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“Right, Eddie?”
He blinks and Hen comes back into focus across the table from him, her amused smile fading into a light frown.
“What?” Eddie asks, suddenly very aware of how utterly disconnected from the conversation he’d been. Hen looks back toward the kitchen where Chimney looks genuinely betrayed.
“Come on, man! You’re the only one who’s been on my side here, now you’re saying you were just humming along and not even paying attention?!” He rounds the counter and sits down at the far end of the table, crossing his arms.
“Admit it, Han. You and your incorrect movie opinions are outnumbered,” Ravi pats him on the back patronizingly before taking the seat next to him.
“Keep talking, Pannikar. Next shift you might be getting real familiar with the latrines.”
“Are you okay, Eddie?” Hen nudges his leg under the table and Eddie huffs.
“Yeah, I was just… thinking.”
“Where did you go just now?” Chim leans forward, eyes studying him suspiciously. “Kind of looked like you were a million miles away.”
Eddie takes a deep breath. Now is not the time. They’re smack dab in the middle of a 24 hour shift, enjoying the first real moment of calm they’ve had all day. Ravi is on his second 5-hour energy. Hen is on a new antiinflamatory juice cleanse and not happy about it. Chim is all but pouting at him for not backing him up on whatever the hell they’d been talking about. And perhaps worst of all, Buck is working out downstairs.
He shouldn’t say anything. He should just stay quiet. He should just shut the fuck up and keep it to himself until the end of shift, it’s not like he hasn’t–
“I'm bi.”
Eddie hadn’t expected the words to spill out of him. He also hadn’t expected the absolute rush of adrenaline and fresh air that fill his lungs immediately after that. For a moment he gets so caught up in the dizzy feeling in his head that it takes him a good minute to realize the room is in complete silence.
Raising his eyes to the rest of the team, Eddie is surprised to find them all staring at him, jaws dropped in disbelief.
Well damn, so much for warm support.
“What?” Hen finally asks, genuine confusion stamping her face.
“I'm bi,” he says again, more confident… or something like it. “I've been doing some soul searching since Nashville and…” he nods to himself, a shy smile stamping his face as he looks up to his team, “I guess I’m finally ready to share this with you guys.”
They, however, do not share in his whimsy.
“You're joking.” Ravi deadpans.
His tone isn’t mean—which is somehow even more confusing—, he sounds almost… disbelieving. Incredulous, maybe? “Uh, no?” Eddie redirects his attention to Hen who seems even more cartoonishly confused than Ravi, one of her brows arched high and her mouth still wide open.
“Eddie, are you telling me you think you're bisexual?” She asks, her tone begging to be corrected.
Of all the people in the room, he hadn’t expected the only other openly queer person to be belittling his self-discovery.
Queer. Huh.
As a last resort, Eddie turns to Chim, hoping he’d be more understanding, only to be met with the blankest stare he’d ever seen.
“I am bisexual.”
There's a moment of stunned silence. There’s barely any movement around the table for several seconds, the faint, distant sound of the treadmill downstairs the only thing to be heard.
“Okay,” Ravi slams his hands on his thighs and stands up, frustrated. “That’s enough.”
Hen blinks away from Eddie. “Wait, Ravi…”
“No, Hen. I'm sorry, but I need to say something.”
Chim huffs and covers his face with his hands, his voice coming out muffled. “Come on dude, we talked about this–”
“Chim, this is insane! We can't just keep watching this!” Ravi raises his voice, gesturing at Eddie with both arms.
Eddie’s trying not to take it personally, but given that it seems very personal, he’s not having much luck. “What the hell, guys–”
“Maybe it is time, Chim,” Hen half shrugs at Chim, darting a quick look at Eddie in the meantime.
“Yes! We need to put everybody out of their misery!” Ravi paces two steps to the side and back again, the 5-hour energies clearly in full swing.
Chim blows out a breath and nods solemnly and shrugs back at the other two and Eddie feels like he’s going insane. “What the hell are you guys talking ab–”
“Eddie, you are not bi.”
Ravi’s words are pointed, not up for discussion, final. He rarely ever gets serious and right now the unblinking eye contact combined with the very aggressive two-hand pointing is starting to make him rethink his confession.
Eddie quickly glances at the others. “Uh… yes, I am.”
Ravi shakes his head once. “See, you might think that. But you would be extremely wrong.”
Eddie frowns, leaning back on his chair defensively. “Bisexuals exist, Ravi.”
“They do. You are not one of them,” he responds without missing a beat, hands still pressed together, now gesturing at him accusatorially, causing Eddie’s frown to deepen and Hen to raise her hands placatingly.
“What Ravi is trying to say is that... we think you're on the right path to some… amazing self discovery.”
