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You would think that after being nominated the King Douchebag, being discovered as the Dragonborn and farting on someone else's balls, the New Kid would enjoy having a- very deserved- rest. A time out from adventures.
But it seems like there is no such thing as resting in South Park, at least not for them. As soon as they knew it, the New Kid was already being invited to the girls’ sleepover next weekend. Even though the acceptance letter for the girls never came, denying wasn’t an option as well. The New Kid knew it.
Damn it.
They were very uninterested in attending, sure, but of course Eric Cartman out of all people had a say in that- when did he not?
Ever since the boy found out about the “girl’s exception”, the word started to spread like wildfire. Like a hot goss flashing in the head of very impressionable children.
Soon enough, all the boys knew that the New Kid had been invited to the oh-so-dreadful Bebe’s slumber party. Now that was just great.
It didn’t shock them to hear they were plotting something. Something the New Kid was far too uninterested to understand the reason for- but they had a gut feeling they’d find out sooner or later.
It wasn’t uncommon for the New Kid to attempt to eat their lunch alone, even if they knew it was almost an impossible quest. Every time they tried to grab their things and sit as far away as possible, people would just follow them.
Like a pack of dogs around a fresh piece of meat. And even if the flesh went bad, the flies would follow it around. It was inevitable, but they still tried- even going as far as trying to eat in the bathroom.
Still, people always found their way to them. Almost like a cloud of haze they couldn’t avoid being tormented by.
It’s not like the New Kid hated everyone. They just really enjoyed being alone with their own silence; is that so bad?
Though today, the New Kid didn’t even try to avoid the people around them. They knew it was going to happen- they’d already heard people chatting about the party; there was nothing they could do.
It’d be better if they just waited and played along. Maybe the girls would get skeptical about the New Kid agreeing to the boys’ plan and ban them from the sleepover forever. Best case scenario, honestly.
The New Kid grabbed their regular Thursday lunch and walked straight to the cafeteria, nonchalantly with their sight clear, ready for the enemies they would come across with. Better safe than sorry- they’re a goddamn King, for Christ’s sakes!
When they noticed, Cartman was already calling them over to sit with the other boys. They simply carried their lunch tray in the direction of the boys’ table and sat beside one of the kids who were already there, apparently thrilled to be next to them.
“Oh, hey, New Kid!” he shouted, pretending to be surprised that they sat there. Eric’s chubby cheeks lifted into a smile that, at this point, the New Kid could already spot through it. “How long has it been since you sat here with us willingly? It must be, what, three weeks? Ehh! Who’s counting, right?”
“Hiya there, New Kid!” Butters said as he was sat by Cartman’s side, seemingly just as excited- though a little more genuine- than the other. “Oh boy! You sure were missed a lot between us fellas here!”
As usual, the New Kid was unamused, maintaining their usual ‘I just farted’ face. They weren’t really hungry, so the boys’ attempts to sweet-talk them would keep them entertained enough for the rest of recess.
After swallowing his food, Stan turned his gaze to the New Kid. “So, New Kid! How’s it been?” Silence fell between them; clearly the boy didn’t really know how to continue the small talk, but that wouldn’t stop him from trying. “Are you adapting well here in South Park?”
Kyle gave a small chuckle, covering his mouth with his hand. “Don’t worry, New Kid, you’ll get used to it. Eventually.” He said, and the New Kid couldn’t tell if this was Kyle’s way of being optimistic.
They hoped it wasn’t ‘cause he pretty much sucked at it.
“Just know we’re here for you, you know? Even though there’s a lot of lardasses in this town-” he stopped to shoot a glare at Eric, who pretended not to see it “-there’s, actually, a lot of people here who care about you!”
That seemed flattering enough, they supposed.
The New Kid sure appreciated that, even though they just looked at the boys with extreme eye contact. That was their way of saying they were paying attention- somehow, they all understood it.
“E-e-exactly, New Kid! Y-you see, there will a-always be a place for you to sit with us. You are a-a-always welcome!” Jimmy said, flashing his braces with a bright smile, as the boys around the table mimicked each other with “exactly” and similar words.
The New Kid didn’t exactly really know how to react. Well, supposedly, they would do the same as always- but they didn’t know what it meant on the inside.
It could be a way to guilt-trip them into doing whatever they wanted, but it all seemed too… real, in a way. They wanted to believe. They really, really wanted to.
“Ok, fags-” and the moment was gone. Thanks, Cartman. “We still have to tell something very important to the New Kid. We all meet at the basement as soon as class is dismissed, got it?” he said, pointing at them with a serious face.
The New Kid started getting a little bit interested in whatever they were scheming. Maybe that was just an Eric Cartman type of power, they guessed.
As soon as everyone agreed, the boys all started talking about something else- something that didn’t seem as captivating as their other plots. As for that, the New Kid just sat there and listened to their friends talk about various topics throughout recess.
They silently ate their lunch while trying to ignore the girls’ stares burning holes in the back of their neck.
Oh yeah, bad news for the boys here. At this point, they should’ve already been banned from four different girls’ houses. Not that it actually mattered, though. Maybe a bad reputation to their name would do the trick.
