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Everything should be fine, Mizuki told themself. They could be honest with their friends now, they were learning more about what they could do after high school and they were looking into universities and career paths and the like, and they'd increased the amount of time they spent working with clothing. Mizuki had the world in front of them, their future could take any path, and there was little that could stop them. A year ago, this never would've been possible; a year ago, they were still hiding from everyone. Lying and running away because they knew no other way to deal with their pain. Now they had no reason to be worried.
So why was it that every other message they received sent them into a spiral, questioning their own motives and thoughts like they had when they were still hiding? She knew Ena and Mafuyu and Kanade accepted her for who she was and none of their opinions on her had changed, but sometimes seeing the notifications from them hurt for reasons they couldn't explain.
Mizuki took a lemon-flavoured candy out of the bag of ramune candy Rui had let her have after a few minutes of politely asking over and over again. They ate it without a second thought. Lemon wasn't their favourite flavour; it was awfully sour and a little bitter at times. But it wasn't something they hated to eat and they knew Rui would tease them for returning the bag empty except for the one flavour they weren't a big fan of, so they were eating the candy anyway.
The aftertaste of it was painfully sweet. Almost as if Mizuki had just eaten a fragment of the sun. It was tasty, but it was also one of those things that even Mafuyu would be able to detect if faintly, and so it was very overpowering.
Something clicked in their mind as they looked down at Ena's latest message, a simple hey, are you still coming tonight, amia? and tried to decide what to say in return. (It used to be so simple; just say yes but with a teasing comment attached, maybe a variation on Oh, do you miss me? That's so embarrassing for you, Enanan!)
Bittersweet lemon candy. Bittersweet future. Bittersweet friendships, bittersweet messages. The flavour was now finding its way into every aspect of Mizuki's life, and though it was definitely an improvement from a mixture of bitterness and sourness, it was in some ways worse. Gone was the crushing loneliness, replaced with a yearning to never have to leave their friends because they loved everyone so dearly but they knew that in time, Nightcord could very well disband. Everyone would walk their own paths, find their own dreams, and Mizuki-
Mizuki might need to leave the music circle. And they had learned what a month of separation from their friends did to them. She never wanted to go through something like that again. It had been too much for their heart after so much time spent in the presence of genuine friends. Now they were closer than ever to their friends. Leaving... leaving would be so difficult.
They didn't want to leave. If they could choose to stay, they would. But if their studies or their work took them far from everyone they cherished- would they follow their dream or remain to cherish that time with their friends that they yearned for more than anything?
Recently, they'd noticed that they were clingier with their friends.
Bittersweet, to create memories of pure happiness knowing that one day they might have to separate from the very people that gave them that joy.
For when they would hug Kanade after hanging out with her, they would hug her for a second or four longer than they needed to. And Mafuyu wasn't big on physical touch (except for when Kanade was holding their hand; Mizuki knew something was going on there, she just didn't know what), so Mizuki had been spending more time with them, studying or working side by side though they didn't need to be in the same place to do such things. They didn't even need to be doing them together. But homework was less awful when you were doing it with a friend. Mafuyu being in the year above really didn't hurt either.
And Ena... well, Mizuki still couldn't believe what had happened with Ena despite it having been two months already. They got to kiss her now. Recently they would linger in that moment for an instant more before separating from her.
It was cowardly and weak to be unable to face one's fears but Mizuki had always been a coward. Now they were almost proud of it. Proud of their friendships and amazed at how they had managed to be friends with everyone for so long.
There was no reason to assign blame in this situation. Life simply was as it was and there was no way to change that. Fate would lead them down whatever paths and they would do their best to stay in touch but there was no way of knowing if they would. So sometimes Mizuki found it almost cathartic to blame their relationships, their love, for this. They would even blame themself. Getting attached to people, their middle school self would have said, was a good way to end up crying when those friendships inevitably dissolved either due to conflict or distance. Mizuki knew better now, though.
Or they should know better.
They wanted their friends to be happy, to follow their hearts. So why then was the very suggestion that those roads could lead away from the home they always found themself in at 25:00 so upsetting? Why did they cry so much about it? Why did speaking about their friends to Yuuki feel so much harder now?
Objectively, they should be able to let go. To look back on everything with a smile and a tear in their eye but to say that it was all beautiful and they did not regret any of it, not even how it ended.
But the bittersweet taste of their memories brought them so much joy that they could not allow any of those days to fade. And so they remained a coward.
"Until death do us part," read some old European tradition, and Mizuki hoped it applied not only to marriages but to midnight dreams shared with the most unlikely group of friends because they could not bear the thought of separation anymore.
