Work Text:
rozanov’s loon tattoo 🦆 @bettygr.81
new cen instagram video dropped, everybody say thank you harris
luca haas is my spirit animal @madeinswitzerlandhaas
look at my babyyyyyy
shane hollander rainbow tape @loulouloveshockey
funniest team in the league istg
darcy @ottcentaursfan29
none of these men know what a hear me out cake is… aunt may? lola bunny? all conventionally attractive.
boo-dram 👻 @boodssteak
I mean I get what you’re saying but some of those are cartoon animals
rozanov #1 fan @rozbear
I don’t understand how this game is supposed to work
darcy @ottcentaursfan29
rozbear istg
so normal about troy barrett @trooooy17
gritty is literally the only correct choice here.
love on ice @estherberg4ever
notice how bergy picked a character who looks just like stella 🥹 love is real
darcy @ottcentaursfan29
hate to tell you that but that’s really not how the game is supposed to work
all queer all centaurs 🏳️🌈 @hollanovtruther
coming out as a brony in your employer’s social media video is wild
pferdemädchen @haflingerhofunterberger
ich glaub es ist klar jetzt, wer flynn rider in einem live action rapunzel film spielen sollte
scott hunter is my daddy @kelseythepup
not scotty catching strays
all queer all centaurs 🏳️🌈 @hollanovtruther
the couple who goons together stays together
I post true hockey @hockeynewseveryday
I don’t understand why teams participate in this kind of clown show… they should focus on winning
boo-dram 👻 @boodssteak
babygirl they can multitask
fingers in his mouth friday @hockeysexy
[collection of pap shots of Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov and Scott Hunter. Most of them have seemingly been taken in New York outside the Kingfisher.]
rozanov’s loon tattoo 🦆 @bettygr.81
not the threesome allegations
scott hunter is my daddy @kelseythepup
where is the sex tape leak when we need it
shane hollander rainbow tape @loulouloveshockey
can we please be normal about this? just because they’re all queer doesn’t mean they all had sex
all queer all centaurs 🏳️🌈 @hollanovtruther
haven’t you heard about the mandatory MLH gay orgy? it happens every first sunday of the month. it’s part of the diversity program.
rozanov #1 fan @rozbear
is this real?
darcy @ottcentaursfan29
rozbear i am genuinely worried about you atp
---
Scott uses his social media like a fifty year old midwestern mother of three who’s a very active member of PFLAG. He’s still on facebook, for fuck’s sake.
Kip has known this for the entirety of their relationship.
And he gets it, he really does: at Scott’s level of fame, combined with having been the first Out Gay player in the league, social media is kind of like a swamp.
And so, Scott pays someone to manage his official Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and whatever else he’s on, and only very, very occasionally takes a brief detour into the world of the internet, on secret accounts which he only uses to look at hockey news or outdated reaction memes à la ermahgerd.
He listens to podcasts and reads books and newspapers on his phone otherwise. It’s all very endearing and aesthetic in a charming way only Scott could pull off.
However.
However.
This means Scott possesses very little literacy when it comes to internet culture. He’s like that uncle holding his phone at arm’s length to read the meme you try to show him. And then asks what the meme is supposed to mean, and why it’s funny.
Kip has learned that, for most jokes, explaining them really kills the humor.
Scott laughs, anyway, because he’s just the sweetest man on the earth and has endless patience when he listens to Kip trying to explain why someone ‘dying in a glue trap’ or a photo of an oversized beetle in a bed is funny.
So, when he says, “My love, have you seen the video?” he deeply hopes the answer is yes. He also deeply curses both Harris and the Hollander-Rozanovs for putting him into this situation.
“What video?” Scott asks, turning away from the tv and looking up at Kip with his sweet, innocent eyes.
Oh boy.
“The one the Centaurs posted,” Kips says, coming to a seat next to his wonderful husband.
“Oh, no, I haven’t,” Scott smiles, immediately starting to massage Kip’s ankles when he puts them into his lap.
“I’ll show you.” Kip pulls the video up on his phone, holding it out to Scott. “They did this viral game which is called a Hear Me Out-cake. You’re supposed to put down like, people or creatures you think are low-key kind of hot.”
Scott frowns at him. “Creatures?!”
“Some people put characters from animated shows, or other stuff. It’s supposed to be a ‘Hear me out on why this is attractive-’ thing.” Kip thinks this is really putting his art history degree to good use right now. “It’s a bit abstract.”
“I think I get it,” Scott tells him, reaching out for Kip’s phone.
“You’ll get it when you watch it,” Kip promises, hoping it’s true. He presses play.
Scott frowns at the screen with a confused little smile, then chuckles at the edits.
When Haze starts, he frowns. “But she’s beautiful?”
“Yes, they’re almost all playing it wrong,” Kip explains, “I guess he thought of her for Hear Me Out because she’s a bit older.”
Scott pulls a face of disapproval.
“You know how straight people are,” Kip adds, and Scott gives a little knowing nod.