Once the recess bell rang, their friends all moved along to class, joining just as Mr. Garrison started writing something on the chalkboard. For the New Kid’s bad luck, they felt a subtle touch on their shoulder, immediately turning their head toward a group of five girls from their class.
The girls didn’t seem mad like they expected, so they simply tilted their head politely.
“Hey, New Kid…” Wendy started, her hands intertwined in front of her torso. Was this bad news or not? Hard to tell with so many mixed signals. “Can we talk for a moment?”
The New Kid stayed still, staring at the group as they slowly stepped back, receiving their silence as a “yes.” They blinked once or twice before following the girls toward a quieter corner near the lockers.
Heidi leaned on one of the locker doors. “We know the boys are going to use you to get something out of us,” she said straight to the point.
“Yeah! And we know that you probably won’t tell on them, too,” Wendy completed the thought. All the girls nodded, looking directly at the New Kid, who still had that unamused expression on their face.
“But we also know that you won’t tell on us, either. That’s why we’re allowing you to come to the sleepover this Saturday,” Bebe announced, smirking with her arms crossed. “Consider it a test of character, we’ll say. If you steal whatever it is they want from us and give it to the boys, we’ll know.” Her tone was passive-aggressive.
“And trust me-” the black-haired girl furrowed her brows, leaning into the New Kid’s personal space “-you don’t wanna know what happens to two-faced traitors like that skank Kelly Pinkerton-Tinfurter. Got that?”
Her glare made the New Kid feel like she was 6’ tall and the other girls did nothing to soften the moment as they all nodded. Their eyes were overflooding with many tricks that could instantly kill their social life if they wanted to (and even if they liked being left alone, no one wants to be the same as Kip Drordy).
The New Kid didn’t seem as fazed as they should be- their eyes had wandered toward a water fountain instead. Still, the message was received, as Wendy nodded and muttered a short ‘good.’
It didn’t take long for the New Kid to follow them back to the classroom. They were met with pairs of confused glares from the male students, who were left unaware of the girls plus New Kid meeting.
Mr. Garrison was understandably confused about why so many kids arrived late, to which they all replied that they had ‘girl issues’ or ‘girl emergencies’. He immediately let the girls go, but he didn’t let the New Kid go unnoticed.
“Wait a minute…” Mr. Garrison began thinking out loud. That was not going to end well. “New Kid! You’re not a girl! How come you were with them and their ‘girl issues’? Are you lying by chance?”
The New Kid’s unbothered look wasn’t enough to convince him, so he sent them directly to the principal’s office.
And just as stoically as they came, they went, walking through the hallways, their eyes curiously following the metallic gold locker locks for some reason.
There wasn’t much talk between them and Principal Victoria; she just excused them from class if they did a small favor for her.
As always. Nothing their hall pass couldn’t solve.
Side-quests aside, the bell finally rang, echoing through the hallways and freeing the students to go home. The New Kid received a few farewells as everyone rushed toward the large front doors, waiting for their parents or heading to the bus stop. They waited until one of the boys showed up, whispering for them to follow him back into the school.
As they returned inside, they saw a cluster of boys heading toward the basement. The New Kid went down a few flights of stairs until they reached the meeting- completely unprepared for what awaited them.
Upon arrival, they saw that the boys had an entire board with a plan drawn out and a PowerPoint presentation ready, plus a few snacks on a very dusty- and creaky- desk.
“Alright, New Kid. Take a seat, please,” Cartman said, now wearing a neat jacket and tie, probably to appear more serious.
They sat on the chair labeled ‘New Kid’ on a piece of paper written in doodly handwriting. He cleared his throat, preparing for his lecture. Everyone in the room was paying attention as if their lives were on the line. Where was all this fierce curiosity a few hours ago?!
The projector illuminated the wall, showing the title of their ‘genius master plan,’ with the names of almost all the boys credited underneath it. The New Kid just prayed their own name wasn’t there, if anything good has ever been real.
Cartman slapped the wall, his hair slicked back.
“THE HEIST OF 2015,” he declared. The boys leaned forward eagerly as he switched to the next slide. “We all know the girls are in possession of one of the RAREST items anyone could ever own…”
The next slide was revealed: a very, very low-quality picture of Red’s backpack. The New Kid couldn’t decipher what that meant for their life until Eric “enhanced” it (by showing a picture from the Internet) to reveal what the girl was hiding.
“The exclusive limited-edition Terrance and Phillip sticker sheet…” Clyde said, awestruck. All the boys sighed as if witnessing a miracle, some almost clapping. The stickers were extremely fancy, even having a second layer of sparkle and texture to it.
“WE NEED IT!” “IT’S OURS!” “IT BELONGS TO US!” some kids yelled with a mix of excitement and rage. Eric quickly shushed them.
“Calm down, you morons. We need to explain the plan for our weapon…” He smirked, eyes locking on the New Kid.
They stayed still as he switched to the next slide.
“Bebe’s having a sleepover next weekend. Only ‘girls allowed’, as usual. But I overheard Annie telling Nichole that she was excited to order pizza and was wondering what the New Kid’s favorite flavor was…”
He pointed at the New Kid mischievously.
