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When did things get so complicated? Everything was so good before. Zanka doesn’t understand why it seems as if time is moving on so fast and he is being left behind. He used to do better. He used to be able to be better. There was nothing he couldn’t achieve as long as he worked hard for it.
At least that’s what he thought.
Now he was away from what he once considered his home. Away from those who he thought were his family. They didn’t want him anymore though. No, he was useless to them. He had disappointed them.
He wasn’t good enough for them.
Zanka realized he wasn’t anything special. He didn’t come in a package with any special talents. All of his achievements came from many hours of hard work. So when the opportunity of choosing a weapon came, he picked the plain looking stick, hoping that if an ordinary stick could become something strong, that there was a chance for him too.
It was a lifeline that he clung onto for dear life.
But… nothing ever happened. They linked and he activated her and- She was just a stick. She was nothing special, just like Zanka. Something in him snapped that day. A foreboding sort of dread opening up a pit in his stomach. A cunning realization that all of his efforts, his best, wasn’t enough.
Zanka just wanted to make them proud. He tried so hard for so long, but it was never going to be enough.
It felt like his entire world crumbled all at once. Everything he had worked for. His family… All of the things he did and everything he thought he wanted, down the drain.
Lovely Assistaff truly echoed the pitiful image of Zanka.
He still remembers how the cold stone of that well pressed against his back. His heart hurt as if someone had taken a hold of it and squeezed hard enough to make it increasingly uncomfortable. Zanka wanted to stop trying that day. If he could never be good enough, what was the point of trying in the first place?
Still, he clung to that stick. A small voice in his head that screamed at him to not let go. To not give up. To keep going, not for anyone else’s sake, but his own.
Zanka wanted to show them that someone as average as him can surpass a genius. He wanted to prove it to himself most of all, because if he did it and he succeeded, then that would mean that his life wasn’t a waste.
He can do it. He will be enough for himself.
He needs to be.
***
Zanka was making sure he got everything secured in his bag, when his ears picked up a whiny little voice sounding suspiciously like Rudo. He couldn’t make out exactly what he was complaining about, but it was for sure about Zanka. Enjin was there talking to him, explaining something. Zanka was just passing by the door of the room they were in anyway, he wasn’t being nosy.
“-Because, we have other things to do and Riyo is out as well with the others! Besides, it’s Zanka. He can handle this mission by himself no problem. I trust his skills.” Zanka could imagine Enjin was roughly patting Rudo’s hair, making it even messier.
A smile crept up on Zanka’s face without his permission. He began walking again, newfound confidence blooming in his chest.
Enjin believed in Zanka.
***
Enjin believed in him, so why did Zanka feel so awful?
He was elated after hearing his mentor’s words earlier. He’d been so amped up about doing perfectly on this mission because of it. Perhaps it was exactly due to that that his mood fell gradually.
Zanka is trying to prove his skills again, to make sure Enjin was right and that he would continue to trust him. This brought up bad memories, and with that, bad thoughts.
He should be used to them, really. They’re his, he’s had them for years and he always manages to make them go away by making progress forward. At least he thought he was getting rid of them. Maybe he was just pushing them to the back of his mind, but could you blame him? He didn’t really have time to wallow in his bad emotions, he had better things to do.
It came to bite him in the end, though. Zanka knew it would.
The bright flame of a candle burns hot, but no matter how small or big, it is always bound to run out. He’s been doing good for so long that he didn’t think anything of that inner voice of his creeping back up in his head, exposing all of the thoughts he didn’t want to have.
And Zanka especially didn’t need them right now. He couldn’t be having a battle with himself when he was in the middle of fighting a huge hoard of trash beasts. Not when the thoughts made him freeze up.
He wasn’t even having an issue with the job. It was easy enough that he wasn’t even breaking a sweat. The dangerous part came from himself. He was fighting a losing battle in his mind.
His feet felt too heavy to move and his energy too drained to try. Zanka was smart, he knew that if he didn’t move he would get badly hurt. There was a horned beast charging head first for him. If he were to remain still for just a few more seconds, it would hit him and he would bleed out in this deserted area.
He should really move.
Zanka felt all of the exhaustion hit him. Months and months worth of suppressed turmoil and feeling worn out washing over him in waves. Every time he thought he got better, got stronger, climbed higher, something happened to push him back down and remind him that he wasn’t special. An agonizing cycle of blazing highs and gut wrenching lows.
It all felt like he was drowning.
