Chapter Text
Shauna Shipman-Sadecki is almost at the end of her third trimester when she gets the message.
On facebook messenger, of all things.
Hey girly, I'm SO sorry to be the one to tell you but…
The message blurs from there, but Shauna gets the gist.
Her husband of eight years got another woman, a stranger named Jackie Taylor, pregnant, and then ghosted her, and when she tried to cyberstalk him she found out about Shauna, and now Shauna's marriage is over.
It fucking sucks.
Shauna hadn't even been sure about having a kid. She and Jeff had gotten married at eighteen, a traditional shotgun wedding for a baby that had been born dead, and the dreams Shauna had, the ones that had reshaped themselves around this kid and this guy, had crashed and burned. She hadn't been able to do anything. Hadn't got up each morning, hadn't gone to work, had dropped out of college before it even began, had only had the strength to cling to Jeff and slowly rebuild her world around just him. Caleb had been buried in the Jewish cemetery, a piece of Shauna wrapped up in the baby blanket around him. And years had passed and Jeff had pushed, and prodded, and pleaded, until Shauna had said that maybe they could think about starting to try again. And then she was pregnant again, with a girl this time.
Shauna had already named her Callie.
Names are important. Names have power. Names have life.
Callie would keep Caleb alive.
She would be her own person, a brilliant one, named to remember her brother and raised by a mother who was terrified of her dying, too, and a father who couldn't wash dishes but could pick up the emotional slack.
And then Shauna got that message and her world dissolved all over again.
Jackie didn't want to be a lesbian.
She had left Wiskayok to go to Rutgers, and met a series of women who were everything from experimenting to full on out and proud lesbians, and locked herself in her room for the first three years of college to resist the urge to fuck all of them, and then caved and gone on what could only be called a shag spree in her final year. And then, without a job offer to boast of, she'd gone back to live with her parents post graduation, and got a job at ex classmate's dad's company, Mr Ibarra more than happy to have her on the team, and her mother had said her hair was too short, short enough to make her look like a dyke, and offered to set her up with a nice boy, and Jackie had gone to the nearest bar and pounded back shots until she saw a guy who almost looked like he could be a lesbian and invited him home. Her mother had backed off once Jeff started coming over regularly, even though it made Jackie want to die.
They had told her parents about the baby together. Jeff had promised they'd be married before their son came. And then his dad had died when Jackie hit 38 weeks, and he'd left town to help with the funeral, and Jackie had given birth, unmarried and alone, and named their son the name they'd agreed on together, and grabbed her phone to call Jeff.
And the call hadn't gone through.
Or the text.
Or the insta DM.
So Jackie had taken her son home from the hospital, and cried in her mother's arms and tried to ignore how her mother's entire body had stiffened on hearing the news, and how her father wouldn't hold his grandson, and moved on with her life. Mostly.
But when she was up, late at night, feeding her little boy with one hand and playing on her phone with the other, she had just searched up Jeff's last name.
And she'd found Shauna.
And she'd spent another month trying to convince herself that Shauna was Jeff's sister or cousin or very young aunt and that Jeff was just a very affectionate guest at Shauna's wedding to someone else.
And then she realised that, at the ripe age of twenty-three, she was a single mother because Jeff didn't want to risk her becoming a homewrecker.
And she typed out a message and hit send before she could regret it.
Coffee is awkward.
Shauna is heavily pregnant and avoiding caffeine but decaf just isn't cutting it. Jackie is fiddling with the corners of a printed out stack of screenshots she felt like she should bring.
'If I'd known you were pregnant, I…' Jackie hesitates, biting her lip, 'I mean I probably still would have told you, just… not like that.'
'Well,' Shauna shrugs, 'it's not like there's a good way to tell me you're screwing my husband.'
'Screwed,' Jackie corrects, 'past tense.'
'Right,' Shauna says, and the utterance is far too short to search for her tone. Shauna nods at the printouts, 'so can I see those?'
Jackie hands them over immediately, passing them to Shauna, not wanting the weight of them any more. Shauna leafs through them, not really looking at any of the pages long enough to read it properly. Jackie sips her frappe while Shauna is occupied. She's trying to avoid coffee, too, for breastfeeding, and even if she wasn't it would feel cruel to drink it in front of Shauna when she can't have it. It wouldn't be the cruellest thing she's done to Shauna today, but it is only their first meeting ever, so Jackie has time to do worse.