They glanced around; some boys looked shocked, others disgusted, and many… jealous, for some reason. Cartman clapped his hands to regain attention, licking his lips.
“So the New Kid was invited… despite being a boy himself.” He touched his fingertips together, frowning thoughtfully. “Which leads us to many questions, but beyond that-” Eric interrupted himself, “-Butters, you may take the floor…”
Butters stumbled through his own words. “Yeah! So, we know that Nelly is friends with Bebe, whi-which gets her invited to the party. But she’s also friends with Esther, who doesn’t like Bebe. So Esther’s not invited because she trashtalked Bebe once, which makes almost all of Esther’s friends uninvited. B-but Esther is two-faced with Sally Turner, who’s friends with Nelly, who’s friends with Red, who wouldn’t be invited be-because she’s havin’ beef with Bebe over who gets more boys to like her, but- to make Esther jelly- Bebe invited everyone who’s friends with Sally. Forecasting, Red’s gon’ be at the party for sure!”
“Exactly. We had Butters say it because there's nothing gayer than knowing the girls' drama,” Cartman said, shoving him aside. “Very well, so Red’s going to be at the party and will probably show the sticker sheet to the girls.”
And finally, he showed the last slide.
It was utterly ugly, with terrible design choices, but attempted to display the ultimate plan using pictures and drawings — the most noticeable being the New Kid’s passport photo slapped right in the center.
“The New Kid will go to the sleepover pretending to be friends with the girls, but obviously he’ll be on our side.” Cartman said, showing some of the graphic decoys he made on the PowerPoint. “We know it’ll be hard, but New Kid, you HAVE to pretend to be interested. No matter what they put you through, you will accept.”
He stopped to look fiercely at the New Kid as the boys started to mutter in small crowds. They were all questioning the New Kid's abilities to pretend interest in the girl’s conversations, but hell, they're here isn’t they?
“But what if one of the girls makes him kiss one of them? Will he have to roll with it, fatass?” Kyle asks, trying to insult Cartman's so-called bulletproof plan.
He looked stony-faced as he glared at Kyle. “Yes.”
The boys gasped, looking at one another, frowning.
It was surely a sensitive topic for them, and the New Kid did not want to be anywhere near it. But of course they had to be, because how could they escape in the middle of a haze about themself?
“No no! New Kid! You're not kissing Wendy!” Stan cried out, lifting from his chair to glaze upon the New Kid. Unbothered, as usual.
Clyde stood from his seat too. “Or Bebe! She's my girl, you know?! Back off!”
As soon as they knew, all the boys were trying to pick a girl that was a “no-no” for the New Kid to kiss, which, honestly? They could not care less. And Eric Cartman seemed to give even less fucks about it, just annoyed that the subject had moved on to something so futile.
“Ok, ok! Stop it!” Eric yelled, regaining everyone’s attention. “The New Kid won't kiss anyone because the girls will be far too invested in the stickers! Goddammit, do you guys ever pay attention? Hell, it’s like… no one cares about the important stuff here.”
“S-sorry, Eric, gee… but us boys are really protective over our ladies, and we don’t want no kendoll to steal our gals, you know what I’m sayin’?” Butters explained the boys’ interest on that matter, but it only seemed to piss off Cartman more, who only took a deep breath and murmured a small ‘goddammit Butters’.
“Ok, moving on… New Kid, you will steal the sticker sheet very sneakily, got it?” He stared straight in the New Kid's eyes, untroubled. “As soon as you get it, pretend NOTHING happened. Then, I’ll call in as your mom and request you to leave early.”
The New Kid glanced around, everyone was looking at them. Damn.
Cartman whispered a small ‘great’ and dismissed the boys to their houses, which one after another lifted from their chairs and went up the stairs, leaving only the New Kid and a few others alone.
While scraping for some chips on the rusty table, the New Kid managed to eavesdrop the other kids' conversations. They nipped on some cold french fries as they heard Cartman putting away the projector.
Kyle stepped closer to him. The New Kid couldn’t care less, but they kept listening anyway.
“You know your plan won’t go through, right?” He said, frowning. Cartman copied the other boy’s expression, as the rest of the boys who were left in the room cluttered a little. “He’ll get caught, there’s NO WAY the girls aren’t onto you.”
Cartman sighed, “Jeez, won't you unclench your vagina for two seconds? Maybe it wouldn’t be so filled with sand if you just relaxed for a bit.” he said, Kyle’s fist just missing a thread to knock his teeth in. “Damn Kyle, that vein in your forehead might pop if you keep clenching it, are you sure you're not up to getting this sand removed?”
“Forget I ever even said anything. This is a stupid plan.” Kyle brushed it off. The New Kid lowkey agreed.
Still biting on some chips, the New Kid overheard everything from a seat afar.
“C’mon, Kyle.” Stan started, and the New Kid could feel Kyle’s eyeroll from a mile away. “This is the most harmless scheme Cartman's ever plotted. It wouldn't hurt so bad to just see where this is going.”
Kyle huffed, “I guess. But what about the New Kid? How are we going to make sure he can make the girls think he likes them?”
All the eyes turned on them as they munched on a potato chip. Of course.
