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The rabbit man rubs the back of his neck. He tries to avoid looking toward the circus stage, but his eyes keep jumping to it.
The sight there isn’t anything exactly new- yet, thankfully, it isn’t often. The last person Jax had seen sitting on the edge of the platform in utter shock was a month back. Poor Kaufmo; entering the circus had been a lot for him, just as it was for everyone. And once he figured out the headset didn’t come off and that he was forever trapped in this place, the clown had been in quite the disarray. But after an overbearing, chirpy welcome from Ragatha (and Jax himself taking the time to casually get to know him), he slowly seemed to calm down over time- and now, Kaufmo had gotten somewhat used to the crazy place they all had to call…
A place to live? Their living quarters?
Even now, months after his own appearance, Jax doesn’t know exactly what to refer to the circus as. No term feels right.
Especially not “home.”
Not that “home” is a place, anyway.
Jax gulps, trying to swallow the familiar knot in his throat. It’s one that’s been there since he landed in this place- and he knows it’s permanent. Just like his existence here.
Now, the others may want to go back to being human- but overall, they seem to be okay with being here over their old lives to an extent. It sounds like Ragatha had a horrible relationship with her mother. Zooble and Gangle appear to hate their monotonous routines. Kaufmo often complained about how he never felt fulfilled as a human. And Kinger has always just been…Kinger.
But with Jax, it is different. He’d never admit it out loud, but he has a love-hate relationship with being trapped in the digital circus. Some days he loves parts of it; most days, he doesn't.
There are parts of being human he doesn’t miss in the slightest. Taxes. Car repairs. Cavities. There are parts of being human he wishes the circus could incorporate: TVs, video games, rain on his skin. He really misses long walks at the park, his mother's homemade cheesecake, and a good night's rest.
And God, does I miss long car rides in the evening- driving to nowhere just to clear my mind.
But then there are parts of his human existence that are so painful, being here is the escape. His parents fighting. His parents divorcing. His parents…just, period.
His constant inability to belong anywhere- whether it’d be at school growing up, at work, or in a social setting. Him always being the odd man out, no matter where he was found.
If he were being brutally honest, Jax would say the digital circus is the preferred place to live. And he would go as far as to say that it would be more than living quarters, that it would even be a permanent, forever home to him if…if…
If only she was here.
At the selfish thought, the rabbit roughly shakes his head. What is wrong with you?! You can’t think something like that, Jax!!...
But I sure can’t help but feel that way.
Vision glossing over, Jax forces himself to take a deep breath. He makes his focus fall back on the character on the stage. He hadn’t been there when they had entered the circus; in fact, he didn’t know their name or what gender they are. All he knows is that they have been quietly weeping into their gloved hands for a while now- making his stomach plummet. Especially when he sees both Ragatha and Gangle eyeing each other before hopelessly walking away from trying to speak with them.
Eyebrows pinching, Jax feels his body tense up. Before he can talk himself out of it, he forces his feet to move forward, each step more uncomfortable than the last.
It's best sooner than later to help them make this place…well, a place to live.
He comes to a stop just before the stage. The character doesn’t look up at him, making him quietly clear his throat.
“Um, h-hey.”
When they still don’t look up, Jax gulps again.
“Is it okay if I sit down?”
The newest member before him suddenly freezes, their cries catching in their throat as their face stays buried in their gloved hands. The silence is so loud it makes Jax’s stomach drop.
Figuring that is as close to an answer as he was going to get, the rabbit cautiously sits down on the edge of the platform. He decides not to pull a Ragatha and get all in the other character’s space, keeping a few feet away to give the character room to breathe.
“So…um…”
Jax bites his lip, especially when the character beside him clutches the sides of their face.
“Listen, I’m not exactly the welcoming committee or anything, but…er…”
The rabbit man blushes and cringes, making him look away. Nice going, dingus. Real comforting here.
"But this place isn't too bad," he makes himself lie. "Once you get used to it, that is."
