Work Text:
and well, maybe it's the way you look at me now,
your eyes used to be your eyes,
your face used to be your face,
your heart used to be your heart,
your mind used to be your—
and of course, maybe it's like it always has been. all of it. all of us. maybe you never truly came here, Allegra, maybe your trip on the train, and your friends that were not your friends, and the bags on that train that was for only, for only a little while, a train, did not actually happen, and never really were, Allegra
maybe you were never really handed an umbrella, on that train station, Allegra
maybe it never was not raining, for you, Allegra,
perhaps the city only fashioned you for me, like it has so many other things, perhaps it birthed you, screaming and churning out of itself, poured you out and of my fleeting hope to find someone who sees me, only sees me, just another trap, or test, or game, ending and purposed to rip you away. your understanding, your seeing me, to turn me out more raw and hopeless than i ever had been before, more burnt to kinship, to being seen, just another ploy to make me lose any last dash of hope in my gut, to leave me helpless with loneliness, too—
or perhaps you are only simply in league with it, now, Allegra
perhaps you have abandoned me to it, Allegra
sometimes I convince myself you could still be in there, under this lying dance we duck through, two steps forward, 10 steps back, day after morning after day, sometimes i convince myself there is meaning to your actions still, but you are not you, and none of this is real, and none of this is happening, and you are still the city, and our daughter was only the city, and our son is only the city, and at night your veins swirl down your wrists like dark shadow alleyways, Allegra, and don't you know? don't you know Allegra that i do not think you are real?
and don’t you know none of this could have happened? or some of it could have happened?
you talk about expansion, and you talk about our son, and—
and Lucia was afraid. and Lucia had something wrong with her. and I looked at her and she was broken, broken and breaking, a problem, a problem inside her, too afraid, too sick, and I was just like my mother, wasn’t I, Allegra?
and lucia was never real to begin with, Allegra
and jack is not real, even as he sketches black coal lines on the walls, twisted body, happy, always happy, always happy,
he is not real. he can hurt me. but he is not real, Allegra
we never got married, Allegra, the wedding photos on the wall show me in a suit, and—
and they paint us happy, happy, smiling stock photos of people, standing just-so and just-poised enough to lie and say we are a family, we are regular, we are happy, we are happy, we are happy,
we have always been happy, happy with each other, in this house, happy
and i do not like suits, Allegra, the ties are too stiff around my neck, Allegra, and i do not know if i could ever propose, Allegra, but the wedding photos show me smiling, Allegra, and i
i do not think i can smile like that, Allegra,
i do not think i ever have, Allegra,
and sometimes i convince myself, when i wake to you sitting beside me, petting my hair, as i stare at the wall, as you say David go back to sleep , David you have an interview at noon, you need rest, David shhh, you’re alright David, I have you David, no even if you do not work I will not make you go to the streets, David, that would be silly, David, we are married, David, I will not hurt you, David, shhhhh,
shhhhhhh,
shhhh David, shhh,
I have you, David, you are safe, David, I love you David,
i convince myself that you did really love me, or do really love me, or still really love me,
but you are not you, anymore, Allegra,
and i am tired, Allegra,
and no matter how much you tell me to rest, to sleep, and no matter how much like you it does sound like, your words are not real, like they used to be
your eyes are not your eyes like they used to be,
your face is not your face like it used to be,
your heart is not your heart like it used to be,
your mind is not your—
and i am alone in bed beside you, Allegra,
i am alone, right there, as you pet my hair,
i am alone,
and you might be real, Allegra, and that may be worse, Allegra, if you are still you, and you took its invitation, its umbrella from the rain, if you are still you, but you are helping it, helping it, and—
are you still you, Allegra?
because even if you are, Allegra, and you are the city now, Allegra, and you—
and you—
you…..
and the expansion.
you have told me the city has offered me, Allegra, has invited me, Allegra, did it invite you? did you take it?
are you still you, Allegra?
if you are still you, Allegra, why would you do this to me?
your eyes used to be your eyes,
your face used to be your face,
your heart used to be your heart,
your mind used to be your mind, Allegra
your mind used to be your mind, Allegra
but now, if it ever was, it is not, Allegra,
and you
you are helping it, Allegra,
not me
not me, anymore
if you ever were
your mind used to be your mind, Allegra
you used to be mine, Allegra
you used to be Allegra.