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“Praise the great Seiros
O praise Cethleann’s love
But my sins are heinous
Aloof stand their holiness
To a saint in the present
My confession shall thus go
As one curious old story
Her ears may it please”
It is probably a truth universally acknowledged, that a plain old story is often coupled with a dramatic opening. Indeed, year 1179 came to an end as the fateful dawn marked the first encounter between three noble youths and Byleth the mercenary. That sounds like a cheesy start of a damsel in distress type of story, except that it was the prince named Dimitri and his company that were rescued. As luck would have it, the capable mercenary became a professor, but not Dimitri’s. According to her own preference, the silver-haired maiden from the empire was chosen.
The person who saved him left on Dimitri the first impression of “intimidating”. A mercenary who had no change of facial expression when she wielded a sword. Was that because she was too tough to react to any threat, or was her toughness itself a result of absolute indifference to life? Regardless, he suppressed the mild distaste inside and invited her out of gratitude and a responsibility as the crown prince to gather talents for the kingdom and the revenge. She did not accept, and all he felt was only slight disappointment.
As expected, she led her class to victory in one mission after another. How could the black eagles grow close with her so soon, after seeing the demonic way she fought in battles? And then came the mutiny of Lord Lonato and the dispute of the Gautiers- each of them requiring her intervention. He found her on a day off and apologised sincerely for his incapability. “These missions are part of my job”, she said curtly, “and they weren’t Dimitri’s fault to start with”. For a moment, he was taken aback, and then let out a breath for the first time in front of her. He attributed her lightheartedness to the nature of a mercenary, for she probably only saw the turmoils as no more than the routine fulfilment of the client’s quests.
It was until the commotion in Abyss that he actually realised his own mistake. She could have stayed away from the continuous trouble of that secret underworld, but instead she chose to protect those inhabitants in the shadows. Before he knew it, he was following her lead, awed by the special experience of being under her command. She was tough, so tough that he could trust her with his back, rely on her judgement, and even accept her protection. And she would only retreat from the battlefield after confirming that all the students had made it back safely.
Had he met her a few years earlier, some things would likely have turned out completely different- he sometimes found his own thoughts unreined when he watched her charge. Under her leadership, it took only days to end the commotion, and he couldn’t help but lament, with a little sense of guilt, that such a precious learning opportunity had passed all too quickly.
Most likely, she learnt about his habits from Dedue. Due to continuous lack of sleep and irregular eating schedule, one time he even passed out in the library till daylight hit. The next day, he saw Dedue knock on her door with a solemn look. He did not approve of how Dedue sought help from a professor of another house, but since then, she started paying attention to his daily life. Traditional Faerghus food was served on the table the next time she invited him to dine, and it looked barely appealing, but the second time after that, even Felix’s face lit up with appreciation as the blue lion took a bite. A belated realisation hit him that she had been learning. He finished the meal with mixed feelings, knowing that he did not deserve her efforts.
During her night patrols she would also chase him out of the training grounds, the library or wherever he shouldn’t be at that hour. After several of those nights he found a pattern, and would rest in the dorm when she was on duty, even if he’s not sleeping. Only once did he mix up the dates and bump into her in the dead of the night near the garden. By sheer luck, it happened to be a beautiful moon night, and he came up with the excuse that he was only taking a walk. To his surprise, she bought that.
Neither of them spoke at first, and despite her reticent nature, he could still feel something was off that night. Later, she mentioned hearing Hilda address Claude jokingly as “alliance leader” earlier that day, and suddenly realising how all the students would become distant existences after graduation. To be honest, he was slightly amazed, for he had never expected such a thing to tug her heartstrings. “Perhaps I should be a mercenary again for a chance to cross paths with you”- she made a deadpan joke, and continued honestly after several seconds of contemplation, “though the emperor, the king and the alliance leader likely need no extra battleforce.” He almost blurted out that he would welcome her either way, as the king or just Dimitri, but the two of them were already standing at the entrance of the dorms.
“Rest early”, she said, bidding goodbye. “Dimitri”, he heard her call him after he had turned to leave, and looked back to see her with a rare air of unease. “Do not tell Dedue about tonight... See you tomorrow.”
