Work Text:
Under the glow of the streetlight,
Sunoo stood, facing the front door of his “home.”
From within, he could already hear the chaos that would ensue if he decided to open that door, stepping into a never-ending black hole of screaming, yelling, blame, and accusatory remarks that his parents would, with no hesitation, air out into the already suffocating atmosphere they had of a home.
The air was always thick— every breath taken in that house one paralleled that of attempting to breathe in literal smoke. It was if the house was always on fire, and if not, on the brink of explosion.
Time ticked in the Kim family house, as if a bomb were to go off at any second given that you were under its roof. There was never a telling of when Sunoo’s parents would find grievances in each other, directing even the smallest, most trivial matters, into an argument that would blow out of degrees of our proportion.
In Sunoo’s eyes, his parents' arguments were always preventable. Despite this, they never halted. At some point, their arguments became humorous to him, their manipulation and gaslighting towards each other a laughing matter to Sunoo. Despite the fact the arguments had never begun as a direct result of himself, his parents always ended up directing the blame towards him.
Funny, isn’t it?
It was a result of years of pent up stress, and at first it was sporadic.
As a child, his parents would argue periodically over their financial matters, about their future, about their family; but here in the present, their arguments quickly became a daily matter.
In recent years, yes, the arguments did still center around the same three areas of discussion, but somehow, the blame for the argument became Sunoo himself.
He was never hit as a child, yet as he grew, it seemed that the expectations put on him became excessive; the pressure choked him, its sole grasp on Sunoo abusing him beyond repair.
It was an overbearing weight to carry on his frail shoulders; his parents’ view on academic success intensified after managing to send Sunoo to a private college preparatory school, their financial sacrifice met with exponentially increasing expectations and proof of achievements from their son.
It was endless, this talk of “financial sacrifice” that his parents had succumbed to for the sake of him. As Sunoo entered his third year of high school, the pressure he felt was reaching a breaking point. Classes were stacked upon classes, nights at cram school began bordering midnight, nights of studying greeting the slivers of light that came with dawn.
Semester after semester, exam after exam, ranking after ranking. Sunoo was at the top, unreachable and distant from the others.
And yet, this wasn’t enough to prove himself.
There was always someone better in his parents’ eyes, someone better in every comparable and measurable aspect. Fulfilling the wrath of academics wasn’t permanent, a quote that his parents had warned him time and time again.
In spite of Sunoo’s health, which had never been stable to begin with, his parents stacked more onto his schedule on top of his already unyielding commitment to his academics. Piano lessons, recitals, swimming, martial arts— at some point it seemed that his days were endless, a never ending vortex of things that would keep coming, coming, and coming.
Ever since his first year of high school, the pressure he felt was as if two anchors were shackled to both his ankles, ever so slowly drowning him as he sank further and further into the depths of the ocean. As he entered his third year, he felt as if he was nearing the ocean floor, far beneath the twilight zone.
He was void of light, void of breath, void of life.
—
An imaginary grandfather clock loomed above Sunoo’s head as he counted down the ten seconds he habitually allotted himself to prepare until he opened the front door.
As he walked inside, an ever so familiar feeling of dread crept up upon him.
The Kim family house had once felt warm, the distant memories of his childhood burned into the wallpaper and scent of the house.
In the past this house was truly home to him— a happy family residing under one roof, with love and laughter permanent, every day emanating warmth.
Back then, they had given off the impression of a seemingly perfect family; but as the years passed, the smiling porcelain mask that mimicked the household began to crack.
Yet now, even though the house looked the exact same– the same cream-colored wallpaper adorned the walls, the same sweet scents of his mother’s lilac perfume, and musk of his father’s cologne permeating his sense of smell, Sunoo felt suffocated.