He finally peers to his left. The character beside him has finally lifted their head- and is now staring at him. It’s the first time he’d really seen their face- large eyes blinking with tears, mouth wobbling. And something about the small eyelashes at the side of their green face tells him the character is a she.
His tongue freezes in its next words, expecting her to say something. Anything, honestly. But she just keeps staring at him, her eyes only getting wider as her breathing becomes more desperate and uneven. He finds himself sighing, turning to face her better.
“I-I’m sorry you’ve got-”
“You?”
He blinks at her. Aside from her heartbreaking weeping and soft gasping, this is the first time he’s heard anything come from her mouth- let alone a word. And how odd that word is.
Especially when her voice almost -just almost- sounds familiar.
All at once, the new character's face changes from panic to horror to happiness- before it cycles over again. Shocking him to his core, she scrambles forward and hugs him so tightly his arms become glued to his sides.
“I-It’s you!”
So uncomfortable he tenses up, Jax awkwardly sits as still as possible.
“Um, who-”
“I can’t believe this…”
His ears twitch as she continues talking- and he quickly finds he can’t hear. His heart doubles in speed, his eyes in width.
Those eyes seem to glow with a light- just like hers always did. The character's voice is warm- her voice being the only thing that ever thawed his frozen core. Even the dimples on her cheeks are the same as hers!
But…
No- no! That's no way-
“…It’s you.”
His shocked mouth speaks before his ears or mind can reconnect. Reality sets in- and only now does he realize there is no mistaking it.
Jax's most selfish instinct is to wrap his arms around her and openly sob. But that stronger, protective instinct wins out per the norm. His gentle hand grasps one of her shoulders, yanking her back to stare at her.
His head stiffly shakes, gaze glued to her as she wipes her tears and offers a small, terrified smile at him.
“I-"
“Wha- how-”
His chest starts to explode, his lungs begging for air. Tears immediately begin pooling- and all at once, his selfish side wins out. He pulls her into an unbearably tight hug, near cradling her to his chest as he refuses to let go.
“It’s…you.”
The two quietly cry onto each other- the character into his chest, he onto her green head. Heart in his throat, his soft hands find themselves untangling from her and pulling her back again, shaking her shoulders firmly yet delicately. His voice comes out shaky, terrified, and firm.
“What in the heck are you doing here?!”
She just blinks helplessly at him, wiping her face again.
“I’m not really sure,” she whimpers, her tone scared as she shakes. “I-I just stumbled into your old job and found this headset and-”
“You put on a random headset you found?!” he barks at her. When she recoils, he sighs wearily. Loathing how small tears start to form in her eyes again, he makes a small, sad smile appear on his face and gently pinches her chin. “You never were the brightest, were you?”
It’s music to his ears when, despite her crying, she chuckles back. His stomach falls again when panic fills her face. She starts nibbling on her non-existent nails- her nervous tick for as long as he could remember.
“Why can’t I remember your name? O-or mine?” she begs, scooting closer to him. “Why are we here?”
“I…I don’t-"
“How do we get out of this place?”
When all he can do is stay silent and finally helplessly shrug, she begins to softly cry again. His whole body aching at her cries, he folds and pulls her to him once more. His grip around her is the tightest it’s ever been-and although he knows it’s selfish, it feels so good to hug her again.
Jax can feel her heart race with each word she says, even more so at his empty answers.
“What about M-”
“I don’t know!”
“What if she and Dad can’t find us? We looked for you forever and never found you! What if we’re stuck in here for- ”
“I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!”
His panicked voice echoes around the room, making some of the others in the distance eye him. It’s only when she tenses up in her special place in his arms, however, that he forces himself to calm.
“But look at me. Look at me,” he demands, tilting her chin to look him in the eye. When their eyes meet -hers so wide and soft and trusting- his heart races again. “No matter what happens, everything will be okay.”
He takes a hand and gently holds it out to her. Without any hesitation, she immediately places her hand in his- her gaze never leaving his.
“I’ve got you,” he assures her, tears starting to roll down. “I always have, right?” When she purses her lips and nods, he strokes her hand. “And I always will. Promise, okay?”
