Archive of Our Own

That's what the title says. Today was my first ultrasound and there's really not much to say other than that six-week-old fetuses are extremely tiny and weird. I don't think it's ethical to say my baby is ugly before it's even formed into a baby itself, so I'll just say its appearance is mildly picturesque.

I'm still impressed. It's as small as a peanut. No, like an ant. I better stop making food analogies. Keeho made so many comparisons this morning that it made me hungry. And he didn't even have the decency to go buy something at the hospital cafeteria to satisfy me. This is going to be the father of my child. Wow.

What else can I say? Oh, at the appointment, the obstetrician seemed very surprised to find a man in her office. It was kind of funny to see her reaction, I have to confess. It wasn't anything new for me. I had to deal with the same look of astonishment every time I went to the gynecologist. Well, I'm not going to apologize for my anatomy or for worrying about my health. Let people deal with their worldview.

That's all for now. I think I need to go to my massage chair. My back is killing me. Courtesy of the ant on my belly.

I feel like I'm the baby sometimes. I can't do anything on my own. I always have someone accompanying me to carry my things, take me places, and do my chores for me. It would be great if it didn't come with a high dose of worry and surveillance over everything I do. It's starting to drive me crazy. I already expected my mother to be super protective and I had prepared myself for that, but the others? I can't handle a whole troupe of helicopter parents.

Keeho asked me yesterday if I wanted him to come to keep me company when I went out. I just said I was going to cross the street to take out the trash. Jiung is sending me these articles about transmasculine pregnancy, about how to deal with the physical and emotional effects of stopping T, etc., and although I really appreciate his efforts, I'm seriously considering blocking him on KakaoTalk because of the spam. Intak has become my personal driver, apparently. Nobody would want Intak as a personal driver. Shota is acting more clingy than usual, and I have to remind myself of my fondness for him every time I feel like kicking him for even looking in the direction of my belly. And Jongseob, who I mistakenly thought would be the only normal one, keeps following me with his eyes as if I'd disappear if I didn't.

Should I drop everything and move to Japan until it's time to give birth? It seems like a great idea right now.

My bump is getting too noticeable. I don't really know how to feel about it. I was feeling kind of indifferent at first, but now when I look in the mirror I feel a sense of displacement. In theory, I know that body in the reflection is mine, but I feel like I'm staring at someone completely different. It's almost like checking my reflection during a dream. There's a fog in my head as I try to discern my features. It's quite stressing.

But it could be worse. I've had stages in my life where my body made me more uncomfortable. I can overcome this.

I know I will.

I think I can stop referring to you indirectly. I was avoiding using the second person since there was still some risk, but given the time that has passed, we can consider that you're here to stay. Hello. I'm your dad. Well, the one who's carrying you. The other isn't so relevant right now.

I hope you don't mind me still calling you ant. I've kind of gotten used to it. Maybe I'll even consider registering you that way, who knows. Your grandmother would be a little shocked, but I think having an unusual name would make you particularly exceptional.

Would you hate me if I named you Ant, ant?

Last week I hugged your uncle Jongseob until I heard his bones crack. He's fine, so there's nothing to worry about. He complained at first but ended up hugging me back. He seemed to like it. I'm not a very physically affectionate person and I never initiate contact, but these days I've been feeling so needy. Yesterday I invited your other dad to spend the night with me, when I usually prefer to spend that time by myself. I let him hug me all night. He slept with his hand on my belly and I didn't even try to kill him for it.

What's happening to me? Is it you doing this?

I wanted you to be a girl until it dawned on me that's probably what my mother wanted too. Oops. I guess I'll leave that for when you're old enough to know about yourself. I'm not going to impose anything, nor demand anything from you. It's not fair at all.

Today we went to buy your clothes and things to decorate your room. Keeho (your other dad, if that wasn't clear) asked if I really wanted to do this before knowing your sex, but I decided I don't care. The more I thought about it, the more absurd and laughable I found this notion. Should we decide whether you're going to have a room full of decorations, frills and pink, or a blue one full of trains and cars that you won't be able to play with because you risk putting them in your mouth, based on your genitals? Just ridiculous.