“No, what I'm saying is open your eyes—you are gay!”
The noise in Eddie’s head goes quiet and he blinks, the words slowly sinking in. A weird tingly feeling spreads across his whole body, his palm suddenly very sweaty. “I… Uh… Just cause I'm at-attracted to guys doesn't mean that I'm… gay.”
“No, your complete lack of interest in women does that.”
“Wh–people can be bi, you know?”
He nods. “People can. You–can't.”
“So what, you're saying I'm gay?”
“Yes!” Ravi nods emphatically, almost sighing in relief at his message being acknowledged.
Eddie narrows his eyes at Chimney and Hen, the traitors. “Do you agree with that?”
“Uh–”
“I... well…”
He lets himself fall back against the back chair. “Oh my God.”
“It's okay, Eddie,” Hen is quick to jump back in. “Sometimes we try on a few labels to see how it feels before we find the right one.”
Whatever quiet had taken over Eddie suddenly gives way to a downtown-LA-traffic-jam-on-the-Fourth-of-July level chaos in his head. “Why do you think I'm gay?”
Ravi’s eyebrows almost disappear into his frazzled hair. “Why do you think you're bi?!”
“I was married to a woman, Ravi. I had loving relationships with women.”
“Did you though?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Did you love Ana?”
Okay, that’s not playing fair. “We didn't date that long.”
“Did you even like her?”
“Of course I did, just... not... not like that…”
“How? Romantically?”
“I…” Well… yes.
“So what did you like about her?”
“She was nice and really good with Christopher.”
“Like a teacher would be?”
Huh. “I–”
“And what did you like about Marisol?”
“She... she was funny and nice and…”
“...Great with Christopher?”
Goddamn it, Panikkar. “I…”
“And did you tell her you loved her?”
“We... we weren't ready to say it yet.”
“Weren’t you together for like a year? You asked her to move in with you.”
“That's because... it... it felt like the right thing to do.”
“Oh. So not because you loved her and wanted to be with her, which you clearly didn’t because you avoided her for a full week and then kicked her out; But because you felt like you had to. Like it was—and stay with me here—compulsory?”
“I... just... wanted to do right by her,” his voice comes out tiny and Hen covers his hand with hers.
“We know, Eddie. We just mean that... maybe that’s part of the problem.”
Chim leans on his forearms with a half-hearted shrug. “You try to do the honorable thing instead of just... doing what would make you happy… Like with Marisol… and Shannon.”
He frowns. No. Shannon’s different. “But I... I loved her.”
“We know that, Eddie.” Hen assures him.
“So, what, you're telling me I loved my wife in a gay way?”
Ravi doesn’t even hesitate. “Yep.”
“How is that possible?”
“I don't know, you're the gay one,” he crosses his arms, annoyed that Eddie’s still fighting him on it.
“Eddie, tell me this,” Hen draws his attention back. “Do you feel genuine attraction to women? Do you feel a real connection to them? What do you look for in a partner?”
He stutters out a huffy, half-hearted laugh, incredulous at how absolutely a conversation can derail in two hundred and forty seconds. “T-t-that doesn't mean anything because I-I’m not even looking for anyone!”
Ravi leans forward over the chair, a sudden twinkle in his eyes. “And why is that?”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe you already feel like your family is complete?”
Eddie nods. “Yeah.”
“And not only are things fine the way they are, they’ve never been better?”
“Right…”
“And who is a big, hunky, blue-eyed part of that perfect little family?”
“Buck?” Eddie tries to huff out a laugh, but it comes off strangled. His stomach twists and untwists into knots as he tries to come up with words. “I… no–”
“Eddie, listen to me. What made you figure out you were attracted to guys?”
There’s no air in this room. He needs air. Jesus Christ, he needs air. “I… Nothing, just–”
“Why now? Why Nashville?”
Panic. No, stop. “I… I…”
“Do I need to carry you past the finish line or are you there yet?” Ravi almost begs. Eddie’s eyes dart between his friends, the blood rushing his ears way too loud to hear much of anything now. Eddie takes in their expressions, unable to process anything but the cold truth that Ravi just shoved down his throat.
“I... I'm... Am I… in love with Buck?”
Chim stands up with both fists in the air and Ravi takes a victory lap around the kitchen island. “Thank you, Lord! Oh my God!”
“We did it, team!” Chim claps, bowing to the others.
Hen turns in her seat. “Hey. Eddie did it.”
“No, this one is on us. Up top, Cap!” Ravi and Chim high five each other dramatically as Eddie stares off into the middle distance, jaw dropped, confused and humiliated. Truly this shit show could hardly get any wor–
“Hey, Eddie!”
A voice sounds from behind him coming up the stairs and he turns. Of course he turns.
