stopped him. 

“Sus, ako lang ‘to. Maya ka muna magsalamin, dada, picture muna kita. Upo ka lang po diyan.” 

Wonwoo shrugged his shoulders, then sat back down on the stool inside his son’s room. 

Dinampot agad ni Sunoo ang cellphone nitong katabi ng maliit na make-up bag nito saka mabilisang kinuhanan ng litrato ang dada niya. 

“Sobrang monyeka!” komento ni Sunoo sa bawat ngiti ng tatay niya. 

“Anong monyeka?” 

“Basta, dada,” ani ni Sunoo. “Isa pa, da, wacky ah,” malambing na utos ni Sunoo sa ama. 

Wonwoo complies, smooching his lips for the camera. Then, he sets his palms on his cheek, pouting a bit more for his son. Ganun kasi ‘yung nakikita niyang pose ni Sunoo minsan pag nagpapapicture siya. 

“Naks,” ani ni Sunoo. “K-pop idol ang atake! Bagay gloss sa’yo da!” 

“Send mo sa’kin ‘yan bebe, ha,” sabi lamang ni Wonwoo nang matapos siyang mapagdiskitahan ng anak niya. Tumayo ang nakatatanda at hinagod ang damit nitong hindi naman kusot, saka naman hinawi ang buhok nitong hindi naman magulo. 

Habang nakatalikod ang dada niya, sinamantala na ni Sunoo ang pagkakataon para bigyan ng update ang Papa niya. 

Sunoo 

[Photo Attached] 

Ready na 🤏 

 

Papa 

😍😍😍

I love you asawa ko 

 

Sunoo

Pa, pm po ‘to 🙃

 

Papa

Hahaha I love you rin anak ko 💓❤️‍🔥

Pasabi po kay dada na gate na po ako, ayos ko lang park! 

Kiss ko lang kayo ni Seol tas alis na kami ni dada.

Sana makiss din ni dada 😁

 

Sunoo

Oki po 

Hahaha namula tenga niya sabay takbo 😆 

Kalmahan mo lang papa, kabado po yata dada

Yak hingi ng kiss ulit 

 

Papa

Maka yak ka 

Cute ni dada nak

May pinagmanahan ka talaga 

Hala bakit kabado? Ako lang naman to 

 

Sunoo

Totoo po  🤏

Yan din sabi ko pa

Haha baka kasi 1st date niyo po ulit after awhile? 

 

Papa

Hala

Kinabahan din tuloy ako 

[Photo attached] 

Pogi ba??? 

 

Sunoo

Wow nakablazer pa talaga yan sha

Pogi syempre 👍  in love na yan si dada sau niyan 

 

Papa

😍

[Photo Attached] 

Padeliver ka pizza nak

Bili mo na rin ng treats si Seol  

Secret lng natin to 

 

Sunoo

JUSKO PO?? 

Haaha thank you papa, pero ang OA ng 3k ?? 

 

Papa

😙

Anything for our bebe 

Sunduin ko na si darling 

 

Sunoo

Talaga namn 👍

 

Simple lang kung ilalarawan ang tirahan nila.

Sa sala, may TV, may munting sofa - kulay blue, syempre - may cream na carpet sa sahig (ngunit hindi naman kita dahil sa nakalatag ng playmat), at ilang lakad lang, nasa kusina ka na. Tulad ng sala, payak rin ang hitsura nito: may maliit mesa at upuang pang-dalawahan, isang plastic na high chair, at mga appliances lang. 

Tipikal na Sabado lang sa payak na condo unit ng mga Kim sa Makati.  

Naka-switch ang telebisyon - may kung anong patalastas ang nadidinig. Amoy kape rin ang buong condo unit. Abala kasi si Wonwoo na nagtitimpla ng kape para sa kanya at sa asawa niyang si Mingyu, dahil puyat rin naman silang dalawa kaninang madaling araw. Ayaw kasing magpatulog ng nag-iisang anak nilang si Sunoo - mag-iisang taon na. 

Napangiti lang si Wonwoo habang pinagmamasdan ang mag-ama niya. 

Planado naman ni Wonwoo at ni Mingyu ang magpakasal pagtapos nila ng kolehiyo at pagkakuha agad nila ng trabaho. No brainer, ani nga ni Mingyu sa kanya noong nag-propose ang binata pagtapos nilang matanggap ang una nilang mga sweldo – 23 si Mingyu at 24 si Wonwoo. It was an intimate proposal, just the two of them in the same rent-to-own condo unit in Makati where they started their little family. 

“Lab, Min, what the hell? Paano?” nakangiting tanong ni Wonwoo habang nakatingin sa singsing sa daliri niya. “Ang ganda. Pero, hindi ba mahal ‘to, love?” 

Mingyu smiles as he holds Wonwoo’s hands. “Hindi naman masyado, love. Saka, nag-iipon na ko nung naging boyfriend kita eh, kaya ayos lang,” 

“Jusko naman talaga, Kim Mingyu,” Wonwoo says. 

“Sabi ko nga sa’yo dati ‘di ba,” Mingyu replies.

“That you’re excited to marry me,” Wonwoo laughs. 

Mingyu hugged him tight, wrapping his arm around Wonwoo’s waist. 

“Asintado mo, mahal,” Mingyu says. “Papakawalan pa ba kita, eh, alam ko namang ikaw na ‘yung gusto kong makasama hanggang sa pagtanda.” 

Nakatitig sila sa pilak na nakapalibot sa daliri ni Wonwoo. 

“Jusko, napakabolero mo,” mahinang sagot lang ng nakatatanda. 

“Pero papakasalan,” Mingyu laughs as he kisses Wonwoo’s wet cheek. 

Kahit siguro nangangapa pa sa bagong buhay pagtapos ng kolehiyo, napa-oo rin si Wonwoo. Ayon sa kanya, iyon na siguro ang pinakamadaling ‘oo’ na binitawan niya sa buong buhay niya – wala rin naman siyang ibang nakikitang makakasama niya sa hirap at ginhawa. At nang tuluyan na nga silang nag-sumpaan sa harap ng ilang mga malapit na kaibigan at pamilya (at ng tagapamuno sa munisipyo) - wala nang ibang naramdaman si Wonwoo kundi saya. 

Totoong may kamurahan sila ng edad noong sila’y nag-isang dibdib, pero kahit ganoon, para sakanilang dalawa, wala ng mas sigurado sa pagmamahalan na meron sila. Swerte na lang din siguro si Mingyu at Wonwoo, kasi kahit una’y taliwas ang opinyon ng mga magulang nila, nakuha pa rin nila ang basbas at suportang ninanais. 

Binalik ni Wonwoo ang atensyon sa kapeng ginagawa niya.

☀︎

“Love, Won, halika rito,” ding ni Wonwoo, “Mahal, please. Come here.” 

Banayad ang boses ni Mingyu, subalit may halong galak at pagmamadali; parang may surpresa lang gustong ipakita. Kalmado lang si Wonwoo kung kumilos, dahan-dahang nilalapag ang mga mug na may mainit na kape sa mesa. 

Naglakad ang lalaki sa kinaroroonan ng mag-ama niya, hindi masyadong maaninag si Sun dahil natatakpan ng malapad na likod ng asawa. Naglalaro kasi sa playmat ang dalawa kanina pa. 

“Anong meron, Min? May nangyari?” ani niya. 

Hindi sumagot si Mingyu; sa halip, gumilid lang siya. 

Nanlaki ang mata ni Wonwoo. 

“My love,” nakangiting ani ni Mingyu. “Look.” 

Magkahawak ang malaki at maliit na daliri ng mga mahal niya. Nakatayo si Sunoo - medyo gumegewang, ngunit hindi natutumba, dahil mahigpit ang hawak ng bata sa dada niya. 

Mabilis pa sa kidlat si Wonwoo kung damputin ng lalaki ang digicam niyang nakatago sa ilalim ng TV nila, tuluyan nag iniwan ang kapeng ginagawa. 

He’s never pressed record so quickly in his life. 

☀︎

“Baby, Sun, tingin ka kay dada,” ani ni Mingyu. 

Sa maliit na lente ng digicam, kitang-kita ang ngiti ng mag-ama niya, parehong nakangiti sa direksyon ni Wonwoo. Kahit mababa ang resolusyon ng bidyo, tagos pa rin sa buto ang init at galak ng dala nito sa puso ni Wonwoo. 

‘It’s such a dream being with you. Having a family with you,’ laging sinasabi ni Mingyu sa kanya; bawat paggising; sa bawat pagtulog. 

At para kay Wonwoo, wala rin siyang ibang pangarap kundi ang maging ganito sila. Kumpleto at masaya. Wala na yatang mas hihigit pa para sa kanya. 

“Sunoo, oh my god, ang galing ng baby namin,” halos sinisipong sambit lang ni Wonwoo, hindi inaalis ang pokus sa mag-ama niya. “Sun, you’re so amazing, saan ka po natuto mag-walk ng ganyan?” 

Humalakhak lang ang bata sa dada niya, before falling on his butt. And to both Mingyu and Wonwoo, Sun’s laugh is a good sign: that as parents, they’re doing okay. That they’re being the best that they can be, at least. 

“Hawak ka kay Papa, baby, ‘yan ang galing ng baby namin,” Wonwoo says, barely keeping the tears now. Sobrang proud niya lang sa anak niya? At siguro, sa kanilang dalawa rin — for making it this far. 

“Mahal, you’re crying,” Mingyu says, mouth forming a pout. Mingyu doesn’t really like it when Wonwoo cries – not that he cries that often. 

Wonwoo wipes the clear snot forming on his nose with his (Mingyu’s) shirt. “Happy tears lang, baby. Look at our kid. Ang galing niya lang.” And call him a bit overacting, but Wonwoo’s already thinking miles ahead – how will it be like if Sunoo grows up? Will he still be as bubbly as he is now? Will he be a clingy kid to his papa and dada? 

Wonwoo thinks he’s a bit stupid for thinking so far ahead when their baby just learned how to walk. Jusko, ilang developmental milestones pa ang pagdadaanan ng anak niya, pero heto siya, iyak agad kasi sinusubukan ng maglakad ng anak niya. But who can blame him. Ganon naman yata talaga pag magulang, hindi ba? Once you have a kid, sometimes, it’s all you can think about. How they will be in the future; will they grow up well; will they still be as child-like as they were when they grow up. 

Wonwoo blames his and Mingyu’s sleep-deprived state for the unnecessary anxiety. It’s not as if he hasn’t seen Sun repeatedly trying to stand and fall on his bum the past few weeks. 

Trying to drive those thoughts away, Wonwoo just stares at the camera. He finds himself looking at Mingyu’s eyes directly looking at him - a knowing gaze. 

“I know, mahal. Come here?” Mingyu says it as he holds Sun carefully. 

Wonwoo follows, not shutting the camera off. 

Umupo siya sa tabi kung saan ang mag-ama niya. He shifts the angle to Sun, much much closer to Sun’s face. 

“You’re worried,” ani ni Mingyu, malambot ang tono. “Bakit worried ang lab ko na ‘yan?” 

Wonwoo gives him a small smile. “Nothing, ano lang, tuwa nga lang ako, ganun,” 

Sunoo makes a noise - as if he knows his dada was lying. But, in reality, it was actually just really little Sun getting tired. 

So Mingyu and Sun sat down beside Wonwoo. Mingyu had Sun on his lap, kissing the baby’s hair. 

