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Vash knew he needed to talk to Wolfwood. With how things were going he might not get another chance. But how could he even tell him something like that? Something so personal. Something that'd likely be nothing but a burden to him. Something that could ruin their friendship, which Vash had recently realized was one of the few things keeping him going.
Wolfwood meanwhile knew something was up. Vash was being a complete pain in the ass, in a different way than usual. Sure he'd get them into trouble they could have easily avoided. Or just being so happy-go-lucky when things were clearly going to shit. But lately he was eerily quiet. Like, he was known for keeping secrets, but this was way worse than usual. And when Wolfwood would dare to pry he was met with snippy one-word answers. ‘What the hell have I done this time?’ he wondered to himself, trying to remember if he'd done anything to piss Vash off. Well he had flicked a rubber band at his face, though Vash had totally deserved that. And would he really be that annoyed by something so simple? As he laid there in the hotel bed contemplating his past actions Vash finally came in, seemingly drunk, and flopped onto his own bed. “Geez, am I that bad of company that you'd rather go out drinkin’ than spend time with me?”
“Thas not it atall.” Vash slurred in response, “Jus had somethings tothink bout s’all” he added, continuing to avoid Wolfwood’s gaze.
“Riiiiiiiiight. So guess you still ain't gonna tell me what has yer panties in a bunch?”
“Whatcha talkin’ ‘bout? I'm perfectly fine!” Vash said with the least convincing smile Wolfwood had seen on their entire travels together.
“Uh huh. Whatever, you don't hafta tell me anything ya don't want to, but I'd appreciate you not lyin’ to my face like that.”
“Wolfwood…..”
“I know yer pissed at me for somethin’, hell maybe I deserve it, and either you can tell me and we can talk it out, or you can stop holdin’ it against me!” Wolfwood knew better than pressing Vash like this when he's already this on edge. He knew this was the exact wrong thing to do. That it'd just make him want to self isolate more, or worse, run away. But he was only human, and couldn't handle being treated like this a second longer.
“Wolfwood…..I swear it's not like that….” Vash responded after a painfully long pause, looking like the call out had sobered him up.
“Then why’ve you been avoidin’ me lately?”
“I…..I'm not avoiding you…..” Vash looked pale, he looked as stressed as he had during the fight with Leonof, which had Wolfwood equal parts confused and worried.
“Then what's wrong, Spikey? And don't say nothin’ cause it's OBVIOUSLY somethin’!”
“I’m sorry, Wolfwood……I can't….”
“Dammit Needle-Noggin’, I know I'm not the best when it comes to stuff like this, but bottlin’ it up ain't helpin’ any.”
“I know it isn't……but I just…..”
“Just what? Why can't you tell me?”
“Because it's about you,” Vash squeaked out.
“WHAT THE HELL?! YOU JUST SAID IT WASN’T LIKE THAT?!” He yelled, flapping his hands as he's prone to doing.
“DAMMIT, THIS IS WHY I DON'T TALK TO YOU!”
“OH, SO YOU WERE MAD AT ME!”
“I'M NOT MAD, DAMMIT!!!”
“OH, SO THIS IS JUST YER NORMAL INSIDE VOICE!”
“DAMMIT, JUST SHUT UP!!!” Vash yelled glaring at Wolfwood til he sat back down. “I knew it'd go like this……at best you wouldn't take it seriously and at worst you'd…..” Wolfwood couldn't hear the last part but he understood the gravity of the situation.
“S-sorry I'll take this seriously. Please tell me.”
“No stupid jokes? No interrupting?”
“Cross my heart, swear to die,” Wolfwood replied with a Hail Mary.
“And most importantly,” Vash intentionally paused to see if he was serious, and to Wolfwood's credit he sat silently, all attention on Vash, “You won't get upset with me…..”
“I….I can't promise that without knowin’ what it is but I'll do my best,” to his relief Vash seemed to appreciate the honesty.
“Alright……so you know how old I am right?”
“‘Well you act like an old man so fifty something?” Wolfwood guessed half joking.
“Try triple that. One hundred and fifty three to be exact,” Vash ignored Wolfwood’s shocked expression and continued, “and not once have I ever felt…..feelings…..like this…..” Wolfwood fought the urge to ask for clarification, “And it makes sense. Plants reproduce asexually. Why would we need feelings like that?” Wolfwood seemed like he was doing mental calculus at that statement. “Two years ago I felt something strange, though with Geneora Rock and the amnesia I didn't really have time to think about it. But recently they've come back. And I’ve been trying to ignore them……but they just seem to be getting more intense…..and I just…..GODDAMMIT WOLFWOOD ARE YOU LAUGHING?!”
“I'm sorry I'm tryin’ not to! But I didn't think,” he stifles more laughter and continues, “I just wasn't expectin’ the great Vash the Stampede to be strugglin’ with ‘feelings’ like a teenage boy! WAIT DON’T LEAVE I'LL STOP I'M SORRY!” Wolfwood collected himself and finally responded. “Ok, ok, first things first. Do you have genitals?”
“WHAT THE HELL WOLFWOOD?!” Vash was seconds away from beating him senseless.
