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Of the many things that he believed that he could never have or would never be allow himself to experience—family and meaningful relationships were among the two highest rated things. Secret agents didn’t have meaningful relationships and they certainly didn’t have families. Those were two things that would hold back and hurt an agent who was supposed to never be there in the first place. And yet—that wasn’t the life that he was living now. If anything, he was turning a new page in his life; one that he thought wasn’t possible for him.
Gone was the carefree and joking façade of 707 “Defender of Justice” and no longer did Luciel, a boy who grew into a man who accepted a deal without knowing the weight of his actions, have a place in this world—all what was left was just Saeyoung. Saeyoung Choi, a man who was trying to figure out just who that was again. He hadn’t been Saeyoung for so long and if he was honest with himself, he didn’t know what kind of man Saeyoung was…or should be. Typically by his age, that sense of self would have already been decided and he shouldn’t have needed to come up with that answer, but if there was anything typical about Saeyoung then maybe it would have just proved how mad this world was.
Fortunately he wouldn’t have to face his ever pending identity crisis alone—she was with him.
She had arrived suddenly and without warning only to be immediately being swept up in a story that she was never supposed to be originally a part of but somehow became the starring role. Without much trouble, she accepted the role forced upon her and acted beautifully. She got along with the others so well and so quickly that it seemed like she was a two in his binary world—something that couldn’t exist in his world without breaking everything. …but maybe she did break something, after all. She was bright as the sun and just as warm. Her sense of humor was one-of-a-kind and everything she did he couldn’t help but find himself becoming increasingly and genuinely endeared to. She was like the other puzzle piece that he never knew was missing from his box. …which is why he knew he couldn’t have her.
Thus he pushed her away. He revealed to her his “true” face—whatever that meant he really didn’t know—with all hopes of her being scared off. Yet, that wasn’t what happened at all. If exposing himself like that did anything, it just made her reach out for him more desperately. It was baffling as it was hard to keep up his act. She kept trying to pull out the real truth from him and making him confront parts of himself he had long thrown away and deemed impossible and unnecessary. He was dangerous; she believed him to be safe. He told her to trust no one; she held onto her faith in him as if it was the single truth in this world. He told her he didn’t care and that he didn’t have those emotions; she gave him space and persisted.
It had driven him near to the brink of insanity at the time. He hadn’t needed another thing to think about as he tried to prevent his sky from falling on top of everything he carefully cared for, but once his defenses were all broken down and everything about him left bare and the open for her to witness, her love for him gave him a new sense of duty. He was going to protect the person that he loved as well with his entire being. He didn’t care what it took but he was going to keep her happy and safe—give her the life she deserved. Honestly, he didn’t think he deserved her but she refused to leave and there was no pushing her away now. He was also going to somehow brave it all by uncovering the truth and saving his brother (with her by his side…as she told him and insisted).
The path towards the truth only led to more questions, confusion, and was far more dangerous than he would have ever wanted to put her in before it ultimately resolved itself dramatically. The resolution gave him answers that left him feeling bittersweet. The answers he got…if they could really be called answers were still not enough to satisfy him, but he had learned not be a greedy man. Having his brother back was his ultimate goal after all and he had succeeded. He had rescued his precious brother and even though he couldn’t ignore the damage done to him and the time that was lost they could slowly start to rebuild their relationship. (Time machines didn’t exist despite his best efforts to prove otherwise.) And through all of this, she remained by his side, quietly and gently comforting him through the whole ordeal. Staying out of sight and leaving him be to handle his brother per his request.
Then when the dust had settled, just a bit, he fully embraced the sweetness of the taste in his mouth—proclaiming proudly (and loudly) of his love for the unflappable woman who remained by his side and loved him regardless of who he was and for who he was all at the same time. Sure their romance was certainly under the category of “whirlwinds”, but with her he could feel like there were things worth living for again. With her, he could confidently say that he was happy… He could have all of the things that neither 707 nor Luciel could have. Saeyoung was a lucky man. What a world where Saeyoung Choi was blessed enough to have a both of the loves in his life by his side—the wonderful, caring soon-to-be wife and his brother. Even if he couldn’t marry her in space in a space station, the fact that he could spend the rest of his life with her was what most important in the end.
Luckier still was when she had reminded him of how he told her once how he wanted to have an actual family one day well after the air was finally clear of the dust and he could really breathe in the fresh air and was free of most of the demons from his past. They were just pretty words and fantasies spoken at the time but when she brought it up again—he was awestruck. Nonsensical words fell out of his mouth as he fumbled with metaphorical straws and asked her multiple times to repeat herself to the point where she joked that maybe she should just reconsider the whole idea entirely. He begged her not to and she laughed at his dramatics. There was no way she would have ever reconsidered. This was something that only she could give him.