Wonwoo thanks himself for not turning the camera off. He would love to watch this record for the rest of his life, memorize every moment, frame by frame, until every second of the memory is in his soul. 

Mingyu catches him smiling. “C’mon, love. Anong problema po natin?” 

Sunoo shrieks. 

Wonwoo smiles at the two, whispering, still aiming the camera lens at his son’s face. “Just. Things. Parenthood. Our jobs. Ang bilis, Min. Parang nung huli naninipa lang siya sa tiyan ko,” he says. “He’s growing fast.”  

Mingyu laughs. “He’s not. Ang liit niya pa, oh.” 

Sunoo laughs as he feels his papa’s fingers tickle his exposed tummy. 

“Lab naman,” ani ni Wonwoo. “Seryoso nga ako,” 

“Me too, love,” ani ni Mingyu. “We’re both serious ni Sun. Liit niya pa raw for you to worry about those things.” 

Little Sunoo giggles and tries to stand up on his Papa’s lap, raising his arms up and down, before his little limbs gave out. 

“Dada, you’re doing great,” Mingyu says in a high-pitched voice, an attempt to make himself sound like a child. “We’re so proud of you.” 

Mingyu gives him a big smile. His hair had gotten longer, covering his eye bags – both from work and taking care of Sun. Wonwoo still thinks he’s the pretty boy he met over coffee years ago. 

“‘Wag ka masyado mag-alala, okay?” Mingyu says, now in his normal, Mingyu voice. “Alam mo naman na I’m here for you too, right? Whatever happens, lagi naman akong nandito, okay?” 

Wonwoo nods. 

“On our first date I told you I was excited to marry you,” Mingyu recalls. “And even more so now that I’m raising a family with you. I’m excited every day because of you two.” 

Wonwoo smiles wider. “I know.” 

“Good,” Mingyu says. “Very good, dada!” He continues as he raises Sunoo’s arms. Sunoo shrieks out giddily. 

“Makukulit talaga,” nangingiting sabi lang ni Wonwoo. 

“Sun, hug dada na,” bulong lang ni Mingyu sa anak. “Para when papa’s not there, his little Sun can always make  dada’s days bright, hm?” 

Mingyu slowly gets the camera from his husband’s hands, before placing Sun on Wonwoo’s lap. 

“I love you,” Mingyu says. “I love our little family.” 

Mingyu gives him a kiss on his cheek. 

“I love you. I love our family, too,” Wonwoo says back, cradling his Sun on his lap. 

Mingyu gets that all on tape. 

Nasa sala silang apat – si Sunoo, Seol, Mingyu at Wonwoo. Nakasindi na ang TV sa sala ng bahay, may chips na ring nakalatag sa maliit na mesa. Ready na si Sunoo (at Seol) sa movie marathon nilang dalawa – nakapostura na nga si Sunoo sa sofa, si Seol naman, nakahilata na rin sa hita ni Sunoo. It was just going to be them, all alone at home, whilst their parents go out on a date. 

“Bebe, alis na kami ni dada,” anunsyo ni Mingyu, nakahawak sa likod ni Wonwoo. 

“Okay po,” Sunoo says at his parents. “Ingat po kayong dalawa!” 

Sunoo waves his hand, not standing up from the sofa. 

“‘Nak, may Sinigang pa jan sa ref, ha? May kanin pa sa rice cooker. Ipainit mo na lang pag gutom ka na. May cake pa rin na sbra from the shop, if you want desserts, okay?” wika ni Wonwoo, ayaw patulak sa pinto. 

Tumango lang si Sunoo. “Opo dada alam ko po, go na kayo!” 

Pero patuloy lang si Wonwoo sa pagsasalita, hindi pinapansin ang hawak ng asawa nito sa likod niya. “‘Yung veggies ni Seol, ‘wag kalimutan na ihalo sa kibbles ha?” 

“Opo dada,” sagot ni Sunoo, medyo natatawa na lang kasi halata sa mukha ng Dada Wonwoo niya na kinakabahan ito. Ang source of kaba – ang iwan sila ni Seol? Siguro. Sa date nila ng Papa niya? Panigurado. 

“Don’t forget to lock the doors, okay? May susi kami ng Papa mo – just don’t lock the screen –” 

“Wons, mahal,” Mingyu says. “Alam na ng baby natin ‘yan.” Mingyu softly pushes Wonwoo’s back forwards. 

“Yiee! Mahal daw!” asar ni Sunoo sa mga magulang. 

Tumahol din si Seol, animoy ginagatungan rin ang pangttrip ni Sunoo. 

“Mingyu!” 

Napataas lang ng kamay si Mingyu, ngunit nakangiti pa rin. 

Tumayo si Sunoo mula sa sofa at naglakad na tungo sa magulang. “Sige na, dada, opo, kakain kami ni Seol mamaya, yes po, ilolock ang door – hindi ‘yung screen,” wika niya habang tinutulak ang mga magulang, hanggang makarating na silang tatlo sa labas ng bahay. 

“Start ko lang kotse, mahal,” dinig ni Sunoo mula sa Papa niya. 

Naglakad si Mingyu paalis at palabas ng gate. Sumunod din sina Sunoo at Wonwoo. Nakatayo lang sila sa labas ng bahay. Tahimik sa kanto nila kahit alas sais pasado pa lang ng gabi. 

“Dada,” umpisa ni Sunoo. “Enjoy ka, okay?” 

Wonwoo looked at his son and gave him a timid smile. He doesn’t speak for several beats. Sunoo only stared at his father, expecting a ‘yes’. 

Instead, Wonwoo mumbled. “Sorry, baby namin,” bulong ni Wonwoo. 

“Lah, ba’t biglang nagsossory, dada?” 

Napalunok lang si Wonwoo. Imbes na tignan si Sunoo, binaling niya ang tingin sa ilaw ng sasakyang minamaneobra ng asawa niya. 

“Kasi naghiwalay pa kami ni papa,” sagot niya, hindi matignan ang mata ng anak. “And…for taking so long para mag-ayos.” 

Hindi madaling magtaguyod ng pamilya. 

Sa tagal na ng panahong nagtatrabaho sila, hindi na rin nila namalayan na may mga umuusbong na rin palang uban sa ulo ni Wonwoo. 

“Stress lang siguro,” wika niya habang nakatingin sa salamin minsan. He just plucks it out, then goes about his day. Take care of Sun in the morning, drop him off to daycare, go to work with Mingyu, pick up Sun with Mingyu, have dinner, do unfinished work at home, then sleep. 

By the time Sunoo was 7, they'd already moved houses; but the same routine stayed. Take care of Sunoo in the morning, drop him off at school, go to work with Mingyu, pick up Sun, either from school or from his or Mingyu’s parent’s house, have dinner, do unfinished work at home, then finally sleep. 

That goes on for years. And years. 

All of a sudden, they aren’t twenty-something adults anymore; all of a sudden, little Sun isn’t so little anymore. 

He doesn’t even notice the change of pace of their lives. 

Kasabay ng paghaba ng biyas ni Sunoo, nadgadagan din lalo ang  uban sa likuran ng ulo niya. 

Wonwoo, however, remained happy. Kasiyahan niya ‘to eh. 

☀︎

“Wons, okay lang ba paki-edit ‘tong nasa deck?” tawag ng boss niya. “I think ‘yun na lang naman. Can you email me the revised version by 3 PM?” 

Tangina, ‘yun na lang naman? Ilang beses nang na-edit ‘yan, isip-isip niya habang nakatingin sa pinapakita ng boss niya. 

Sa tagal ng panahon niyang nagttrabaho, ngayon pang siguro siya nakaramdam ng ganitong klaseng inis. Ewan niya — baka siguro ilang beses na ring nangyayari lately. O baka naging toxic lang talaga ang trabaho niya kasi, kahit papaano, tumaas na rin namang posisyon niya. 

Gusto niyang sabihin sa boss niyang isaksak niya sa baga niya ‘yung deck na ‘yan; na siya na ‘yung mag-edit ng lintek na ‘yan kasi naka-limang revise na siya, ‘tas bigla na namang papapalitan. 

Fuck you! gustong sabihin ni Wonwoo. Pero nag-settle lang siya sa simpleng, “Sure, sir,” at saka bumalik sa sarili nitong opisina. 

Gusto niya lang umuwi, humiga sa kama, manood ng Netflix, yakapin si Seol, at makipag-bonding sa mag-ama niya. Pero talaga namang kailangang kumayod para sa pamilya. Hays! Binuksan niya lang ang laptop niya at sinimulan ang pag-eedit ng file. 

 

Mingyu Kim (Finance) 

Hi, love. 

I’m sorry, I’ll be OT today. 

May dagdag meeting na naman today, ughhh i just want to go home with you. 

Do you want to drive the car na lang? Pwede ako mag-commute or Grab na lang pauwi. 

 

Me 

Talagang sa Teams ka pa nag-chat! 

Haha, ‘di na, mahal. Ako na lang mag-commute pauwi. Paano muna ‘yung ugh? 

 

Mingyu Kim (Finance) 

Eh? Sure ka? Ipagbook na lang kita ng Grab mmya.  

Ganyan nakkuha ni Sunoo sa’yo, puro kayo asar sa’kin ah. 

 

Me 

Yes, tinatamad ako mag-drive. Saka, ok lang commute lab, baka ma-traffic pa ko pauwi kung magbbook pa. Sayang pera. 

HAHAHA sa’yo kaya mana ‘yun.  

 

Mingyu Kim (Finance) 

Kung kumportable ka naman po sa kotse eh. Hindi naman po sayang ‘yun. 

Sa’yo po, mahal. :p Mukha pa lang. 

 

Me 

Kay Sun na lang ‘yun mapunta, pambayad na rin ng bills, mahal. 

Okay lang talaga, promise. 

Akin ang mukha, sa’yo ugali. 

 

Mingyu Kim (Finance) 

Okay, mahal, sbi mo eh. Syempre hindi na ko papalag diyan. Hahah. 

Kain na tayo lunch, plss. 

Kailang ko makita kagndahan mu 

Sobrang kawawa naman ak ‘di ba kung hindi ko makikita mukha ng asawa ko kasi back to back meetings kami ‘di ba. ‘Di ba lab? 

Tama! 

 

Me 

Sus ‘yan naman sakit niya. 

Okay! Early lunch it is then! 

Punta na kong pantry in 10. 

 

Mingyu Kim (Finance) 

Ok, Sir Kim! 

I’ll be there in 5 and will microwave our food na! 

Love you, asawa kong mahal na mahal ko!!! 

“Hi, mahal ko,” nakangiting sambit ni Mingyu sa asawa slash officemate, hindi man lang bingyang tsansa ang nakakatandang ilapag ang dalang lunch bag at water bottle nito. 

Kasama na siguro ng routine nila sa trabaho ang kumain nang sabay. Minsan lang siguro silang hindi nakakapangabot, for example pag may extended meetings, o ‘di kaya, pag toxic lang talaga. 

“Jusko, Min,” natatawang sabi ni Wonwoo nang maramdaman ang malapad na palad ng nobyo sa bewang niya. “Nako, pag tayo na-HR ah.” 

Napatawa lang si Mingyu. “Wala namang pake ‘yun si Sir Jo sa’tin,” tawa nito bago bitawan ang bewang ng asawa nang marinig ang ding ng microwave. “Upo na, Wons, kunin ko lang ‘to.” 