“Well if ya don't then I actually have zero idea how to handle this. But if ya do, well then there's options.” Oh god, Wolfwood was actually trying to be helpful.
“Yes I have genitals,” Vash whispered almost inaudibly.
“Ok good, we can work with that!” Vash squirmed uncomfortably at that phrasing. Wolfwood meanwhile lit a cigarette to calm his nerves and hopefully hide his own unease at this sort of topic. If it weren't Vash, he'd have passed along the job to anyone else, but for him he'd power through it. “So uh depending on what kind ya got, there's different ways to ‘relieve’ those feelings. We can pick up a book in the next town for specifics.”
“Uh, Wolfwood, not that I don't appreciate the thought, I-”
“Oooooh you were thinking of actually doing that with someone else,” he replied, confident he understood the issue now. “Well I'm sure there's plenty of people who'd be willing to sleep with ya, and unless it's weird down there we can just pick anyone,” he did not understand the issue.
“I HAVE FEELINGS FOR A PERSON WOLFWOOD!!!” Vash blurted out, tired of hearing Wolfwood’s inane rambling.
“OH!” Wolfwood blushed, embarrassed he hadn't picked up on it sooner. “Well shit is it someone I know?”
“Yes.”
“Ok well that means I can help break the ice if need be. Let me guess, Meryl?”
“No.”
“Milly?”
“No.”
“Jessica?”
“Hell no! She's like a sister to me!”
“Huh well then I'm stumped….oh wait….oooooh you swing that way. Don't worry I may be religious but I don't judge! So a guy huh. Let's see. Could be Brandon. Or maybe Brad? Sure hope it isn't one of the guys we've fought, that'd be way harder to set up, but for you Spikey I'm willing to try-”
“GODDAMMIT IT'S YOU, YOU DUMBASS!!!” Vash didn't know who he was more mad at, Wolfwood for being this dense or himself for falling for such a moron.
Wolfwood simply sat there slack-jawed, his cigarette falling out of his mouth. He felt like an idiot forgetting that Vash had in fact said it was about him earlier. He saw the sad panicked look on Vash's face and knew he needed to say something, ANYTHING, to reassure him, but his mind was a total blank right now.
“I'll just go……” Vash said after even more uncomfortable silence. Before he could make it to the door Wolfwood jumped up and grabbed his wrist.
“Wait! I don't wantcha to leave! I'm just…….processing.”
“It's ok, Wolfwood….you can tell me you're not interested, I can take it.” Despite his gentle face and soft voice, Wolfwood could see just how distressed Vash was.
“That's not it….that's not what….” Wolfwood struggled to come up with words to verbalize his feelings. “Uh…..you absolutely sure it's me ya like?” Vash only responded with a glare that said ‘Are you fucking serious right now?’ so he back pedaled. “I just…..never expected anyone to like me that way…..I don't exactly know how to react.”
“Well…..what do you think about me?” Vash seemed sad at the thought that Wolfwood didn't think he was desirable.
“Ugh yer really putting me on the spot here. Not that I have any right to bitch, I did it to ya first. Honestly, I've been tryin’ to figure that out for a while now. You drive me crazy, and ya piss me off so much, yet I really like havin’ ya around, and there's no one I'd rather have by my side in a fight. You scare me shitless, yet I also feel strangely at peace when I'm with ya.” Vash looked at him expectantly hoping there was more. “Dammit Spikey, I don't know! I've never liked anyone that way before either!”
“Really?”
“Really.” He answers back with a sigh, psyching himself up to tell Vash his own secret. “I….. didn't exactly experience puberty like a normal person.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well….for starters…..I'm not as old as I look…..when I was a teen…..and shoulda been learnin’ about and feelin’ all those things……that's when the Eye of Michael took me.”
“The Eye of Michael?”
“They're an order of Plant worshipping assassins,” he didn’t dare look at Vash's face as he said that. He knew every part of that sentence would be upsetting to him, and he didn't want to see the disappointment on his face, “They do all these strange experiments on people to make them the perfect weapons. And by people I mean children; orphans specifically, cause no one will miss them if something goes wrong.” Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Vash wince at that, whether it was because of the realization of what Wolfwood was or learning such an organization existed he couldn't say.
“Wolfwood…..I had no idea…..”
“Heh….you really thought my skills were natural? Nah…..it was whatever they pumped inside of me…..like, I did train a lot, but not to the degree I should be able to keep up with you.” Noticeably shaking, Wolfwood lit another cigarette.
“You don't have to say anymore if you don't want to, Wolfwood.”
“No….there's no reason to stop now. Plus yer probably the only one I'd feel ok tellin’ this to.” He paused to take a drag, and regain his train of thought. “Well….I don't remember much, thank God…..one day I was a kid thinking I was going to do missionary work, the next I was a living weapon with a body I didn't recognize. Believe it or not I'm actually only in my early twenties.” Wolfwood tried to remember exactly how old he was, but try as he might, that eluded him.