“Uh-oh,” he hears Chim whisper.
“Okay so maybe the timing wasn't the best,” Ravi mutters back.
Buck’s eyes find him the moment he’s visible over the top of the stairs, and the same second that Eddie considers he might have fucked up by not hiding under the table, Buck smiles and him and his lungs can take a deep breath again.
“Hey,” he says, too needy, too breathy, like a loser. So he stands and wipes his hands on his pants. “What’s up?”
“Chris just called and asked me to ask you if he can stay late at Max’s house for DnD.”
Eddie frowns, shaking his head.
“What? When was this?”
“Just now,” Buck throws a thumb over his shoulder, pointing downstairs.
Eddie crosses his arms, suppressing a grin. “And why not just call me?”
“Because it’s a school night and he knew you’d say no.”
“But if you asked, I’d say yes?” Buck opens his arms, palms up, as if saying well, is he wrong? and Eddie can’t even help the chuckle that escapes him. “Alright, fine. But you pick him up later. And wake him up tomorrow.”
Buck’s smile is already worth the 25-minute late warning phone call Eddie will inevitably get tomorrow morning. “Deal! I’ll go call him!”
Eddie’s eyes follow him out of the mezzanine like he’s attuned to Buck’s every cell. The moment he’s out of sight, Eddie’s eyes drift over to the rest of the team, trying really hard—with varying levels of success—to not laugh at his stupid, lovestruck face. “Oh, shut up.”
“And apparently Amy’s character was hit with a fireball like five minutes into the session,” Buck explains through a mouthful of cookies as Eddie chuckles, placing the frying pan on the drying rack. “Are you sure I can’t help you? It’ll go faster with both of us.”
“Sit down. You cooked, I clean, just like always,” Buck tries to chew faster and argue, but Eddie intercepts him while picking up the dishes from the table. “Okay, so just one fireball doesn’t sound so bad.”
Buck nods enthusiastically. “You’d think so, but it turns out a fireball is like thirty feet wide or something.”
“Oof, that sounds bad,” he grimaces, barely paying attention to the plates he’s washing.
“What’s bad is fucking up all of your saving throws.”
“Oh, no…” Eddie flips through his very limited knowledge of DnD for the concept of a saving throw and comes up empty. “...I assume.”
Buck laughs and Eddie risks a glance over his shoulder. Blue eyes meet his instantly and wow, he’s been an idiot. “Chris helped her make a new character.”
“Nice–”
“Who then also died.”
A laugh bubbles out of him and he feels like he’s going insane. Whatever panic he’d felt before had completely dissolved when Buck came into his orbit and then simply refused to return. He decides the plates are as clean as they’ll be and sets them on the rack. “Man, she can’t catch a break.”
“But fear not, after some group effort, Amy’s new Vhampir-Rune-Knight-Abhorrhent-Dragon is all set for next session.”
Eddie turns around and is met with sleepy Buck resting his face gently on his hand while leaning back on his chair. “Are you just making words up?” he squints.
The brightest, most beautiful, tired grin lights up the room. “Honestly, I might. Chris talked the whole way back and I only understood like forty percent of it,”
“I thought you were a nerd in middle school.”
Buck crosses his arms, and Eddie’s teasing grin falters for a moment as his t-shirt strains against his biceps. “If you must know, DnD was for the cool kids in Hershey.”
“Sure, bud.” Eddie absentmindedly steps closer.
At that, Buck stretches his arm above his head and Eddie’s eyes trail again. “But then again, we played basic, good, old fashioned third edition back in my--”
Buck stops so suddenly that Eddie’s eyes dart back up to his face, which is now a deep shade of red. At first, Eddie thinks he’d been caught staring, but Buck exhales and covers his eyes, an almost completely inaudible oh my God leaving his lips.
Eddie’s brain finally finishes processing what he said and a cackle escapes him before he covers his mouth.
“Were you going to say back in my day?!”
Buck whines, shaking his head. “Kill me. Kill me now. I’m so old.”
“Octagenarian old man Buckley, holy shit.”
“Don’t give me attitude, Diaz,” he warns, pointing a finger at Eddie. “You’ll be right there with me.”
He probably means it as a joke.
It’s definitely a joke.
But fuck, if it doesn’t sound like a promise.
Eddie doesn’t even have the time to stop the vision of the both of them sitting on a porch somewhere, reading books in silence together, Buck finally having relented that he does actually need glasses, sharing the table of treats between them, putting their books down to take another mini quiche because they’d rather do that then let go of each other’s hands.
All this time Eddie’s future had not only been right in front of him, but from the moment they met, it became the only option. No wonder he could never see a future with anyone else. It had already been irreversibly taken.
