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The blue hue from the huge angelfish tank makes Namjoon’s face look sharper, but the glimmer in his doe eyes observing the colorful creatures reveals his true nature: a person who’s as soft and sweet as the pink, glittered cotton candy he bought for Hoseok when they came to the aquarium. They went to see the penguins first, then the sea lions and rays, the latter being Namjoon’s favorite so far.
Hoseok can’t believe this is real. Namjoon remembered what Hoseok told—briefly mentioned, actually—on their first date. This is their third.
If someone told Hoseok he'd meet someone at a bookstore and that they'd have him thinking of sharing his life with them, living life as two, within about one hour of talk, Hoseok would say it’s crazy, like he always does. Only insecure, desperate people, incapable of finding happiness in solitude, act like that, he strongly believed. What a fool he made of himself.
At a certain age, this trait Hoseok has—taking much longer than his friends to get into relationships, putting tons of obstacles to consider even dating—started to get worse. The longer he took to dedicate part of his life to having romantic intercourses, the less he felt the need to have one. At some point, he, a guy that used to hate labels when younger, defined himself as a celibate person. What’s the need for all that drama?
He could travel alone; eating by himself at restaurants has never been a problem, and some movies are better to appreciate when you have no one to interrupt. Everything was perfectly fine the way it was.
Of course, he had his moments, he’s only human, after all. Sometimes his bed was a little cold on the left side, and he could use a hug or a little bit of love sometimes, but it all vanished within a few days. Nothing that some load of paperwork from school or an evening catching up with the boys couldn’t fix.
But then Namjoon appeared in his way, like a fallen leaf twirling its way to the ground during the fall, and the rising morning sun tinging the river’s ripples into bright gold, beautifying its course through the city. Namjoon came naturally, ready to rearrange the cosmos and change Hoseok’s life forever. And it’s been three dates only (or two weeks, for those who care about the idea of human-being time).
He isn’t sure if he can say he knows much about Namjoon. They’ve had great talks so far, but mostly about everything and nothing at the same time. Hoseok knows Namjoon is a writer with two published books, both romances, and Namjoon marveled at the fact that Hoseok’s a kindergarten teacher. Namjoon has a sister, just like Hoseok, and they’re both born and raised out of town but moved to Seoul to try for better job opportunities. Namjoon shares an apartment with Park Jimin, his roommate, while Hoseok lives alone.
They know the basics about each other, yet Hoseok can't seem to have had other thoughts than Namjoon over the past days, eager to receive his random texts during the day, stomach fluttering every time Namjoon sends him a voice message with his deep, calm voice. It’s been a long time since he felt this way—so giddy, overly excited—about someone.
As he observes Namjoon watching the fish swimming around inside the tank, Hoseok deems the reason why he feels this way. Maybe it’s Namjoon’s passion when he talks about life, as though he had lived many lives, when he’s only 29. Or maybe it’s his perception of love, approaching it with complexity and deep reflections, things Hoseok has been noticing by reading his last published book, The Last Train.
Hoseok never really thought about love. He did overthink a lot about how insane the idea of it sounded to his frozen heart; losing control over his thoughts and feelings, changing his entire life to fit into someone else’s world. It always seemed like too much, too scary.
But Namjoon talks about love in a scholastic, almost scientific way. Love, for Namjoon, is something we are all born with, not like a gift, but more like a dense, manipulable energy. Something we can cultivate, prune, and transform, concepts that are new to Hoseok, but not difficult at all to accept.
All these details about Namjoon become even more fascinating when Hoseok, still mesmerized by his mere presence, takes in for the tenth time how pretty he is. Despite being a big boy, his features are gentle. The delicate curve between his chin and neck makes Hoseok feel a little dizzy. He wonders if his full, burnt-pink lips are as tender as they look. They haven’t kissed yet. What will Namjoon’s taste be like? Does he touch slowly and intensely like in Hoseok’s mind? Is he going to kiss him today? Hoseok hopes he does.
Just the thought of it makes Hoseok’s mouth water, lips parted, seeking air. If Namjoon knows the effect he has on Hoseok, he doesn’t say.
“Want to go right or left?” Namjoon breaks the trance.
Hoseok, who got caught staring, feels his belly churning, cheeks burning.
“Uh… right,” Hoseok points his finger to the tunnel on the right, blushing under Namjoon’s flirty gaze.
Fortunately, the stunning view inside the glass tunnel distracts Hoseok from his own disconcerted mind. As they stroll, they make silly comments, passing by seahorses of multiple tones of pink, orange, and red. Hoseok spots an octopus camouflaged on the sand between the corals, but the yellowtail fusiliers are the ones that make him stop.
