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“What are you doing here?” I ask the cutie boy here at the park, he's sitting at the bench looking around like a lost kid.
“I’m waiting for my boyfriend” He casually said then smiled at me. He looks, free and clueless.
But I’m your boyfriend. God knows how much I wanted to say those words, but I chose not to, not with his situation, not in this place where he can ran away.
“Do you want me to take you to your boyfriend?” I ask him. He looks at me with pure innocent, then look away again, “No thanks, my boyfriend told me to wait him here, he's just somewhere, buying some ice cream” He utters again. He's right, I told him that, but its been 3 years since that day happened.
“Let’s go, your boyfriend told me to pick you up” I said then guide him to stand up, at first he seems hesitant, but it slowly fade and form a familiar smile, that sweet and soft one I love looking at.
“Really??? Okay, let's go, I miss my handsome boyfriend already” Excitement is visible is his voice, and that's enough for me to know that he still love me— the he still cares.
I won't deny that it hurts me so much knowing that he knows he have a boyfriend but didn't know who— I am tired, sometimes I just want to disappear even just for a day, thinking that maybe this is just a pure hallucinations, that when I came back everything will be normal again.
I hate seeing him suffers, I hate the fact that I can't do anything with his disease, all I can do is stay beside him, pretend someone he doesn't know, even though in my memory he's the only person who knows me so well— He's struggling with Alzheimer's disease for 2 years now, we didn't understand at first, because as far as we know only those old people get that disease, but turns out even the young one can have it.
It's exhausting looking for him everyday, he love going out when no one is looking, he often go to the places we used to be, saying he's waiting for his boyfriend to return even though I'm already in front of him. And here I am again now, dealing with him, because that's the promise I give him and to his parents.
“I want some strawberries, can I have some Phi?” A voice interrupt me from behind, he's at the kitchen looking for something in the fridge.
“No, I buy them for my boyfriend” I playfully said, and then not even a second past I already see him running towards me with the strawberries in his hands. “But, I'm your boyfriend, right?” His words makes me froze. Yes he remembers me sometimes, but it only happens once in a while, sometimes just 3 times in a month.
“Yes baby, you're my boyfriend” I said tapping my lap to let him sit. A moment like this need to be cherished, I always cherish it, because I know there's a possibility that I can't experience it again. Without a word, he sit between my thighs while eating the fruit he get from the fridge.
“I love you, Gemini, I always do” He stated that left me stunned. “Hey love, why are you crying? did I say something wrong?” He asked while wiping the tears away in my face— I didn't even notice that I'm already crying, not until he mentioned it.
Without words, I kiss his forehead, cheeks, nose, his entired face. I can hear his giggles but I continue anyway. I miss him, I miss my boyfriend so much, I miss everything about him.
“I love you baby, I love you so much, I'm always here for you” I said then kiss his face once again. I have no words, I don't know what to say, I just want to cherish this moment so much. God please, let him recover from this disease.
“Love, is there something wrong? I'm here, I won't left you okay? Now, look at me, I want to see your handsome face” With his words I smile, genuinely, I know he won't leave, but of course he’ll forget me, maybe next second, minute, or hour and what scares me.
“I know baby, I know” I answered him with a smile then messes his hair. He's smile drops and slap my hand, not that strong just a simple one, “Hey, don't” He said the whine a little, he's the cutest person I've even seen.
“You look so cute baby” I said then bite his cheeks playfully that lead him to giggle a little. “I know, I'm the cutest one” He stated, then he yawn.
“Are you sleepy, baby? do you want to sleep?” I ask him, though I don't want him to sleep, is it selfish? I'm just overthinking, what if once he woke up he forget about me again? what if I need to stay by his side as a stranger to him, not a boyfriend he loves? I'm scared, and that hurts.
“Hmm, I'm sleepy” He yawns again, now resting his head in my shoulder and then without other words, I feel his breath becoming heavy, that's when I know he's asleep now.
I place him gently in our bed, kissing his forehead before lying down beside him. I'm afraid to close my eyes, because what if tomorrow when I wake up, he's not here again? That I need to find him again, that thoughts drained me.
And just like I thought, when the morning arrived he forget about ky existence again, he's now here in the garden of our house talking to munmuang and jumu— our cats.
“Do you know where your dada is? I miss him already, can you help me find him?” I heard him talk. “Do you know there's a strawberry in the kitchen, you can eat them, or some apple, you can choose, there's a lot of fruits” He continue then laugh when the cats meow at him then run inside— in my direction to be specific, that's when Fourth realized I'm here, watching them.
“Oh, it's you again mister, what can I do for you?” He stated, mister huh, that sht hurts if I'm being honest.