It doesn't help that Shauna is gorgeous. Chestnut hair hangs just past her shoulders in messy waves, the warmth and depth of the colour matching the brown in her irises. A strong nose sits above full lips. She keeps swallowing, more than the average person should, and it makes her throat bob, highlighting the tendons beneath her pale skin. Her neck disappears into the collar of a red plaid shirt, and it makes her shoulders look broad and strong. The plaid is unbuttoned, showing a simple black tank top underneath, and her chest is round and somehow perky despite what has to be early stages of milk production, if Jackie's own pregnancy timeline was anything to go by. She even carries the bump well. Jackie had always felt like hers stuck out, uncomfortable, like someone had super glued a bowling ball to her stomach without telling her, but Shauna makes it look natural. It rests on her plush thighs, covered in navy denim, which disappear beneath the other side of the cafe table. Shauna runs a hand through her hair, pushing the layers of it back from where they've started dropping down to frame her face, and Jackie shamelessly stares at the map of veins on the back of her hand.
Jackie is definitely a lesbian.
Jackie can't be a lesbian.
'So,' Jackie says, unable to bear the overwhelming volume of her own thoughts, 'our kids are siblings, then.'
It's the wrong thing to say.
Shauna puts the folders down on the table between them, the pages landing with a loud slap, and stands slowly. Jackie would move to help her, if she wanted Shauna to leave.
'I'm sorry,' Shauna says, 'I can't do this.'
Jackie watches Shauna leave, grateful she's going, terrified that it'll be the last time she sees her.
She messages Shauna one more time, the day after the coffee that wasn't.
Here if you need anything.
'So the little dude is this woman's husband's kid?' Van asks, offering the three month old a stuffed dinosaur.
'You don't have to say it like that,' Jackie says, helping her son take the toy in his chubby fingers.
'What should I call her? Your sister wife? Your sons mother of another brother?'
'Did you just have a stroke?'
'What's she like?' Van asks, ignoring Jackie's question.
Jackie takes a long moment to think. 'She only said like two things to me.'
'You have to have something to go on.' Mari presses as she pulls a frozen pizza out of the oven. 'A vibe or whatever.'
Jackie considers, then says, 'the vibe was good.'
'Yeah?' Van asks.
'Yeah, I mean, there's something… a little off, but she did just find out her marriage is over.'
'Off? Meaning?'
Jackie shrugs, 'I don't know. I guess I thought she'd want to talk about her feelings or the kids or whatever but she just… didn't want to talk about anything, really. I asked one question before she bailed.'
'I mean I don't think you can expect her to be your bestie right off the bat,' Mari reasons as she drops the pizza on the table between them.
'I guess not,' Jackie says, reaching for a slice.
'Is that was this is? Van asks, 'she doesn't want to be friends with you?'
'No,' Jackie denies, 'I just… it's not exactly a typical situation. I was just hoping to get more of a read on her if we're basically in each other's lives forever.'
'That's fair,' Van concedes, taking a slice from the table as the baby wraps his chubby limbs around a t-rex. 'I'm sure you'll figure it out.'
Mari swallows her bite before she asks, 'is she hot?'
'Shut up,' Jackie replies.
'That means yes.'
Are you free Saturday 2-4?
Shauna's message arrives late on Thursday, and Jackie has plans in the form of lunch with Mari, but she tells Shauna yes and then messages Mari after to ask her to change plans to brunch.
Shauna tells her to dress casually and meet at the library, and Jackie, beyond fucking confused, follows orders, even though it means she's underdressed for brunch.
Shauna is standing outside of the tall grey building, wearing sweatpants and an off-the-shoulder top, and Jackie is thrilled she got the right degree of casual in yoga pants and a hoodie.
'I need a favour,' Shauna says as soon as Jackie approaches, 'and you said anything.'
'I did,' Jackie replies. 'What do you need?'
'I fucking signed up for fucking birthing class with the fucking jag-off and I can't go in there alone.'
'And you want me?'
'You've given birth,' Shauna says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
'I have,' Jackie agrees.
'I'm not forcing you to be here,' Shauna says, suddenly brash, 'you can leave.'