Pumwesto si Wonwoo sa mesa at saka nilabas ang dalawang baunang may naglalaman ng kanin, saka dalawang pares ng kutsara’t tinidor. 

Mabilis ring sumunod si Mingyu dala-dala ang nagiinit pang tupperware, at umupo sa tabi ni Wonwoo. 

“Ang ulam natin ay,” pahayag ni Mingyu, kunwari announcer sa radyo. “Boogsh, pork adobo ala Kim Mingyu.” 

“Naks, daming patatas ah,” komento ni Wonwoo nang inalis ng asawa ang takip ng tupperware. “Pero meron bang — “ 

Hinawi lang ni Mingyu ang buhok ng asawa. “Walang carrots po, tapos maraming bawang. Medyo tuyo rin.  Like what you like, ‘di ba?” 

Iba talaga. Walang kupas. To be loved is to be known nga talaga. Fuck, adobo siguro ang love language ni Mingyu. Siya ang bahala sa toyo (minsan lang!), si Mingyu ang bahala sa luto. Char! 

“Sarap,” ani ni Wonwoo, kahit hindi pa natitikman ang luto ng asawa. “Magkano po ‘to, sir?” 

“Kiss lang,” Mingyu grins. “Dito oh,” he says, tapping his cheek. 

“‘Di ba pwedeng compliment na lang, pogi?” sagot ni Wonwoo pabalik. 

“Naku,” nakangiting ani ni Mingyu, naglalabas ng maliit na alcohol. “Kumain na nga tayo, baka makiss pa kita rito.” 

Buti na lang talaga walang tao sa pantry ngayon, kasi kung may nakakita (na naman) sa kanilang ganito, panigurado, asar lang ang makukuha nilang dalawa pagbalik sa trabaho. 

“So, how’s work so far?” tanong ni Mingyu habang pinapanood ang asawa nitong magsandok ng ulam sa baunan. 

“Okay lang naman,” sagot ni Wonwoo. Just needed to edit the same shit I’ve been editing the past few weeks, gusto sana niyang sabihin. Pero pinili niya na hindi sabihin, just to keep the lunch a light one. Sa bahay niya na lang ichi-chismis. “Just need to answer emails, edit something and submit it by 3. May meeting rin yata kami, pero short lang. Ikaw, mahal?” 

Mingyu smiles. “Okay lang din naman. Ayun, may biglaang meeting daw until 6 pm. Baka nga ma-extend pa, kaya OT na naman ako. Nakakainis.” 

“‘Di bale, love. Malapit naman na promotion,” ngiti ni Wonwoo sa kanya. 

“Lah, love daw,” asar ni Mingyu. “Love mo ko, Wons?” 

“Feeling bagets ka diyan, may panganay na tayo,” ani ni Wonwoo.

“Gusto mong sundan?” biro ni Mingyu.

Siniko lang ni Wonwoo tagiliran ng asawa, akmang natatawa sa narinig. 

“Aray ko po, pinapatawa lang naman kita,” komento ni Mingyu. “Mukha kasing stressed ka. Halatang ayaw mo lang magsabi,” saka sinubo ang piraso ng karne. “May utang kang chika sa’kin.” 

Napangiti lang si Wonwoo sa asawa niya. After years of being together – after raising a kid – wala pa rin talagang palya si Mingyu pagdating sa kanya. Kahit kailan, kahit sa trabaho, hindi pa ring nakakalimutan ni Mingyu na pagaanin ang loob niya. Laging nandiyan, laging nangungumusta sa araw-araw. 

Mingyu had a knack of making unlikely places feel like home. 

“Thank you for this, Min,” lambing ni Wonwoo sa asawa niya. 

“Asus,” ani lang ni Mingyu, sabay halik sa pisngi ni Wonwoo.

It was not just about lunch. It was also about making everything feel light. 

☀︎

“Do you think I make good coffee, mahal?” 

“Yes,” ngiti ni Mingyu sa kanya. “Lahat ng gawa mo, mahal, five star rating lagi para sa’kin.” 

“Seryosong sagot kasi,” kurot ni Wonwoo sa tagiliran ng asawa niya. 

Napahagikgik lang si Mingyu, sinasama ang buong kumot na nakabalot sakanilang dalawa sa paggalaw. “Oo nga, walang biro ‘yun – tamo nga, gising na gising pa ko dahil sa kape mo kanina,” sagot niya. 

“‘Di ko alam kung nang-aano ka ba,” ani ni Wonwoo, pinapatong ang isang hita sa bewang ng asawa niya. 

“Totoo nga,” sagot ni Mingyu, hinahalikan ang uluhan ni Wonwoo. “Are you thinking about the thing from before? Nung college pa tayo?” 

Wonwoo hummed as he placated himself closer to his husband’s body. “Naalala ko lang.” 

“You’d be so good at it,” ngiti ni Mingyu sa kanya, binibigyang halik muli ang bunbunan ng asawa. “Just tell me, okay? Tell me whatever, makikinig lang ako, tandaan mo ‘yan, hm? You should let me have a taste test, too.” 

Hindi sumagot si Sunoo. Ngumiti lang ang binata at niyakap ang ama. 

“Dada, may mga rason naman po kayo. Saka, hindi naman na ko bata nung naghiwalay kayo eh. Wala namang nangyari sa’kin…sa’tin. At saka, parang wala namang pinagkaiba, dada. Lagi pa rin kayong andyan eh.”  

Sunoo breathes deeply. He could smell his own scent from his dada – the same laundry detergent, the same shampoo; the same things he got used to smelling since he was a child. 

“‘Wag ka na pong mag-sorry. Ang tagal mo na pong ginagawa ‘yan, kahit hindi ka nagsasabi. Pareho kayo ni Papa.” 

Wonwoo almost cried. “Ang laki mo na talaga,” ani ni Wonwoo, halos sipunin sa pagpipigil ng luha. 

“‘Wag kang iiyak dada, sayang make-up mo,” biro ni Sunoo nang bumitaw siya, pinipisil ang pisngi ng ama. “Enjoy kayo ni papa, okay? ‘Wag ka na po umiyak, hm?” 

Tumawa lang si Wonwoo. “Opo.” 

“Dyan na si darling,” asar ni Sunoo sa tatay nang marinig ang maingay na makina ng sasakyan. 

“Ba’t ako walang yakap!” ani ni Mingyu nang bumaba ito ng sasakyan para pagbuksan ng pinto ang asawa. Wonwoo climbed inside and watched his son and husband (yie). 

Sunoo rolls his eyes, pretending to be annoyed, before hugging his Papa, too. 

Wonwoo’s eyes softened at the sight. 

“Iuwi nang maaga si Wonwoo Kim ha? Dapat 12 andito na,” birong habilin ni Sunoo pagkabitaw. 

“Naku, itatanan ko na ‘tong dada mo.” 

“Mingyu!” 

“I’m resigning," he says as he hands over the resignation letter. “Effective po sana next month.” 

Wonwoo doesn’t believe it. He’s doing it. 

Nakasara ang labi niyang habang naghihintay. Nagliliwaliw lang ang mga mata niya sa loob ng opisina, iniiwas ang mata mula sa matagal nang titig ng boss niya. 

“Sorry?” sagot lang ng boss niya. 

Napakamot lang si Wonwoo sa leeg. 

“Tapos naman na po ako sa lahat ng pendings natin – at least the ones assigned to me,” simula ni Wonwoo. “And over the past few months, naturuan ko na rin naman na po ‘yung trainees and other new hires. I think they’re good on their own na po. Pakiramdam ko rin po pwedeng-pwede na pong mag-take over si Kwan sa’kin. I’d like to oversee some of the projects na lang po, and at least help in any way I can before I leave.” 

“Mr. Kim,” tawag ng boss niya. “Parang medyo biglaan naman ‘to?” 

Ngumiti lang si Wonwoo. “Sir,” Wonwoo starts. “Thank you po for being kind and understanding after all these years. And for teaching me what I know,” he says with finality. 

He doesn’t agree with his boss. 

Hindi naman biglaan. He had been thinking about it for a while. It just didn’t occur to him that he’d been thinking about for years, even before he knew he wanted it. 

Hindi niya rin naman akalain na aayawan niya rin ‘yung trabaho niya. Pinangarap niya rin naman ‘to. Sadyang, may mga hangganan lang talaga siguro; may ibang prayoridad; at may iba rin pala talaga siyang “calling”, kumabaga. 

He can’t even believe that a time like this would come. Quarter life crisis ba’ to? Pero hindi naman siya 25. Mid-life? But he wasn’t even in his 50s. 

Basta – he was in a crisis. 

Noong una, todo tanggi pa si Wonwoo nang maisip na mag-quit. Bakit ako mag-qquit, eh buong buhay ko ito ‘yung pinangarap ko? ‘Yun ang unang instinto niya. Kasi totoo naman. Komportableng-komportable na siya sa ideya na haggang pagtanda, sa parehong kumpanya na siya magttrabaho. 

Wala namang masama eh. Good pay, good benefits. 

But what else? 

At matagal niyang pinag upuan ang tanong. Matagal siyang nagpabalik-balik kung bakit. 

Wala namang siya pinagsisisihan sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay niya. Nagtrabaho siyang marangal, nagpakasal siya, nagkapamilya siya – at kung siguro babalik siya sa oras, pipiliin niya pa rin ang mga desisyong ginawa niya dati. Because it gave him the life he dreamed of. It wasn’t perfect; but it was enough. 

But Wonwoo couldn’t help but think of the other side that ‘enough’ can’t cover. And before Wonwoo even knew it, he’s started feeling the weight of it in every aspect. He didn’t even notice how his bones had gone tired every single day he spent at the office – not just literally. 

And it wasn’t just the job that’s being affected – it’s his family, too. Marahil, may ibang parte na rin naman kung bakit gusto niya na ring umayaw. 

He missed Sunoo so much. Hindi naman na bata si Sunoo – he knew his son also had a life outside their family. But he misses his kid. He misses being silly with Sunoo; going home with Sunoo. 

He’s a parent before he’s an employee; and he feels guilty for having to leave his son to his grandparents’ on several nights because of their busy schedules. 

And then, there’s Mingyu – ever loving, hard-working husband Mingyu. 

The husband he barely sees anymore; the husband he used to have daily lunches from before. Wonwoo felt scared that maybe he was just choosing to settle in the same old job just because Mingyu was there. He wouldn’t say he was dependent on Mingyu – but to him, it felt like that. 

And it was unsettling for him – that even after years of being in the same industry, he still felt like he needed Mingyu to have a sense of comfort in the job he’s had for years. Some would say it was insecurity – and maybe, it was true to an extent. 

But Wonwoo just felt like dead-weight. 

It took him years to finally accept that he wanted this – that he needed this. He just wanted to choose himself, at least just this once. It wasn’t just the burn-out; it was also about family; and, as much as he wanted to deny it – it was also about himself. 

Would it kill him if he chose himself this time around? 

“Well,” buntong-hininga lang ng boss niya. “I’ll talk to HR about it then,” 

Nagbigay lang ng matipid na ngiti si Wonwoo, medyo nakahinga nang maluwag sa narinig. “Thank you po. Gusto ko lang din pong mag-focus sa business  po namin saka sa pamilya.” 

Ngumiti lang din ang boss niya. “Thank you, for all the years, Mr. Kim,” sabi lang ng boss niya, tinatago ang letter of resignation niya.  “Sinabi mo na rin naman kay Mr. Kim – the other – Mr. Kim, ‘di ba?” 

