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You're running as fast as you can, tears welling up in your eyes as you run faster and faster to your room. All you wanted to do right now was hide, from everything. From him.
You don't even understand what you did wrong. One moment you were having a great time with your boyfriend, and the next, he tells you that he wants to break up with you.
It wasn't sweet. He had done it harshly as if he wanted you hurt. But he would never hurt you purposely, right?
It doesn't matter now, he did hurt you. You loved him so damn much, and he threw it all away with one conversation. A few words.
He left you. He didn't love you anymore.
...heh, it was your fault, wasn't it?
You were probably too clingy, or too selfish, or too greedy? Whatever the reason, you hated it. You hated that unknown part of yourself that caused this.
No, it wasn't unknown. It was very clear.
It's not something specific in you.
It is you.
You are the problem.
You ran faster and faster, nearing your room. It was getting harder to hold in those damn tears. Weak, pathetic tears.
Though you hated that you were so hurt over this, you had promised yourself that if you got to your room, you could let it out. And a promise is a promise.
You finally made it to the hallway of the cast member's rooms. Your room was at the very end of the hallway, unfortunately, though it really didn't matter.
You ran as fast as you could to your room. The tears in your eyes threatened to spill. Just hold on a little longer, you're almost there.
It was luckily night, none of the cast members were awake, so you thought.
You reached for your door, now gripping the door handle, sobbing slightly from the tears threatening to spill and from running so fast for so long.
You messily turned your door handle to open your door. You couldn't think. You couldn't see. The heartbreak of what happened moments ago lingered in your mind.
You turned the door handle harder when it didn't open. Your vision was blurry; you could not hold anything in more than you did now for much longer.
But the damn door was not opening.
No matter how hard you turned the door handle, you could not open it.
It wasn't locked, you just couldn't turn it hard enough, hands shaking, vision blurry with tears. Your sobs grew louder, more painful, barely holding it in.
You started shaking more. You could not open your door. S#@% S!@# S÷$! S#@!.
You tried again, before one loud sob escaped your lips.
Then you broke.
You loosened your grip from the door handle and fell onto the ground.
Now you're on your knees, right hand still on the door handle, not gripping or even holding it. You just let it rest there as you broke down, too powerless to move it.
You sobbed, painful but controlled. You made sure not to sob too loudly as it could wake someone up; you didn't want to make this anyone's problem.
Your hands trembled, your breaths came out uneven. You sniffled, sobbed, whimpered—while keeping it all controlled.
But that was getting harder as the memory painfully replayed over and over again in your head like a movie. When he told you that he needed to talk to you, how you listened, how he didn't sugar coat anything—clearly telling you how much he hated this relationship and you.
You lost more and more control of yourself the more you replayed the memory.
"Let's talk about us,"
"You and I aren't meant to be."
"This isn't working."
"I hate this relationship."
"I don't love you anymore."
More tears welled up in your eyes the more you focused on it.
Just as you were about to replay it again without permission, a voice broke your trance, grumpy and tired,
"What the hell are you doing, I'm trying to sleep,"
Then a pause.
"...what is going on?"
You barely register the voice. All you know is that someone is here and they are seeing you this weak and pathetic right now.
You look up, trying to stop the tears.
Your vision is blurry, but you see a tall, purple and pink figure peeking out from their room, staring at you.
Your mind connects the dots.
It's Jax.
Out of the whole cast, Jax wakes up. The ONE PERSON in the whole circus who won't comfort you in any way. In fact, he may laugh, blackmail you, or tease you about this.
Your eyes widen, terrified that he saw you this weak.
You look away and stand up, still shaking.
You try and open your door again, just to get out of his vision. It doesn't budge.
You hear the voice speak again,
"Woah... what the hell happened to you? You look like an absolute mess."
You could hear his tone shift. It was still carefree, teasing, but there was this... hint of softness. Almost unnoticeable, but you—even in your state—caught it.
You put on a smile, clearly forced, and turned to look at him, still trying to open this damn door.
"I- uh... d-don't know what you're talking about."
You turn swiftly back, turning the door handle harder and faster, but it would not open.
"Okay, yeah, something definitely happened. You can't even open your door, short-stack." Jax said teasingly, but with the same hint of softness still there.
You are getting frustrated. Why the hell can't you get the door open?! You turn it even harder, hands shaking, tears threatening to spill again.
Then you hear footsteps nearing you. You knew who it was, and you stiffened immediately.
Then the figure stood right beside you. You felt his gaze on you as you just stared at the door handle.
"Listen, kid, I normally would like—laugh at the fact that you can't even open your door, but even I won't ignore how hard you are shaking." Jax said, almost... comforting.
Then, suddenly very grounding:
"So tell me, what happened?"
You freeze, not believing your ears. This was Jax we were talking about, dammit! You breathed heavily, uneven, eyes wide with disbelief. But something about that tone made you feel comforted, wanted, cared for,
The exact opposite of what your love had shown for you tonight.
The thought made your eyes burn. Your heart hurt, betrayal filled your chest. And suddenly, tears were slipping free again.
You shook your head, and with the most normal tone you could, you spoke,
"No... it's nothing. Don't pretend to care, please."