'No, no,' Jackie says, 'let's go.'
Most of the class is fine.
The woman at the front of the room talks about birthing plans, and Jackie takes notes even though she's already given birth with no plan other than surviving, but then the teacher announces a practical section of the lesson, and Jackie is told to sit on a yoga mat with her legs spread so Shauna can sit between them.
Shauna eyes the window like she's thinking about jumping through it, and Jackie plops herself down onto the mat and pats the space between her thighs. Shauna only hesitates a little before she kneels at the front of the mat, almost the full length of it away from Jackie, until the teacher guides Shauna to sit back against the younger woman.
And then Jackie is instructed on how to massage her partner, and how to stroke Shauna's back while she's giving birth, and how to ease labour pains with the comfort of her touch.
'Is this okay?' Jackie asks, hands hovering over Shauna's spine.
'Just do it,' Shauna replies, which isn't the same as it being okay, but Jackie does it anyway.
Jackie finds a knot, and applies pressure while pushing it with her thumb, and Shauna lets out a moan before slapping a hand over her mouth. Jackie bites the inside of her cheek and tries to ignore how warm Shauna is and how perfectly she fits between her legs even as the teacher stands beside them and tells them, in front of the other students, that Jackie is attuned to Shauna's needs, and that they make a beautiful couple.
Jackie starts to correct her, but Shauna just says, 'thanks.'
Shauna messages again two weeks later.
Hospital. Room 2525.
Jackie doesn't question it. Just grabs her keys and goes. Live in babysitters are one of the few advantages of a multi generation household.
Shauna is in labour.
'I couldn't… I didn't have anyone to call,' Shauna says.
Jackie offers Shauna her hand, and sees that Shauna's wedding ring is gone. Shauna grabs it and squeezes until Jackie's knuckles pop and cries fill the room.
Shauna's and her baby's.
'Can you…' Shauna hesitates, tears running fast and thick down her face, snot bubbling from her nose, 'can you hear her crying?'
'Yeah,' Jackie says, wiping Shauna's face with her sleeve, 'yeah, I can.'
Jackie doesn't know what happened to Shauna, but she's sure it was something bad.
She can tell by how Shauna flinches every time she starts to fall asleep.
She can tell by how Shauna won't look away from the infant in the plastic basinet.
'I can watch her,' Jackie offers, 'you get some sleep.'
'You don't have to stay,' Shauna replies, not taking her eyes from the girl in the little pink blanket.
Jackie hesitates, and then says, 'no one was here when I did it. During or after. It sucked. I know you don't know me but I want to do this for you.'
Shauna finally looks away from the baby, and Jackie feels like she's being sized up, judged, and deemed worthy, because Shauna says, 'I'm not going to sleep, but you can stay.'
'Okay,' Jackie says, sitting in the chair beside Shauna, beside the crib. She goes to offer Shauna her hand again, but hesitates, lifting it into the air, then dropping it on her own lap, and then deciding to just leave it, lying limply, on the blanket beside Shauna's hip. She sees Shauna see it, and shift, and then take it.
The baby looks so much like Jackie's little boy. Jackie's been told that all babies look alike, but there's definitely something similar in the shape of their ears, the point of their noses, and, when the pink bundle opens her eyes, they're the same deep blue as her son's.
'She's beautiful,' Jackie says softly. Just like her mother sits on her tongue, and Jackie swallows it.
Shauna squeezes Jackie's hand quickly, and Jackie looks up to ask if she needs anything, but Shauna's brown eyes have slipped closed. Her breathing evens out, and her grip loosens, and Jackie holds Shauna's hand in hers and watches the little girl, her son's sister, sleep.
'You can go home,' Shauna tells Jackie abruptly as she wakes. 'I'm sure you're needed.'
This is only the third time Jackie's ever met Shauna, so she isn't going to push. She just nods and squeezes her wrist and says, 'I'll come back tomorrow.'
'I didn't ask you to,' Shauna says, but there's the slightest flicker of relief over her face.
'I know,' Jackie says.
Jackie returns with chicken soup and her son in a carrier.
'Hey,' Jackie says, offering Shauna the soup, 'the food here sucks so I thought you might want this.' She hesitates suddenly, pulling it backwards, 'you're not allergic to anything, are you? No food restrictions?'