“Nothing” after I answered he just nod his head then proceed to run towards the kitchen, to play with the cats.
The next day I'm a total mess, running everywhere to find Fourth, he left early in the morning, when I'm sleeping, I didn't bother to tell his parents, i don't want to worry them since I'm the one who insisted to look after their son— my boyfriend.
“Gemini, come here at the beach near your house, he's here” Phuwin stated, my friend that I called to help me find Fourth. I droved there fast, faster than I can tell.
When I arrived I found Phuwin talking with Fourth about something and without a word I run toward them, mindlessly pulling Fourth for a hug, I don't care about the things he'll think right now, all I want to do is hug him. I'm worried, so worried.
“Hey, why are you hugging me? Do I know you?” He asked cluelessly.
“He’s your boyfriend I'm talking about” Phuwin stated beside him.
“Really? Wow, you're handsome, I can believe it” He said then hug me. “Let’s play with the water? Love, let's go” He invited while pulling me towards the sea, just a few meters away. When I look at Phuwin he just nod his head and signal me that he'll leave now.
That day is the most memorable thing I can imagine ever since he developed his disease, but like they always say, happiness don't last forever.
The days after that become more tiring, he's been going out daily, and sometimes I just want to let him and just mind my own business, but that's not what my mind say. I always ended up scolding him, saying some hurtful words without thinking about his feelings, like now.
“Fuck it Fourth, I'm tired already, can you just please stay in one place?” I shouted at him, not because i wanted to, but because I can't take it anymore. I'm tired, so tired of this daily routine— waking up to find him, to cook for him, and even force him to take a bath, it's draining me.
“You’re tired?” He asked, with a soft voice. “Yes, so tired of this set up” I answered harshly, I know I'll regret this tomorrow, but I can't do anything, I can't control my feelings, I can't control myself, not now.
“Then leave, I don't even know you, and I don't know your motive, the reason why you always shows up in every places I went” He responded, with a steady voice, sharp face and then he started to walk— towards our room.
Because of the pain that I'm feeling, I decided to sleep at the guest room, the room beside our room, and maybe because of the chaos in my mind, I sleep without even knowing it.
* ring ring
A ring disturb my sleep, it's not that loud, just enough to wake me up.
“Gemini” I heard mom’s (Fourth’s mom) voice, shaking, like he's nervous.
“Mom? Anything happened? Why are you nervous?” I asked her— nervously, her shaking voice make me feel uneasy.
“Do you know where Fourth is?” She asked, trying her best to be calm, but Gemini noticed it, of course he did, that's the exact voice Fourth have— his boyfriend.
“He’s sleeping in our room, why mom?” I answered now starting to get up walking towards the room I mentioned. After I answered, mom starting crying, I can hear it, and it makes me more uneasy, I feel like something wrong is going on.
When I open the door of our room, I didn't see Fourth, not even his shadow, I started searching everywhere, I roam around the house, while shouting his name.
“Mom, what happened? Where's Fourth? Please answer me, mom, where is he?” I said, now crying.
“He- he’s gone Gem, he went out early in the morning, a car hit him and he's dead on arrival” and that's it, Gemini lost it, he sit down crying. “No, you're joking, I know you're joking, mom please tell me you're joking” he begs, not accepting the fact that was already served to his face.
“I hope Gem, I hope, come here at the Khunnoo Hospital” the last sentence Fourth’s mom stated before ending the call.
Lost in his world, doesn't want to get up, he keep on pinching his shoulder, praying that this is just a dream. A dream he don't want to remember. But then, he noticed the small paper peacefully lying in the table, he reached out for it, and after reading it, it breaks him more, regrets and what ifs flushed in his mind.
Dear Gemini,
Hello, my beloved Gem, I'm so sorry for all the things I caused you. I'm sorry for being a burden, I'm sorry for not being the perfect boyfriend you needed. I'll leave for now, I will give you some space. I can remember everything— for now, for this hours I'm writing this, I realized that I trouble you the moment this disease hit me. I don't hate you, I understand you, I know you're tired and if I'm here you're not able to rest. I'm really sorry, maybe next life I'm able to be the person you truly deserve, for now let's take a break, rest love and enjoy every minute- without me. I love you Gemini, I always do.
— Fourth
“You’re not a burden Fourth, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for saying those horrible things, baby please wake up, don't leave me” Gemini cried, infront of Fourth’s cold body, he didn't even know how he ended here, he just found himself crying infront of Fourth’s body.
Not all the stories are meant to have an happy ending, some stories just paused and become discontinued because of some aspects that affects are life. The best thing to do is move on— not because you forget about them, but because you know that's the thing they wanted you to do; be happy, and live your life to the fullest.
Gemini continue his life- without Fourth in his side, but will remain in his heart forever.