Walang alam si Mingyu. Pero alam niya namang Mingyu wouldn’t have minded it if he stopped working at the office; if he chose to do something else. Suportado siya lagi ng asawa niya. 

He was going to tell him, eventually. Mingyu knew about the plans he had for a business; so it was bound to happen anyway. He just needed time. 

“Of course, sir,” pagsisinungaling niya. “But is it okay if ‘wag po munang ipaalam sa iba?” 

The car is exactly as Wonwoo remembered it to be. Clean, spotless – a tiny rosary dangling all over the rearview mirror. Wonwoo found it weird to feel like a stranger in a car he’s rode for several years of his life. 

“Nilalamig ka?” Mingyu asks when he saw Wonwoo clasp at his jacket a little tighter. 

“Hindi,” Wonwoo answers back, giving his husband a small smile. 

“Okay,” sagot lang ni Mingyu pabalik. Still, his fingers drifted over the knobs on the dashboard, amping up the heat…just in case. Wonwoo pretended he didn’t see. 

Tumigin lang si Wonwoo sa labas ng bintana, pinapanood ang mga sasakyang kasabay nila sa daan. 

Wala siyang maisip – hindi siya makapag-isip. Mangungumusta dapat siya, ‘Hi, Min, how was the office?’ or ‘Hi, Min, was traffic bad nung papunta ka sa bahay?’ or ‘Hi, Min, you look really good tonight.’ Pero wala, ewan ni Wonwoo – blanko; marahil kinakain na rin siguro ng hiya…at kaba. 

As a couple who’d been married for more than 2 decades, there is a conception deep inside Wonwoo’s head that he should have known how to navigate the awkwardness that’s surrounding them. Even when they got a break, it wasn’t like he forgot how Mingyu taps the steering wheel sometimes when there’s traffic; or how Mingyu always looks at him before the traffic light goes green. 

But, despite being well-versed with the Mingyu-nese language, Wonwoo just can’t help but be lost for words. Probably because he was shy, and so obnoxiously nervous from a date. A fucking date! In his early 40s! Who gets nervous from all that? 

Wonwoo sighs. Kahit siguro nag-uusap na silang mag-asawa, hindi pa rin nila maiwasang hindi magkahiyaan kung silang dalawa na lang ang magkasama. Sure, minsan noong nag-usap sila noong unang beses, madali – magkatabi pa nga silang natulog buong gabi, para bang sanay na sanay at kailanman hindi sila naghiwalay. 

Marahil malakas ang kontrol ng mga emosyon nila noong panahong ‘yun kaya halos wala silang alinlangan sa mga asal na ginawa nila. 

Wonwoo swallows a lump in his throat. 

“So…saan tayo?” tanong ni Wonwoo sa asawa niya. 

Pagkatanong niya ay saktong tumigil ang kotse sa red light. Tumingin si Mingyu sa kanya. 

“Kakain lang,” sagot nito. 

Wonwoo couldn’t help but think about their dates – from when they were younger and when they were just a little bit older. Has Mingyu always been this good-looking – wrinkles and smile lines and all? Why does he look so boyish after all these years? 

Nakaka-distract! 

“Saan nga?” Wonwoo says, trying his best to avoid cooing at his husband. 

“Basta,” Mingyu teased. “Um. I didn’t get to tell you earlier. But you look really good, really beautiful.” 

Wonwoo only scoffed at his husband. “Fuck off.” 

Mingyu laughed at Wonwoo’s reaction. “Hindi naman ako nagbibiro eh!” 

Wonwoo smiled a little. The Mingyu right now really does remind him of the Mingyu he dated in college. Coy and flirty, but also very endearing. 

“Inayusan ako ng anak natin,” Wonwoo just shrugs. 

“I know,” Mingyu sing-songs. “Ganda ng pout mo.” 

“Sabi ko sa’kin i-send,” Wonwoo just says. 

Mingyu giggled at Wonwoo’s reaction before looking back at the countdown on the stop light. 

For a moment, it was quiet inside the car. Wonwoo hears Mingyu’s fingers softly tapping the steering wheel, humming along an unfamiliar pop song. Then, after a few seconds, it stops. 

“Wonwoo?” 

“Yup?” 

 “Tanda mo nung sabay tayo lagi sa work?” 

Wonwoo hummed at Mingyu’s question. Syempre tanda niya, taon ‘yun eh. Ilang taon silang magkasama sa iisang sasakyan; ilang taon silang magkasama lagi sa trapik papuntang trabaho. 

“Bakit?” 

Mingyu looked over Wonwoo. “Wala lang. Naalala ko lang bigla.” 

Mingyu loved routines. 

He loved waking up early at 5 a.m. to watch his husband’s face slowly wake – then he loved 5:05 a.m. as he cuddles his husband deeper after hearing incessant whines of “five minutes pa,” from Wonwoo; loved moving at 5:30 a.m. to take a shower; then cook breakfast and lunch at 5:50 a.m.; then get ready for work until 6:30 a.m.; and finally eat breakfast at 6:45 with the loves of his life, right before they leave the house at 7:00 in the morning. And after they arrive at the office, they work on their own, eat lunch at almost quarter to 12, work, and leave together when there’s no OTs to be rendered and fetch Sunoo. 

Kaya ngayong iba ang kasama niyang kumakain ng tanghalian, hindi niya maiwasang hindi mamiss ang asawa niyang naka-leave. 

“Sir Gyu,” ngawa ni Seungkwan, bagong promote sa team ni Wonwoo. “Mamimiss ko si kuya, este, sir Wons,” ani niya habang sumisipsip sa straw ng iced Americano nito. 

“Ilang araw pa lang naman naka-leave ‘yung asawa ko, grabe kayo,” sagot ni Mingyu habang tinutusok-tusok ang pritong tilapiang inuulam nito. Napabuntong hininga lang si Mingyu nang narining ang pangalan ng asawa. 

Mingyu wouldn’t call it ‘troubles in paradise’ – they just weren’t, well, talking as much as they did. With the change in their routines, Mingyu and Wonwoo just had a difficult time navigating their busy lives. It started weeks – no, maybe months – actually, maybe even a year before.  With Mingyu and his promotion; and Wonwoo’s interest in a business venture slowly coming together, trying can only get to a certain extent. 

“Eh after ng leave?” sabi naman ni Seokmin, nasa department rin ni Wonwoo. 

Anong ‘after ng leave’? 

“Eh kasi naman kuys,” patuloy ni Seokmin, “mahal na mahal ko na yata si kuya Wons. Ba’t ba kasi ikaw ‘yung asawa?” 

“Aba,”sagot lang ni Mingyu. “Pwede ba, pamilyadong tao na eh. Akala mo ‘di ka namin napapansin ni Kuya Han na pasimpleng sumusulyap kay Jisoo ah,” patuloy ng lalaki. 

Nasamid lang si Seokmin. “Jusko, ‘di mabiro. Eh kasi naman! Sobrang alaga ni kuya Wons sa’min.” Tumango si Seungkwan habang humihigop sa inumin nito, umaayon sa mga pinagsasabi ng katrabaho. Nagsalita ulit si Seokmin. “Sure na ba talaga si kuya Wons, Gyu? Ayaw niya na talaga sa office mag-work?” 

“Huh?” 

Huh? Alingawngaw sa utak ni Mingyu. Napatigil siya sa pagkuha ng kanin sa baunan para tignan ang mukha ng mga kasama sa opisina. Sa lahat ng makakaya niya, sinubukang panatilihin ni Mingyu ang neutral na ekpresyon kahit na unang beses niya palang itong nababalitaan. 

”Gyu,” nguso ni Seokmin, “baka naman gusto pa mag-rescind ni kuya Wons ng resignation. Hindi na rin naman na kami nangangapa ni Kwan saka ng mga bago sa work. ‘Di na siya ma-totoxic sa’min.” 

Huh. 

“Ano ka ba,” sagot ni Seungkwan, sinisiko si Seokmin. “Alam mo namang gusto lang naman ni Kuya Wons magpahinga, tapos pipigilan mo pa. Saka may business venture naman na si kuya Wons kung saan siya nagfofocus,”

“Hindi naman sa ganon!” 

Hindi na masyadong naintindihan ni Mingyu ang mga pinag-uusapan ng dalawa. His mind was too busy trying to make sense of what Seokmin had said. Resign, anong resign? Wonwoo never told him about his resignation. Well, it was a bit strange for him to suddenly bring up a coffee shop business and take an immediate action to try it. But Mingyu paid it no mind. Wonwoo had always wanted to try the venture out – and when there was an opportunity in the form of Dino – Wonwoo’s friend – who was renting out a commercial space for cheap, the both of them didn’t hesitate. 

Mingyu’s just surprised about leaving work for good. Akala niya rin naman kasi, with Wonwoo's job at the office becoming relatively lighter, he’d still continue at the office. 

But Mingyu was wrong. Now, Mingyu thinks as he stares at the dismembered fish on his tupperware, maybe he should’ve paid more attention. Maybe something was already gnawing at Wonwoo before it even happened. 

He didn’t even know about Wonwoo wanting to take a break. Wonwoo would have told him. He should have told him.

“Kuys,” dinig ni Mingyu, pinuputol ang daloy ng isip nito. “Ayos ka lang? Natahimik ka,” patuloy ni Seokmin. 

Mingyu picked at the white flesh of the fish. “Ayos lang,” sagot niya pabalik. 

Mingyu had no idea what to feel. He wanted to go straight home after work and eat together with his family. He wanted to talk to Wonwoo about everything – he wanted to ask him questions. He wanted to ask why he had to keep it all to himself. He wanted to ask why, despite sleeping in the same bed for years, Wonwoo still chose to sleep with his own thoughts when he could’ve shared it with him. 

He wasn’t angry – hindi niya rin naman kayang magalit sa asawa niya kahit kailan. 

He pops a piece of fish in his mouth, then instantly coughing out the piece together with a tiny fishbone. He doesn’t know if the bitter aftertaste on his tongue was from the fish, or if it was the lingering hurt that he felt. 

He thinks it’s the latter.  

☀︎

“Mahal,” Mingyu calls out in the dark – the lights had gone dim. He sees Wonwoo’s figure covered by their blanket. 

“Hm?” he hears him answer. “You’re here, late kang nakauwi,” Wonwoo says softly. 

Hindi sigurado si Mingyu kung paano niya itatanong. Wonwoo never kept secrets from him – at least ones that involved their family. He respects Wonwoo’s privacy. Ever since, he knew that Wonwoo was a tough nut to crack – that he had to earn every bit of his trust to let people in. And Mingyu has gone through years of learning Wonwoo to have earned that privilege.

Mingyu found it unsettling that it seemed like that privilege had been stripped off from him. And he doesn’t know how, why or when that happened – and he doesn’t know he thinks he’s having a hard time re-learning that all over again. 

“Um,” umpisa ni Mingyu, nakatayo lang sa pintuan – nag-iisip. “Sorry, just– alam mo na,” he says. 

He hears Wonwoo hum. Mingyu’s throat dries. 

“Is there…”umpisa niya muli, nilulunok ang alinlangan. “May gusto ka bang sabihin sa’kin?” 

He thinks it’s the longest 30 seconds of his life – waiting for what Wonwoo had to say. 

“Wala,” Wonwoo says curtly. 

Mingyu could only nod. Maybe, when he’s ready, he thinks.

“Mahal dito ah,” Wonwoo comments as he sits down on the cushioned chair Mingyu pulled out for him. “Tsaka mahirap daw makakuha ng reservation.” 