He tried to avoid the gazes of his parents from the kitchen, but it’s not like they had noticed him anyway— both were completely immersed in their own nonsensical spews, mutters harmonizing in echoes.
shuffled away quietly, hoping that they didn’t notice him coming home. As he quietly proceeded up the stairs, the television— which had been white noise until now, was now deafeningly reporting on some “apocalypse” conspiracies.
But in the turmoil of Sunoo’s mind, he hadn’t processed anything that was playing on the illuminating screen, its nonsense going in one ear and out the other.
Only one thought occupied his mind:
It’s best to try and evade this mess.
✦
Breathing heavily, Sunoo made it to his room unnoticed. Opening the door, he collapsed onto his bed, recumbent, drawing in the warmth of his blankets.
It was always suffocating, coming home and seeing his parents on the near brink of explosion, but at least his room felt a little safer, a little escapade where he was alone and could finally exhale the breath he had been holding in. He laid in bed on his side for a bit, suddenly turning, his blonde hair messily making its way over his pale face as he looked over.
At the corner of his bed was a jacket he had tossed— a white fleece jacket that Heeseung had lent to him earlier today after school as the air got cooler. Knowing of Sunoo’s weak immune system and worrying for the younger, Heeseung was adamant to give him his jacket. Sunoo reached for the fleeced bundle, embracing it and breathing in the elder’s scent as he closed his eyes. He heaved a heavy sigh, one that had contained all the stress he had within him as he laid on the bed, eyes still closed with only Heeseung’s linen scent clouding his senses.
During times like this, tired and fatigued, Sunoo only thought of one person.
Every time his parents argued, Sunoo would seek for Heeseung.
Every time when things at home had escalated further than it should have, Sunoo would seek for Heeseung.
Every time he had felt like the pressure had begun to reign over him, Sunoo would again seek for Heeseung.
Sunoo was always seeking, thinking of Heeseung
And it seemed like every time,
Heeseung would also be there for him.
✦
It hasn’t been long since these feelings towards Heeseung consumed Sunoo.
His infatuation began simply— Sunoo gazing at Heeseung for a second too long, ears flushing a bright red as the elder caught his eyes.
When Sunoo had enough of boring his eyes into the textbook he was reading at the library, he would look over to Heeseung,
The elder fiddled with his pencil as he brought it up to his face, tapping the eraser end against his cupid’s bow. His face would be focused on his paper, the slope of his nose framing a perfect silhouette as the sun peeked through the windows, sunlight kissing his skin.
Sunoo took in the maroon sheen of his hair, luminous and subtly red.
Tanned honey crept upon Sunoo’s pale skin when the elder held his hand to comfort him, with even the slightest touch igniting fire within the younger. The sensation he felt now with Heeseung was unfamiliar in a way– a way where before, locking eyes with the elder was easy, yet now Sunoo felt a warm and prickly feeling spread across the span of his nape, rising up to his cheeks. It was unfamiliar, but he felt irrevocably safe and solaced in the warmth that Heeseung gave him.
The little slivers of time they got enjoy together without the pressures of the world were precious to Sunoo,
In fact, every moment he got to spend with the elder was precious to him.
Alongside Heeseung’s large doe eyes, Sunoo found himself time and time again appreciating the curve of his lips when Heeseung talked, the dip of his prominent cupid’s bow, the way his eyes would dilate whenever he focused on Sunoo, lips pouting when he found any sign of frustration in the blonde’s eyes.
Heeseung made Sunoo feel like he was the only person in the world, an escape from the reality that he lived in.
In this escape, the universe consisted of himself and Heeseung only. Sunoo liked this comfort. His comfort.
He liked this comfort so much, the fear of losing it scared him.
The fact is that Sunoo likes Heeseung.
But years of friendship, years of trust… Sunoo wasn’t ready to let that go, to risk them.
He feared being truthful about his feelings, afraid not of Heeseung, but of the consequences.
Would Heeseung like him?
What if he doesn’t reciprocate?
Will they still be friends?
Am I willing to let this go? To go this far?
To risk it all for the sake of myself?