“Yeah, no offense, dude, but you're not very skilled with girls. Or people in general.” Stan managed to offense-lessly deliver the statement as the New Kid deadpanned him.
“Not so sure ‘bout that!” Butters stepped in. “‘Member when he dressed like a girl to help them with somethin’? Well, the New Kid pretty sure nailed it! He looked as pretty as a darn poppy, that's for sure.”
Cartman stayed silent for a few seconds, rubbing his chin. He then exclaimed: “Yes! Butters, that's it!” All the heads followed his voice as he grouped in. “New Kid, you're having a Girl 101 class tomorrow! There is no way that, with our techniques, you’ll scare the chicks away! That's going to be perfect!”
The dudes quietly observed Cartman. No one said a word.
“Uhh, Cartman. How are we going to teach him something we ourselves don’t know?” Stan said what the other boys were probably thinking.
Cartman scoffed, “Well, don't you have a sister, Marsh?”
“Yeah, but if we’re not teaching him how to throw a fist, I guess my knowledge will be as good as the next guy’s!” He then completed, crossing his arms.
“Guess we’ll just have him spend an evening with Butters and hope for the best…” Kyle said, slightly nudging Stan.
The New Kid stared, unamused. “Aren’t you all ready to risk everything for the plan?! God!” Cartman combed his hair with his hand, palming the wall abruptly. “It’s fine. I got this. New Kid! Tomorrow, Girl 101. Don’t miss it. I’m willing to give my life in for this so don’t fucking miss it! Got it?”
They didn't respond. There was nothing to respond.
Cartman just said a small ‘good’ and climbed up the stairs.
“So uh… yeah, good luck tomorrow, man.” it was all Stan said. Yeah.
They were definitely going to need it. Bad.
By the time the next day’s rise came, the New Kid was pretty sure that there was no way this could ever get any worse.
But they were wrong. It could. It did, in fact, get worse.
So there was Eric Cartman, thinking he was very sly by any chance calling the New Kid to the playground’s more underhanded area. Just a few breaker panels hiding a more secretive place where most people went to do something they really didn't want to know.
They, reluctantly, followed him, finding themself in a cluster of boys with backpacks full of mysterious items.
Somehow, the fact that Butters was holding a makeup palette with a big smile plastered on his face wasn't the weirdest part of all that scene. If the New Kid had to guess, it would definitely be Stan grabbing a piece of clothing like it was the most God forsaken thing on Earth.
“C’mon, dude, let’s get this over with,” he said. Stan clearly was not the only one who did not want to be there, but Cartman just never did take a no for an answer.
He snorted. “Chill, macho man, your balls won't drop from holding a girl’s crop top once. Here, New Kid, we got you stuff that you’ll probably have to face tomorrow.”
They were very confused, even if their face didn't exactly communicate that. The New Kid just stood there, unbothered.
Cartman shot his stare at the blond kid, lowering his voice. “Did you read the script, Butters? It's very important, I did not waste my time on research in vain.”
“I did! Oh geez, I sure hope I don’t get out of character or somethin'.” Butters said, rubbing his knuckles white.
“New Kid, remember, you don’t have to go through this.” the redhead reassured them.
“Brush it off, Kyle. I already got Shelly’s clothes for this. Not putting my life on the line for nothing.” Stan said, giving Kyle a face.
He grimaced and crossed his arms. “Whatever.”
“Scene one!” Cartman yelled. “Ok, so here, New Kid, you’ll face something very common. Let's see how you react.”
Butters came running with the makeup palette in his hands, seemingly sobbing. “Oh no! Girlfriend, help, I can't do makeup for the life of me! Please, girl, help.”
The New Kid glared as they were given the makeup on their hands.
“You'll have three minutes to give Butters a makeover or he'll scream at you.” Cartman said, timing on a stopwatch. “Go!”
So this was stupid.
The New Kid did their best on not applying too much blush and really tried not to go overboard with the shadow, but really, at the limit line, Butters was not looking like a pretty princess.
“Okay… New Kid, you, uh… well, that's definitely a makeup if I’ve ever seen one.” Cartman really attempted at not giving away how messed up the combo of contouring and eyeliner turned out but, as the New Kid, he didn't do a good job at it.
Butters was smiling wide, unaware at the monstrosity his face had become. “How do I look?”
It did not look good.
“New Kid! Go on, now you have to hype him up!” Cartman tried to instruct them.
The New Kid deadpanned.
“Do I look pretty?” Yeah, pretty much the opposite of that. The New Kid did nothing to soothe the silence, all the boys avoiding eye contact with Butters.
“Ok, we can go to the next part. Go, Butters!”
“Girlfriend, girlfriend! Help, I can’t find anythin’ to wear! I’ll get to my date with Jacob and he’ll see me wearin’ these rags and he’ll blow me off! Girlfriend, help!” Butters seemed to be the only one truly invested in the Girl 101 class, since he was giving everything to make it realistic.
“Now, New Kid, Stan will give you these clothes and you’ll have to get the ones that most match with… his eyes? I don't know. Just go!” Cartman announced, timing again.
Stan stood there and held the clothes up so the New Kid could see them. “Here we have… uh, this dress. It's pink. It's girly.” He said, not being as participative as Butters. Not that he ever stood a chance.