“What?” he finds himself asking, blinking in his kitchen, rudely ripped out of the perfect daydream.
“What’s going on?” Buck repeats, a slightly concerned line between his brows.
“It’s nothing,” he tries—in vain, because when had Buck ever accepted that as an answer?
“No, come on, what is it?” he stands up and Eddie’s life gets just a little bit more challenging.
“I just…” Eddie’s voice comes out too breathy. He clears his throat, chuckling awkwardly, barely resisting the pull to keep stepping closer, “I just got this flash of us as old men.”
Buck’s eyes brighten up and he smiles wide. “Still together?”
Eddie smiles back. Control yourself. “Yeah. Always.”
“Want a beer–?”
“I’m in love with you.”
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, EDMUNDO.
Buck’s face immediately freezes and Eddie closes his eyes, cursing himself and all of his ancestors for apparently being incapable of keeping something to himself… well, once he steps off the denial train. “Uh, sorry. Blurting out a lot of things today.”
Eddie risks another glance to Buck. From what he can tell, he doesn’t appear to be blinking, simply frozen with his lips parted and eyes slightly too wide. Okay, not so bad. At least his reaction isn’t as bad as--
“What the fuck did you just say?!”
Eddie throws his arms up in frustration. “Okay, what’s going on? Why is everybody on my ass about what I–it’s not easy saying these things, you know!”
“No no no no no, I’m sorry, it’s just… I…” Buck steps forward, reaching out to steady Eddie’s shoulders, but never quite making contact. His eyes move between Eddie’s as if trying to find answers in them. “I must have… m-misheard you, is all.”
“Did you hear me say I loved you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then you didn’t mishear.”
“Oh.” Buck lowers his arms and Eddie can all but hear the gears turning in his head. “Wait, what did you tell people?”
“I tried to come out as bi and Ravi yelled at me that I’m just gay and well… here we are.”
He frowns a little. “People can be bi, you know?”
“That’s what I said!” Eddie exclaims before shrugging. “But he did turn out to be right, unfortunately. I mean, not unfortunately about the gay part, just the Ravi-being-right part. ”
Buck nods, still not quite present. “Alright. So you’re gay.”
“Yes.”
“And you love me.”
“Yes.”
“You’re in love with me.”
“Yes, Buck.”
“But not… like… bros?”
Eddie chuckles. “No, Buck, not like bros.”
“Like… like…”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Can I ask you for a favor?”
“Anything.”
Buck takes two steps back, hits the counter behind him and death grips the lip. “I need you to take many, many steps back because I really want to kiss you right now, but I also really don’t want to scare you off.”
Eddie nods, biting the inside of his cheek to keep his grin from spreading, and instead takes a step toward Buck. And another. And another. By the time Eddie steps in between Buck’s legs, his breath is coming out in short bursts, his hands are white-knuckling the lip of the counter and his eyes, now almost completely dark, keep darting to Eddie’s lips—like he can’t help himself. Eddie drinks in the hitch in Buck’s breath as he touches his waist to bring himself closer.
“I think I can handle it,” he leans in the rest of the way and closes his eyes just as their lips touch.
Buck’s arms immediately wrap around him and the sigh he breathes against Eddie’s lips is nothing short of utter relief. Eddie fights the burning behind his eyes as his heart races, his breath catches and every little jagged piece suddenly perfectly snaps into place. His head spins when Buck’s hand travels up to his jaw, changing the angle of the kiss as Eddie gets bolder, licking Buck’s bottom lip and getting a breathy moan in return.
Eddie feels drunk. He’s barely-aware the life-altering discoveries floating by in the periphery of his conscience as Buck takes charge of the kiss, swapping places to hike him up on the counter, shove his tongue down his throat and make him forget his name.
So this is what it feels like.
How do people ever get anything done?
I never want to kiss another set of lips for as long as I live.
Buck buck buck buck Buck Buck buck Buck
Almost as if reading Eddie’s thoughts, Buck slows down before breaking the kiss, wild expression completely raw before letting out an airy laugh before resting his forehead against Eddie’s. “What are you doing to me?”
“Sorry. Couldn’t resist.”
“Kissing the daylights out of me?”
“Starting to grow old with you.”
Buck backs away ever so slightly, his eyes once again searching. Whatever it is, he seems to find it pretty quick now that Eddie is long past being capable of schooling his facial expressions.
“I love you, too.”
Eddie caresses Buck’s face and watches as he melts against him. “Then take me to bed, Buckley. And don’t you dare try to get me to help with Chris in the morning. That’s your doing.”
A sly smile spreads across Buck’s face. “Only because you can’t resist me.”
“Shut up,” he rolls his eyes before letting himself get kissed down the hall.