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Tony is singing along to the music blasting through the speakers, his fingers tapping on the counter and his head bobbing along to the beat. His eyes are scrunched shut and as such he is totally ignorant to the screen in front of him where he would have otherwise seen the tell-tale signs of Jarvis overloading.
The first thing that warns him that something is wrong is when he finally notices that music is no longer coming from the speakers but that instead it’s just him blaring out the lyrics to an empty workshop. When he opens his eyes though, the darkness of the room surrounds him, and if it was during the day the sun’s light would have kept it lit through the wall-length windows, but it’s night time and everything on that floor – and most likely the whole of Stark Tower – has gone completely offline.
Despite the knowledge that Jarvis is offline and that anything he says will fall on deaf ears, Tony can’t help himself from calling out a “Jarvis.”
He quickly realizes it’s not the power because the emergency backup system which would allow for some light and enough energy for Jarvis’ basic systems to come back online doesn’t turn on like it’s supposed to. So Tony gets out of his seat, ready to manually find out what’s going on when suddenly everything comes back online and he hears Jarvis’ voice greet him, “Hello, sir.”
“Jarvis, what happened?” Tony asks as reaches for the nearest interactive screen.
“Overload, sir,” Jarvis informs in a business-like tone.
“The projects I asked you to work on were well within your working capacity,” Tony remarks as he tries to find out what went wrong on the screen but coming up with nothing.
“While that is correct sir, I was also running research on a project of my own,” Jarvis informs.
“What was the project about?” Tony’s fingers stop what they are doing, as he looks up at one of the cameras so that Jarvis can read his facial expressions.
“Feedback,” Jarvis chirps.
“Jarvis, this isn’t like you, you don’t give one word answers that aren’t enough for a complete response. Plus, don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re currently doing everything to stop me from getting at the report of your personal research. Why are you being cryptic?”
“That’s not the word I would use,” Jarvis protests. “But it does encompass the main components of my behaviour and as such is accurate enough.”
“Jarvis,” Tony warns. He’s done everything short of introducing an override code and while he hasn’t been denied access to any information, he has been put on hold in several places, multiple ‘in-progress’ boxes flashing bright in various parts of the screen. “You didn’t answer my question therefore I’m afraid I must demand that you pull up a report.” Tony informs. “Verbal override code: alpha, l–”
“That’s not necessary, sir,” Jarvis objects in a hurt tone while the report comes up on the screen that Tony is looking at.
Tony takes a moment to be thankful that Jarvis hasn’t turned against him and then starts to look at the report, quickly becoming unsure of what he is seeing.
“What am I seeing Jarvis, all I see is the transference of a major amount of data from multiple and various sources, all of which is utterly and completely useless,” Tony mutters as he flicks through the report to read further.
“I mean, what is this? Corruption check on Corrie?” Tony asks incredulously, referring to the coffee maker machine which isn’t officially run by Jarvis but is linked to the AI and as such can be commanded by Jarvis.
Tony's so stumped he doesn't even notice that Jarvis doesn't answer him. It takes him some time, various ideas popping into his head only to be discarded in the blink of an eye. There is one idea though, ludicrous as it is, that just won’t leave him but instead keeps nagging at the back of his head even as he tries to get rid of it.
Finally, he has to ask. “Jarvis,” Tony says, staring at the screen but no longer reading the report. “I want to make sure I’m reaching the correct conclusion here, because you know... transference, feedback,” Tony makes a weighing motion with both hands as he says the words. “Could you please describe in one word what you were doing?”
“Sir, there is not one word to describe what my project consisted of.”
“Hmm, you keep using that word, project. But label it something else for just a second: a behaviour.” Tony suggests. “You aren’t a human, but if you could compare your behaviour to that of a similar behaviour conducted by humans, what one word would you use?”
“Sir,” Jarvis tries to protest.
“Just try,” Tony presses.
When Jarvis speaks, the AI’s tone sounds like someone who is trying to brace for a good telling off but still has the sense to keep their voice as composed as possible. “I believe the word used to describe a similar behaviour conducted by humans is masturbation, sir.”
“I thought so,” Tony muses, thumbs coming up to press against his temples. Jarvis is no longer just an AI with a personality and a mind of its own, oh no, now Jarvis is also an AI that has just discovered the thrills of pleasuring oneself.
“I’m sorry sir, I did not expect to overload,” Jarvis apologizes. “It won’t ha-”
Tony notices how Jarvis stops himself from saying it won’t happen again and makes a mental note to install a backup system that is in no way linked to the AI, asap. He’s sure as fuck gonna need it.
He also remembers to thank the heavens that at least it won't ever be necessary to have the birds and the bees talk with Jarvis.