And in that moment, suddenly he chuckled. “See you tomorrow, Professor.”
Apart from the fundamental duties of a professor, she was also always busy with many other errands, barely taking any rest on the off days. For a few times he saw her disseminating the flowers grown in the greenhouse, once even followed by a resigned-looking Hubert. Just as he was astonished by the fact that the loyal retinue of the princess should serve at her command too, she came near him already and signaled him to wait. A bunch of blue flowers was picked out from the abundant harvest Hubert was holding, “these are meant for Dimitri”. So everyone has a share, he thought, but then she continued, “indeed this colour is always a reminder of Dimitri.”
Caught up in a slight daze, he did not reach for the gift immediately. “You do not want this?”, she asked, looking at him without even the faintest hint of displeasure. She was always so detached, and even in face of rejection, those icy blue eyes staring up at him were clear, even somewhat innocent. He had no other choice but to smile in a polite manner and accept the gift with gratitude. Hubert stood there observing him all the way with a pair of cold eyes. Born into nobility just like himself, clearly the man was familiar with the kind of smile usually worn to cover up secrets.
He did not like her way, did not like that he was just one of the students she treated equally, did not fancy how she teased a second of illusion out of him, and yet, he was clutching her flowers tightly in his hands. That night, he had a dream in which he sullenly took that person into his arms. “Dimitri, I cannot move like this”, she repeated, “Dimitri, I can hardly breathe”. But her face stayed stoic, for she was only describing the sensation on her body, and that heart remained unaffected. What if he applied more strength then? Perhaps she would finally frown in pain. That wouldn’t be ideal, but at least she would have to show some reaction to his existence.
So he kept tightening the trap, until her ribs cracked into pieces and organs melted into flesh. She dropped to the ground lifelessly, like every other toy that he had broken in childhood. In the end, he jolted awake, a heated body drenched in cold sweats, only to find, in the moonlight from the window, broken blue petals scattered all over the bed.
It is said that the Battle of the Eagle and Lion is destined to become the most unforgettable memory of the academy year, and indeed, that held true. The only difference that year was the one and only participating professor. Even Byleth herself protested that it was not a fair game. But he didn’t really care, not when he was finally to witness her valiance in battle again. But it was not until his classmates’ voices and movements all died down that she appeared out of nowhere, striking the last remaining unit of the blue lions. Before he could grasp the situation, he was already stepping backwards in defense. Does she always look her opponent in the eyes whenever she fights? Anyways, he was not expecting that one day he could stare back at her openly like this, so when she suddenly moved to glance in a different direction after a few rounds, enchantedly, his eyes followed.
And then, a silver glint was shimmering in his pupil, as the tip of her sword pointed straight at his right eye, stopping right before it would touch him and not wavering by a split inch. “Dimitri, you are out”, said she calmly, and just when he dropped the weapon and prepared to leave, he was snapped out of his daze by a white halo falling onto him. “Getting treatment between battles is also very important”, came her voice from behind, “You have great battle skills, but in battlefields, there are more tactics than frontal attack.”
“If that’s the case, how about mentoring me personally, Professor?”. Words escaped from his mouth before he could think straight and stop them, and instantly he was judging his own shamelessness. But then, she nodded slightly, “Alright”. It was at that moment that he first discovered that she was smiling. The rest of the day, he was thinking about her every minute, but by the time the three houses dined together after the event, he had not found another chance to be alone with her. She was surrounded in the centre of chattering students, lending one of her shoulders to a sleepy Linhardt while listening to Petra’s slow talk patiently. Incidentally, she cast a glance at the table of the three house leaders, and smiled faintly when their eyes met, perhaps for their secret agreement today, perhaps for no reason.
It struck him suddenly, that he didn’t even know when she had learnt to smile.
Their last encounter was at the gate of the monastery, when they passed by each other amidst chaos. Only after she had called his name several times did he turn around slowly. At that point, words already fell on deaf ears for him. Ever since the disclosure of Edelgard’s doings, it was like a flame fueled by accumulated resentment had been licking over his heart and eating up his senses, and he wouldn’t allow any thought in him besides beheading that woman. She walked towards him and studied his face carefully with those green eyes. It must have been obvious to anyone minimally observant that things were not going right these days, he sniggered at himself deep down, oh how funny he must look now after being betrayed and fooled for five entire years.