Of course Wonwoo knew, they were supposed to celebrate their anniversary 3 years ago in this same restaurant. Sadyang hindi lang kinaya ng schedule nila that time. And their…falling apart. 

Mingyu gave him a small smile before sitting down on his own chair, directly in front of Wonwoo’s. 

Mingyu didn’t give Wonwoo any response to his comment. Instead, he  gently pulled out a bouquet of white roses and baby’s breath. 

“Charan!” Mingyu proudly says. 

Napahagikgik lang si Wonwoo. “Wow, prepared na prepared ka,” komento ni Wonwoo at tinanggap ang bulaklak. 

“Syempre! Now, pose ka po, update natin ‘yung baby natin.” 

Mingyu pulls out his phone from his pocket and quickly snaps some pictures of Wonwoo holding the bouquet. 

“Ikaw naman, Min,” Wonwoo quickly says when he sees Mingyu setting his phone back down. 

“‘Di na,” Mingyu says, smiling shyly. 

“Dali, just smile, okay?” Wonwoo says, getting his own phone from the back of his pants. “One, two, three – cheese!” 

Mingyu gives him a soft smile. 

“Mingyu, sa camera ang tingin, ‘wag sa’kin,” Wonwoo shyly comments when he sees how the picture turned out. 

“Sorry,” Mingyu just says, before complying to what Wonwoo had said. 

After a few snaps and wacky shots, they settled back down in the quiet. The diners around them were immersed in their own conversations, murmuring about things Wonwoo couldn’t make sense of. 

“So, paano ka nakapag-reserve agad?” Wonwoo asked when hew saw an elderly couple entering the restaurant. 

“Secret,” Mingyu answered. 

“Ano nga? Gusto raw mag-celebrate nila Juls dito for their anniversary,” Wonwoo probed.

Mingyu sighed before he answered. 

“Months ago,” Mingyu confessed. “Nagpa-reserve ako months ago.” 

“What do you mean months ago?” 

All thoughts came running inside Wonwoo’s head. Was he seeing someone from months before? Did he make a reservation for their date? Did he prepare flowers like these, too? Did he fall in love with someone else when they were apart? 

The thoughts must have been apparent from Wonwoo’s face, because Mingyu suddenly held his hand. 

“Ikaw ‘yung iniisip ko nun, Wonwoo,” Mingyu says. “Ugh, nakakahiyang aminin.” 

Hindi mapigilan ni Wonwoo ang sarili. “You were plotting na magbalikan tayo?” 

Mingyu laughed, relieved when he saw the shift in Wonwoo’s face. Mingyu knew what Wonwoo looked like jealous…and of course, when he had a lot of things in his mind. 

“I was not plotting! I was hoping!” 

Just as Wonwoo would ask what he meant, their waiter suddenly arrived. 

Amidst the questions about wine, doneness of their steaks, and what their sides were going to be, Wonwoo couldn’t help but stare at the flowers on his lap, then to the man in front of him. 

Of course he was hoping. Of course he was.

Alas dose ng madaling araw na nang marinig ni Wonwoo ang pagbukas at pagsara ng gate ng bahay nila sa Quezon City. Alas dose tres ng madaling nang marinig niya ang yabag ng paa ng asawa niya sa sala. Alas dose singko naman nang marinig niya ang pagbukas ng pinto ng kwarto nila. 

Alas dose trenta na nang matapos si Mingyu sa shower nito. 

Mag-aalauna na ng madaling araw, pero pareho pa rin silang gising. 

“Late ka na naman umuwi,” wika ni Wonwoo nang narinig ang pagbukas ng pinto ng banyo sa kwarto. Wonwoo was reading something by the time Mingyu reached their bedroom. 

Mingyu only sighed before speaking. “Busy kami, Won. Alam mo ‘yan. You know how this works.” 

Nakaramdam si Wonwoo ng saglit na pamimintig sa ulo niya. The same thing, again. Busy. Wonwoo’s heard those words enough to realize how much he hates the word ‘busy’. 

“Of course I know how it works. Nagtrabaho ako diyan,” he says. Mingyu should’ve been home hours ago. He should’ve had dinner with them at 8 in the evening. 

Mingyu sighs again. “Yes. I’m sorry, so can we please rest now?” 

While Wonwoo is all for diplomacy and peace for the sake of their marriage and their child, sometimes things should be talked about.  

“Mingyu, seryoso ka ba? Anong oras na? It’s 12 a.m. Hindi ka pa nag-dinner, and you ask me why are we having this conversation?” 

Mingyu sighs for the third time. “It’s not that big of a deal, Won.” Mingyu sits on the bed, joining his husband who was already covered by their sheets. 

Wonwoo scoffed. “You’re barely home anymore, sure, that’s not a big of a deal,” he says as he sets the book down his side table. 

“Because hindi naman talaga, Wonwoo.” 

‘Yan na naman. Wonwoo. Pangalan niya lang naman. Wonwoo was for customers; Wonwoo was for acquaintances. It was never just Wonwoo for Mingyu. It’s always, mahal or baby. Wonwoo wonders when did it change. When was he just Wonwoo to him? 

“Baka nakakalimutan mong may pamilya kang inuuwian. May anak ka,” Wonwoo says. “Sige, ‘wag mo na kong isama diyan sa mga inaalala mo, but at least, kahit kay Sun lang.” 

Mingyu only ruffles his hair, then sighs again. “Sorry, okay. I just – hectic lang talaga. Next time, I’ll come home earlier.” 

It was clear as day that Mingyu didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Tapos na eh. Nangyari na. They’ve been having this argument for more times than they can count; and Wonwoo knows exactly how it’s going to play out next. Magso-sorry si Mingyu, uuwi nang maaga for max 3 days; then it starts all over again.  

“Puro ka next time. We’re going around in circles. Pareho lang tayo lagi ng pinag-aawayan, pero wala namang nangyayari.” 

And maybe Wonwoo should be sorry. That he was being like this; that he was drilling his husband’s absence all over like it was some sort of crucifixion. 

Alam niya namang hindi niya dapat tabunan ‘yung patong-patong na nga nilang pinag-aawayan; kasi bakit pa? Paulit-ulit lang naman. Pero para naman kay Wonwoo, paano naman maayos kung hindi pag-uusapan nang masinsinan.  

“E di anong gusto mong pag-awayan natin, Won? What then? ‘Yung pagreresign mo nang walang pasabi, ‘yun naman. Kasi ako na lang punterya dito lagi eh,” Mingyu says unexpectedly. 

And maybe this was Wonwoo’s karma — because suddenly his throat began closing up. Hindi siya makasagot. 

Mingyu frowns. “What, bakit biglang bawi? Nasan ‘yang inis mo ngayon, Wons? Hindi ba valid na magalit ako? Hindi ba? Mali ba na ma-frustrate rin ako, Wonwoo? Sabihin mo, Won. Mali ba? ” 

Wonwoo blinks. While Mingyu didn’t raise his voice — not even once since they were still two college kids — Wonwoo wishes he did; because at least, he wouldn’t feel the heavy weight of guilt in his chest; because at least, he’d have something else to pick on. 

“I’ve been working my ass off over the past couple of months, Won. Pagod na pagod rin naman ako,” ani niya. “And then I hear people talking about you – imagine how that made me feel. Mukha akong tanga, Wonwoo. Then people kept asking me what happened – to ask you to stay – and what do I say, Wonwoo? Nagsisinungaling na lang ako that you just want to focus on our family — sa business. But I know for a fact na hindi naman talaga ‘yun, ‘di ba?” 

Nakatitig lang si Mingyu sa kanya, naghihintay nasa sana masagot rin ‘yung mga tanong sa isip niya. 

“Seryoso, bulyawan tayo ng mali, Mingyu?” tanging anas niya lang, halos tumataas na ang boses. “It’s been months, Mingyu,” 

“Exactly,” sagot ni Mingyu. “It’s been months, and yet I still don’t know anything about it. Jusko, Wonwoo, ano anino na lang ba ko, nakalimutan mo rin bang may asawa ka? Nakalimutan mo ba?” 

“Wow! Sa’yo pa talaga nanggaling ‘yan. That’s rich coming from you,” Wonwoo says sarcastically. “Unbelievable. You're so unbelievable.” 

“Sige, Wonwoo. You never talked about it with me. So why not now?” 

He watches Mingyu swallow whatever he was going to say. 

Alam ni Wonwoo na hindi santo ang asawa niya. Kahit ilang beses na niyang napikon at naasar, kahit nasagad niya na — Mingyu never says a thing. 

But maybe it really does get to a point — and for Mingyu, maybe this was it. 

“Not once did I say anything about it, Wonwoo. Ever. I never brought it up — hinayaan ko na. I wanted to ask – I’ve been meaning to ask you. But I was scared. That, if ever I ask, mapapalayo ka – mas malayo pa sa kung gaano kalayo ka na sa’kin ngayon. Hinihintay ko lang na ikaw ‘yung mag-umpisa ng usapan, because I know you wouldn’t want to feel like - like you’re being cornered,” Mingyu pauses. “Ayaw mo ng ganun eh. And I respect that. I respect you, and I respect your decision. Pero grabe naman Won, ano ba naman ‘to? Sa lahat ng bagay, ito talaga ‘yung ‘di mo masabi sa’kin? Don’t I deserve to know at least why?” 

Napahilamos ng mukha si Mingyu. “Susuportahan naman kita every step of the way. Pero what about what I have to say, Wonwoo?” 

And Mingyu was right. Why did he never tell him? When did he stop telling him things? 

Sa malalim na kaibuturan ng utak ni Wonwoo, alam niya naman ang sagot. Sadyang ayaw niya lang aminin. Sadyang hindi niya lang talaga gustong sabihin na nahihirapan rin siya; na hindi niya na rin gusto ‘yung trabaho niya; na nahihiya siya sa asawa niya.

Nahihiya siya kasi sa tagal niyang naging malakas, hindi niya akalain, na may posibilidad pa rin na magiging mahina siya. 

Wonwoo had always been so sure and secure with himself; but the moment that he found the courage to leave the environment that was slowly draining him, he felt a moment of apprehension; of shame – that maybe, he wasn’t being the best version he could possibly – for himself, for Mingyu – for his family. 

Alam naman ni Wonwoo na hindi naman ikakagalit ni Mingyu ‘yun. Hindi naman si Mingyu ‘yung tipo ng tao na magagalit kaagad sa mga usapang pera. He knew that Mingyu would gladly take on the mantle and just carry on like nothing was weighing him down. 

He felt insecure because for the first time in his life, he thought he wasn’t being enough. He felt guilty and afraid.   

It was never a part of his plan to keep things from him. He was going to tell him, too. He wanted to know what Mingyu had to say, too. He wanted comfort from him, too. But he was afraid and curiously unsettled with how he might react. 

So he put it off. Until the act of telling him disappeared from his plans. 

Hindi na sila nakakapagkita, o nagpapang-abot. Simula na rin nung umalis siya sa opisina, hindi na rin sila nakakapag-usap nang maayos. 

The chances of seeing him — even having a decent conversation with him without the conversation escalating about overtimes and missed dinners or mandatory movie nights with Sunoo — were so fucking rare. 

At hindi naman dapat ‘yung ang maging rason ni Wonwoo. 

Hindi naman niya dapat ‘yun isumbat. 

And yet. 

