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Gabe really thought he could do this; he had full confidence in himself when him and Ryan agreed to still come back to Boston College for a second year. Everything was going great, too. They were basically all moved into the dorm, they didn’t get stuck with the worse professors this year, they had some friends from last year and each other, and practice was actually going good. Things were going so well, that both him and Ryan were caught off guard when Gabe walked into their dorm room, on the day of the first game of the season, and slammed the door shut behind him.
“Fuck!” He faced the door, kicking it and resting his head against the wood, letting out shallow breaths.
“Damn dude, what happened to you?” The voice made Gabe jump before he turned around to see his roommate, who was sitting at the desk beside his bed. He wasn’t expecting Ryan, he’s not use to this setup yet he was expecting—
He groaned, leaning his back against the door and sliding to the ground with his knees to his chest. “Sorry, forgot you were in here.”
Ryan shut his laptop and got up from his desk chair, walking over to where Gabe was sat on the floor, stopping a few feet in front of him. “Uh,” he brings his hand up to scratch the back of his head, “it’s not even two yet, ‘sup with the outburst?” Gabe looks up, meeting confused eyes and a posture that makes it feel like Ryan’s trying not to step on broken glass.
He instinctively shakes his head, “nothing man, just,” he trails off, looking over at the Sidney Crosby poster hanging on the wall above Ryan’s bed. Gabe’s eyes land on the NHL logo and he has to take a deep breath in, deciding to practice the stupid 4-7-8 breathing his therapist taught him. “Not my day,” he shrugs, opening his eyes but opting to stare at the ceiling instead of looking at Ryan, “I guess.”
Ryan sat down in front of him, getting on his level, he assumes it’s an attempt to offer a more welcoming environment. Gabe takes a moment to be thankful of the consideration. “You want to talk about it?” He finally looks at him, but he doesn’t respond. Ryan’s eyes glance at something on his bedside table, Gabe follows his gaze to a photo of— “is it,” Ryan looks back at him, Gabe’s eyes done move from the photo, “that?”
Gabe nods, his breath hitching as he holds back a strangled noise, “mhm.” He tried to say yes, but an affirmative noise was all he could let out without letting out a sob.
Ryan stood up momentarily so he could move himself to sit beside Gabe with his back against the wall, pushing the other forward a little so he can wrap he arm around him and pull him into his chest. He didn’t ask, he didn’t need to, they were both well aware of that. The second Ryan’s body invaded his space, Gabe broke. When he pulled him close all he did was start sobbing silently into the strong arms that were around him.
He ran his hand in circles on Gabe’s back for a few minutes, trying to soothe him, before he spoke again. “Something happen, or just woke up thinking about him?”
Gabe wanted to tell him it’s been like this since he found out it would only be the two of them coming back this year. He wanted to tell Ryan that every time he passes his old stall in the locker room that he can see him staring back at him. He wanted to say that the last eight therapy sessions he had before coming back to school were all on the pathetic topic of ‘can I even fucking do this without him’ like he was some grieving window.
Instead, he shakes his head, “walked past the trophy case,” Gabe sniffles, Ryan uses the collar of his own shirt to wipe the tears and snot off his face, “stared at it for a little too long.”
Gabe remembers the game that trophy belonged to very well. The whole team played their best game that night, but so did the three of them. Him and his guys best game they played together. Will breaking insane records, becoming a school legend. Of course, he didn’t stay for another year to bask in the glory of that.
Ryan runs a hand through Gabe’s hair, moving the others head gently so they could make awkward eye contact while his head rested on his chest. “Hey, we’ll be there with him before you know it.”
He knows it was supposed to be comforting, reassuring, but Gabe couldn’t help but take offense to that. He scoffs, looking at Ryan’s shoulder, he has to look anywhere but those piercing eyes. “That’s not what this is about dude, you know that.”
He rubs circles into Gabe’s scalp, “I know, I’m sorry, was just-“ Ryan trails off, Gabe leans into his touch. “I miss him too, Gabo.”
Gabe closes his eyes, sighing, “I just thought it would be easier,” Ryan kisses the top of his head, encouraging him to keep going. “At home, it sucked knowing he wasn’t gonna come back, but I thought I could do it. Ya know, you’re here, it shouldn’t be this hard.”
Ryan rests his head on top of Gabe’s, “he was our best friend Gabe. Played with him for years, not gonna be easy.” Played with him?
Gabe’s face scrunched up, “we did more than just play together.” He wouldn’t call hours of getting to know each other, exchanging secrets, holding each other and sharing firsts playing fucking hockey.
“I know Gabo, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, it makes sense it’s hard bub.”
He nods into Ryan’s chest, “we play our first game tonight.”
“Yeah?”
Another nod, “he was supposed to be there for it.”
“Yeah, but he’s gotta play his own games now.”
Gabe lets out a scoff and then a pathetic snarl, “yeah with fucking Mack.”
“Hey,” Ryan places another kiss on Gabe’s head, “don’t be like that. It’s good he has a friend out there, yeah? We don’t want him to be alone, remember?”
He bites his lip, nodding, of course he doesn’t want Will to be alone, and of course he doesn’t hate Macklin. Gabe would be lying if he said he wasn’t insanely envious of the other for getting signed to the same team as Will, though. That’s the dream, to go pro and play with your best friends. It was supposed to be their dream, Ryan, Gabe’s and Will’s—but Mack gets to live it for them.
“It’s just,” Gabe sniffles, more tears starting to fall, “not fair Lenny.”
“Yeah?” He nods in response, pulling himself off Ryan’s chest so he can turn his head to look at his face better. “You wish it was us instead?”
Gabe shakes his head, “no, well yes but-“ he cuts himself off to clear his throat. “It’s not fair we have to learn how to sleep without him so soon,” he looks into Ryan’s eyes, they’re starting to get teary like his own.
“I know,” he puts his hand on the back of Gabe’s neck, running his thumb back and forth, “trust me baby.” His heart rate picks up, Ryan hasn’t called him that since their last day of school last year. “If anyone understands you, it’s me.” He gives Gabe a small smile, he returns it. He doesn’t always know the best thing to say, but he knows how to make Gabe feel seen.
“You always do, Len, always have.” Gabe leans his head to the side so it rest against Ryan’s, at least he has one year left of this. At least no one can take this away from him too.
“In no time, you’ll feel better about it-“
“I don’t want to just— fucking get over it man. I don’t want to just forget what that felt like, I can’t even forget his hands-“ Gabe goes to sit up, Ryan gently rests a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“You’re not gonna forget him baby. I don’t want you to do that,” he lets out a sigh of relief, “I’m just saying, one day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so bad.”
Gabe doesn’t have anything to say to that, so he just hums and closes his eyes.
“Hey, you want to sleep in my bed tonight?” He nods, he’s been afraid to ask since they’ve gotten back. Things haven’t been awkward really, Gabe just wasn’t exactly sure how they were supposed to act with one of their gears missing.
“Yeah, I think that might help.” Later Ryan would tell him his eyes have a sparkle in them he hasn’t seen since they’ve gotten back, Gabe would tell him to go eat shit.
Ryan shifts, so he’s facing Gabe, and grabs him by his chin making their eyes meet. He’s running his eyes across his face, like he’s trying to read Gabe’s mind. “I’m still here, okay? Don’t start mourning me before I’m gone, not while we’re still missing him.”
Gabe lets out a small laugh paired with a gentle smile, one last tear falling down his face, “I won’t Lens, not today.”
“Good,” Ryan leans in pressing their lips together softly, “then all we’ll worry about is today.”