Am I selfish…?
Let alone does Heeseung even like guys?
Questions and questions plagued Sunoo’s mind. Sunoo knows that Heeseung is inherently good, and that even if Sunoo confessed, and Heeseung didn’t feel the same way, the elder would never outright reject him.
The Heeseung he knew would probably sit there as Sunoo spills his heart out,
Sunoo’s blonde hair covered his face as he casted his eyes down, down towards the space that would sit between them.
The quiet aftermath of his own confession would be met with a deafening silence as hot tears threatened to spill from the corners of his eyes.
Heeseung would sit, watch, and his doe eyes would widen as he took everything Sunoo said in, reaching forward to draw the younger into his arms.
In Sunoo’s imagination, there would be no closure to his confession, just the warm embrace of being in Heeseung’s arms as a million thoughts rushed through his head.
Heeseung would attempt to brush over things not out of consideration for Sunoo’s feelings. But out of the fact that he can’t reciprocate.
Heeseung would probably do everything he could to comfort Sunoo.
Sunoo would accept, and they would just act as if nothing had happened.
Their relationship would continue as if truly, nothing had ever threatened them to fall apart.
But Sunoo would be living in turmoil.
He would feel guilty for being selfish enough to risk what they had together, to have taken for himself, not considering how Heeseung would be affected— his guilt would pry him apart.
Between smiles and laughter, between the friendship they would keep on sharing despite his confession,
There now is a distant divide between them, a line that couldn’t be crossed.
Sunoo knew that he would be hurt, knew that he would get no closure.
So he decided to stay quiet.
✦
Under the low light that illuminated Sunoo's room, he dozed off into a deep sleep. The lowly rumbles of the house nursed him into a calming trance— the television’s echoes from downstairs honing an ambient lullaby.
As Sunoo drifted into unconsciousness, a hazed feeling dawned upon him.
A fog clouded his head as he opened his eyes. The once-lit room was now dark, the only source of light being the silvery-blue hue of moonlight illuminating through the window.
Gaining consciousness, Sunoo checked his phone—
It was midnight.
On the glowing screen read a notification, a message complimented with a bright yellow hazard symbol.
In all caps, the little box read:
“IMMINENT GLOBAL CATASTROPHE. APOCALYPSE AT HAND; STAY STATIONARY.”
Below, a digital timer popped up.
“TIME REMAINING: 24 hours”
As Sunoo read this, a feeling of urgency and panic arose in the pit of his stomach.
“Am I dreaming?” His unconscious state asked himself.
Without even the time to comprehend the words for himself, he got up hurriedly. Dreaming or not, Sunoo needed to find someone.
His mind thought of one person only, a singular bambi-eyed boy.
I need to find Heeseung.
✦
Thank god Heeseung only lives a few doors away, Sunoo thought as he bolted out the front door.
The air outside was eerily quiet, the usually busy street so mute that the drop of a pin could probably be heard.
A million thoughts rushed through his head as Sunoo processed what he was doing.
The world is ending? The house was so empty… Where are mom and dad? Why is it so quiet outside? Does Heeseung-hyung know? Know about the apocalypse?
Is he okay?
Where is he?
Part of himself was filled with worries, the other part was alarmed with a sense of urgency— the urgency to confess.
Sunoo, for so long, had been conflicted on how to approach his feelings towards Heeseung.
Feelings suppressed profusely to the depths of his inner thoughts, the truth drawn back by doubt, by fear, by the risk.
But now that the world’s ending,
Why not just take that risk?
What if they could be something, even if it was for the little time they had left?
Confess.
The damned word echoed in the walls of his body.
This is the end anyway.
✦
The walk to Heeseung’s house was met with an unusual calm, the air cool and sky void of stars.
It was a clear night, as was Sunoo’s head.
As Sunoo approached the familiar red-framed door of Heeseung’s house, he took in a deep breath.