Under all of the motivation, all of the hard work, he was just tired. He wanted to stop. Wanted to stop trying so hard. To cease his quest in trying to…
That didn’t matter. Was it really Zanka’s goal anymore, or just the path of someone from the Nijiku family? His old self felt so detached and foreign from his present self.
He didn’t know. Zanka never knew. But he did think a lot. Right now, he briefly wonders if he should just let things play out as they are. Why try? He could remain where he is and let it all be done with.
It wouldn’t be him that killed him at least.
There was no one to disappoint in death at least. An eternal quiet.
That would be such a terrible shame though. An average guy taken out by something so much weaker than him. That would be just embarrassing.
Whatever sense of control he had swam up from under the crashing waves of his mind and made him move. Zanka barely evaded that trash beast. Twisting his body, hands tight around Lovely Assistaff, he swung and in one smooth motion hit clean through the beast and then redirected his momentum to clobber two more to his right.
Zanka couldn’t afford to let go of himself like this.
He swung at another beast.
Zanka hated how he was. He wanted to change. He wanted to get stronger. He wanted to be better. He wanted to make his family proud.
Lovely Assistaff hummed as she passed through the air. An intoxicating glow radiating off of her, trying to relate something that Zanka couldn’t understand.
He wanted to be a good teacher, hell, a good brother. He wanted people to be able to look up to him and to use him as a good example.
Zanka can’t do all of that if he lets go. He can’t.
He swung again, using way too much force than necessary and it almost sent him toppling over with the motion of it. His chest hurt so much.
He tried to entertain the idea of falling to a much stronger foe, but even that didn’t sit right with him. Especially that. Wasn’t it his goal to be better than those geniuses? There was no way he could die at the hands of one.
Zanka comes to a halt at the absence of enemies, gasping for air that wouldn’t come as he scans his surroundings. The corpses of the beasts were rapidly deteriorating all around him. Lovely still tight in his grasp, glowing warily.
It was just them two again. Just a guy and his stick.
Zanka’s mind felt like muffled static. He didn’t want to think anymore. Everything was so exhausting and Zanka was so very tired. Chest heaving and hurting, but not from anything physical. Zanka was done.
He was done with his mission. He’d done it without a scratch to himself, and in record time too. Zanka’s skills and fighting prowess weren’t the issue.
He was.
Lovely Assistaff glowed as she reverted back to her normal form. Zanka’s legs buckled and he fell to his knees, the only sound that reached his ears was his own wheezing.
***
Zanka was in that spot for a very long time. At some point he toppled over and was now lying on his side, Lovely resting in an unclutched hand in front of him. He hadn’t passed out. Zanka just rested there, cheek pressed against rough sand. Just existing for hours. He only registered that the sun had set when the communication device on his wrist started to buzz nonstop. Zanka felt it go off several times throughout the hours, but now that it started and wouldn’t stop, he couldn’t go back to the emptiness he allowed himself to drown in.
His eyes barely moved to the land on the hand loosely clinging to Lovely Assistaff. After mustering up the strength he moved his other hand to answer the call, as he then slowly dragged it a little closer to his head.
He was tired. He didn’t want to move.
A familiar voice laced with many complicated negative emotions boomed from the other end. Something in the middle of worry and panic, he thought. Whatever they were asking him, Zanka had failed to answer because he couldn’t process any words. When his silence remained, Zanka heard the familiar word that was his name, being called over and over.
The person on the other end was asking him so many questions. His location, if he was hurt, if there were enemies, and many others. This person was definitely mother henning him right now.
With that last thought, his brain clicked the pieces together and suddenly he knew who the voice belonged to.
“Enjin…?” His throat felt dry and the name came out like a small plea. It took more effort than Zanka thought to say that single name.
He shivered at the wind that passed. Right, it’s getting colder these days.
Enjin was talking on the line again. Words echoed in Zanka’s mind, the context of which evaded him. He didn’t like the worry that remained in Enjin’s voice. He hated worrying him. That’s why he had to do good, right? Zanka had been doing something earlier, cleaning, he thinks.
Whatever Enjin said was cut off by the quiet mumbling that left Zanka’s mouth. It didn’t make much sense to himself, but Enjin seems to have caught enough words.
“And are you alright, kid?” His words were so soft. It sounded like the times when Enjin would comfort Rudo after a nightmare. Small but firm whispers of reassurances to whisk away the bad images still replaying in his younger brother’s mind. “Wanna tell me where you are?”
Dull blue dragged so very slowly to scan his surroundings. He numbly realized that he was still in that same spot he was fighting those trash beasts earlier.