“Kasi nga wala ka,” Wonwoo bursts, raising his voice just a little louder than what he intended. “How am I going to tell you eh lagi ka ngang wala? How am I going to find the time then? How are you going to hear about it then?  At kahit nandito ka, minsan pakiramdam ko, nasa ibang bagay ‘yang utak mo,” 

Wonwoo should have stopped, hit the brakes hard. 

“Sometimes, I feel so fucking alone even when I’m with you, alam mo ba ‘yun?” 

Wonwoo doesn’t even notice the words leaving his mouth. He doesn’t notice how his breath was shaking. He doesn’t even notice the way he’s already clutching the sheets. 

And while it takes a lot of thinking to find out when the questions that they’re starting to ask began, it doesn’t really take a genius to see the small cracks in the glass growing bigger by the second. 

Everything went silent. Mingyu just stared. 

In the dim light, Wonwoo understands that maybe he might have gone too far. Because, after 18 years of being married, not once did Mingyu ever look as hurt as he did in that moment. And Wonwoo thinks that as much as he’s hurting; he forgets that Mingyu could hurt, too. 

The hardest part wasn’t the way that Mingyu only stared in silence; or how he just removed the duvet on his lap; or how there’s a small twitch on his lips. 

It was the way Mingyu looked at him like he looked at him with so much guilt. Wonwoo never meant it like that. He never meant it to hurt that much. 

But it was already there. And all that Wonwoo could do was pick up the pieces. 

They sat there in silence. Wonwoo could feel the tense atmosphere – he swears he could just grab it by its head. 

This was far worse than the arguments that they had before. They used to speak more carefully; a lot more gently. This was not the case. This was ugly; no tiptoeing around on a tightrope anymore. And fall from the tightrope they did. 

After a few moments, Mingyu spoke up. 

“Gusto mo pa bang matulog ako dito?” 

“Mhm,” Wonwoo hummed, as if anger didn’t take him by the head. God. What the fuck was he thinking. 

Then silence.

“Okay,” Mingyu says quietly. “Are we okay, Wons?” 

“Mhm,” he hummed again, twisting his body, his back against his husband.

Mingyu sighs. “I love you, okay,” Wonwoo hears. 

Wonwoo doesn’t have the heart to say it back. 

☀︎

Isa siguro sa mga kinasusuklamang laro ni Mingyu dati noong binata siya ay volleyball…hanggang ngayon pa rin naman. Mas gusto niyang maging tagapagmatyag lang kesa maging manlalaro. Kaya niya lang namang laruin ang sport na ‘yun dahil sa mga pinsan at mga kaibigan niya na pilit siyang inaaya dati. 

Kaso kahit ilang beses niya nang nalaro, ayaw niya pa rin talaga. 

Ayaw niya kasi ‘yung pakiramdam na sinusundan palagi ‘yung bola sa ere, sumasakit ‘yung leeg niya. Ayaw niya rin ‘yung palagi siyang tumatakbo at lumuluhod — baka biased na rin siguro siya dahil hindi naman na siya bata. 

Pero ang pinakaayaw ni Mingyu ay ‘yung paghihintay at sakit. ‘Yung antisipasyon habang pinapapanood ang bolang bumaba sa hangin, hanggang sa maramdaman niya ‘yung tindi ng tama sa pulsuhan niya. 

Pakiramdam ni Mingyu nasisiraan na siya ng ulo kasi bakit ‘yun ba ang naalala niya ngayong magkausap sila ni Wonwoo nang harapan. 

“Maghiwalay na muna tayo,”

Nakakabingi.  

Napapansin niya naman na hindi sila nagkakaintindihan; na lagi silang may dahilan para hindi magkibuan; na minsan, umaabot sa taasan ng boses. Akala niya, baka nga dahil lang masyado na rin silang matagal — 18 taon na silang kasal; baka masyado lang silang magkakilala sa puntong ‘yung pati ‘yung mga mali na ‘yung napapansin, ‘yung nangingibabaw. 

Pero kahit kailan, hindi niya akalain na darating sa ganitong punto. 

Akala niya kasi makakaya. Umuuwi siyang mas maaga basta kaya; bawasan ang trabaho sa weekend; being more present. 

Wonwoo never asked him to do it explicitly. But he knows his husband well enough to understand what he needs. Maybe just a little too late than he needed. 

Mingyu never asked about the sudden resignation again. 

Ang alam niya lang, ayon sa ilang balitang nakalap niya, it was because Wonwoo was getting tired of the work; that he wanted to focus on their family. He wanted to believe that it was just that; the office work was just getting to him; that he wanted more time with them. He has so many questions that he wanted to ask, but he chose to stay quiet. Ayaw niya ng may problemahin pa si Wonwoo. 

Mingyu thought he was doing okay at making amends; that despite the deep pit forming inside his stomach, everything will be okay. 

Pero tangina, sapul sa mukha ang bola. 

Akala niya, mamamanhid na siya sa lahat. Hindi na siya bata na kaunting kurot lang, iiyak na; hindi na rin siya binata na kaunting diin lang ng suntok, mananakit na ang sikmura niya. Nasa edad na siya kung saan kayang-kaya niya nang magproseso ng mga bagay nang rasyonal. 

Pero puta. 

Wala siyang pinagkaiba sa sanggol na iniwan sa kuna sa sandaling narinig niya ang mga sinabi ni Wonwoo. 

“Anong sinabi mo?” Mingyu dumbly replies. 

“We need this,” tanging sagot lang ni Wonwoo sa kanya, hindi man lang siya tinitignan. 

Kung dati siguro paboritong-paborito ni Mingyu ang mga sandaling tulad nito. Gising na sila ng  alas tres ng umaga para sabay na magkape at maghanda sa mga hamon na dala ng araw; may pinagsasaluhang dalawang piraso ng tinapay. Kaunting pahinga bago sumabak sa bagong umaga. 

Mingyu loved his routines just as much as the next person. 

“Mingyu? Narining mo mo ba ko?” 

But, as he looks at the two cups of coffee and the stale bread between them, he thinks it's better to go back to sleep. 

Napailing lang si Mingyu. “No, we don’t,” 

“We’ve been arguing every single time na magkasama tayo. This isn’t healthy anymore. Not for me, not for you — definitely not for Sun and Seol, too — “ 

“Pero sinusubukan ko naman, Won. Sinusubukan naman natin,” ani ni Mingyu, pilit na nangangatwiran. “So hard. Kulang pa ba? Sige, dadagdagan ko ‘yung off ko – mas maaga pa akong uuwi,” 

“Mingyu,” 

“Ako na lang susundo at maghahatid kay Sun lagi, para ‘di na siya mag-commute. How does that sound? So you can focus on the shop. Dumadami na customers, ‘di ba?” 

“Mingyu,” 

“I’ll even drop by sa coffee shop and work during the night after work, para may kasama ka na hindi lang sila Nonnie at Onids,” 

“Mingyu,” 

“Not like this, Wons. ‘Wag naman yung ganito,” 

Handang-handa si Mingyung lumuhod; na ipako ang tuhod niya sa sahig. 

“Mingyu, makinig ka naman,” Wonwoo calls out again. “We don’t — we’re not —“ Wonwoo struggles to find the words as he tries his best to stay composed. Crying was the last thing he wanted to do. “We’re not seeing things eye to eye anymore,” 

“Alam mong hindi ‘yan totoo,” Mingyu says. 

Tahimik lang si Wonwoo noong una, tila hinahanap ang mga tamang salita. 

“Alam kong bumabawi ka na – thank you for that, Min. I can see you’re trying. Pero Min, bumabalik pa rin naman tayo sa dati. And, to be honest, nakakapagod rin na lagi tayong ganito,” paputol-putol na sabi ni Wonwoo. “Hindi nga tayo nagsisigawan, pero — alam mo ‘yun? Lagi pa rin tayong galit pag natutulog,” Wonwoo says quietly. “Hindi na tayo nagkakaintindihan.” 

“Ipaintindi mo sa’kin,” sagot ni Mingyu. “Ipaintindi mo sa’kin kung saan pa ako pwedeng bumawi para lang hindi ka mapagod. Sabihin mo sa’kin kung anong bigat pa ‘yung pwede kong akuin para lang gumaan ang lahat,”

Wonwoo kept quiet. 

“Normal lang naman na mag-away tayo bilang mag-asawa, hindi ba?” dagdag ni Mingyu. 

“Mingyu, naririnig mo ba ‘yang sinasabi mo? Normal, oo, pero, ‘yung sumabatan? Normal pa ba ‘yun? Nakakapagod rin naman, Min,” 

Napabuntong hininga silang dalawa. 

“Eh, hindi naman ibig sabihin noon hindi na kita mahal.” 

“Alam ko, Min. Alam ko naman. Ako rin naman,” Wonwoo sighs. Ako rin naman. “I just. Don’t you see, baka dun tayo umabot kung ganito tayo palagi,” 

Mingyu does. He just chooses not to see it. Because the moment he looks at the cracks of their marriage, then that would mean all it’s true. That they’re falling apart. That their marriage is failing. 

“Tell me, Won. Anong pwede kong gawin, hm?” bulong niya. 

Tinignan lang siya ni Wonwoo, mistulang linya ang mga labi. Walang mga salitang binitawan si Wonwoo, ngunit sapat na ‘yun para masagot ang tanong ni Mingyu. 

“Sun won’t like it,” Mingyu says.

“Mingyu,” Wonwoo smiles. “You know how smart our kid is, right? He’ll understand. Kolehiyo naman na ‘yung bata. He won’t hate us for doing this.”  

Suminghot si Wonwoo, tumitingin sa mga palad nitong nakapatong lang sa hita niya. 

“Wonwoo naman,”

“And Sun is so…perceptive, Min. I think…napapansin niya na rin — that we’re not okay.” 

“Lab naman,” Mingyu calls out. 

“Don’t make this harder than it already is, please,” 

Hindi umiyak si Wonwoo — akala niya, iiyak ang Wonwoo niya. He’s only cried a few times in their lives — mostly, only out of pure happiness — and he’s proud of that. Because that means he did a great job at making him happy at least. 

So he feels gutted. 

Akala niya man lang sa sandaling halos ilibing na nila ‘yung pangakong sinumpaan nilang dalawa, may kaunting luha namang nakalaan para sa kanya.

But people hurt differently. 

Tumahimik lang silang dalawa, may dalawang tasa ng kapeng hindi pa rin nagagalaw. Nainis si Mingyu nang tikman ang mapait at maligamgam na inumin. Mas malamig at mas mapakla pa yata ‘yung pagsasama nila kaysa sa kapeng nalasahan ng dila niya. 

“Is this really what you want?” kalmadong tanong ni Mingyu, binabalik ang tasa sa mesa. 

Wonwoo holds his free hand. “This is what we need, Mingyu.” 

Hinigpitan pabalik ni Mingyu ang kapit, minamasahe ang singsing sa daliri ni Wonwoo. “Are you really sure about this, Wons?” He asked, one more time. Because if Wonwoo was sure, if he was that certain, then fine. 

Tumango lang si Wonwoo, may matipid na ngiti sa labi nito. 

Hindi alam ni Mingyu kung maiiyak ba siya o matatawa kasi sa ilang minutong pag-uusap nila, saka lang siya hinawakan ng asawa niya. 

