Chapter Text
Ever since he was born, he was an only child. His mother constantly worried for him, obviously, he’s her only child. He didn’t want to see her worried, so he developed a habit of hiding his feelings.
Growing up in Nagano he was always surrounded by nature, year round. In summer he would join the forest, explore and sit by the creek, talking to the water.
He explained his feelings to the water, as if it understood him, carrying his worries with the stream.
Now he lived in Tokyo he didn’t have access to that relief, he’s stuck with going for walks, but he doesn’t have the same privacy, and the nature is worse. Overall it’s a very downgraded version of what he once had.
In the breaks, they rarely have due to promotions, comebacks ect he spends most of his time either walking, shopping, watching movies or just on his phone.
This particular break almost all of his members were out at some event, he hadn’t gotten invited to because he was too young.
Harua was all alone, with nobody to talk to. I mean, Maki and Taki had asked if he wanted to go to an arcade with them…but he didn’t want to go, so they left together.
Now being alone he needed something to distract himself, he didn’t want to do the stuff he usually did, he needed something else.
He was kinda depressed recently, he didn’t know why. He searched up “I feel sad” on TikTok, just to relate a bit to other random people. He saw a video about cutting…cutting? He’d heard about it before but never understood why people did that, harm themselves? Thats stupid.
He got curious, so he searched up why a person would cut themselves, to feel relief? He needed relief of his emotions too, but isn’t that a bit excessive?
Finally, after contemplating, he decided to try it himself, he wouldn’t ever go as far the the other people on the internet do, no way. But, he just wanted to try and nobody was home, so why not?
He sat down on the toilet seat, he knew it was stupid, but it’s a one time thing! He started digging through the drawers underneath the sink, trying to find something, anything to try it with. A needle? Too small. A knife from the kitchen? that sounds ethical, but according to others on the internet, it wasn’t.
He found one of his members razors, was it K’s or maki’s? He doesn’t remember but, it doesn’t matter anyway.
He disassembled the razor as fast as possible, the event ended in about 45 minutes, and he was sure maki and taki would come home, just a bit earlier than that.
Once he was done disassembling it, he took one of the blades up between his thumb and pointer finger, holding it like a pencil.
He didn’t want to look while he did, what he did. He looked up and closed his eyes shut.
He quickly dragged the blade across his upper right thigh. At first, he just wanted it to be done with, he quickly did it once again, and again, and again, and again.
He looked down, he saw the cuts transform from bright white to being covered by red, his blood. He panicked, why was it white? Had he hit something? What would the others think of him if they found out? What should he do! He picked up a cloth soaked with lukewarm water. He had prepared it before starting, he dabbed the cuts with it, the cloth slowly turnt red as it was picking the red liquid from his thighs up. Fuck, it hurts.
He finished cleaning himself up, cleaning the blade, putting it right back to where he got it from, and left the bathroom.
He put his pyjamas on, he couldn’t belive what he had just done, he went back on the website he had seen these comments, which made him do it in the first place. Styro? He hit styro first try? The second layer of the skin? There’s also something called beans and fascia? What the fuck, who would mutilate themselves like that, then again…
He kind of understood it now though, the panic and pain did distract him.
The other members had come home at this point, they were all exhausted from interacting with interviewers all day, obviously except maki and taki. They had fun, still hyper about winning some 260cm plushy from a big ass machine. They had tried a few times before, but they finally got it this time.
Harua left his room, he wanted to hear about they’re day so he sat down at the table, they usually ate dinner together. As the others finished putting they’re outdoor clothes away they slowly invaded the chairs around the table, one by one.
Fuma had ordered food on the way home, 20 minutes ago, so it would come faster.
As the food arrived, Yuma was sent out to pay them and pick it up. Maki was sharing the story about the plushie, still excited. Harua tried listening to him, he was happy that maki was happy, really. But he just couldn’t focus on anything else, but the stinging sensation underneath his pants. and the shame…the shame was the worst part, he felt like he had failed his parents, and his members, who had always protected him and cared for him so deeply. He felt as if he was throwing all their efforts out.
“Are you okay?” It sounded from the other side of the table, harua didn’t detect it as he had disassociated. “Harua.” It sounded from the leader this time, a diffrent voice this time. Harua shook his head, he looked around the table as he saw Euijoo’s eyes locked with his, Fuma and K’s worried gazes casted in his direction
“Yes, I’m fine why?” Harua said trying to convince himself, not only the others. They didn’t buy it, he knew they didn’t. But they didn’t push futher and evaded their gazes, he was grateful for they’re concern but also grateful they didn’t find out, yet.