The New Kid gave a look at the clothes and searched for the best looking one. They were clearly a few sizes too big for Butters, but that didn't stop them from picking a white crop top, that on him would look like a tank top, and a long cat stamped skirt. They gave them to Butters and he got dressed.
The New Kid clearly did not please anyone with these choices, since everyone stayed dead silent.
“Oh, wow, New Kid, you're going to be a crappy girl.” Cartman said.
“What? Does it look too bad?” Butters asked, turning around on clothes that would definitely get him blown off by Jacob. “Well, it may look bad on me ‘cause I’m no girl. Maybe if he did on a real one?”
He shook his head. “No, Butters, believe me, there's no way this would ever pop off on a girl. You were the closest option, anyway.”
“Aw, poo…”
“Okay… New Kid, there is one last thing you have to learn before the day arrives…” Cartman began, he started tapping his fingers with each other. “Girls are… moody. They can change their minds in seconds, as for that they have to thank their periods. Do you know what a period is, New Kid?”
“Oh, please.” Kyle begged. The New Kid glared stoically at both.
“That's when blood comes out of a girl's butthole. Yes, very gross. But, this makes them very unpredictable and a serious danger.” Cartman continued. “They could kill you, New Kid. You have to be smart on how to handle these types of situations or else you could end up dead.”
Butters looked as if he truly believed it. Kyle seemed like his eyes would pop out from so much rolling them and Stan facepalmed.
“Now, we’re showing you examples of how this mood swing could be very lethal. Behold.” Cartman gave Butters the lead, and he scratched his throat.
“I'm ugly! Nobody likes me!” He cried out, sobbing, holding on the New Kid. They really didn't know what else to do but to look at him. “Girlfriend, please help me plot the murder of Wendy!”
“Hold on, what the fuck, Cartman?” Stan furrowed his brows. “That's fucked up! Girls don’t want to murder Wendy!”
“Uh, yeah they do.” He simply said. “That ugly bitch has it coming.”
“Don’t call Wendy ugly!”
“Please.” Cartman scoffed. “As if all girls aren't.”
Kyle huffed at him. “God, Cartman, I can’t tell if you're just being sexist or if you're just a gaywad.”
“Ok, so Butters’ in drag and I’m the gay one?”
The New Kid realised this was the most normal things would get from now on. There wasn't much escape.
“Fellas, I think we're almost out of recess time and I still have this goo on my face…” the blond said timidly.
“Just admit, Kyle, you want my plan to fail! You want the sticker sheet all to yourself, don't you, you sneaky little jewrat?”
Kyle grabbed on Cartman’s shirt. “Fuck you, you antisemitic piece of shit!”
“Dudes, don’t fight… people are crowding.” Stan tried to separate the boys, but they were deep into the argument. People were really starting to come up to check on the hassle, and things weren’t looking too good.
“I’m gonna knock your teeth in!” Kyle shook Cartman by the collar as he had that shit-eating grin on his face.
He cackled. “Try me!”
“What’s happening? Is Cartman getting beat up? Can I help?” the voice of a darkhaired girl came out from the back. Wendy stood there as Kyle was ready to wreck Cartman's ass, and the New Kid stayed still as if they were just caught in the middle. “New Kid? What's happening? Why is Butters dressed like this-”
Somehow, God did, in fact, exist, because the bell rang loudly, disrupting the fight and making the students who were already chanting ‘FIGHT’ roar in disapproval. The New Kid thanked for that, even though seeing Cartman getting beat up would definitely raise their mood.
“Forget it, you're not worth it.” The redhead said, getting distance as he stomped furiously, leaving his footprints all over the playground.
“Jeez, he clearly has some sand stuck in his vagina.” Cartman said, brushing his shoulders from dust and snow.
Stan sighed. “Knock it off, Cartman.”
“Fellas… I still have this goo on my face. What do I do?” Butters said but nobody seemed to care enough. All the kids went straight to the school hallways, missing the thrill of a possible fight. “Fellas?”
The New Kid just went ahead and followed the group, joining everyone in class.
Today was not going to be an easy day, that's for sure. They knew it as soon as they felt a slight tap on their shoulder (again, twice in a row).
“Hey, New Kid, can we talk for a sec?” Wendy called them to the corner, and, without a word, they followed her.
Both went to a corner near the classrooms where most children didn't usually go. Wendy cleared her throat and twirled her bangs as the New Kid stared, unamused.
“Look, New Kid… I've seen you're getting along with the boys pretty well and, I’d like you to know that… it's okay if you go with their plan. It clearly means a lot to them and you need your space in a group.” She said, pouting a little. “I know it can be hard being the only boy being invited to the girls' party, and don't take it as an insult, but… I don't even see you as a boy, y’know?” Wendy looked at them with her eyes screaming sincerity.
The New Kid stared. Slightly pleased.
“Anyway, I know this is stupid, but I’d really like to be your friend. You're… really chill for a guy. That kinda freaks me out, but you're… cool to be with it.”
Wendy smiled, genuinely. The New Kid almost forced a curl on their lips.
