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Dan stood in a puddle of blood in a complete state of shock. Within the span of the last 10 minutes, Phil and him had exited a taxi, escaped a man trying to solicit a donation for an animal charity, entered A&E and then suddenly and dramatically Phil had passed out on the ground as blood poured from the legs of his trousers. As a medical team transferred Phil to a stretcher and started to wheel him away, Dan stared at the A&E triage nurse helpless and bewildered.
"Sir" the receptionist said breaking him out of his frozen state. "You can go with your, uh, friend, in just a second, but I just need you to answer a few questions first. Do you have his NHS number?"
"Um, yes" Dan said digging out Phil's wallet from his partner's glittery backpack which he had rescued from the pool of blood.
After asking a few administrative questions verifying Phil's birthdate, primary physician information and their home address she asked "Do you know who his emergency contact person is?"
Of course it was him. They were partners in everything, life, business, home owners together. Of course Dan was the person who was on Phil's will, his life insurance and all legal documents, but did she have to know that?
"Me, I guess?" Dan responded tentatively.
"Ok" she replied and took his information with no reaction.
Dan hated himself still for even expecting a reaction. He had come such a long way over the years but still sometimes expected the worst from people. And still kept the details of their relationship private from most of the world.
Dan was led to Phil's bedside where a team of medical professionals worked quickly around him. His heart stopped as he saw Phil had been cut out of his blood soaked clothing but was encouraged to see Phil somewhat lucid and in typical british fashion was trying to assure everyone around him that he was ok.
"Phil" Dan tried to interject, terror rising in his voice "you're obviously not fine, so just answer the questions, please".
"Were you in an accident?" the nurse asked.
"No" Phil answered, closing his eyes.
"But he had a colonoscopy about 10
days ago and they cut something out of him" Dan jumped in as he watched helplessly as an IV was put into Phil's arm and he drifted in and out of consciousness.
"This is going to slow down the bleeding, Philip" the nurse said. "And then we will try to find the source of the hemorrhage."
"Excuse me sir, we are going to have to ask you to wait outside" a nurse said escorting Dan out. "Are you a friend or family?"
"Friend" Dan replied instinctively.
"I'm afraid you will have to go to the main lobby waiting room then. He's being taken to the ICU and the waiting room there is only for immediate relatives and next of kin".
Dan started to be led away and and then blurted out "No, I am. Family. He's my partner" he choked out "of 15 years... so, yeah, I'm the next of kin".
Dan had never been this honest with strangers, always unsure who might recognize them and out their relationship to the public but in this moment he didn't give shit any of that. All he cared about was being the first one to know when he was awake and fixed.. or worse... he thought, flashes of Phil lying unconscious on the floor in his own blood.
Dan kept it together until he was in the ICU relatives' room. His hand shook as he reached for his phone and pressed dial on the name he was looking for.
Kathryn answered after one ring. "Hello? Daniel?"
"Kath...." Dan said lip trembling, barely able to get the words to update Phil's parents.
Half an hour later Dan managed to get his tears to stop falling. It was emotionally difficult delivering the news to the Lesters but he was comforted in speaking to them knowing he wasn't alone in his devastating worry and fear. He sat overwhelmed and unsure what to do with himself, how to stop his mind spiraling to the worst case scenario, so he did what he always did when he needed to quiet himself, he started to work, editing their tour trailer. It was either that or he was going to keep panicking or just cry his eyes out to the older woman who sat on the other side of the waiting room.
Dan flipped through clip after clip that he had saved of him and Phil that would be edited into the television screens, the concept being that current Dan and Phil were looking back at clips of themselves through the years. 15 years of memories, of a life and career lived online together.
But also 15 years of secrets and lies. Of being so insanely in love, life intertwined in every way imaginable but outwordly pretending to the world that they were just best friends and roommates.
He let a few more tears fall for his younger self, so scared of what his secret getting out would mean for him. Tears for his Phil for standing by his side, letting Dan call all the shots as he shoved Phil back into the closet too. But the fear during those times didn't compare to the fear he felt at this moment. His Phil, his baby, fighting to live just a few doors down the hall.
What if this was it? Dan thought to himself.
Dan stewed in his emotions, letting tears roll down his cheeks silently, overwhelmed by the thoughts and a sense of loss for something that he couldn't even explain. They had wasted so much time. He had wasted so much time being scared when they could have been happy. It all felt so stupid and unfair.
"I'm so sorry, young man" the woman in the waiting room said gripping her rosery beads, My Henry is back there fighting too. I'll pray for your spouse as well".
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A few days later Dan and Phil had returned home. A very weak Phil pointed at articles of clothing for Dan to pack for him. It felt to them both almost surreal that they were about to leave on vacation but the doctor had given Phil the greenlight to go and they wanted to seize the day and live life to the fullest.
"Really?" Dan asked holding up
Phil's "Rodent Boy Summer"
tshirt. "It's a nice resort, bubby, you can't wear this".
Phil giggled back "Its a nice shirt, just look at the art work".
Dan tossed the shirt in the suitcase and crawled in next to Phil on the bed. Ever since Phil had been home from hospital, Dan had been unable to go more than 10 minutes without holding him or gently stroking or kissing him. His baby, safe and sound and okay. It felt like a miracle that he had to touch to remember was real.
"Phil, I've been thinking" he said. "I think... after the Terrible Influence Tour that I want to go public about us."
"What?" Phil asked genuinely shocked. They had talked many times about the idea but always had a long list of reasons why not. "Why?"
Dan took in a deep breath. "You almost died, baby." voice cracking "And that would have killed me too.... I just can't bear the idea that it would all be over and our life together would just be a secret. It all feels so unfathomably wrong."
Phil blinked at him in disbelief as Dan continued "So, yeah... I think we should... not today, not tomorrow... but let's make a plan for our future."
Phil smiled widely, secretly dreaming of this idea for years. He knew this was monumental for Dan, not just making the decision to go public but also making such a huge statement of committment for their future.
"For our future" Phil whispered back and kissed him.