“Alright, kid. I’m on my way. Stay on the line with me, yeah?” Enjin was on the way? Zanka didn’t remember actually saying any words out loud. Swallowing whatever saliva he had to soothe his aching throat, he mustered up enough strength to consciously reply. “Yeah.”
Zanka stayed on the line, not that he had the strength to hang up or the heart to disobey a concerned Enjin. The latter, who kept carefully asking questions. Zanka only ever managed to hum in agreement or disagreement to some that he caught. Based on what he was able to answer, Enjin knew that Zanka was not injured, he was safe(ish), there were no enemies, he wasn’t poisoned, and that he couldn’t really move.
Another hour or so passed before the sound of someone rapidly approaching ran up to Zanka’s prone form. The person came to kneel in front of Zanka, scanning him for any injuries despite Zanka telling him that he didn’t get hurt.
Wait, this person was Enjin!
Zanka’s eyes gained a little more life to them when he realized that. A little more power to follow Enjin’s movements. When he ceased his nervous checking, Enjin looked at Zanka with furrowed brows. The back of his hand came up to check Zanka’s temperature. His scowl deepened when he didn’t find anything physically wrong with Zanka.
“You sure you didn’t get poisoned with somethin’? Maybe inhaled a cloud of suspicious dust?” He asked one last time, hoping to identify the problem, if not eliminate other options. Zanka weakly shook his head.
They sat in silence while Enjin thought on what to do next. It looked like dissociation, foggy awareness maybe. Enjin didn’t really know how to help with that, but he would try his best. He’d seen this empty look several times on Zanka before, and every time he managed to seamlessly guide him out of whatever thoughts he was swallowed in. Everything had been going so good for a while now so Enjin thought that Zanka was alright. He missed the small signs.
Enjin reached out and began to run his fingers through Zanka’s hair. He moved his bangs away from his face and swiped his thumb at a small smudge of sand on his cheek. “You’re alright, kid. It’s alright.” Enjin’s hands were warm despite the weather. “We can stay here a little while longer if you want, but we gotta go home at some point. Rudo’s been wanting to show you a drawing he made of you.”
Enjin took out Umbreaker and put it on the ground where he knew Zanka could see. “Wanna try telling me what color Umbreaker is? Get your vocal cords some movement.” He suggested. Zanka hummed. A color? Zanka could do that. “Grey.” His mentor nodded in agreement. “Yeah, used to be white, but I guess she’s seen better days.”
Another gust of wind passed and Zanka felt himself shiver harder this time. Enjin also felt him shiver, as his hand was still running through Zanka’s hair. “You chilly kid? Car’s warm. Let’s, uh, try a couple more things to get ya movin’ a little.” He thought for a moment. “What’s your jinki called?” Zanka felt as if someone slapped him. His gaze wandered down to his staff, his hand coming to grasp it as tightly as he could. Emotions crept up from the pit that Zanka had thrown them in earlier. His eyes stung before his vision got blurry. Enjin panicked, but before he could begin to salvage the situation, Zanka answered. “Lovely Assistaff…”
He felt like he was choking on what little air made it in his lungs. Zanka tried and failed to stop the sobs, but it was a dam that was already too far broken. He wailed, and all Enjin could do was pull him up to his chest and hug him tight.
Like Zanka could disappear if he were to let go.
Enjin’s warm hands supported Zanka, one firm across his back, and the other on the back of his head. He hushed small words of comfort on deaf ears, but him just being there, holding Zanka so dearly, helped. Him, caring, helped.
After a little while, Zanka’s trembling hands found their way to Enjin’s shirt, and he held on for dear life. Enjin’s hand rubbed soothing circles on his back, hoping it helped even just a little.
They stayed there for a very long time, neither of them speaking, but both feeling so much. Enjin shifted, removing his hands from Zanka for a moment. The latter almost let out a sob at the loss of contact, but soon, warm hands cupped his face as it was then tilted up to look at Enjin.
Zanka’s eyes were red and puffy and there was tears and snot running down his face. He felt miserable and he didn’t really want his mentor to see the pathetic expression on his face. When he got the courage to look up, he saw that Enjin was smiling. “There he is.” Enjin used his thumbs to wipe away the tears. “Sorry, asked a bad question. At least you’re back with me. I’m glad, kid.” Zanka sniffled. Enjin’s brows furrowed again. “Zanka, what happened?”
The question was so simple, and yet, Zanka couldn’t answer. He opened his mouth, then closed it. What happened? He was fighting the trash beasts, and then he realized how tired he was. But why did he shut down like some sort of toy with its batteries taken out?