After another moment of watching, he goes: “That’s a bunny!” Then, with a face, “That’s a children’s show.” and then, with genuine confusion, “That’s just a hand!”
“See, you’re starting to get it.” Kip rubs Scott’s shoulder.
“...that’s a fish.” The Jurassic Park edit gets the first real bark of laughter out of Scott, which turns into a grin when Shane and Ilya show up on-screen, bickering.
“I wonder what they’ll write.”
Kip bites his lip.
“Gritty?!” Scott asks over the echo of Harris’ screaming from the phone speaker.
Kip shrugs. “Maybe if you’re into hairy men.”
Scott gives a considering shrug and hum.
“Aw, look at Luca.” Scott keeps watching with a little smile. “Okay, that’s cute.” Then, “Aww, that’s so sweet. That guy does look like his boyfriend. It’s so nice they kept this in the video. Is this why you wanted me to watch it?”
Oh no.
“Um, yes. But also, keep watching.”
Scott turns his attention back to the screen, where Shane and Ilya are bickering again.
“These two.”
The cards with Scott’s name on them go down.
Scott’s eyes widen. “Me?!” he asks in a betrayed tone, voice breaking from the outrage. “Me?!” He gasps for air, and Kip can’t help but laugh.
“I am NOT a Hear Me Out!”
“You aren’t!” Kip says quickly, still laughing, putting his hands firmly on his husband’s heaving (muscular, sexy) chest. “They played the game all wrong!”
Scott huffs, half-offended, half-laughing. “These little shits. Rozanov, I expected no better. But Hollander?!”
“Must be the bad influence,” Kip says lightly.
Scott hands back Kip’s phone, huffs, and crosses his arms. “Rude.”
“Yes, the children must be disciplined,” Kip sighs, which does get a laugh out of Scott.
“Those cocky rookies.” Scott shakes his head disapprovingly.
Kip gently runs his hand over Scott’s neck. “I bet if you asked them, Roz would say something like,” he puts on a bad russian accent, “Is because he is a million years old!” Scott rolls his eyes, “And then if you ask Shane, I’m sure he’ll say something sweet and press-ready about how he only wants Ilya but he had to pick someone, so it’s a Hear Me Out.”
Scoff scoffs. “So I’m a Hear Me Out because I’m old?”
“Okay, you know what,” Kip shakes his phone in the air, “Let’s ask them, because I don’t like this facial expression.”
Hockey Stonewall 🏳️🌈🏒
Kip: my husband is NOT a Hear Me Out. You will be hearing from our lawyers.
Harris: I would like to be kept out of this please. I was just doing my job.
Harris: But for the record, I agree. He isn’t.
Ilya: is though
Ilya: is like godzilla
Ilya: hot dinosaur
Luca: there’s nobody who’s less of a hear me out than scott hunter
Luca: [deleted message]
Troy: we’re at a team event and maybe it’s time to cut Luca off from the champaign
Harris: YOU don’t have to be drunk to want to fuck gritty
Troy: not this again
Kip: no I’m with Troy on this one, I get it. Also, Harris, I hate to say it but…
Harris: I’m blocking you, oh my god.
Kip: it’s the beard and the hair.
Troy: thank you for supporting me
Harris: ask gritty to marry you then
Scott: We have glossed over the fact that Rozanov is attracted to Godzilla too fast, I think.
Ilya: is old dinosaur in new york of course
Kip: rozanov stop flirting with my husband
Luca: ilya do you know you are older than me by way more than scott is older than you? :)
Kip: wrecked by the child, rozanov
Ilya: lies
Luca: i had your poster on my wall when i was 15 bc you were a whole ass adult at that point
Scott: I like champagne-Luca.
Kip: rozanov found dead in a ditch
Harris: 🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏 so sassy!
Ilya: [typing] [typing] [typing]
Harris: Luca, you got him I fear
Scott: Proud of you, Luca.
Shane: Scott, the reason I wrote down your name is because you were like a mentor to me, like a role model, so it kind of felt like a Hear Me Out. Y’know, when you respect someone too much.
Scott: Aw, I appreciate it. You’re my favorite rookie.
Shane: :)
Ilya: you fucking ass-kisser
Kip: do you mean kissass
Ilya: is same!
Harris: it’s really not, buddy.
Kip: not to brag but I predicted both of these answers.
Scott: My psychic husband.
Kip: with my psychic powers I am predicting that everybody has a crush on you
Harris: everybody but my fiancé, who just wants to fuck gritty
Troy: jesus christ
Harris: you wanna fuck him too?
Luca: i think everybody in this gc is currently drunk
Scott: No, but I kinda wish I was
-
Philadelphia Flyers Official Instagram Account
The video begins with a shot of a room which has a very flimsy fold-up table positioned in the middle of it. On the table, a cake has been placed.
Gritty walks in, standing behind the table.
Silently, he places a wooden skewer with a piece of paper attached in the cake.
The camera zooms in. The accompanying silence gives the whole video an eerie feel.
On the card, it says “Troy Barrett”.
The camera zooms out. Gritty stands there, menacingly.