“We better get going, I don’t want Mr. Garrison on our case again. See you around!” She said her farewell and walked to the class.
Maybe things at the sleepover won't be so bad, they thought to themself. If girls were more like Wendy, they could definitely go the whole evening without rushing the plan.
Oh yeah, they had to do the plan. Alas, the girl’s loyalty wasn't as good as peace from the boys, for once. Even though he was fun sometimes, still, Eric Cartman is better off as a friend than an enemy, and jeopardizing his schemes was an easy way to his death note.
As quickly the day went, the night came, and soon enough everyone slept through the morning birds.
It was finally the day.
The New Kid brushed their teeth with precaution, spitting the foam on the sink. They left the bathroom and went down the stairs to find their Mom ready with their bags, ready for the sleepover.
“Oh, pumpkin, don’t forget to eat!” She said, calling them to the living room table. They sat and slowly ate their grub, as their mom smiled, gently.
Their Dad came to the scene and hugged them tightly. “Okay, champ, remember: you're going to a girl’s party. They can be very-”
“Shush! They don't need this type of lecture from their dad. They know how to respect women, and women will surely respect them.” Mom said, scolding their Dad.
“...Sure. Just, be careful, okay, champ?” He said.
They didn't say a word. Their parents understood.
“Good. Now go and have fun!” He patted their head and slapped their back, and the New Kid was off to Bebe Stevens house.
The walk was pretty chill. No nazi zombies to fight this time, gladly. As they strolled, their boots sank into the snow, forming holes on the ground. The New Kid ever so slightly kicked some packed up snow on the way, clenching their mittens as they wondered how things would play.
Arriving at the Stevens, as soon as they went for the doorbell, they heard a small hush on the bush.
They really, truly wanted to ignore it, but each second that passed, the hush grew a considerable amount. The New Kid did not want to get busted, especially not in front of the target’s house.
Slowly, they walked toward the noise and leaned in, spotting Cartman in full camo outfit, with binoculars and snacks. Some other boys were more afar, and not so deep in the plan as Cartman.
Okay, maybe Clyde was wearing face paint but the New Kid decided to ignore that.
“Hey, New Kid.” Cartman called for them. “We’ll be here watching. Don’t worry, you’ll be safe.” He assured them, even though they didn't think they were going through any danger. At least any significant danger.
Cartman handed them a walkie-talkie and got to work, putting the binoculars on his eyes and spotting through Bebe’s room.
“There, now you’ll have a way to communicate with us if anything goes wrong. Remember, get the stickers and give me a sign! Like…”
“Make the sound of a dying giraffe.” Stan said, and Cartman nodded. “Like this-”
He then proceeded to imitate a dying giraffe. The New Kid was sure they could not make this sound.
“Yeah, now go in there or you’ll be late! Chicks hate when you're late!”
Finally, they stepped off and went to Bebe’s front door. The New Kid knocked on the door and soon enough her parents showed up.
“Oh, another girl has arrived! Welcome, darling!” Mrs. Stevens greeted the New Kid, receiving them inside.
Bebe’s Dad stood on the corner, his pecks were massive and he seemed like he could tear you to shreds. “Listen here, kiddo, no boys allowed here, so if i catch you with a boy-”
“Dad!” The blonde called out, climbing up the stairs with rush. “Don’t scare the New Kid like this! He… She’ll freak out!”
The New Kid deadpanned and walked toward Bebe. “Alright, alright… but be careful.” Mr. Stevens said, crossing his thick biceps. Damn, he was huge. They gulped.
This was not going to end well.
“Come here, New Kid, we were about to start painting our nails!” They followed her down the stairs where all the other girls were in their pajamas, gossiping and playing with nail polish. “Hey, girls, look who’s here!”
“New Kid, hey!” Nichole said, laid with her stomach down and legs up in the air. “Do you want to paint your nails?”
This was not in the Girls 101 class they had, but as Cartman said they should, they went with it.
They sat near the girls who were on the ground and looked at the stuff they had. Teen magazines, makeup palettes, lipglosses and a plate of cold cuts on the side. The New Kid just stared at them, putting their hands on Red’s knee as she was the one doing the paintings.
“Hi! Welcome to our Salon, New Kid! Would you like a manicure?” She cleared her sight from her messy red hair, tucking a strand behind her ear. “We have pink, black and green as options here… Which one would you like?”
“Oh, wow. I think the New Kid would look great with green nail polish, especially this one!” Wendy said, moving near them. “I think pink wouldn't match him, and black’s too emo right now.”
Heidi sighed. “Yeah, true!” She blew her nails with her head on the ground. “Like, why did emos and goths ruin the color black? Why now just because you wear black it means you're depressed or something?” She continued on her rant, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, true.” Annie nodded her head. “Why are we ruining colors all of the sudden?”
Red stuck her tongue out as she started painting the New Kid’s nails. The shade of green reminded them of moss, which was surely a delightful choice. Even if their nails were short, that didn't stop Red from making the most of it, almost never missing a spot.
“Yeah, speaking of ruining colors… guess who wore bubblegum pink shorts to gym class?” Bebe started, scoffing. The girls all started cooing, asking ‘who?’ and ‘don’t tell me…’s. “Esther!”