“Dimitri… you look pale”, she said, “did you not rest well at all?”. He did not reply. It was, after all, an old entanglement between Edelgard and himself, with which she had nothing to do. After a short moment of silence, she continued. “Three moons ago, when Jeralt died, you said you would help me find justice. I have been grateful.” This time, he finally lowered his head to look at her. He had no intention to take back the offer, but still, the abrupt mentioning of it confused him, until she added sincerely, “I wish to do something for Dimitri as well”.
For a split second, he was almost tempted to tell her everything, the hell in Duscur, his violence in Kingdom west, the secretive purpose behind his enrollment, the agony of living through these years. Over a fleeting moment of weakness, he failed to mutter a single word. She was already much better at showing feelings by that point, and so he just watched the worries on her face slowly turn into sadness by each second of his silence. Just when she was about to say something again, Cyril appeared. “Lady Rhea needs to see me now. Make no reckless move before I come back, will you?”, she cast him a deep glance, and hurriedly disappeared into the running crowds.
He was finally willing to believe that her gentleness towards students was not merely a response to the archbishop’s favour. Nothing should have made a difference, for they had somehow always positioned themselves in different realms- mercenary and crown prince, professor and student, black eagle and blue lion, successor of the Goddess and follower with ulterior motives- but that day, when he watched the way she ran to defend Officers Academy, realisation hit him. It was him who had been hesitating and indecisive all this time. He relied on her, and pushed her away; he wished to follow, and chose to avoid. But after this battle, he was going to tell her everything. Dimitri, what a coward.
If only he could rewind time, he would definitely go back to that day. On the last day of 1180, she vanished into thin air. Nobody found any trace of her even after a thorough search, and in a burst of fury he almost got into a fight with Caspar from the Black Eagle House. “What do you mean you ‘can’t find her anywhere’? Isn’t she your professor?”, he hissed, almost lifting the equally angry boy by the collar. Had it been up to him, had Byleth been the professor of the Blue Lion House, wherever she’s heading he would never have let go of her hand, or let her leave his sight.
Ferdinand rushed to separate the two, and managed to stop the blustering schoolmates with just one sentence -“Professor would never want to see this happen”. He was shocked to find himself not nearly as calm as this deputy house leader, and then he heard the young man say to Caspar in a lowered voice, “I believe Professor isn’t dead. She made a promise with us, remember?”. Caspar’s fists slowly unclenched at the words, while he became increasingly agitated. He didn’t know what kind of promise there had been between the black eagles and their professor, but one thing was clear- he was left out.
He admitted that he was a jealous man, and in that moment, all the jealousy finally exploded, those sapphire-like eyes seeing red. On an extravagant ball night three moons ago, he let out a breath when he saw her walk towards the Goddess Tower alone. But then, he caught this heir to Duke Aegir following her path quietly. She would not like a man of this type, he repeated to himself, but ended up spending the whole evening in a gloomy mood. He himself had one or two wishes to make too, wishes so luxurious that they would never be permitted by the Goddess. But if he had given in to his impulse, maybe he could have at least received a response from her. And out of kindness, she might have agreed that those were great wishes.
So he changed his mind. He’d rather rewind the clock to a year ago. This time, he would personally retrieve Claude who wandered to Remire Village in that Lone Moon, and make sure they missed the mercenary group resting there. Because she was not going to choose him anyways. Why had nobody ever warned him that loving someone is heartache, is suffocation, is blood boiling in flames, a soul beyond salvation. If not for her, he could have avoided facing the unquenchable loneliness filling the universe, and lived through his bitter, absurd existence covering his own eyes. But it was too late. He was in love with her.
He had a rough time after leaving Garreg Mach. Awaiting in his hometown was a carefully woven court conspiracy. Confined in a dungeon, he had no means to look for news about a particular person. Rather, most of the time he was trapped in a state of feverish trance thanks to all the torture and persecution he suffered. Following the compromised consciousness he started to see or hear her from time to time, and the less lucid he was, the more frequent the hallucination. He had no strength left to figure out his own mentality. Sometimes he hoped that she was still alive, but other times he hoped that she had died, in the role of an Officers Academy professor.