“Oh, yellowtails!” he lets out. “My kids would love to see that.”
Hoseok smiles at the thought of them seeing the real version of the stamps they made in class the other day.
“Your kids, huh,” Namjoon snickers.
The curve on Hoseok’s lips grows bigger. “Yeah, they’re my kids. They drive me crazy sometimes, I’m not gonna lie to you. But we understand each other so well. Their little minds are just amazing.”
“Yeah, I get you,” Namjoon says, a hint of shared nostalgia in his voice. “I felt the love for what you do when you told me how much you wanted to bring them to the aquarium. I thought it would be good for you to visit on your own first, so you could plan the day, prepare the activities and stuff.”
Hoseok’s heart is enveloped by the warmth radiating from Namjoon. “I loved it. Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. I never thought fish could be so interesting.”
“They really are. And there’s so many of them! It’s like the best interest to have, because it’s practically infinite, if you think of the fact that we know very little of the ocean.”
“That kinda frightens me,” Namjoon chuckles, suddenly looking younger now.
“It makes sense,” Hoseok joins his humor, though he doesn’t feel the same. Quite the opposite, actually. “I don’t feel that way. I think it’s wonderful. Imagine the fantastic beings living out there.”
Hoseok doesn’t notice when his body leans closer to the glass walls, his hand touching the cold surface, each color inside the tank leading him to a different, new imagination.
“There’s this old book I was reading to my students,” he starts, lost in memory. “It’s about a fish called Bee. Bee never understood why her mother named her that. There’s no bees in the sea. She wanted to fit in with the other shoals, to have a normal name like a normal fish, just like her friends—Coral, Ripple, and Plankton. One day, she asked her mom why she gave her such a name, and her mom said: ‘When I was little, my great-grandmother used to tell me stories of what she saw when she traveled the Pacific. She saw many incredible things, like the ancient turtles at Sydney, the huge fin whales migrating in Morocco, but the most impressive was the bees at the coast of some beach around Georgia. Talking to them, she discovered that bees are essential for terrestrial life; they work hard and travel a lot, going from flower to flower just to spread life around the world, and they are also capable of making honey—the sweetest treasure ever found. They even gave her a little comb to taste. When I gave birth to my hundreds of eggs, I saw yours and I remembered her stories. I decided that I wanted you to be just like bees: strong, hardworking, sweet, and to explore the world, ‘cause you’re just as important and essential to this world too.’”
“Wow,” Namjoon exclaims after a while, Hoseok’s words resonating in him, making the atmosphere palpable—their world inside a bubble.
“Profound, right?” Hoseok jokes. “We, humans and fish, can be just like bees.”
He slowly begins to return to the surface of himself, and only when he reaches the top does he notice the piercing sensation of eyes fixed on him. When he turns his face to find Namjoon, the blue lights seem to have darkened. He feels exposed somehow, not really in control of his body. He hisses when Namjoon closes the distance between them, his hand reaching for Hoseok’s face with a disarming tenderness.
“I like the way you think,” Namjoon almost whispers. Hoseok can feel the way all of his limbs are shaking, his heart beating desperately with anticipation.
“And I like you,” he says, locking his eyes with Namjoon’s sharp ones.
He never thought he would be saying that so fast to someone. He should’ve thought this through, considering the tons of obstacles he usually considers, but it doesn’t feel wrong. It’s honest and pure. Before he can overthink, Namjoon joins their lips together, and it’s just like Hoseok imagined.
Namjoon’s lips envelop his, taking his time to savor the taste. He starts slowly, the tip of his tongue brushing against Hoseok’s, sending waves of electricity through his body. His hand, which had been gently cupping Hoseok’s face before, slides to his chin, then to the back of his neck, anticipating the change in intensity of the kiss. Hoseok feels dizzy, practically boneless under Namjoon’s touch.
Footsteps on the metal floor coming from far away remind them that they are in public, and they break the kiss—but not in time to avoid being noticed by the visitors passing by. Hoseok hides his face in Namjoon’s shoulder, burning with embarrassment, but with a persistent smile on his lips. Namjoon strokes his hair. Hoseok can feel that he is smiling too.
Namjoon intertwines their fingers, then whispers in Hoseok’s ear, only for him to hear, “I think we should get out of here.” He nibbles on it, another wave of electricity running through all of Hoseok’s cells.
Hoseok tightens his grip around Namjoon’s hands, seeking groundedness. “Yes, please,” he grins, holding his breath, ready to dive into this magnificent, blue, infinite ocean that Namjoon is.