“I don’t know.” He didn’t. Nothing happened to trigger him. “I…” his chest hurt “I finished the job. I was tired. I didn’t want-” he cut himself off. He didn’t want to do what? Move? Leave? Go home? Live? No, all of these were wrong. He didn’t want to be stuck there. He wanted to go home and he wanted to live! But everything felt so draining. He just wanted to stop for a little while and just rest. “I’m tired, Enjin.” They both knew what he meant.
One of Enjin’s hands came up to stroke at Zanka’s hair again. “That’s alright. It’s alright to feel bad sometimes.” Zanka’s eyes began to water again. “Our brains can be a little mean to us. We just gotta beat them, that’s all.” He felt so childish in relishing the gentle touch. He never had this with them. “You gotta take time for yourself, kid. Rest a while. Let yourself feel. You know no one is going to judge you for it at home.” Enjin tried to give an encouraging little smile. Zanka was trying to control his breathing.
“It’s alright to make mistakes. It’s natural to come across challenges.” Enjin’s thumb tapped Zanka’s cheek a few times, bringing the boy’s gaze back up to Enjin. “Zanka, it’s alright to cry.”
Zanka’s heart felt like it was trying to tear its way out of his chest. He genuinely thought that it might stop beating anytime now. The air around him was freezing by now, but it entered his lungs with no regard to the temperature. Zanka was bawling his eyes out again. His hands never unclutched from Enjin’s shirt. He threw himself into Enjin’s embrace again, and his mentor returned it fully. Holding him again in a secure hug. The pressure was reassuring. It let Zanka know that Enjin was there.
***
The car ride back was quiet for the first twenty minutes. Zanka was staring out of the window, absent-mindedly rubbing at his swollen eyes while swaddled in Enjin’s uniform coat.
“I tried really hard.”
“I know you did.”
“I think I wanted to prove them wrong.”
“That you’re strong?”
“That I was worth loving.”
Enjin’s heart tightened. Zanka remained quiet. The road stretched on. It really was warmer in the car than outside.
“Zanka, you were a kid. You derived to be loved. Hear me when I say, they’re the ones that didn’t deserve you.” The car jumped up and down as they ran over a bigger rock. “You’re enough, kiddo. You’re perfect the way you are. Everyone at HQ loves you. We all love you. Rudo can’t stop asking about when you’d come back whenever you go out for any reason. The kid is basically glued to your side. Riyo always goes out of her way to make sure she has time to hang out with you, so you two can go to the city and shop together.” Zanka saw Enjin wipe his face. “I love you, kid. I care about you. I can’t stop telling Gris about you because I’m so damned proud of you. It means the world to me that you and the other kids look at me the way you do.”
The car bobbed up and down as they went over steeper hills.
“I would never want to go back there. I love my new family. I just…”
He couldn’t find the words. But Enjin could.
“You want to shove it in their faces. What they ruined.”
Zanka nodded. Enjin saw from the corner of his eye.
“Then you just gotta keep going, yeah? Not for them, but for us- for you.”
“Yeah.”
***
Zanka’s hand moved in practiced motion as he rewrapped Lovely Assistaff. He was sitting on his bed. Rudo had insisted on them hanging out in his room, something about how Zanka never spent time with him anymore. Which was a lie, but Zanka didn’t mind this calm atmosphere. Just him taking care of Lovely and Rudo fixing an old music box at the foot of his bed.
It was peaceful.
And then his window swung open and a flash of red jumped inside. Riyo made herself comfortable on the bed next to Zanka, moving his pillow around so that they had more space. Zanka and Rudo were less than surprised by her entrance as she’s been entering their rooms this way for a long time.
No one said anything. They just remained in silence. It was comforting.
Zanka finished tying the last of the wrap on his staff, before he turned her over in his hands, giving her a last check. She emitted a low light as if she was content with the maintenance work done on her. Zanka mirrored her and smiled proudly.
Rudo yelped when a piece flew out and whacked his forehead, calling it something that sounded an awful lot like ‘turdface’, before he went back to fixing the little box. A laugh came from the door and all three of their heads turned in unison.
“Damn, yall hanging out without me? Don’t tell me my kids hate me that much!” He wailed dramatically, falling against the doorframe. Zanka laughed at Enjin and Riyo cackled at a now spluttering Rudo, torn between annoyance and reassurance. Enjin grinned before waving them to follow. “C’mon guys, dinner time.” With that, he turned around. The others followed behind Enjin not unlike little ducklings.
This is where he wanted to be.
This was Zanka's family.