He knocked, there was silence, and he fidgeted with his fingers as he cast his eyes down to the doormat.
He didn’t look up until a warmth of radiation was felt upon his body, the front door open as an amicable figure that resembled a tall, doe-eyed boy stood before him.
“Hyung,” Sunoo broke the silence.
“You’ve heard right? About the world—”
His words were consumed by Heeseung’s warm and sudden embrace,
“Yeah.”
Heeseung stroked Sunoo’s back,
“Don’t worry,” Heeseung said as his hands now made their way up to the crown of the blonde’s head,
Caressing it with a gentleness only Heeseung had.
“It’s going to be okay.”
Sunoo took in the embrace of the elder, breathing in his scent as he burrowed into the low dip of his clavicle.
As Sunoo held on to Heeseung, the seemingly chaotic world around them came to a silence.
“Hyung,”
Heeseung hugged him tighter.
“Can we just stay together, until the end?”
✦
Sunoo and Heeseung walked the low-lit street of their neighborhood, the rough pavement tinted indigo by the color of the dusky sky.
They walked, close to one another as the silver moonlight and empty sky rested above their heads. There was no sun and no sky, the chasm above their heads blanketed a perfect velvet blue. The neighborhood houses around them were silent, an ambient rumble in the distance harmonizing with the quiet that surrounded them.
It was a desolate feel, with just the two of them under the moonlit sky, the slope of the pavement rising.
Side-to-side, they swayed as their feet synchronised, puerile in the way they bumped into each other when one would trip over a stone, laughs arising until their ribs grew tough. They walk and walk up the hills of the road, young and naive as they let their inner childhood selves loose. The moment was raw, warm in a way that reminded them of when they were younger.
They had walked down this road before, back in grade school, when they were silly and unknowing kids, pondering what they would want to do in the future– of what was to come. The future was so distal– light years away it seemed. Yet here they are on this street once again, their time cut short by the vows of the universe. The world is ending tomorrow.
It’s melancholic, thinking of ‘what could have been…” Sunoo muses.
He glances at Heeseung, whose eyes draw a focus on the soles of his own shoes. The elder’s hair swayed in the cool night wind, the maroon strands wisped away just enough to reveal the inconspicuous mole on his forehead.
Straining his neck as he observed the elder, Sunoo withdrew his eyes, hands coming to the nape of his neck as a heat crept up his neck.
Kicking a lone pebble on the pavement, the blonde spoke, “Hyung, if we had another hundred years to live, what would you have wanted to do?”
Heeseung paused to look up, meeting Sunoo’s glassy eyes, his gaze then leaving to settle on the sky.
It was these small conversations in the past that made Sunoo decide he wanted to stay by Heeseung’s side forever. The feeling that arose as he spoke with the elder was all-consuming… it had felt as if only they existed in the dimly-lit ambience of Sunoo’s bedroom, late night talks into the night and into the morning.
Sunoo knows well of what Heeseung wished to do– he had expressed his desires to explore music production and honing his artistry through college. This knowledge proved futile however, since Sunoo would have asked regardless to hear his hyung’s voice, the lilt of his voice melodic to Sunoo’s ears.
The elder’s mellow voice broke through the maelstrom stirring up in Sunoo’s head.
“Ha… that question seems fitting at the moment, I suppose,” a chuckle escapes through Heeseung’s breath.
Sunoo’s eyes respond, crescents forming,
“You already know though! I feel like I’m always rambling on about music to you,” Heeseung spurts out, laughing. “I want to make music,” hands making their way to Sunoo’s head, ruffling the blonde’s hair, “but I’m not sure if anyone would ever be able to hear my work, given the state we’re in…”
“Besides you,” Heeseung looks towards Sunoo, a smile threatening to peak through, “you always listen to work.”
They smile at each other. The darkness of the night casts a shadow upon everything– the rosy hue and familiar heat now radiating off Sunoo’s cheeks undetectable under the somber streetlights. A quietness settles between them, their gazes longing.
