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Steven notices it in the way she washes dishes. While normally, she does it mindlessly, humming a tune to keep her mind occupied—now, she scrubs each plate until the enamel wears off. She scrubs them until they lose their shine, until she can no longer see her reflection in them. And, when she notices that she has ruined another plate, she tries very hard not to let tears fall into the dirty dishwater.
Garnet notices it in the way she has started to cling to her arm on missions. She is tense and worried, and her grip is tight, and Garnet can almost hear the words in her mind saying, (Please don’t leave, please don’t leave, please don’t leave, please don’t—). She wonders if she’s not going to leave her side if a fight breaks out, but she always does. It’s their job after all. And, everyone knows that Pearl needs a purpose.
Amethyst notices it in the way she doesn’t pick fights with her anymore. She sets it up perfectly—talking too loud, eating too much, breaking things, doing dangerous stunts—but Pearl doesn’t notice. She might look up from the menial task she had been doing, but she never engages. It drives Amethyst up the wall. It makes her desperate. She wants to have someone give her validation in any way possible, and their banter always provided that. But, now, she doesn’t seem to care enough to even open up her mouth.
Pearl has changed somehow, and no one can place what is different. They know this happens from time to time, that Pearl often disappeared within herself, but it has never been this bad. It has never been biting back tears while cleaning everything again and again and again. It has never been small, delicate fingers gripping around a sturdy arm, fear in all parts of her physical form. It has never been an absence of self, a lack of personality, a distinct move away from reality.
They want to ask why, they want to ask what happened, but they don’t know how to identify it. It’s not any one thing. It never has been. It has always been something that is hard to put a finger on. It’s just gotten so much worse.
It wouldn’t be so awful if they didn’t need her so badly. Garnet cannot be the only one to hold them together. Amethyst cannot be left to her own devices. Steven cannot be down another mother. They need her back, but they don’t know where she’s gone. She’s standing right there, and yet, she’s nowhere to be found.
Garnet tries.
“Pearl.” Her voice is a deep hum that wakes Pearl from her daze.
Pearl has made the habit of staying in the kitchen during the night. Steven won’t let her watch him sleep, so she sits at the counter and waits for the sun to rise. It seems terribly lonely.
“Yes, Garnet?” Her hands are folded neatly on the counter. She makes it seem like nothing is wrong.
“What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
Garnet had been afraid of this. She had seen a possibility where Pearl came right out with it and broke down into sobs, but there had been another possibility where Pearl feigned normalcy. She guessed that she was receiving the latter.
“You’ve been acting—” she pauses, unsure of the right words to say, “—different.”
“Oh.” Her wide eyes seem bewildered, like she hadn’t noticed the changes within herself. Maybe she hadn’t. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been meaning to.”
“That’s—you don’t have to apologize.”
Garnet watches Pearl struggle to keep another apology from passing her lips.
“We’re just worried about you, Pearl.”
“Well, there’s no need to be. I’m fine.”
Yes. Fine.
“Pearl.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
Garnet sighs, wishing she had just come right out with it. The moment had passed. She decides to let it drop.
Steven and Pearl walk along the beach, half looking for a corrupted gem and half enjoying the other’s company. Steven notices that Pearl looks to be lost in thought, her eyes staring straight ahead but also reflected inward. The small boy is very in tune with emotions, and he has been worried that Pearl is not okay. But, he can’t figure out why he feels that way.
Besides the obvious.
“Hey, Pearl.”
“Hmm?”
“What’cha thinkin’ about?” His tone is almost musical, but it is only to hide his own uncertainty.
“Oh, not really anything in particular,” she lies gracefully, eyes flickering back to life. “Why do you ask?”
“You seem sad,” he murmurs, kicking a rock down the sandy path they’ve been following.
“O-Oh, n-no, I’m sorry I gave you that impression. I’m quite fine.”
She keeps saying that. Does she think if she says it enough that they will believe her? Or, maybe she’s trying to convince herself. Either way, it’s harrowing to keep getting the same response no matter who asks the question.
“Are you sure? You’ve been extra quiet lately.”
“Yes, Steven. I’m sure.”
“Alright.”
They continue to walk along the beach. They don’t find the corrupted gem, so they return home.
Which turns out to be a mess. Courtesy of Amethyst herself.