A family. A family of his own.
Saeyoung Choi was being given the opportunity, yet again, to have something that he never would have thought possible. Of course the members of the RFA and his own brother were family but to have something—someone—wandering around as not only the proof of his existence but the continuation of his existence and would also remember him was beyond words and feelings he could explain in his vast banks of knowledge useful or not. He had playfully joked about starting right away if they were going to have more than just one half expecting her to shut him down and half using it to cover up for his own nervousness. Perhaps they’d have twins? The irony of the situation would not be lost on him if they did. But he should have learned by now that any kind of joke like that would be met with the utmost honest and playful eyes. …not that he complained.
And so they tried to start a family of their own and were met with success—as if there was any sort of doubt in his mind that there could be any failure. To say that the pregnancy was without any sort of complications would be too ideal and even though he thought he was prepared to handle what came along with it: the mood swings, the gas, the odd hours (that quite frankly made him remember the days where he worked as a hacker), the strange appetite… He was proved wrong on multiple occasions, but wasn’t that what he wanted? He wanted to have normal fights that normal couples had, so while stress mounted and misunderstandings were in abundance, he was still secretly glad he could experience this. He was also glad that she would still love him after all of it too. It was never a question if he would have; there would never be anyone else he’d love as he loved her.
So, nine months and a few extra days came and went and he finds himself standing in a hospital room with the woman he loves more than anything, a doctor, a wet nurse, and seeing the result of both him and his wife’s “efforts” kicking and screaming as it entered the world. “Healthy” he hears; “normal” he catches soon after. Healthy is what he wanted to hear. Normal too. His wife is smiling weakly as she pulls on his hand—she figures if there were any pain receptors left in it, it wouldn’t react to her squeezing anymore. The pulling snaps him out of the daze and he immediately turns his attention back to her and she beckons him to bend over. Was she okay? Did she need anything? Instead of asking for anything, she gently pulls away his glasses and wipes away tears he didn’t realize he was shedding. This was a kind of happiness that couldn’t be labeled or quantified.
It’s a few more hours that go by before they’re allowed to actually hold and spend time with their child. The nurse hands over the bundle of blankets and weakly moving awkward limbs for his wife to hold. She takes their child with ease and like magic any sort of fussing halts. He isn’t too surprised; there have been many nights where her touch is all that he needs to calm down himself and to ward off memories of the past. It’s a sight to behold nevertheless. He has his phone with him but he wants to keep this moment for himself forever. Their child. A girl, he hears. A precious, tiny girl with scraggly tuffs of auburn hair and eyes hopefully the same color of his wife’s.
It’s now that also he fully understands how people have a hard time deciding between their child and their significant other during times of crisis. The life they live now would never call upon that kind of situation but if he had to decide—he hoped that there would be a third option. Before he’d die for her without thinking much of it, but now he wants to live for her—for both of them.
He doesn’t even realize he’s standing there dumbfounded (once again) until he hears her voice calling out to him softly. Her hands are full so she can’t pull him closer but she doesn’t need to as he gravitates towards the scene. There’s a temptation to climb into the hospital bed with her but he figures he’d only get yelled at, so he settles for being as close as he can. Tentatively, he reaches out to touch tiny fingers and hands. And even though she appears to be sleeping, she grabs a hold of his finger with one of her hands. It makes his heart swell and he can hear his wife laughing softly. He must be making an idiotic face. (Later she’ll tell him that he was looking at their child with the same unbridled honest expression as he looked at her when he first wanted to leave his “existence” on her.)
They were so small…just tiny and delicate. All this time, he hadn’t said much of anything. He was too busy wanted to focus on capturing and remembering everything that was laid before him selfishly. Not to mention, being generally speechless. Sure, he could have made a few jokes here and there but they would have all ruined the moment. As he continues to look over the proof—the embodiment, his child—that he really did exist in this world and on this planet he realizes that there is something he should say. For a brief moment, he wonders if he heard anything when he was brought into this world. Probably not given his circumstances and how things turned out for him. That’s fine though, he’ll make sure that she’ll never know that kind of life. Just like with his wife, he’ll make sure that she lives a life without ever knowing what it’s like to be sad or to be in any kind of danger.
Slowly and softly with his wife humming a song he hadn’t heard before, he speaks:
“Hello,” he says voice cracking from being unused for so long and breaking under the weight of the overwhelming love he feels at this moment, “I’m Saeyoung; your dad.”