Jax's eyes softened, something so rare it made your heart twist; if you had a camera, you would've wanted to take a photo, so you could keep it forever. It was so comforting.
"Okay, listen, I normally don't care, and I still kinda don't, but...," he gestured his hands to your entire frame, "this, is where even I draw the line. Look, I'm a jerk—not a monster."
He placed his hand on your shoulder, bending down to your height.
"So, tell me, what happened?"
You looked at him, your eyes wet with tears. Your entire frame shook. The memory hurt; how could you say it without... breaking? Also, this was Jax. Was he even telling the truth or was this some sick game? If this was a game, he took it rather seriously. His eyes were full of concern; he couldn't fake that, could he?
Whatever. It's best to just say something. If not for him, for yourself.
You gathered your words as the memory replayed again. Your eyes began tearing up even more, a few tears slipping free.
"I... M-My boyfriend... t-ook me out fo- for a d-date or some-thing, b-but then h-he—" you ripped out a sob from your chest, tears spilling freely.
Jax's eyes were on yours, full of concern. He didn't say anything; he just listened.
You continued, but the words came out more muffled than before, "H-he... broke up with me, just like that. I... I d-don't know what I d-did wrong." You admitted.
"I- I really loved him... I just feel so... a-alone..."
Without hesitation, Jax put his whole frame around yours, gripping you in a sweet, comforting hug.
That did it.
You sobbed loudly as you leaned against his firm frame, your arms around his neck, gripping him hard.
He held you tightly back as he kept rubbing your back, muttering "shh" for you to calm down.
"Hey hey hey, shhh come on, calm down. Breathe for a second."
You didn't breathe; you cried harder, shaking as you gripped his overalls tightly in your hands.
"Shhh you're okay, you're okay."
You spoke, voice shaky and clearly crying,
"What did I d-do wrong, Jax? W-why did he leave me? Was I... t-too much? O-or am I... just... not good enough..."
Jax gripped you tighter, grounding you with his sweet, comforting voice,
"Hey—no. Stop thinking that all this was your fault. If you start thinking that now, you won't think about actual reasons later."
You continued crying, whimpering more.
He rubbed your back, supportive, grounding, and comforting.
"If I'm gonna be honest, I hate that guy. I noticed how he treated you—like you were just a second thought."
He paused, then lifted up your chin so you looked at him.
"That's not how your partner is supposed to see you in a relationship. You're supposed to be his world, his everything."
You sobbed once more, and with more tears rolling down your cheeks, you replied honestly and truthfully.
"W-why couldn't he see me that way? He was my everything— I- I can't..." you couldn't finish your words before sobbing. They were still raw and painful.
Jax rubbed your cheek, wiping away one of the many tears that were streaming down your face. He looked at you intensely but with soft eyes—full of genuine care.
"Hey, breathe. He didn't see you that way not because of anything you did, but because of his own selfish personality. You did nothing wrong."
You did nothing wrong... you repeated those words in your head. Sure you were annoying and clingy sometimes, but...
You did nothing wrong.
The two of you said nothing for a little while, just a comforting silence while you stared into each other's eyes, and Jax’s hand still on your cheek rubbing away incoming tears.
Then Jax spoke, his teasing tone returning,
"Well then shorty, let's get this door open."
Jax stood up from his kneeled-down position and let go of your cheek to open the door.
He opened it with ease, the door sliding open.
Jax spoke, looking back at you, "Alright, my job for tonight is over. Imma head to bed, cya—" He didn't get to finish.
You cut him off, panic in your voice as you turned to him in horror while he walked away. You craved touch, comfort, anything. But you needed him: "W-wait! Please... d-don't leave me... yet. Please stay... please..."
He looked back at you, surprised and confused. Then he sighed and made his way back to you.
"Alright, let's get inside your room. But this is the first and last time—"
"-thank you..." you cut him off immediately. Not caring about anything else other than the 'alright'.
You stood up and walked inside first, still shaking. Jax walked in after you and closed the door.
You got on your bed, then the weight of everything hit you hard again. You shook and trembled, suddenly ripping out a few sobs from your chest.
You gripped your pillow hard as you lay on your side while the tears slipped, having no motivation to stop them.
Suddenly, you felt a hand rub your back, grounding you, but also making you jump from the sudden contact.
"Hey, remember to keep breathing. And also remember that this wasn't just your fault while you spiral in that little head of yours."
You turned to look at him, exhausted but eyes wide and thankful. You smiled softly, still crying a bit. "...okay."
"Good." Jax said in a grounding voice. He then chuckled slightly, teasing you softly, "Just relax and sleep, a tiny brain with that many tabs open at once isn't ideal."
You chuckled slightly by the comment, still crying, and you suddenly felt the exhaustion of everything settle in.
While you tried to sleep, Jax kept rubbing your back, grounding you, as if reminding you that it wasn't your fault—without saying anything but a "shh" now and then.
And it was working. He did keep you grounded. He did make you think that there was a possibility that this wasn't just your fault. The comfort was definitely needed. You felt so understood even if he didn't really understand the pain.
Your tears started drying, the shaking became less. You started getting tired.
You fell asleep in no time, the world going black.
Jax didn't leave until you were asleep.
Heh... what a fake idgafer.