No "neutral" things either. The neutral section was extremely monochromatic and boring. Since when is inclusion so gray and lifeless? Keeho almost had a stroke when we walked down the aisle. I had to restrain myself from laughing at his expression in front of the store attendant. That was definitely his fashion nightmare. Luckily for him, we're both men who appreciate a bit of color. Your room is going to be a big rainbow. I think it suits you well. I just hope you don't get dizzy from so much visual stimulation.

People in the store kept staring at me. I felt like a unicorn. Of course, I knew people would find it too weird and ask me too many questions. I've been preparing for this since I saw the positive. But it felt like a huge spotlight was following me around. People stopped everything they were doing, their lives, just to witness the miraculous and bizarre event that was a pregnant man. As an artist, I like being the center of attention, but that's when I'm playing a difficult guitar note and there's a beautiful, eye-catching light illuminating me as if I were a star. For a moment, on stage, I feel like a real celestial body. I can even feel the light emanating from myself.

In the store, though? That kind of attention was different. I didn't feel powerful. I felt like a rare specimen. At some point I was afraid someone would kidnap me to study me. Hah. Sorry. That wasn't funny. But I need to joke about this, otherwise I'll think too deeply about my belly, about my appearance, and I'll have an existential crisis. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate being pregnant. I just hate that this very normal and natural process doesn't seem normal and natural to me at all.

Anyway, I just tried to ignore the stares. It helped that your dad was there with me. He made me laugh. I made him laugh. We both laughed together at silly jokes and it was really nice. It's in moments like these that I really like your dad. He's someone who keeps me from feeling discouraged. When you meet him, you'll understand. You'll like him as much as I do.

I feel exhausted, so I will wrap here. See you later 👋🏻

I felt you. Don't try to deny it. It was a weak kick, but I felt it. Do you happen to like listening to me play? I didn't even know you could hear me yet. That made me very happy. Thank you for liking it. It took me a long time to learn the rhythm of Love of My Life. It's a shame I probably won't be able to play guitar throughout the whole pregnancy, because there will come a time when my belly will get too big for me to hold the guitar. I'll have to force your dad or one of your uncles to go back to guitar lessons. It won't sound as good as me, but it should meet your musical needs.

For now, I'll play more Queen. I want you to be born knowing the legends.

Later I'll do another special performance 🎶 🎶

Keeho almost cried when he saw you on the ultrasound. Then he started being annoying to hide it, but it was so obvious. A heart made of butter. Your uncle and I teased him so much that he blushed in front of the doctor. Haha.

You're already so well-formed. It's crazy. I don't even know if I'll be able to keep calling you an ant, when instead of holding you by the tip of my finger, now I could hold you in the palm of my hand. You're real. A little being with little fingers and everything. Speaking of which, I could see your feet. No offense, but they're very big. Who did you get that from? My feet and your dad's are a regular size. Keeho even asked Jongseob if he was actually the father. He didn't seem to like the joke. On the other hand, the doctor and I burst into laughter.

Hey, I enjoyed seeing you today. I'm starting to get anxious to actually see you and be able to hold you.

Are you as anxious as I am?

Last night I woke up with an inexplicable craving for sake. I've only drunk sake once in my life, on a trip I took with your uncle Shota to his hometown. I have absolutely no idea why this specific craving arose in me, but it was so intense that I had to leave the house and go to the liquor store on the corner of my street. I stood outside staring at the window for a while. I think the kind uncle who owns the place was a little startled to see me. To compensate, I ended up actually buying sake. Obviously, I didn't drink it. But I really wanted to. So, so much.

Does this mean you're likely to become a heavy drinker in the future? If so, we'll have to talk about it when you come of age.

Oh, let me tell you something funny. When your uncle Intak came to pick me up this morning, he turned white when he smelled alcohol. I told him I'd just changed cologne.

I really hope I don't continue having these alcoholic cravings, otherwise it'll be kind of bothersome for both of us.

Please don't be mad at me if you're born with a rather strange face. Bye 👋🏻

I couldn't look at my reflection this morning. Luckily, Keeho had slept over here, so he stayed to help me see if I looked okay. He said I looked great in the oversized black shirt with the Oasis print that he had bought for me. He also styled my hair, combing it the way I like it, behind my ears and showing my face. He was so sweet that I almost forgot about my dysphoria. Almost.