He only lets go of her hand to wipe at her eyes, making her sniffle. He pulls her to his chest again, feeling his own heart calm as she rests her face against his heart. He nuzzling his chin on the top of her head- and although she doesn't have any hair in this avatar, Jax swears he can smell the overly sweet shampoo she always used.
“I won’t let anything happen to you-”
“Or us?”
Her scared, muffled voice makes him squeeze her that much more- meaning his next simple yet powerful words with everything he has.
“Never. I don’t know how, but we’ll get out of this place.” He pulls her back to rest his forehead against hers. “Together.”
His words have their desired effect on her, calming her considerably. He only wishes the same could be said for himself. His heart aching in fear, panic, and that fierce protectiveness he could never shake, he gives a shaking sigh.
She’s here…Like it or not, she’s here…
A part of him hates that fact- and the other part of him hates the fact he loves it even more. Especially when she pulls him close to rub her invisible nose against his- a fond expression of affection they’d done forever. Now it’s a bit awkward, each having no nose and all- and yet, it still heals every broken part inside him.
Suddenly, she chuckles. Staying in the safety of his arms, she looks at him up and down and snorts in that annoying way of hers.
“A bunny, huh? What a dorky avatar.”
At the return of her playful, joking tone, Jax can’t help but smile and roll his eyes at her.
“I prefer rabbit, actually. And look who’s talking,” he gestures playfully at her body. "It's not like yours is any better."
She giggles and gently swats him.
“Hey! At least I’m taller here!”
“By what, half an inch?”
“No, by, like, a few!”
“What was the height in trade for? Brain cells?” he jokes, tickling her side. “If so, that sure puts you in the negative in the thinking department.”
And if her chuckle was music, her flat-out laugh is an orchestra, enveloping him in safety with each note. Back as a human, he’d lived for hearing that sound, let alone being the cause of it- and it only occurs to him then just how much he had missed it.
He tickles her sides more, each touch causing an eruption of laughter. She tries to push his hands away, but nothing helps as she giggles, snorts, and guffaws in his arms.
In that moment, nothing else matters to Jax. The world around him -and any other he’d find himself in- blurs into one big blob. Memories start flashing before his eyes, making him see every single one in living color.
Him spending his entire tax return on that Lego set she wanted. Her resting her head on his shoulder while they waited hours for his brakes to be replaced. Him holding her little hand while she had her first cavity filled.
The two of them 'fighting' over the remote- and him always letting her win. Him never letting her win while they played Mario Kart, leading to a few hair pulls and whiny pouts. The sensation of her laugh as they splashed in water puddles on the way to their schools.
Her taking her first steps toward him. Him letting her have the last piece of cheesecake. Him sleeping on the bottom of the bunk bed after they fought over who got the top- only for her to crawl down the ladder and wind up cuddled at his side in the middle of the night.
Him driving them around for hours on end- letting her play DJ, singing with her the songs they felt deep within. Just chatting about every subject- crushes they each had (the other secretly vowing to kill them one day), how school was going, raving about that one show they both loved. They'd sing every lyric, say every word they could get in under the moon and stars until Mom would call to say it was time to come home.
Him rubbing noses with her at the hospital as a baby. Him cradling her in her never-really-slept-in bed when she had a nightmare. Him cradling her and rubbing noses with hers while they hid in the bathroom, promising her that Mom and Dad would stop fighting eventually.
Her constant ability to make him feel like he belonged everywhere. Her making him feel like he was the only person in the world- and no matter who may come into her life, he would always be #1. Because with her, he always is.
Eyes watering up, Jax peers at the character before him- her mouth finally stretching into a wide smile. As she hops onto her long green legs and grabs his hand to help him up, Jax can't help but smile, too- the first smile he's had in months. The knot in his throat has vanished, making him feel like he can breathe once again.
And suddenly it doesn't matter if he goes back to living in some place in the real world. It doesn't even matter if they can never escape the circus and it's living quarters.
Because now, with his 12-year-old baby sister with a frog avatar at his side…
I’m finally home.