Shauna shakes her head and reaches for the cup, 'I'm only allergic to a lack of seasoning.'
Jackie hands it to her, and then nods down at her son, 'sorry for not warning you that we were both coming. I didn't want to ambush you, but can't ask my mother to watch him again this week.'
'It's fine,' Shauna says, but it's short and clipped, like she hadn't noticed the carrier sooner and now Jackie was carrying a reminder of her husband's betrayal. Her son is facing forward, and blinks his big blue eyes at Shauna, and Jackie sees Shauna melt beneath the same eyes as her daughter. Shauna takes a small sip from the cup, swallows, licks her lips, doesn't notice how Jackie stares at the flick of her tongue, and then says, a little warmer, 'he should meet his sister.'
Jackie beams, and leans down to the little pink cot. 'Look, Caleb,' she says softly, not seeing Shauna flinch, 'it's your baby sister.'
And then Shauna snaps, 'get out!'
Jackie stands back upright, 'what?'
'Get out!'
Shauna's furious, sitting up in bed, eyes wild and fiery, face twisted.
'Get the fuck away from us!'
Jackie follows orders, carrying Caleb out of the room. She hears the cup of soup splash and thud against the door as soon as it closes.
Jackie isn't sure she should go back to the hospital, but she does, anyway.
Shauna tenses as soon as Jackie pushes open the door of 2525.
'I don't want to see you.' Shauna says immediately, clutching her daughter protectively to her chest. Jackie's interrupted her feeding, by the looks of it. Another thing to apologise for.
'Why are you mad at me?' Jackie asks. She can think of plenty of reasons for Shauna to be mad. She screwed Shauna's husband, she had Shauna's husband's baby, she blew Shauna's life apart weeks before she gave birth, but Shauna already knew all of that and had invited her to the hospital anyway.
'I'll call security if you don't leave right now you fucking psychopath,' Shauna spits.
'I'm sorry for bringing Caleb but-'
'Don't say his name!' Shauna's voice cracks as she screams it at Jackie, and she jerks her arms like she wants to throw something, but she's holding her baby closer than ever, like Jackie might do something to the perfect little girl wrapped in pink.
Jackie can't leave Shauna. Not now. It feels like she's bolted to the floor, watching the woman shake against her mattress.
She takes stock of what she knows.
It's not much.
Shauna, stressed and irritable, outside of birthing class. Shauna, who carried her pregnancy like a second skin, like she'd done it before. Shauna, teary and snotty, pleading desperately for Jackie to say she heard the baby crying.
She can't see the full picture. There's too much missing. But she can put together that something went wrong for Shauna, and that Caleb is at the centre of it.
'Jeff picked the name,' Jackie says, and Shauna looks murderous. 'Said it was to honour a dead relative.'
Shauna swallows, and looks down at her daughter, cuddled to her bare chest. 'Did he say who?'
'His brother. He said he… he said his brother was stillborn. He wanted Caleb to remember him.'
Shauna doesn't say anything for a long time, and Jackie won't break this silence, because Shauna needs it. Shauna strokes the tuft of dark hair on top of the baby's head, and then says, voice measured and clipped, 'this is Callie. Named after her brother. Caleb. Stillborn.'
'Shit,' Jackie says.
'Yeah.'
'I'm so fucking sorry,' Jackie offers, but it's paltry compared to all of the shit Jackie has dumped on her.
'You don't have to apologise,' Shauna says, 'you didn't do it.'
Jackie is sure she has plenty to apologise for, but she lets Shauna's words hang between them for a few moments before saying, 'I think Jeff might be the psycho here.'
Shauna snickers. 'Hopefully it's not genetic.'
'It won't be,' Jackie says, looking down at Callie, her son's eyes looking back, 'not with moms like us. We'll keep them safe from all his bullshit.'
'Yeah,' Shauna says, a slight smile gracing her lips as she looks at Callie. It might be the first smile Jackie's seen on Shauna. She likes it. 'Fuck Jeff and his shitty fucking family. We don't need people who don't give a shit around our kids.'
Jackie flinches at that, and Shauna clocks it, because of course she does. She nods to the chair beside the bed, and Jackie hesitates before sitting.