If my problem were only with the style part, it would be great. I don't even know why it's such a big deal. It's not like much has changed about me. There's nothing I've "lost" with the pregnancy. But I'm seeing that my belly is going to get even bigger than it already is. The attention on me is going to be 10 times worse. That doesn't make me want to go out much, honestly. I almost asked your dad if we could just cuddle in my bed. He would have been fine with it, I know. But I can't just lock myself in the house until you're born. I've never let other people's opinions of me stop me from living, and I'm not going to start now.

My discomfort isn't about you, I promise. It's just that society sucks sometimes, and I'm not as unaffected by it as I'd like to be. I hope you know how to deal with it better than I do, although it's okay if you don't.

I'll be there to smooth out the wrinkles in your clothes and fix your hair for you.

I beg you. Stop kicking me all the time. I'm sorry for stopping playing guitar, but besides my belly bothering me, I'm not in the mind to get the notes right.

Can you understand your poor dad? I promise I'll make it up to you.

Please 🏳️

Oh, you like your dad's voice? If you had told me before that singing was enough to calm you down, it would have saved me hours struggling with the guitar, but it's okay. Your dad can sing to you whenever you want. We can even do a duet especially for you.

Just don't kick me again 🙏🏻

I went to visit Jongseob and ended up falling asleep at his apartment. He let me sleep for hours, and when I woke up it was too late to ask Intak to take me home. I had to stay. I'm so tired lately that if I see a bench in the middle of the park, I won't even think twice before lying down. I guess in a way it's good. I have to enjoy my sleep because I feel like when you're born I'll never have the opportunity to fall asleep so easily again. Unless you're a calm baby? That would be asking too much of you, but that would make me very happy, truly.

While I was lying in his bed, I let your uncle press his ear against my belly. Because, well, Jongseob is Jongseob. I was also too sleepy to care. He said some nonsense that I didn't understand and then looked at me with a huge smile, saying that he had heard you. He seemed so happy. It's good to have people who are excited about me expecting you. Because, I don't think I've said this before, I'm truly happy to be carrying you. Regardless of everything, I really want to be your dad.

I hope you know that when you read this diary. Despite the so-so, bad, and terrible parts, it's these good parts that I like to highlight the most.

Have no doubt that you are welcome in my life.

I laughed so much that I didn't regret leaving the house for the first time. We went to the childbirth classes that your other grandmother had paid for us. My mother didn't like the idea very much, because she preferred to teach us how to take care of you herself, but being indebted to Keeho's mom didn't seem very good. I decided to take all your uncles with us, why not? After all, they will also have to take care of you when your dad and I are not available. I was the only pregnant father, as I expected, but going ended up being worth it. The reaction of the mothers and the instructor when they saw our group was priceless.

Today was the diaper changing and breastfeeding classes. I didn't need to be there for the second part. After the surgery, there's really nothing left. I'm afraid to say that you'll have to survive on donated milk and formula, little ant.

If you're interested in knowing the ranking of who changes diapers the fastest:

1. Jiung (I didn't even have time to blink, how is he so agile???)
2. Intak (I think he only got this position because he was competing with Jiung)
3. The one who's carrying you (mastering guitar gave me great coordination 👌🏻)
4. Shota (was fast but also almost sent the practice baby flying, which was kind of holy moly…)
5. Keeho (didn't expect him to be agile)
6. Jongseob (somehow managed to be worse than Keeho)

The prize was a chocolate. Jiung gave it to me. I ate it all in one minute.

It was a really great day.

I feel you pressing against my bladder. It's not pleasant. Keeho came here for us to hang out together (nothing you need to know the details of) but it was frustrating given that I had to go to the bathroom every five minutes. There was a point where I considered giving up on getting up, but I think that would have ruined the mood (although it wasn't very good anyway with the frequent pauses). In the end, we both lost interest and decided to watch a movie. There were pauses in that too.

By the way, writing another entry from the bathroom. Your dad is here with me, taking the opportunity to get his nails done. He asked me what I was writing. I gave him my phone to read and he looked at me with his mouth open and said you didn't need to know everything. Well, I disagree. I think it strengthens our bond (and I don't like using the bathroom without something to distract me).