If this were any other day, with any other Pearl, there would be a screaming match. That was probably why she did it. But, to Amethyst’s horror, Pearl is relieved. She gets straight to work, picking up loose articles of clothing, cleaning dirty dishes, scrubbing some unidentified scum off the floor.
Amethyst doesn’t like this. She decides she’ll initiate the fight because Pearl isn't going to.
“Dammit, Pearl!”
She looks up from the floor panel she had been washing, lips pursed in feigned disgust.
“Amethyst, watch your language.”
“No! How ‘bout you stop being such a freak and start acting normal again!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She looks nervously at Steven, who is playing video games, acting like he’s not listening intently to the show down below.
“Like hell you don’t! You act like you can just ignore me—well, guess what? You can’t!”
Pearl looks exasperated.
“Amethyst, I promise that I am not actively trying to ignore you.”
“Then, what is this—” Her short purple arms extend outwards, gesturing to the half cleaned living space. “You’re not even going to say anything about it? I completely wrecked the whole house!”
She looked around, almost like she hadn’t noticed.
“Well, yes, but it happened, so there’s no use fighting over it. It’s not like it will get it clean any faster.”
Her words are so logical and calm that Amethyst can only throw up her hands, growl in anger, and escort herself to her room.
Pearl cleans the rest of the house in silence. By the time she’s done, it’s cleaner than it has been in years, and the sun is about to rise again.
Garnet has decided that enough is enough. She is sick of seeing possibilities where nothing gets resolved, where tensions and resentment run unchecked. It’s almost as exhausting as actually experiencing the events.
She decides to take the future into her own hands.
It’s a hazy afternoon that she finds Pearl still looking for that corrupted gem (the one that everyone is beginning to doubt the existence of), walking up and down the beach.
It starts the same way it always does.
“Pearl.”
Those big eyes of hers meet with Garnet’s visor.
“Yes?”
“I don’t want to push you, but your behavior is having an effect on the team dynamic.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“You’ve been acting differently, and we are all very worried. I was waiting for you to bring it up yourself, but I see very few possibilities where that actually happens.”
She looks uncomfortable.
“I-I still am not sure what you’re talking about.”
Garnet sighs loudly, like she’s annoyed. She’s not really annoyed, per say—more like she is confused as to what could be bothering Pearl enough that it’s changing her behavior, yet she’s unwilling to talk about it. Or, maybe she’s just being stubborn, just doing it for the attention. Garnet would hate to believe that were true, but it wasn’t the first time that Pearl had acted out as a means to garner sympathy.
She doesn’t understand why, though. They’re plenty willing to give her the attention she wants. It’s like she’s trying very hard to push everyone away.
“Pearl. I’m giving you an opportunity to get whatever it is out in the open. I don’t want a repeat of last time—”
“O-Oh, no, I promise that would never happen again. I’ve learned my lesson.” She hardly even wanted to think about Sardonyx, let alone entertain the possibility that she would have to relive that pain again.
“Then, what is it? I want to understand.”
Pearl looks like she is five seconds away from completely imploding. It’s almost like her lips are forced together to physically bite back the words that she looks desperate to share.
“A-Are you sure you want to hear it?”
It was a strange question. Of course, she does. She is practically begging her to open up. But, the way she clutches her middle, the way she avoids making eye contact, the way she shuffles her feet—
Something is very, very wrong.
“Yes, Pearl. I do.”
Her gaze is fixated on the ground. The sand blows against her ankles.
“A-Alright.” She wrings her hands, trying to build up the wherewithal to physically get the words out. Her voice comes out small and mumbled when she finally speaks. “I-I’ve been having these strange thoughts, lately.”
“Thoughts? What kind of thoughts?”
“O-Oh, I’m not sure. They don’t seem to be mine. I don’t intend to think them. They just kind of pop in, and they’re very difficult to get out.”
Garnet feels her lips pressing into a hard line.
“I don’t understand.”
“Um—what I mean is, I—uh—I keep feeling the urge to—oh…” She keeps stumbling over her words, like they are rocks in the sand, placed there for her to trip over. Garnet waits patiently.
Pearl sighs, and the words finally fall out.
“I keep feeling like I ought to crack my gem.”