Shauna gives Jackie a few moments to offer up the information, and when she doesn't, Shauna says, 'no pressure but I did just tell you about my stillborn.'
'It's just…' Jackie sighs, 'my parents. They're… old fashioned. They weren't happy when I got pregnant, and Jeff said he'd marry me, except…'
'Except he was married to me.'
'And then he sort of ghosted me. And my parents aren't happy with having a bastard for a grandson.'
'Assholes,' Shauna says, and Jackie is inclined to agree.
'But what can you do? My son needs grandparents.'
'My daughter doesn't have any,' Shauna says, soft and sad. There's a hollowness to it, like Shauna's accepted this years ago, not weeks.
'Sorry,' Jackie says, because she's in the habit of apologising to Shauna.
'Stop apologising,' Shauna repeats.
'Sorry.'
Shauna snorts, 'so how… involved… are your parents then?'
'Well, I live with them,' Jackie tells her, 'my mom is actually watching him now.'
'Oh,' Shauna nods in understanding, 'so are you looking for work?'
'Oh no,' Jackie says, 'I've got a job, I'm just living with them for childcare.'
Shauna frowns then, 'so… Caleb,' Shauna chokes a little on the name, 'is living with your parents who don't like him to save on daycare?'
'Jesus,' Jackie says, 'you can be pretty judgemental, you know that?'
'Sorry, not judging, just… clarifying. I'm looking for work, I was wondering if you had any leads.'
It's Jackie's turn to frown now, 'you need a job? What did you do before?'
Shauna winces, and then says, eyes locked on Callie and a flush on her face, 'I'm… I've always been a housewife. After Caleb I…'
'You don't need to explain yourself to me,' Jackie says, 'but can I ask what your living situation is now?'
'I'm at the house. Jeff is with Allie.'
'Allie? His sister?'
Shauna blinks at Jackie, 'you think Allie is his sister?'
'That's what he told me.'
'She's his girlfriend.'
Jackie pauses and blinks and then says, 'so he was cheating on me, too?'
Shauna raises a brow, 'I think it's the same amount of cheating.'
'Douchebag,' Jackie scoffs, 'so you're just living in his house?'
'Yeah. I'm going to get a job and then move out, but everything is so fucking expensive and I haven't had a job since the summer I graduated. ShopRite. Called the manager a cunt. Can't really get a reference.'
'And what about your family? If you don't mind me asking?'
Callie has latched to Shauna successfully, and Shauna is stroking her cheek as praise. 'Dad walked out. Mom died. Both only children so no extended.'
'So you've only…' Jackie stops herself, but Shauna knows what she's about to say. Shauna's only got Jeff and the little girl in her arms.
Jackie has an immediate idea, which she knows is terrible and that she shouldn't suggest it because of how bad an idea it is. She does anyway.
'Move in with me.'
'What?'
'I need to get away from my parents, you need to get away from the douchebag. We should live together. It won't be anything fancy but it'll be better than what we're doing now. I can pay, and you can watch the kids until you find something.'
Shauna stares at Jackie, strange and longing and disturbed, 'you barely know me.'
'I know that our kids are going to be in each other's lives for the rest of their lives, and that Jeff isn't. Not with Caleb, at least. So if I want my son to know his sister, we need to be friends. Or at least tolerate each other.'
'How does that equate to roommates?'
Jackie sighs. She wishes she'd properly grasped how stubborn Shauna was before she pitched this. 'I need to get away from my parents. You need to get away from the scumbag. I need childcare. You need a place to live. Our kids are siblings. How does this not make perfect sense?'
Shauna looks down at big blue eyes and soft brown hair, and sighs. It does make sense. It's not a perfect solution, but Shauna has nowhere else to go in the most literal sense possible, and Jeff is convinced he can fix the marriage he's still breaking the vows of, and she doesn't want to take Callie home to Jeff now she knows about the other Caleb.
'And,' Jackie adds, 'it's not like I'd be leaving you completely alone with two newborns. My work has insane benefits. I've got another two months off with full pay and then I can work remotely for a few more after that. Plenty of time to get to know each other.'
Shauna tears her gaze from Callie, angling it towards honey blonde hair and soft hazel eyes and a terrifyingly hopeful grin, and knows her answer even before she says it.