Work Text:
It was 3am, and Spencer was looking at the envelopes in his locked desk drawer, the letters he wrote to his friends and family for when he eventually died. He updated some of them occasionally based on things that have happened and the people he's met. They all follow the same premise though.
Up to 42% of suicidal people wrote notes to their loved ones, these were his most recent drafts.
Dear Derek,
You’re probably the one finding these, I hope you know what to do with the other notes, they deserve to receive them. I love you so much and don’t let my absence stop you from finding happiness. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out for help, I know you were always pushing for therapy, and I always told you I was fine. You’re the best boyfriend I’ve had, and I’ve never felt this much love for anyone, I need you to remember that. Don’t hate me for this, I tried to get better and nothing worked, I couldn't keep going like this. If there is a heaven (and if I end up there somehow) I will put in a good word with whatever God I meet. I love you always, please don't forget that, you’ll always be my favorite person even in the afterlife. You don't give yourself enough credit for everything you do, and I hope you realize how important you were to me. I love you, and I was never lying about that. I could tell you all these statistics about loved ones committing suicide, but I know none of them will help you deal with this. Remember I'm sorry I didn't stay and, again, I love you so much.
-Love you always,
Spencer
Dear Mom,
I don’t know if you'll get this, but know my death is not your fault. I’m sorry I didn’t come visit you more, but I didn’t want to disappoint you with what I've become, or have to face you not recognizing me anymore. I've always been so proud to be your son and I don’t want this to destroy you. Writing to you has not been the same as seeing you, I miss you so much and my biggest regret will always be not coming to visit more. I loved you reading to me as a kid, you should be getting a package soon with our photo albums and recordings of me reading your favorites. Please never forget my voice, try to hold onto your memory of me for as long as possible. I love you, mom.
-Your son,
Spencer Walter Reid.
Henry,
You’re too young to be reading this but know I loved you so much. I hope you get this when you’re older and able to understand what happened. Death is a really important thing for kids to learn to cope with. I have hope that JJ and Will are going to teach you how to grieve me. Just know that I loved you, you will forever be my Godson, but I was in a lot of pain, the type of pain a doctor can't fix. I really tried to hold out so you had memories of me, but everything got to be too much. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to create more memories with you. My favorite memories with you were the days we took you to the zoo, I'm sure your parents will show you many pictures from those days. If you ever feel alone, reach out to someone. When you're old enough, there is a box addressed to you in my will. Inside contains everything you need to help you get into whatever college you choose.
-Uncle Spence
JJ,
You’re always my favorite pseudo sister and nothing you did caused this. This has been on my mind since before Hankel, it's not your fault. Us deciding to split up that day did not lead to this, I am 99% certain I would've ended up killing myself either way. Stay strong and make sure Henry is told stories about me, make sure he is never alone with the thoughts that I’ve been alone with for years. This isn't your fault, and thank you for keeping me safe all these years. You've been my number one supporter for a long time, and you were always the first person I'd come to when I had something to say. You'll always be a sister to me.
-Spence
Ethan,
I loved you for a long time after we broke up. When you left the FBI academy without so much as a verbal goodbye, it hurt, but I could never hate you. I loved reconnecting in New Orleans, thank you for recognizing I was struggling when a team full of profilers couldn't. Please know this wasn’t your fault, I feel like you always knew this is how I’d end up eventually, I know you always noticed when I wasn't doing the best during College. Thank you for all the good memories, Ethan.
-Your friend, Spencer Reid
Penelope,
You’re going to be so upset with me, I know, you’ll be mad that I didn’t tell you, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t put that on you. You're too bright and bubbly to be brought down by all of my trauma and terrible coping mechanisms. You're probably thinking something like “Spencer you’re so stupid why’d you do that?” and honestly, I don’t know, Pen. Don’t mourn me for too long and make sure the team stays strong throughout this time. Put a glitter bomb in Hotch’s desk if you have to. I love you, and you’ll always be one of my best friends, I'm sorry I didn't tell you that enough. I'm so proud of what the BAU has brought out in you, your dark hacker identity was no match for the sparkly energy that resides in you. Keep an eye on Derek for me, please. Don't let him isolate, don't let him overwork himself, don't let this destroy him.