“She did not-” Nichole stopped mid sentence.
Wendy furrowed her brows. “Oh my God, is she out of her mind?”
“Like, I saw her and went like, ‘no way she's wearing my favorite color, in shorts, to gym’... I mean, ugh, why can’t she just talk to me?” The curly blonde pleaded, throwing her head back.
The New Kid was pretty out of the gossip, all they could pay attention to was their nails. They sure looked… cute, in a way. Not their style, but surely cool enough.
“Wow, New Kid, this looks awesome! This color truly pops off your skin color.” Red said, closing the flask of polish.
Wendy stuck her head in the middle of them, gathering the other girls too. “Let me see!” She exclaimed. “Oh, wow! This is really your color!”
“Y’know what I’m thinking?” The girls all looked at Annie as she clapped her hands. “We should play truth or dare!”
‘True’, ‘yes’ and ‘now please!’ were heard from the girls, and the New Kid stood there, staring unaffected at them.
“Oh God, the New Kid must know all the gossip from the boys. Maybe he’ll tell us who they all like!” Heidi said, excited.
This was not exactly great. Still, they remained seemingly unbothered.
“Okay, okay, group up, girls!” Bebe said and they all sat in a circle, giggling. “Okay, so… Heidi! Truth or dare?”
“Me? Oh, well, truth then!”
Bebe rubbed her chin, mischievously. “Let’s see… which one of the boys you think is the cutest?”
“What? Not fair! Already?” All the girls paid extreme attention to the conversation that was following. The New Kid glared, nipping at some cold cuts. “Well, if I had to pick one of the boys in class, I’d choose…”
“Hurry up!” Wendy exclaimed.
“Sorry! It’s just kinda hard, most of the boys in class are kinda gross.” She said, laughing. Most girls agreed and the New Kid couldn’t be more on their side. “Well, I’d say Kyle’s the cutest one! But he gets too involved with Cartman, seems a bit unstable… so I wouldn’t pick him as my boyfriend or anything.”
“Don’t worry, we’re not asking who you would marry… It’s just to see who’s the cutest!” Annie said, sparkles glistering out her eyes. “But ‘who would you marry’ is a great question!”
“True!” The hazel haired came to her conclusion. “Ok, my final choice is… uh, I guess Kyle will do it. Yeah! Okay, Wendy, truth or dare?”
Wendy snickered. “I’m picking dare!”
Everyone ‘uu’-ed her.
“Bet! I dare you to…” Heidi pretended to think, but she already had a question waiting for her. “Kiss someone, right now!”
Oh no. Dying giraffe. Dying giraffe.
“What?” She frowned. “But there’s only one boy here, that’s not fair!” Wendy clearly flushed, hiding behind her long black hair locks. “Besides, I already have a boy I like, so that would be like cheating. And I’m not a cheater!”
“Ugh, you’re such a goody-two-shoes, Wendy! No fun!” Red teased her, crossing her arms. “So you’ll have to double dare on Monday!”
“Double dare? Well, what would it be?”
Nichole furrowed her brows, plotting a plan. “It means you’ll have to kiss the boy you like on Monday AND tell him you love him!”
“Fine!” She settled. “I accept the dare!”
The rest of the game went similarly to what had already happened. Silly questions and dares were being asked to all the girls, until they had no choice but to do the thing the New Kid dreaded the most.
“New Kid!” Bebe shouted. “Truth. Or. Dare.”
They had to make a choice. One that would impact the lives of many, including theirs.
“You gotta pick one, New Kid! Don’t chicken out!” Nichole said bubbly.
“Yeah!” Wendy said, excited. A thread of ‘go’ ‘pick one’ and ‘this is gonna be so good’ followed them.
So this was it. Their choice.
“...” The New Kid said, stolid.
“Oh my god!” it was all the girls said.
The New Kid could hear from the distance that same sound Stan made earlier. Were they listening to the whole thing?
It surely made sense for the boys to get nervous since now the girls had the power to make the New Kid do whatever they wanted. Too much power.
“I dare you to…” Bebe searched around, all the girls eager to find out what she was going to ask. This was dangerous, and they kinda liked the adrenaline it gave them. “Go through Red’s backpack and pick out the most embarrassing thing inside!”
The New Kid blinked once. Well, isn’t that just convenient.
Red froze for a split second, her smile twitching like someone had just unplugged her brain and plugged it back in again. “M-my backpack?” she repeated.
“Yeah!” Bebe said cheerfully, leaning forward on her hands. “You carry that thing everywhere. There’s gotta be something weird in there.”
Nichole giggled. “Like a diary or something!”
“Or secret love letters!” Annie added.
Red’s face immediately flushed bright red- an unfortunate feature considering her name.
“I don’t have love letters!” she snapped defensively.
The girls all ‘uu’-ed in unison.
The New Kid slowly turned their head toward the backpack sitting near the couch. Red scrambled across the floor toward it. “Wait! Hold on! There’s nothing embarrassing in there!”
“Then it’s not a problem,” Wendy said calmly, clearly enjoying the situation far too much.
Bebe leaned closer to the New Kid. “Well?” she said with a grin. “You accepted the dare.” All the girls stared as the New Kid stood there.