Wait, I have to go now. Your dad said my cuticles were huge or something like that.

I've been having a lot of contractions lately. When I first had them, I was startled, but then I remembered that the childbirth instructor had mentioned something about Braxton Hicks contractions. The good thing was that the shock made me realize I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet. Now we're prepared 👍🏻

The contractions don't hurt, but they're quite uncomfortable and inconvenient. An hour ago I was helping Keeho and your uncles to build your crib and decorate what was left of your room, but I had to lie down on the sofa to wait for them to pass. So far, nothing. It's not like I want to do much at this stage of pregnancy, but we've been setting things up since this morning and haven't made such a progress. At this rate, when you're born we'll have to steal one of the hospital cribs.

Let's keep our fingers crossed, okay?

My belly is as big as a giant watermelon. I've never been so happy that I've always preferred wearing loose, comfortable clothes and not having to spend money on pregnancy clothes. My mirror is tucked away somewhere in my closet, and I'm only leaving the house to go to exhibitions. Yes, exhibitions. Your other dad introduced me to them at the beginning of our thing. I usually prefer music exhibitions, but looking at the artwork is incredibly therapeutic. I can also pretend that people are busy appreciating them instead of staring at me.

I'm counting down the days until you're here. I know it might sound selfish, but it's not just because of that. I've been feeling you move and I've been wondering what it will be like to feel your weight in my hands. It's not the same with the practice baby.

Don't take too long, please.

Keeho and I had already talked about how I wanted to give birth before, but today when we went to inform the doctor about what we had agreed upon, a fight broke out between our families about who was right about the best and healthiest method for me. I wanted to laugh, but I didn't. It would have made the situation worse. Instead, your dad took me to the hospital cafeteria to eat something (a progress). I felt he also wanted to breathe a little. After I finished, he put his hand on mine and asked if I wanted to run away. I obviously said yes.

He took me to a private pool. When we arrived, I stared at him in disbelief. He just told me to trust him. I didn't have a choice, did I? He was driving.

Keeho took my hand and guided me into the pool. There were no pregnancy swimsuits, so I had to go without anything. Although there were swimsuits for him, your father also got naked. Too much detail? Well, we just swam. Or rather, he swam and gently pushed me around the pool. It was nice. It had been so long since I'd been in one. I think it was the first time since I got pregnant that I hadn't thought about my body. In the water, I felt lighter than ever. Myself than ever.

At one point, I laid my head on your dad's chest and looked at him until he weirded out. When he asked me why I was staring at him so much, I told him I'd realized I'd never told him I loved him before. He waited. And waited. And waited. When he noticed I wasn't going to say anything else, he questioned me. I then said I'd wait until you were born to be sure. Maybe it was just the purple haze of pregnancy making him more tolerable.

He splashed water in my face.

You're due this month. Your dad practically moved into my house because of the anticipation. He's constantly hovering over me, just waiting for any sign that I'm going into labor. Your uncles and grandmother probably are going to follow his example. Ugh. My house isn't big enough for so many people.

Aside from the lack of privacy and not getting to move as much as I want, I'm feeling pretty good. It's getting so close I can't believe it.

We could meet at any moment now. Isn't that fantastic?

Need to be quickk. I started having contractions and I don't think it's Braxton Hicks this time. I'll be able to see you soon. Finally. Your uncle Intak is in such a hurry that he might drive to the hospital without. Keeho is hyperventilating. I think Shota will have to come into the delivery room with us to be the support of the support.

Now it's really see you later 👋🏻✊🏻👋🏻👋🏻

You're beautiful. Of course, every parent would say that about their own baby, but I'm different, since my opinion is completely unbiased. Your eyes are just like your dad's, and your grandmother said your mouth is undeniably mine. I can't stop looking at you. Nobody can. I think you've surpassed me in terms of brightness.

But even if you were born with a knee-like face (or sake-like), I would love you as much as I love you now. When I held you for the first time, you clung to me and didn't want to let go. You insisted on me back. How could I not love you?

Your other dad loves you very much too. I've never seen Yoon Stephen Keeho so happy to the point of getting stunned. You can brag forever about being the first person to shut him up.

I say for both of us, and for everyone, that we are grateful for you coming into the world.

No need to say goodbye after saying hello.