Chapter Text
“They’re serial killers.”
Chuuya doesn’t even acknowledge such delusions by lifting his head up from his focused rubbing of lotion in circles on his elbows. In his experience – and what a repertoire it is – there’s no need to acknowledge Dazai whenever he gets stupid ideas. Rather unfortunately, it happens a lot.
“I tell you, Chuuya, you shouldn’t—”
“Is it because Mikoto-san gave us that curry yesterday?”
“That curry was from them?!”
“Stop making that disgusted face,” Chuuya chides the other even though he doesn’t actually witness the other’s exaggerated expressions. “You enjoyed eating that food.”
“Only because I didn’t know it came from—”
“You even had seconds.” Chuuya’s smiling a little as Dazai sulks by draping all over his shoulders, the other’s idiotic face pressed against the back of his neck. “You couldn’t get enough of the curry.”
“I didn’t know it came from them.”
Chuuya laughs more openly now as he focuses the lotion-rubbing on his other elbow. “How can you believe that it came from Akutagawa?”
“You told me it came from Akutagawa!”
“And you believed me.”
“I did and I’m regretting it, you traitor.”
Five years ago and there’s no way that Dazai didn’t fact-check every single information that entered his sphere.
Remembering that fact only makes Chuuya laugh more.
“Stop laughing so cutely at me, it’s not gonna work.”
“There’s nothing cute here,” Chuuya wriggles slightly when Dazai licks a stripe at his neck. “I’m laughing at your idiocy.”
“It’s cute.” Dazai then rubs his cheek at where he just licked. Gross. “And you taste like chocolate.”
“It’s the lotion that Higuchi recommended! Cocoa and shea butter, with a hint of rose wine—”
“So you like it just because it has wine?”
Well, yes.
But he’s not going to admit that, okay.
“It’s lovely as fuck.”
“Mmm, I kind of want to eat you.”
“Uh, get that cannibalism far away from me.”
“Wow, no wonder nobody else wanted to screw you, Chuuya.”
“W-W-What,” Chuuya digs his elbows backwards so he catches the other’s abdomen. Serves him right for clinging to him like some slimy octopus. “What the fuck?!”
“I was trying to be romantic and you go to cannibalism?”
“You said you were gonna eat me!”
“Yeah, sexily!”
“No?!” Chuuya wrestles with Dazai a little bit as Dazai retaliates against his sharp elbows (moisturized or not) by picking him up and depositing both of their bodies on the custom-built bed that’s like an equivalent of three king-sized beds. “You and sexy, huh, that’s hilarious.”
“Yet you’re blushing!”
“Because you’re embarrassing!”
“Do you mean, you’re embarrassed?”
“Because you’re an embarrassing idiot.”
“Yet you love this embarrassing idiot.” Dazai whispers that against his right ear, as they roll across the bed. Five years ago and Chuuya would have futilely tried his best to use his Ability to lift Dazai away from him, because even the thought of being in the same room is just… Disgusting. “Though you’re trying to distract me from my findings.”
Chuuya sighs. And here they are, they’ve been doing so well. “They’re not serial killers.”
“Well the only other explanation is that they actually like you.”
“I’m very likeable?!”
What other proof than the fact that he actually has Dazai Osamu in his bed?!
At that statement though, Dazai’s entire frame tenses, like a jaguar about to leap unto an unsuspecting prey. “Yeah. Even Atsushi-kun and Kunikida-kun like you.”
“With how often we run into each other in the super—”
“See, why is this the first time I’m hearing about your dates?!”
Chuuya’s not sure whether he should laugh or cry at the other’s outrage. “One, maybe actually listen to me instead of singing about double suicides.”
“But I get so distracted when I see your apron!”
“Not my fault,” Chuuya shuts down that reasoning though he saves that tidbit for future reference. Maybe he ought to strut that apron around when he wants Dazai to buy more wine for him—but then, no. He doesn’t trust the idiot’s taste in wine or in anything else. “Also, two – they’re not dates.”
“But it’s just the two of you, right?” Dazai sounds so patient and logical even while he’s spewing bullshit. It could be considered an Ability in its own right. “…Unless you’re participating in a threesome with them?”