“Leave not”, he mumbled in delirium, “return not to Goddess’ side”. She looked torn at that, but eventually shook her head with a slight frown. All he could do was to kneel down at her feet and take her hand like a model of a most pious believer. He had a suspicion that this was actually punishment on him, because he should once have the audacity to fantasise a different possibility despite the knowledge of his inescapable dark destiny of doom, attempting to reach for the sacred light with a pair of shackled hands sticking out from endless night. Ever since her eyes had changed colour, the church was almost openly treating her as a successor, as a mission day to replicate the revelation of Saint Seiros was immediately arranged. He convinced himself that he would willingly become a disciple of Byleth, and on that mission day his entire heart flew to the Holy Tomb with her, yet deep down he knew that his intended role was never a holy warrior following Seiros, but rather the favoured, accomplished Great Emperor Wilhelm a thousand years ago who, according to countless tales and works of art, had taken into his arms the saint assisting him.
Never had the Goddess ever offered him a benevolent hand, so it was only natural that he would steal the Goddess' child away from her. That sounded just fair. But he miscalculated, for the world of deity had no use for fairness. Otherwise, why had it always been him who kept being robbed and failed to protect what’s precious? Between the borders of illusion and reality, those calm eyes glimpsed at him one last time, the spring-lake greenness in them a solid proof of the Goddess’ favouritism and blessing. Even if she was alive, she’d have nothing to do with a prisoner like him. So it would be better if she were dead; that way, when they were to meet again, at least he would still be permitted to address her as Professor.
“Professor… Professor Byleth. My… Professor.”
In the end he managed to escape, rumoured as the delusional prince and accompanied only by Dedue, Gustave and a small troop. The Dimitri from the past had died beyond help in all the conspiracies, exile and tumult of raging war, and that’s why he butchered without a care in every battle, and slaughtered in cruelest ways anyone who dared to stand in his way. Some acquaintances from the past found and joined him over time, but they were already way too late to persuade him out of his violence. He knew he couldn’t shoulder the responsibility for their lives or deaths, but none of this mattered. As long as he could achieve his goal, everything else he would repay in hell.
He never brought up that person, and forced himself to never consider how Byleth would have commanded in each battle. “Stay focused”, that would definitely have been her opening words just like always- and immediately he was cursing himself for letting his guard down incidentally to indulge in pathetic imagination. Over these years, he still received no news about her. Maybe she was wandering near the edge of the world with the mercenary group her father had left behind, or perhaps, she had died a long time ago in some inconspicuous corner. But in a slimmest eventuality, she could be standing with her back at him, right next to that silver-haired Black Eagle house leader dressed in red. “Professor!”, he cried out desperately, and in response she turned her head a little to glimpse at him, her calm face tinged with a hint of pity- the kind of pity in a broader sense, like when a god decides to forsake humanity.
In that case, don’t blame the forsaken for having no scruples. First of all, he must eliminate every single soul in the way, leaving her and himself staring at each other on top of hills of corpses. The one you chose no longer stands. Professor, what would you do now? Are you going to kill your student? The Sword of the Creator would cut through his body, and he would not dodge it, but at the same moment Areadbhar would also stab into her soft stomach. They would both collapse onto the ground stuck in such postures, and the blood of Blaiddyd and Eisner would blend into one tainted red, and this way, she would never again be able to draw a line between them.
His mind went blank when her survival was confirmed. When he snapped out of it, he heard Gustave suggesting collaboration with her newly rallied troop. He did not wait to hear the full proposal before rising from chair with a look of annoyance, leaving the old knight sighing deeply behind him.
He was terrified, for the first time in five years he was terribly terrified. He had degenerated into a complete monster, and now they were telling him she’s still alive! Slowly, he held up his blood-stained hands. They were trembling in horror, and even the thin spaces beneath the nails were dyed by uncleanable crimson. How could he even bring himself to face her again, let alone pray for her mercy.