“Sunoo-yah,” Heeseung calls out, voice echoing down the chasmic street.
“Have you ever been in love?”
The question was daunting. Sunoo’s answer was definite, yet speaking of it felt like a sin. The feeling made its home in Sunoo’s chest, doubt was imminent upon himself, the consequences of his confession something he never wanted to face. Yet, in this moment he felt a little lighter, the looming devastation of the world lifting a weight off his back. A longing for closure, some feeling before everything ends.
I came here to confess.
“Yes hyung,” a subtle breathe from the blonde,
“Yes I have.”
Sunoo looks back, feeling content. His eyes, forming crescents again, a warm smile blooming.
They keep walking, kicking pebbles, Converse shoes gritting against asphalt, shoulders touching when they came too close, worries muted by endless talk and laughter.
The world was coming to an end, but it didn’t matter to the two. They spoke as if they had a million years to live, a million more lives to live, their current reality unexisting as they lived in their very own when they had each other. They spoke of love, of hope, of their childhood, trekking down the long-winded road they had walked together until now. It was a relapse down memory lane– a last look at what they had, what they meant to each other.
Together, it was as though nothing besides them existed. The state of the world didn’t matter, their lives outside of each other a distant memory. Just Sunoo and Heeseung, two young souls who had found their solace in each other.
✦
They make it to their haven, at the end of the road.
As if the stars had aligned, the usually sylvan hill was barren. In this dream-like trance, Sunoo felt light. It was though the stars above his head had made their way down to earth, hazy silhouettes illuminating, faint and glowing. The gentle grasses of the hill were bathed in the moonlight, silver and tranquil, swaying silently in this expanse.
The hill was commonplace for Heeseung and Sunoo, a place where they had escaped to together frequently.
This was where they had picnic rendezvous, watched the sunsets on fleeting summer nights, laid down to spot constellations in the dead of night. This was where they had told each other their deepest secrets, where they had gone when there was simply no one else. Here, they held each other, on days where life was simply too much, too overbearing to handle alone. Heeseung consoling Sunoo who had seeked for him, stroking the boy’s head with gentle whispers until everything was okay.
To Sunoo, it was an escape from the suffocation of his life. Just him and Heeseung, away from everyone else.
To Heeseung, it was where he got to witness Sunoo’s beauty in its fullest, his pure soul and gentleness seeping into his very own heart. Amongst the stars, he would find a resemblance of Sunoo. Looking back at the boy, he would look into the blonde’s eyes, finding the same stars within a universe that would pull Heeseung in beyond the point of no return.
It was peaceful,
It felt like a dream.
✦
They sit, watching the clear sky, the velvet blue casting hues on both their faces.
Heeseung always felt that Sunoo looked ethereal while watching the stars, in a way, it seemed that the stars shone just for him, the illumination of the ghostly moon making him appear as if he was an angel.
He glances at Sunoo who was looking up at the stars. Heeseung’s eyes lingered taking everything in, from the blonde strands lost in the wind, to wisp of his eyelashes, to the bottom of his soft lips, afraid that he would disappear at any moment if he tore his eyes away.
Just a little longer, for I fear this may be the last time.
—
Sunoo had always thought that Heeseung resembled that of an innocent fawn under the glow of the moonlight, his eyes' luminous pools reflecting what seemed to be a nebula of the stars in the sky.
His eyes shone with an innocence Sunoo had never seen in anyone else. Even though Heeseung was a year older than Sunoo, it was this naiveness that Sunoo cherished dearly about his hyung.
Of course, he never said this out loud, out of fear.
But, those same unspoken bambi eyes were always his favorite part about Heeseung. Those big, round eyes were the same ones who looked at Sunoo with so much intent when Sunoo would rant and vent about his frustrations,
The same eyes that understood every word Sunoo said,
The same eyes that shined, with the same luminance as they did when Heeseung watched the stars,
as they did when they looked into Sunoo’s eyes.