-Your boy genius,
Spencer
The Chess Forum,
Hi! This is probably very unexpected, and I’m sorry I had to do this. Chess has been a big part of my life for a long time, and this forum has brought light back into my life. I tried to hold on for as long as I could, but I just can’t anymore, there are so many things I wish I could’ve told you. Please don’t be mad or upset, don't grieve me too long, and don't let this stop you from achieving greatness. I’m genuinely sorry, I’ve been struggling for longer than you guys have known me. This chess forum was the first community I actually felt a part of, you’re all such amazing people and I hope this community is active for a long time. You all have helped me so much, and you all helped me stay for a little longer. I love you all, you brought me so much joy and happiness. Try to play chess with me through prayer or something so I’m not bored up there. I made some real friends here, and I want you to remember that every single one of you had an impact in my life in some way, shape, or form.
-Chess enthusiast,
Spencer Reid/User S.Plays.Chess
Hotch,
I always felt like you thought of me as your son, you were definitely more of a father figure to me than my own biological father. Take time off, spend time with Jack, teach him the science experiments you always caught me doing in the bullpen. Thank you for keeping me on the team when I really should've been fired. I know you're the one who originally slid the address for Beltway Clean Cops into my messenger bag, that meant a lot to me when I was in my darkest moments. Did you know up to 40% of addicts kill themselves with their substance of choice? That will not be me. I know my sobriety does not matter if I'm dead, but it's still too important to fuck it up now. Thank you for always believing in me.
-Spencer Reid
Emily,
I think you're the only member on the team who truly noticed my addiction while I was actively using, thank you for that. I was such a (for lack of a better word) bitch to you back then, and I didn't deserve your forgiveness, I still don't believe that I do. Thank you for noticing, thank you for continuing to be my friend. I hope one day you'll find a woman who makes you incredibly happy, you deserve it. I know you're going to continue to do great things in the BAU. Don't let my death affect your goals, keep on going, keep on placing bets with Derek, keep on living for me.
-Spencer Reid
Rossi,
I think you figured out more about me in the first week of you working at the BAU, than half the team did in my years working there before. When we first met, I acted like a crazy fan, you just let it happen, and I thank you for that. You had more of an impact on my life than Gideon ever did, and I’ll forever be grateful for the things I learned from you. Don’t drown yourself in alcohol and cigars, talk to someone.
-Spencer Reid
Elle,
Hopefully someone will be able to get this note to you, if they don't then that'll be unfortunate. I was very upset when you left, but shortly after I think I gained understanding. I was kidnapped and turned into a drug addict. I got clean with no help from the team, I think that's when I started understanding you leaving. It's hard to go through trauma when everyone you love either ignores it or acts like they're the reason for it. I miss you so much, I hope you're doing great things wherever you ended up.
-Your friend, Spencer Reid
Jason Gideon,
I do not know if you'll ever get this. You knew I was high out of my mind, yet still let me go into the field and carry a gun. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for not helping me with my addiction before it got bad. I forgive you for leaving, but I wish you would've done it differently… Though I suppose I am doing the exact same thing by leaving everyone I love a note to find after I eventually die, but in my defense they'd think it was accidental if I didn't leave suicide notes. So I think I got a pass. Maybe I can find more forgiveness in the afterlife.
-Your Mentee, Spencer Walter Reid
Spencer read through them once, twice, and a third time. He wanted to make sure they were perfect. Once he confirmed there was nothing to update, he put them back in his desk drawer. He left the key inside the lock knowing when Derek had to search his apartment after his death, his eyes would be drawn straight to the anomaly.