The words make the entire beach toxic. Garnet tries not to react, but she hears the halves of herself recoil in visceral terror. She had never heard of such a concept. The very idea is horrifying. Everyone fears that their gems would crack or that they would get shattered. No one wishes for it. It’s simply wrong.
Garnet doesn’t know what to say. Pearl keeps talking.
“I-I know it’s ridiculous. I don’t even know why I keep feeling this way. On Homeworld, it’s a crime to shatter yourself, but I’ve seen it done before. I’ve seen pearls purposely harm themselves against their Master’s orders, and I—”
Eventually, the words die on her lips, and they both look away, like they can’t stand to see each other like this. The warm wind feels like a dagger shooting through Pearl’s body.
“Why?”
It’s all that Garnet can get out. There is too much ruckus in her head.
“I-I don’t know. I don’t want to do it, not really. It just seems—oh, it seems so attractive. I know that it would be awful, and I wouldn’t really do it, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.”
Garnet remains silent, and it is worse than if she were screaming at her.
“You can tell me I’m being ridiculous, if you’d like. I know I deserve a lot worse than that. If you needed to yell at me, I wouldn’t even blame you.”
She doesn’t say anything.
Pearl gets more nervous. Her words bubble out of her chest like she’s been trying to press them down, bury them deep within her physical form.
“I-I promise I would never. I haven’t even tried. O-Okay, maybe I’ve tried a few times, but it didn’t even work! It’s fine. I promise I won’t anymore. I’ll try to stop thinking about it. I really will. I’ll try to be happier, too! I’ll try not to be so—different since it bothers everyone so much. I really don’t want to be a burden. I guess, that may be why sometimes I’d rather not exist at all—”
“Pearl.”
She stops talking, looking up at Garnet, bleary-eyed. If Garnet hadn’t known any better she might have thought that Pearl forgot that she had been standing there.
She stares up at her, two eyes fixated on three, and the silence feels like a wave from the ocean, threatening to knock them down and wash them away.
Before Pearl can stop herself, her face cracks into heavy sobs—sobs that are loud and ugly—sobs that tear at Garnet’s whole being. She cries and cries, and her tears are heavy and weighted. They fall down on the sand, tired and forgotten. She feels like she might break in half, that she may cry herself out of existence because she doesn’t know how to stop this emotion from flooding out of her. She had tried so hard to hide it for so long that it didn’t seem to have a clear end.
Large hands pull Pearl into an embrace. Garnet wonders idly if she might hug her too hard, poof her back into her gem form. She can’t find it in her to care. She holds Pearl as if she can physically keep Pearl from disappearing, from becoming bits and pieces, from becoming a dust cloud. Maybe if she holds her tight enough, she will never feel the need to bring herself pain or convince herself that she would be better off as nothing.
They stand there in silence, the sound of Pearl’s cries mixing with the ocean and the seagulls and the wind and the distant sound of humans.
Garnet desperately wants to make it better, but she doesn’t know how. She doesn’t even know where to start.
“What can I do for you?”
“N-Nothing—y-you c-can’t help me—”
“That’s nonsense, Pearl.”
“I-I just don’t know. I-I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s all s-so much.”
“I know.”
“I j-just want it all to be over.”
Garnet can barely understand her when her words sound more like sobs than language. Her hand runs softly through Pearl's hair, trying to be soothing in any way possible.
“I know things are hard, and I know you probably feel abandoned most of the time—”
“O-Oh, no, that’s not true. Everyone is s-so nice…”
“I want to make it better for you, Pearl. I want you to feel like you deserve to live without pain.”
Her words seem to make Pearl cry harder, and Garnet is not sure what she did wrong.
“Please, Pearl. Tell me what I can do.”
Pearl looks up at her again, and Garnet tries to ignore that she looks pathetically sad—face wet with tears, cheeks flushed aqua, nose running, eyes tired and worn. Garnet has the urge to scoop her up, and hold her in her arms, and never ever let her go. She’s never quite felt like that before, but her halves dimly acknowledge that they have.
Finally, Pearl speaks.
“You don’t have to do anything. J-Just don’t leave me.”
Garnet sucks in a breath even though she doesn’t need the air.
“I won’t leave you, Pearl. I never will.”
By the way she cries, Garnet has to wonder if she truly believes her.