At natatawa na lang si Mingyu sa sarili niya, kasi sa tagal na ng panahon nilang magkasama, hindi niya pa rin mahindian ang asawa niya — kahit hiwalayan na ang usapan. Kasi kung ‘yun ang gusto ni Wonwoo, kung ‘yun ang makakapagpagaan ng nararamdaman ng mahal niya, doon na rin siya. 

Nangako siya na mamahalin niya at pipiliin niya lagi si Wonwoo. 

Mingyu wasn’t the type who prays every night or morning. He also wasn’t one to quote from bible verses. 

And yet, as he looks at Wonwoo – his  beautiful Wonwoo – he can oddly recall one from the deep crevices of his brain; one of which he remembers from one of the catechism lessons he had when he was 12. 

Love is patient and it is kind; it is not selfish; it protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. 

Kung ayaw ni Wonwoo ng isda, baboy ang magiging ulam. Kung masyadong maalat ang timpla para sa kanya, babawasan at babawasan ang asin, hanggang sa minsan pawang tabang na lang natitira. Kung nagkakasakit si Wonwoo at ayaw lumunok ng bitamina, siyang bahalang magbalat ng kiat-kiat o kung anumang prutas ang kailangan — kahit hindi pa inaapoy ng dahil sa lagnat ang nakatatanda. 

Mas lalo pa noong nagdadalang tao si Wonwoo. Triple pa yata ang alaga niya sa asawa niya. 

Noong nagpakasal sila, doon niya totoong natutuhang isabuhay ang bersikulong unang narinig niya noong wala pa siyang kaalam-alam sa pag-ibig. At noong dumating si Sunoo, doon niya natutuhang may espesyal na espasyo pa pala sa puso niyang mapupunan. 

Nagbuntong hininga ulit si Mingyu. 

“I’ll come home every weekend then,” tanging sagot ni Mingyu, hindi na ulit nagpumilit. 

“Huh?” 

“Sa Makati na ko titira, kung ganon.” 

“Pwede pa rin naman na…magkasama tayo sa bahay.” 

“Labo nun, lab,” ani ni Mingyu, sinusubukang pagaanin ang sariling kalooban. “Hiwalay pero hindi?” 

Wonwoo rolled his eyes. Nakuha pang magbiro kahit ganito. 

“Okay, fine,”  pagsang ayon lang ni Wonwoo. “Just come home as long as you’re not that busy.” 

Pinanood ni Mingyu ang asawa niyang humigop mula sa sariling tasa. 

Humirit si Mingyu. “Si Seol, pwede bang sa’kin muna siya?” 

Napatingin lang si Wonwoo sa kanya. “Are you sure? Baka mahirapan ka. You know how she likes her morning walks.” 

“Kaya naman,” Mingyu says, sinisinghot ang sipon. “Pet-friendly naman sa condo natin. Ang daming pwedeng lakaran sa Makati.” 

“Alright.” 

“When do you want me out of the house?” 

“Don’t make it seem like pinapalayas kita.” 

Mingyu lets out a small, wet, laugh. Wonwoo, unexpectedly, did, too.

The world must be playing a sick joke because this is the first time they’ve laughed together after some time – all while they’re talking about separating, on top of that. 

“Wons?” 

“Hm?”

I love you, he wanted to say. Ayokong umalis, he wanted to say. 

But he didn’t. Because love is patient; because love is not selfish. Love perseveres. 

“Kailan natin sasabihin kay Sun?” he asks instead. 

There was a pregnant pause. Wonwoo purses his lips. “When do you think?” 

“Weekend na lang?” Mingyu says. “Just so, you know,” If you ever change your mind, Mingyu thought – but never said it out loud. “Para lang hindi ka maabala – hindi kayo maabala ni Sun,” he says instead. 

“Isn’t that too sudden?” tanong ni Wonwoo. 

Mingyu smiles gently. “Baka lang you might want me to leave already. Ayokong maging hindi ka komportable sa’kin kahit kailan,” 

“I don’t mind,” sagot ni Wonwoo, hindi siya tinitignan. “Hindi naman ibig sabihin na maghihiwalay na tayo, ibig sabihin noon hindi na ako komportable sa’yo,” 

Anong klaseng parusa ba ‘to para marinig niya ‘yung salitang ‘hiwalay’ ng ilang beses. Hindi pa ba sapat ‘yung isa o dalawa? 

“Eh baka ako naman mahirapan niyan, Wons,” sagot pabalik ni Mingyu, ngumingiti. 

Wonwoo exactly knew what he meant. 

“Sorry,” hirit lang ni Wonwoo, “Saturday then. Samahan na rin kitang mag-impake.” 

Napatawa lang si Mingyu. “Wons, awa na lang siguro,” biro niya. “Don’t do that,” 

“We’ll still be okay, right? At least as parents,” tanong ni Wonwoo. 

Mingyu smiles bitterly before he answered. “Of course. ‘Course we will.” 

“Promise?” 

“Promise.” 

Mingyu still managed to finish his coffee. 

“What do you mean when you said you were hoping?” 

Wonwoo brought it up again halfway through dinner. 

Mingyu had stop and swallow the meat in his mouth to answer. Kung sagutin ni Mingyu ang tanong, wala na, wala na ‘yung angas niya. 

“‘Yun na ‘yun, Wons. I was hoping that we would get back together,” sagot lamang ni Mingyu. 

“So?” Wonwoo continued, his own ribeye had gone a little cold from waiting. As juicy at the meat is, mukhang mas juicy, pa yata ang makukuha niyang impormasyon sa asawa niya.  “Meaning?” 

Mingyu made a face. It almost reminded Wonwoo of Sunoo’s when he complains about the heat – or when he’s too lazy to go to school when the weather seemed like it had grudges against his sunshine of a son. 

“‘Di ko sasagutin ‘yan, alam mo naman na eh,” Mingyu just says before drinking from his water. 

Wonwoo pouted his lips. “‘Di mo talaga sasabihin?” 

Mingyu rolled his eyes at his husband’s antics. Talagang gagawin talaga ang lahat – sasamantalahin talaga ‘yung kahinaan niya para lang makuha ang gusto. 

“Fine, I made this reservation…um, like months before pa,” 

“Sinabi mo na ‘yun eh. Was that when you told me you love me ‘nung pinaprank ka namin?” 

“That was a prank?” 

“Hindi ‘yun ‘yung point, Min,” 

“Kayong mag-ama, napakasutil,” Mingyu just says. “And no, it wasn’t when I told you how I'm still so in love with you. Before pa nun, okay?” 

“Oh my God, e di ang tag na nun? Kaya may reservation ka na way way ahead pa. Oh my God.” 

Mingyu softly kicks Wonwoo’s shin under the table. 

“Oh my God, in love na in love ka sa’kin?” asar ni Wonwoo sa asawa niya habang binabalik ang atensyon sa pagkain niya. May ichichika na naman siya kay Sunoo.

“Nye nye, oo, in love ako sa’yo, ano naman,” Mingyu just says. “‘Di ko lang siguro inexpect na you were also considering the idea…of us being together again,” he continued, before turning his attention back to his own food. 

That’s when Wonwoo stopped cutting up the vegetables on his plate. 

“Did it seem like that, Min?” tanong ni Wonwoo sa asawa niyang busy sa paghihiwa ng steak. 

Nang tinagpo ni Mingyu ang mga mata ni Wonwoo, halatang may bahid ng alinlangan sa ekspresyon ng nakababata. 

“Seemed like what?” 

“Like I would never want you back?” 

Napatigil muli sa paghiwa ng karne. Binaling niya ang tingin sa mukha ng asawa. 

“To me, it did,” sagot lang ni Mingyu. Wala siyang binigay na paliwanag. 

Mingyu only gave him a small, tight-lipped smile after answering.

Wonwoo’s stomach felt like big pile of nothingness when he heard that. The guilt from years ago suddenly resurfaced from the deep pit, swallowing his insides like it belonged solely in his gut. 

Slowly, Wonwoo opened his lips, trying to find the momentum; the courage he failed to have when he needed it. 

“But you know I love you right,” mahinang sabi ni Wonwoo, “kahit ganun ‘yung nangyari sa’tin? Alam mong mahal kita, ‘di ba?” 

Mingyu didn’t answer at first. Instead he grabbed his napkin, wiped his mouth, then his fingers. After a short while, he reached over to touch Wonwoo’s chin. 

“May dumi,” he said, thumbing at the slightly stubbled skin, before drifting his fingers over Wonwoo’s cheek, slightly pinching it. “Ikaw talaga,” ani ni Mingyu. 

“Syempre alam ko,” sagot ni Mingyu, nginingitian si Wonwoo. “But loving someone and wanting to be with someone can coexist independently, Wons.” 

Wonwoo’s breath caught on his throat. To think that Mingyu has ever thought of a life that there was a possibility that those things existed as separate entities in this lifetime weighed Wonwoo down; and to think that it became like that because of his own doing made it all more heavy. 

“Ngi, ‘yan na naman mukha mo oh,” biglang wika ni Mingyu, nakasilip sa mga mata ni Wonwoo. 

“Anong mukha?” ani ni Wonwoo. “Wala naman ah, I’m not making a face.” 

“Halata sa mukha mo na nalungkot ka, Wons,” sagot ni Mingyu. “Hayaan mo na. Sorry dapat hindi ko na yata sinagot – baka wala na kong chance sa’yo niyan,” biro ni Mingyu. 

Hindi sinasadyang kumurba ng labi ni Wonwoo pabaligtad; at maya-maya, may luha na sa mata nito. Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Mingyu, sabay hablot sa kamay ng asawa niya. 

“Lab, love, hala,” natatarantang wika ni Mingyu, pinipisil ang palad ng asawa. “Tahan na, mahal ko, baby,” 

Mingyu was starting to list down all the pet names he had for his husband. Tatayo na sana si Mingyu nang hinawakan ni Wonwoo ang kamay nito, at saka tumawa. 

“‘Wag, ‘wag ka tumayo, sorry,” tawa ni Wonwoo, mabilis na pinupunasan ang luha. Potangina, ‘wag na nga ang tagal na nun. “Napuwing lang.” 

“Asus,” ani ni Mingyu. “Sorry, hm?” 

“Wala na, sira na date natin,” ani ni Wonwoo, nagbibiro. 

“‘Sorry, ‘di ko na dapat sinagot,” 

“Okay lang, ano ka ba,” singhot ni Wonwoo. “Um, for the record, I want you to know that I love you and I want to be with you…like, exclusively – in case I haven’t told you enough.” 

Tahimik si Mingyung pinakinggan ang linya ng asawa. 

“Wonwoo, kinilig ako,” tanging sagot niya lang. “Kilig na kilig ako, paano ba ‘yan?” 

“Puro ka na naman biro.” 

“I love you too, Wonwoo,” ngiti ni Mingyu sa kanya. “Very much.” 

Nakalabas na ang buwan nang makarating sila sa labas ng gate ng bahay. Patay na ang ilaw sa sala at pansin nilang mag-asawa na sarado na ang pinto ng bahay. 

Hawak ni Mingyu ang mga bulaklak sa isang kamay, ang kabila naman hawak ang palad ni Wonwoo. Katatapos lang nilang maglakad-lakad sa kanto, nagpababa lang ng kinain dahil sa kabusuagan. Sa tagal na nilang magkahawak ang kamay, minsan, gusto sanang alisin ni Mingyu nang panandalian ang kapit, paano’y namasa na rin kasi ang kamay niya sa pawis. Kaso sa tuwing, sinusubukan niya, lalo lang humihigpit ang hawak ni Wonwoo. 