Sunoo reached out his hand between their laps, and with practiced familiarity, Heeseung reached his out as well, into the palms of Sunoo’s hand, nimble fingers intertwining with the younger’s. It was instinct, this touch.
Even with the chilling night wind that tingled Sunoo’s skin, goosebumps rising up and down with each touch, in his lucid state, the scene felt strangely comfortable— a dream, a cascade of blues and blurs, only one thing clear to him.
“Honestly, sometimes I would genuinely wish for the world to end… not out of hatred for the world, but out of the exhaustion I felt for being who I am, living the life I have as me.”
“I never thought a day like this would actually come, a day where my once wished-for daydreams would become reality,”
“But the truth is, even though back then I would truly want the world to suddenly end, to end my suffering,”
“There was one thing that consistently brought me hope, told me to live on, told me to not hate myself,”
Looking up, Sunoo finds those eyes.
“And that thing that I often called a miracle in my life was you.”
A blonde head leans against Heeseung’s shoulders.
“No matter how much I would wish for the world of end, for an apocalypse to come in the moment of my pain,”
“When I thought of you, when I confided in you, you erased those wishes from my head.”
Eyes cast down, the corners of Sunoo’s lips tugs subtly upward.
“You’re always there for me, always understanding me, always accepting me for who I am.”
Silence, a breeze soughing past the two. The lithe grasses around them sways, brushing against the expanse of their legs.
“And in this moment, I feel the same way— I again, in pain, wanted the world to end.”
“Yet here we are, and that ‘want’ has become our reality.”
Sunoo exhales. Underneath Heeseung, a tear escapes Sunoo’s eyes. His hands, still intertwined in Heeseung’s, tightens. With a slight tremor,
“But truly, because of you, I want to keep living.”
Sunoo leans deeper into Heeseung.
“Although our time now is limited, although we don’t have much time left, I want to spend the rest of my time with you, no matter how limited our time is.”
“Hyung, I want to thank you for everything.”
Heeseung tightens his grip on Sunoo’s hand, and if he didn’t already rest his head on Sunoo’s too, he does so now.
Sunoo is crying at this point, and Heeseung strokes the back of Sunoo’s head in steady and soft pats, hushing his cries, repeating those same, intimate and gentle whispers.
“Heeseung hyung,” Sunoo says calmly.
“They said there would be a meteor shower tonight, Hyung. The last one we’ll be able to see,”
“Let’s stay here until the stars fall, and make our last wishes,”
“Together.”
Heeseung nods in agreement, caressing the back of Sunoo’s head in comfort again, humming in agreement. They sit in silence for a bit, between quiet sniffles and watered eyes, waiting for the first comet to appear.
It isn't long before the first star falls, and Sunoo exhales.
Heeseung waits for Sunoo, his eyes always exploring the younger before he speaks.
“Hyung,” Sunoo breaks the silence.
A second star falls.
It feels like a millennium passes before Sunoo rises, sitting up. His eyes making their way up, stopping at a clear view of Heeseung’s face, innocent, with those familiar saucer eyes.
A singular sigh escaped Sunoo’s lips as he leaned forward, eyes zeroing in on Heeseung’s lips.
Heeseung inhales, expectant. The stars in the sky gradually keep falling, the sky getting darker with each tear across the velveted blanket of the night.
“Heeseung hyung,”
Sunoo looks up, eyes meeting and delving one last time into those bambi eyes he cherished so much.
With a hand cupped around his mouth, he leans forward, as if he was telling a secret. With the stars falling behind them, it felt like they were the last people in this world of theirs. Desolate, empty, just them.
Sunoo’s soft lips nearly peck the hood of the elder’s ear as he breathes in, his breath warm against Heeseung’s cheek. With one last breath, Sunoo prepares his last words, a first and last confession made solely for Heeseung. Amidst the falling stars, he whispers:
“I love you.”