“Yeah, it’s just us three.” Chuuya rolls his eyes when Dazai starts lightly biting him on his neck as they talk. “Unless I count the cashier, the service staff, the janitor, the guard, oh and the other customers too.”
“So it’s a date?!”
“Did you even listen to me?!”
“Maybe I need to buy that entire supermarket so you won’t have rendezvous points with them~~~”
“Yeah and money grows out of your ass.”
“Hey, I can definitely make a billion yen gambling!”
“Don’t sound so proud of that!”
“Not that Chuuya understands – his poker face is utter shit, after all.”
“Because I’m not a damn liar.”
“See, see, this is why they all think you’re an angel.”
“Excuse you, I’m an absolute delight.”
“I knooooooow,” Dazai drags the syllables against his ear. “It’s annoying.”
“Way to go, what a supportive boyfriend you are.”
Dazai stiffens, his arms around Chuuya shaking slightly. Chuuya sighs and leans his back harder against Dazai’s chest.
“…you called me a boyfriend.”
“You don’t have to sound so happy.” It’s making Chuuya smile again and it should be illegal to be this happy and content. Trust Dazai to make him do illegal shit. “It’s an insult.”
“…you called me a boyfriend.”
“It’s an insult,” Chuuya insists, shaking his head at the idiot spooning him. He raises a hand, shoving it near the other’s face. He doesn’t care if he ends up punching Dazai’s eyes. “See this? This is a goddamn wedding ring. We’re already wed. Calling you my boyfriend is a goddamn insult.”
“…your boyfriend…”
“You’re impossible.”
“Nope, I’m your boyfriend.”
“Haaaaaaaaaa,” Chuuya releases a breath that should relieve him of the giddiness bursting inside him. It doesn’t really work.
“But they’re still serial killers.”
“…will you shut up?!”
“Don’t come near them anymore, okay.”
“We’re neighbors.”
“Maybe I should evict them?”
“You’re not a damn landlord!”
“Maybe I should report them to the police.”
“And then?!”
“And they’ll find out that they’re serial killers planning to kidnap you and keep you for themselves.” Dazai sounds entirely too serious and Chuuya thwacks him in three successions. “And then because you’re too nice, you’ll sympathize with them and then you’ll fall in love and then you’ll opt to stay with them and then—”
“One,” Chuuya bops Dazai on the head again. “Akutagawa will shoot you for wasting his time if you do that.”
“Nah, he adores me too much.”
“He adores Atsushi more, so he won’t hesitate to shoot you now.”
“Come to think of it, when is he going to propose? As my subordinate—”
“Atsushi already proposed.”
“WHAT.”
“That was weeks ago?”
“My students are rebelling against me!!!”
“By not telling you, number one gossip, about their happy news?”
“Because they’re now telling you about their love stories!”
“Probably because the last time Atsushi told you about anything romantic, you filmed the entire thing of him asking Akutagawa out?”
“Maaaaan, good times.”
“Rashomon should have torn out your stomach for that.”
“But I’m still alive! Because Akutagawa adores me!”
“Whatever makes you sleep at night.”
“What does that—”
“Also, TWO.” Chuuya turns in Dazai’s arms until they’re facing each other, the bedsprings creaking slightly from their actions. “I won’t fall in love that easily.”
“You fell in love at first sight for me~~~”
“I so did not.”
“Kouyou-anesan says otherwise~”
“URGH.” There might have been changes to the way things work now, but Chuuya still can’t get over the fact that words from Mori and Kouyou are law. “Fine. Fine—I don’t care about that. But, I won’t fall in love with anyone else.”
“You don’t know—”
“I won’t.”
“But—”
“I married you, you fuck.”
“Divorce happens!”
“People killing their husbands out of sheer rage happens, but I’m not doing that either, am I?”
“…not very romantic, Chuuya.”
“It’s not supposed to be.” Chuuya sighs as he pecks Dazai’s lips. “I’m telling you that I will always love you the most.”
Dazai doesn’t blush.
Or at least, that’s what Chuuya lets him believe.
The moment lasts practically an eternity.
Until Dazai breaks it, as usual.
“…they’re still serial killers.”
“Just fucking shut up.”