They were so weak.
And- and maybe this was the worst part, their friends loved them despite it. Everyone would be there when they were struggling, to offer a hand or a hug or five minutes of silence for them to just exist in.
Mizuki wanted to cry.
ofc, enanan! what, missed me?
So normal. So beautiful and amazing and normal and Mizuki never wanted to stop writing those words.
Nightcord was their home in some ways. Of course they were home in a literal sense right now, but the idea of an emotional home, of somewhere they could go when they needed to be understood without a word, had always been so endearing to them. And that was where their friends came in. Where hours upon hours of sleepless nights talking about nothing and a hundred songs they'd animated music videos for brought them peace and comfort that they'd never known before.
Mizuki would hate to see any of that taken away.
yes. it's been a long day
Oh. Ena had responded already?
long day?
(Mizuki wanted to be there for their friends no matter what. Sometimes the intensity of it made them reel.)
- yk. dad being dad. and then my favourite cheesecake shop was CLOSED when I went by. the audacity.
Mizuki had to fight back laughter upon reading that. Of course Ena would complain about a lack of cheesecake. That was so Ena.
aww, poor enanan, not getting her cheesecake...
you're lucky you're not in sekai right now was Ena's only response to that.
sorry about your dad, Mizuki wrote.
- he'sjust being the usual "but are you certain?" also I ran into the two worst people I know today (dad isn't one of them, he's. actually not too bad now)
Mizuki bit their lip. They didn't know who Ena meant by that, so...
Yuki and Lil Bro'?
shut up. it was the guys whose names I don't know but whom I would very much like to have expelled from school. they were asking me some dumb shit and I was just trying to get cheesecake
Oh. Oh. That was unexpected. Mizuki frowned.
yeah they suck
Ena proceeded to send them a few messages detailing exactly why the guys were annoying, and Mizuki read all her words with care. They wanted to continue to be a good friend (and good partner, but that was sort of included now) to Ena, and so they weren't going to skim over any of her messages. It felt wrong not to cherish any time they got to spend with their friends anyway, even if that meant doing things that were monotonous. Or which involved reading about three paragraphs' worth of insults directed at their bullies. (That was actually sort of cathartic.)
Mizuki left their room, went to the kitchen, and took a picture of the cheesecake that their mom had bought for dessert yesterday and sent it to Ena in an attempt to cheer her up. By the time they'd closed the fridge, she'd sent them about six messages.
WHAT you're so lucky amia.
can i have some???
please?
(its ok if not but like.)
i want it. now.
They laughed and reopened the fridge. meet me in sekai in 3 minutes?
Ena responded immediately. you're the best
Mizuki cut a decent slice of the cheesecake, put it on a plate, went up to their room with a fork, and pressed play. The millisecond they arrived in Sekai, the cheesecake disappeared, and they were met with a very happy Ena. "Couldn't wait?" she asked.
Ena shook her head. "Oh, this is good. Where'd you get it?"
"My mom bought it from that specialty store we went to in my neighbourhood." Mizuki smiled and tried to ignore the nagging sensation that this wasn't forever. That they wouldn't always be able to give Ena cheesecake to make her feel better about a shitty day.
That one day, they wouldn't be able to share cheesecake with anyone.
"I need to go there again," Ena said in between bites. "Thanks, Amia."
Mizuki gave her a hug once she'd finished and held it for longer than she really needed to but why not? "Enjoy your youth," everyone said, and if this was what that meant- if this period of their life was destined to end, should they not cling to every second they loved?
When they left the Sekai, they felt more alone than ever. Ena sent them a couple messages of thank-yous, but they didn't know if they wanted to respond. (Acknowledging that that moment had ended- why would Mizuki ever want to do such a thing?)
If they were a stronger person, if they could look at themself in the mirror and say that they would do just fine on their own, Mizuki would curse their friends. Damn them all for how they'd made her feel, for how they loved her and would never stop loving her, because the pain of separating was too strong.
But Mizuki was weak. Always had been.
So they sent Ena a sticker for you're welcome and let her grumble about her awful day for a little while longer. They teased her about the cheesecake a little, not enough to complain to Mafuyu and Kanade about how unfair Ena was being, and when 25:00 rolled around, they tuned into the Nightcord call and let themself smile for a moment.
Tomorrow they would wake up, look back at the chat logs, and cry because they knew it would end, but it was so late and this was so normal that it was easier to forget about it all. To embrace the sweet taste of friendship knowing that the bitterness would find them eventually.
Mizuki ignored the future in favour of pretending like it would never come, and for now, that would trick their mind into believing everything would turn out as they wished.