“Pasmado na ko,” natatawang sabi ni Mingyu nang sinubukan muli. “Pagkapasok sa bahay, promise,” 

Umiling lang si Wonwoo, ngayo’y kinakalikot ang gate para buksan ang padlock ng bahay gamit ang libreng kamay. 

“Ayaw,” wika niya lang.  

Natawa si Mingyu sa reaksyon ng asawa niya. Lakas maka-bagets? Panis ‘yang HHWW na ‘yan sa pinaggagawa nila. 

Nang marinig ni Mingyu ang kalabog ng bakal, akala niya matatapos na. Na bibitaw na si Wonwoo, para makapasok na sila sa bahay, at para makapagpunas na rin si Mingyu ng kamay. 

Ngunit, imbes na pumasok, yakap lang ang bumalot sa katawan ni Mingyu. Instintong gumalaw ang sarili niyang katawan, sinasalubong ang mainit na yakap ng asawa saka pinahinga ang ulo sa malapad na balikat ng asawa. 

Limot na ni Mingyu ang pasma sa kamay niya. 

“Namiss mo ko?” 

Mahigpit ang yakap ni Minyu sa likod ng asawa noong nagtanong siya. Nakapatong ang baba niya sa balikat ni Wonwoo, inaamoy ang pabangong niregalo niyang tila ba milyong taon na ang nakalipas. 

Napatawa nang bahagya si Wonwoo sa tanong ng asawa. 

Imbes na sumagot, binalot lang ni Wonwoo lalo ang mga braso nito sa likod ng asawa. Unti-unti, inabot ng mga palad ng nakatatanda ang leeg ni Mingyu, hinahawi ang maiksing buhok sa batok ng nakatatanda, saka siniksik lalo ang mukha ni Mingyu sa leeg nito. 

“Lagi naman.” 

☀︎

“Naku! Bawal po ‘yan, dada, papa! Talagang sa harap ng bahay!” 

☀︎

Circa 201x

“Ang pogi ni Piolo Pascual, lab,” ani ni Wonwoo sa nobyo. 

Maingay ang fan ng laptop ni Wonwoo matapos pagsilbihan ang mag-nobyo sa pagpplay ng pelikua ni Piolo at ng katambal nito. May tirang pancit canton sa maliit na mesang tabi ng double deck na kama, at hindi pa rin naghihiwalay si Wonwoo at Mingyu mula sa pagkapulupot nilang dalawa. 

Mainit sa loob ng dormitoryo ni Wonwoo, at mas lalong mainit dahil kahit na halos silaban na sila sa salangsang ng temperatura sa labas, talagang naisipan pa rin nilang dalawang magtabi sa masikip na kama, at talagang mag-kumot pa – kahit naka pantalon at jogging pants pa sila. 

“Lab, boyfriend mo ako, hindi si Piolo ah,” sagot ni Mingyu, hinahalikan ang pawising noo ni Wonwoo. 

“Bootleg version ka lab lab ko,” biro ni Wonwoo, pinapaliit ang sarili para magkasya sa yakap ng nobyo. 

“Aba talaga naman ah,” wika ni Mingyu, hinigpitan ang yakap sa boyfriend, bago paulanan ng kiliti ang tagiliran nito. 

Kahit pigilan ni Wonwoo ang tawa, wala rin naman siyang magawa kundi tuluyang pakawalan ang malalim na halakhak niya. Buti na lang siguro’t wala si Julian, ka-dorm ni Wonwoo, at baka nabato na siguro sila ng papel. 

“Jusko, buti wala talaga si Juls,” hingal na sambit ni Wonwoo, hinahabaol ang hininga. 

“Ba’t nga ba wala siya? Sabi niya makikinood siya ah.”

“Bangayan ulit sila ni Mackyboi, eh nagtampo yata talaga jowa niya, ‘yun nanuyo tuloy,” sagot ni Wonwoo sa nobyo. “Balew siya lab. Biniro niya ba naman na mag-U-US na raw, susunod daw sa tita niya doon.” 

“May tita pala siya sa US?” 

“‘Yun nga lab, wala siyang tita sa US.” 

“Ngi? E di ano nangyari?” 

“Umiyak si Macky.” 

“Ngi?” 

“Nakakatawa, kasi alam naman ni Macky na walang tita si Juls sa US eh. Kaya tawang-tawa ako nung nagkkwento si Julian kasi nakalimutan daw ni Macky na wala nga, ayun pinangunahan ng lungkot. Tuloy, napabyahe tuloy nang wala sa oras.” 

“Aba’y iyakin pala ‘yun,” 

“Wow, maka-iyakin ka, eh ikaw nga halos lumuhod na nung ‘di tayo nakapagsine last week.” 

“Subsob ka sa aral lab, e ako rin naman, sino bang hindi maiiyak dun, walang baby time.” 

Kinagat lang ni Wonwoo ang nakalabas na masel ni Mingyu. 

“Aray,” ungot lang ni Mingyu. 

Natahimik lang sila, nagmumuni-muni sa munting dorm ni Wonwoo. Malikot ang mata ni Wonwoo, palipat-lipat mula sa mukha ng nobyo, tungo sa pancit canton. Si Mingyu, napipikit na rin, gawa ng puyat mula sa eksam niya kaninang umaga. Wala pa siyang matinong tulog simula kagabi, kaya’t hinayaan na lang din ni Wonwoo na maglagi muna sa dorm niya (pagkatapos magpaalam kay Juls, syempre). 

“Naisip ko lang mahal,” umpisa ni Wonwoo. “Do you think, pag naghiwalay tayo, magiging ganon tayo sa kanila?” 

“Ha?” tanong rin ni Mingyu pabalik, hinahawi ang buhok ni Wonwoo, sinusubukang alisin ang antok sa sistema nito. 

Anong break break? isip niya nang mapagtanto kung anong pinagsasabi ng jowa niya. 

“I mean, do you think aabot tayo sa inabot nila? You know, fighting, being petty,” tuloy ni Wonwoo. 

“Love, I don’t think ganun naman ugali natin sa kanila,” komento ni Mingyu, saka inalis ang kumot na gamit nila. “Ang init, mahal, sorry. Yakap na ulit.” 

Sumunod si Wonwoo sa sinabi ng jowa at muling inayos ang patong ng ulo sa balikat ng nobyo, bago muling pumulupot sa katawan nito. 

“Hmm, totoo. Malayong-malayo nga, Min. Malamang, wala naman tayong pang-Spain eh. Pero hypothetically, nga, kung maghihiwalay tayo, do you think we’d end up with different people?” 

Mingyu snorts at Wonwoo’s insistence. 

“Aawayin mo ‘ko pag sinagot ko yan eh,” tawa ni Mingyu. “Tsaka bakit ba magbbreak, hindi naman tayo magbbreak!” 

“Hindi nga kita aawayin!” natatawang sagot ni Wonwoo. “Saka hypothetical nga eh.” 

Mingyu sighs. He stares at his boyfriend, before shifting his gaze towards the bed on the upper bunk. 

Mingyu thinks for a moment, trying his best to come up with a sensible answer. He honestly can’t think of anything. He’s never thought of living a future without Wonwoo anyways. 

“Well, sige, hypothetically, I think – at some point in our lives, baka magka-misunderstanding tayo, true. I think, there might even become a time na baka magbreak tayo, totoo rin ‘yun — pero I think sobrang unlikely non, Wons. Anyway, ang laki ng mundo, ‘di ba, para sa’ting dalawa. Ang daming posibilidad na we might be in a situation similar to them,”  

Mingyu gazes at his boyfriend, only to find Wonwoo staring right back. It just makes Mingyu’s answer a more concrete; compact. 

Wonwoo’s eyes alone could give him the solidity of the future he’s dreamed of; of the answer he has. 

“But, I don’t think we'd end up like them. I don’t think we’d end up with other people. I think we'll still find a common ground – a means to find our way back to each other. Ulit-ulit, pero sa tingin ko tayo pa rin talaga. I mean, oo na hopeless romantic na kung hopeless romantic, pero masyado yata kitang mahal para pakawalan ko, alam mo ‘yun, lab? I don’t think I’ll ever be in a position where I’d willingly give that up; and I also don’t think you’re like that too, Wons,” 

Mingyu poked his nose. 

“May tiwala ako sa’tin. May tiwala ako na may tiwala ‘din ‘yung universe sa’tin, gets ba?” 

Wonwoo slaps Mingyu’s finger away from the tip of his nose. 

“Red string of fate?” tanong ni Wonwoo. 

Mingyu thinks that red strings of fate are cliche. Overrated. Kahit putulin ‘yang red string of fate na ‘yan ng kung anumang dagok sa bahay, baka si Mingyu na mismo ang gumawa ng paraan para habiin ‘yan pabalik. 

Pero hindi naman kailangang malaman ‘yun ni Wonwoo. Nagkibit-balikat lang si Mingyu. “Siguro. Pero applicable ba ‘yun pag lagi kitang pinipili, Wons?” 

That’s when Wonwoo smiles the sweetest. Hindi man halata sa maliit na pagbabago sa sentimetro o anggulo ng labi ni Wonwoo, kabisado na ‘yan ni Mingyu. 

Kinikilig ang baby niya. 

“Weh? Kahit masungit ako minsan?” tanong ni Wonwoo. 

Tumango lang si Mingyu. 

“Kahit inaaway kita pag gutom ako?” isa pang tanong ni Wonwoo. 

Tumango muli si Mingyu. 

“Talaga? Kahit laos ako makipag-usap minsan?” 

Tinaas ni Mingy ang kamay saka nilagay sa puso, bago muling tumango. 

“Kahit minsan ang dali kong sumuko?” huling tanong ni Wonwoo. 

Sunud-sunod ang pagtango ni Mingyu, dinaig pa ang mga bobble head na naka-display sa taxing sinakyan niya nakaraang linggo lang. 

“Masyado na ‘kong sanay na kasama kang umidlip sa lib, at masyado na rin akong sanay ikaw ‘yung katawagan ko saka  laging tine-text ko ng ‘good night’ o ‘good morning’.” 

“So sinasabi mo na magiging tayo lang kasi sanay ka sa’kin?” 

“Wonwoo, nasanay naman kasi ako sa’yo kasi ginusto kong matutuhan ‘yun,” ngiti ni Mingyu sa kanya. “Kaya, ang pinupunto ko lang dito ay ikaw lang talaga. Forever and ever and ever.” 

“Corny!” 

Mingyu snorts at Wonwoo’s reaction. Corny daw, talaga lang! That’s his lover! The love of his life! The one and only person for him!  

“Nagtanong ka eh! At alam mo, Wons? I wouldn’t have that any other way. Promise, bibigyan kita ng palasyo, ng cafè, ng baby — kung gusto mo — ng lahat! Ibibigay ko lahat lahat.”  

Napahagikgik lang si Wonwoo sa mga sinabi ng boyfriend niya. College and yet here they are, making promises about the future they’ve yet to have. 

“So gusto mo palagi ako lang gino-good night at good morning mo?” 

Mingyu holds Wonwoo’s eyes intently with his own. It’s as if he can already see days of his past and future lives in them. And as crazy as Mingyu seemed, he sees it clearly already. 

“Oo naman. Good night, good morning, good evening, good afternoon. Lahat-lahat, gusto ikaw kasama kong sasalubong sa iba’t ibang oras tsaka panahon.” 

Wonwoo gives him the widest smile he’s ever seen. “Promise?” 

“Promise!”