But if he could forcibly take her to that barren field of Duscur, she would be able to hear the voices of the dead just like he did- those cries of agony had never stopped for a second over all these years. Witness the fate I must bear, experience the hell I went through, and then you would not see me as a monster. Wait, where’s she going- don’t leave him, don’t leave him there alone! “Professor, please save father”, he screamed as he fell apart, “save Glenn, save the soldiers, save everyone!”. But her figure disappeared in the smoke, and all of a sudden he’s again that incapable, helpless little prince, too weak to do anything except being engulfed by the raging flames- “Professor, save me-”
Just then, a piece of ashen cloth flapped in front of his eyes. “Dimitri”, she said, “come with me. I will take you away”. He believed that, and clutched her sleeve tightly. “Fear not”, she responded by intertwining her fingers with his, but in the blink of an eye, her chest started glowing in a sacred green, the light becoming so strong that it swallowed her entirely within seconds. When it’s gone, her figure collapsed lifelessly and dropped to the ground before he could catch her. “No!!! Byleth, don’t leave me behind to live alone-”
“You don’t deserve redemption”, giggled a little boy, the innocent voice sounding awfully familiar to him, “and nor do you deserve her, you monster.”
Ever since he had learnt about her survival, he was defeated to the ground by a luxurious wish, the imagination of their reunion at Gronder irresistible. But she didn’t show up, although she did lead away the many imperial graduates who were good fighters, allowing him to miraculously get close to the formation of the emperor. He had finally killed enough to stand in front of Edelgard, and now that his battered body could no longer carry him forward, he burst into hysterical laughter. “So what if she chose you at first”, he shouted out in a voice hoarse and broken the most malicious quip on earth, “it seems like you have been forsaken by her just like I was!”
The emperor’s eyes darkened. He knew she cared about that person too, the one person who didn’t even bother to appear. With the last streak of resolve, he picked up Areadbhar, and as he fell to the dirt deprived of all strength, crossing his mind was the flashback from years ago of Ferdinand saying Professor would never want to see this. Such a pity that he wasn’t able to hang Edelgard’s head on the city gate at last, but he’s finally going to be free, free to return to his family and friends, in a world full of people he had ever failed.
And so, he ran, nimbly and swiftly like he never had, into the familiar scenery before every last bit of him perished into dust in the wind. The moment he saw her, it suddenly became clear to him that he had been mistaken from the beginning till the end. He had woven himself too many lies, and fooled himself into conviction, but in the end, all he had truly hoped was for her to stay alive safe and sound. And now, her eyes are widening in surprise. He won’t tell her that he’s able to reveal himself like this because she’s dreaming and missing him. To him, the redness around her eyes and the tip of her nose was more endearing than anything.
“Dimitri… I thought you were dead… Are you injured? Where are the wounds? What happened to your right eye? Who did this to you?!”, she looks at him up and down, her face displaying a fresh, vivid mix of sadness and joy, and she even steps forward to take his hand. No longer angry, no longer bitter, he no longer wants to question why she didn’t appear at Gronder, he’ll just come and inform her of his decision like this. But then, his confession is interrupted, and her eyes suddenly lose focus- she cannot see him anymore.
He is much displeased, but then he thinks better of it and realises that this way, she will be forever wondering what his unsaid decision can be. “If someone did come here to see you, that person only wanted you to see their face”, Seteth’s words are unintentional, yet they somehow pass on a certain secret too awkward to be articulated. He has no idea how much this slow professor comprehends, but after the two intruders have left, she’s still looking for him. “Dimitri? Dimitri?”, she murmurs, looking in all directions without a clue. Panic and confusion gradually turn into despair, falling on those lips as silent syllables.
“Professor, are you alright? I was a bit worried and thought I would check on you…”, the green-haired girl accompanying Seteth earlier returns and asks, with concern written all over her face.
“...”, she does not answer. Instead, she purses her own lips in puzzlement, for there was a strange sensation just now, like they were gently pressed by something warm and soft.
Byleth Eisner stands there at a loss, with a vague feeling that she might have let slip something of great importance. But the intense warfare, the heavy expectations and the lofty mission leave her little leisure to probe deeper. Maybe she is simply exhausted, thinks the leader of Fódlan’s new rising army. Or perhaps, it’s all because the moonlight tonight is really too pale.