“Wolfwood, I……” Vash struggled to come up with the words to say after hearing such a thing. He felt a little happy that Wolfwood would reveal something so personal about himself, but that made him feel immense guilt, he shouldn't feel happy at all hearing something so depressing.
“So yeah needless to say I don't really have experience with that sort of thing, none with sex itself. I honestly don't know what I want or IF I want anythin’ in that department. So sorry about earlier. I honestly was laughin’ to hide my own insecurities about the subject.”
“No don't apologize, I came on so strong and I was so caught up in my own feelings and wants that I didn't even think about you-”
“Imma stop ya right there, again I was the one who pushed ya into talkin’ remember? Geez yer a century an’ a half old and ya still don't know it's fine to be selfish every once in a while?” Vash rolled his eyes at the admonishment. Of course he knew that. Doesn't make it any easier to actually do it though. “Uh so what's it feel like?”
“What?!”
“Well uh like I said, I didn't exactly experience things normally so I don't exactly,” again Wolfwood was waving his hands, this time to try and distract himself from his embarrassment, his cigarette sadly not doing nearly enough for his nerves. “it's not exactly like anyone ever told me…..you know.”
“Ah well it's like….” Vash then proceeded to go into detail about how being turned on felt for a Plant. At first it sounded fairly normal but as he went into more detail out of overcompensating for his embarrassment it became clear what he felt was a decent amount different than what humans experience.
“Damn, you feel all that for little old me,” Wolfwood finally replied after an awkward silence, trying to lighten the mood with a joke.
“Yes, though I'm increasingly wondering why.” Vash replied almost entirely in jest.
“Well I haven't felt anything that extreme but…..I do feel this warm fuzzy feeling whenever I'm with you, as clichéd as that is to say.”
“Is it wrong that I'm relieved you feel something for me?”
“Yer hard not to feel things for Spikey. I'd be surprised if a lot of people haven't fallen for you.”
“Well unfortunately for them there seems to be only one person for me.”
“Damn, you really meant that?” Wolfwood asked, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.
“Meant what?”
“That I'm……the only one…..you've ever….felt that way for?” he sputtered, not being able to look Vash in the eye.
“Oh uh…..well……yeah…..just you,” Vash replied, worried he was gonna overwhelm him. Judging by the stunned silence his worries were well founded.
“Well shit you've got bad taste,” he replied with a laugh trying to diffuse the awkwardness with humor.
“Don't say that about yourself.” Vash stated with surprising severity.
“Well it's true.”
“It is not! Dammit, Wolfwood, don't put yourself down like that. You're the most amazing person I know.”
“Yer exaggerating.”
“I am not! You're endlessly kind, the funniest guy I know, besides myself of course, and so damn beautiful-”
“And a sinner with more blood on my hands than you can imagine,” Wolfwood interrupted, unable to handle the compliments.
“That's not….I don't…..Wolfwood I–”
“It's fine Spikey, ya don't have to comfort me. It's the truth.”
“Then what about me? What about Julai? Do I deserve love after what I did to all those people? After what I did to the moon? If you're a sinner, then I'm a monster.”
“That's not the same!”
“Aren't they? So do I deserve love after everything I've done?”
“Of course ya do!” Wolfwood replied without any hesitation.
“Then why is it any different for you?” Vash retorted matter of factly.
“Dammit, Spikey, that's not fair usin’ logic against me like that,” Wolfwood finally answered. Then with a sigh he added, “Look….I don't know….if I can be enough for you.”
“You're more than enough, Wolfwood-”
“That's not what I meant……I more meant…..I like ya a lot, more than I've ever liked anyone if I'm honest, but I don't….I don't have those same urges like you do.”
“Oh. Well that's not that big of a deal.”
“How is it not? This whole conversation started cause you have these extreme feelin's for me and now yer saying it's fine if you can never act on them?” Vash took a minute to respond to Wolfwood's question, feeling he needed to pick his words carefully.
“Of course I'd be fine with that-”
“Ya sure you aren't just sayin’ that?”
“Yes I'm sure! I honestly figured you weren't even going to like me back so-”
“Is that why you were bottlin’ everything up?”
“Well yeah. I didn't want to lose you. Because having you in my life, whether as a friend or something more,” Vash clasped Wolfwood’s hands as he said this, “is the most important thing to me.”
“Shit….more important than saving people or stopping yer brother?” Wolfwood looked away blushing
“Ok, at least as important as those. But lately when I look at you all I think is ‘I want to spend all my tomorrows with him.’” Wolfwood looked back to Vash who was staring at him with extreme longing. He looked so fragile, as if he'd break if rejected right now.
“Well shit, Spikey, if you're really ok with a broken man like me…..well I'd find that agreeable.”
The two men hugged each other tightly, something they'd never thought of doing mere days ago, but now it felt like the most natural thing in the world, like where they belong. That night they shared a bed, Vash holding Wolfwood tightly as if he was afraid he'd disappear if he let go. Wolfwood didn't mind though, it was nice to feel so wanted by someone. And all the worries he’d had about not being good enough and not being able to satisfy Vash's desires faded as he fell asleep. He didn't know how, but he was certain they'd find a way to make everything work out.