Red hovered nearby like a drone. “Okay but just- don’t pull out, like… random stuff- ”
The zipper opened and the girls leaned forward. First item: a crumpled math worksheet. The girls groaned. “Lame.”
Second item: a half-eaten granola bar. “Eww.”
Heidi made a face. “Red, that’s disgusting.”
“It’s for later!” Red defended weakly.
Third item- the New Kid paused. Their hand had touched something smooth, thin and plastic. Very sparkly. They grabbed and pulled it out of the bag. The limited-edition Terrance and Phillip sticker sheet shimmered under the lamp like a holy artifact.
“Oh!” Nichole gasped. “Red, those are cute!”
Red blinked. “Oh, yeah, those.”
Wendy leaned closer. “Where’d you get them?”
“My cousin sent them from Canada,” Red said proudly. “They’re limited edition.”
The room filled with soft oohs and aahs. The sheet glittered under the overhead light, every tiny Terrance and Phillip face shining with sparkly adhesive glory.
Outside the window, somewhere in the bushes-
“OH MY GOD,” a muffled whisper crackled through the New Kid’s walkie-talkie. “THERE THEY ARE.”
The New Kid did not move. Their face remained the same blank, eternal expression.
Cartman’s voice came again, louder this time. “NEW KID, CONFIRM VISUAL ON THE STICKERS.” The New Kid slowly, discreetly, nudged the talkie with their elbow until the speaker pointed toward the carpet. Static fizzled.
Inside the circle, the girls were still admiring the sheet.
“They’re so shiny!” Annie said, leaning close enough that a strand of her hair brushed the plastic.
Nichole pointed. “Look! The fart cloud one!”
“That one’s my favorite,” Red said proudly, tapping the corner. “But I’m saving them. I’m not using them until I find the perfect place.”
Wendy narrowed her eyes slightly. “Wait… if they’re so special, why’d you bring them to a sleepover?”
Red hesitated. “Well… because-”
Bebe snorted, rolling her eyes “Because she wanted to show them off!” Red’s blush deepened.
The New Kid held the sheet carefully between two fingers, examining it like a priceless museum artifact. Which, judging by the boys’ reaction earlier, it basically was.
The walkie crackled again. “NEW KID,” Cartman hissed. “STEAL THEM. STEAL THEM RIGHT NOW.”
Stan’s voice whispered in the background. “Dude, shut up, they’re gonna hear-”
“SHUT UP STAN.”
The New Kid very slowly lowered the sheet back toward the backpack and Cartman nearly screamed through the radio.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” The New Kid ignored him.
The girls were watching closely now, and if they grabbed the stickers and ran, the entire operation would collapse immediately. Even Cartman’s tiny brain could understand that. So instead, they pulled something else from the backpack. A folded piece of pink paper, and Red gasped.
“Wait!” The New Kid unfolded it and the girls immediately leaned in.
“Oh my god,” Nichole whispered.
Wendy covered her mouth. Bebe’s grin spread like wildfire. “Red,” she said slowly, “is this…?”
Red lunged for the paper. “GIVE IT BACK!”
But the New Kid held it up just high enough for everyone to read. In very messy handwriting:
“Dear Craig,
I know you probably don’t like me but I think you’re mysterious and cool and you don’t talk much which is kind of romantic.
Also your hat is nice.
From, Red (but don’t tell anyone).”
The room immediately exploded.
“REDDDD!” Annie shrieked.
“You like Craig?!” Nichole shouted. Red’s entire face turned the color of a fire truck. Things couldn’t get any worse for her.
“I DO NOT!” She screamed.
Bebe was wheezing. “You literally wrote a love letter!”
“It’s NOT A LOVE LETTER!”
Wendy wiped tears from her eyes. “Oh my god, this is the most embarrassing thing ever!”
The New Kid calmly folded the letter again and placed it back in the backpack. And so the dare was completed. The girls continued screaming and laughing while Red buried her face in a pillow. Amidst all that chaos…
The sticker sheet slid quietly into the New Kid’s sleeve as the girls were still bullying Red.
“You like Craig!”
“Craig doesn’t even talk!”
“He flips people off!”
“He’s mysterious!” Red shouted defensively. The New Kid sat quietly in the circle, hands resting on their knees. Inside their sleeve, the sparkly treasure remained perfectly hidden.
“He’s a genius. No other word for it. Genius.” Cartman said, awestruck. All the other boys observed from afar, silently celebrating the mighty success of the plan.
Inside the house, the ‘Red likes Craig’ bully slowly died out into laughter and Red’s embarrassment. This was weird, but… the New Kid still wasn't sure if they wanted it to be over just yet.
“So that was fun!” Annie said, beaming.
The girls all laughed and threw themselves on the ground. The New Kid laid on their back, too. They all stared at the ceiling, and Bebe got her small jukebox and played a song to drive the mood.
“Oh my God, I love this song!” Wendy gasped, and started to wiggle on the floor. “You’re the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!”
The girls seemed to love the vibe, since they were all dancing laid down, shaking their bodies against the floor. Meanwhile, the New Kid just kept staring at the ceiling, their nails painted.
Soon enough, Bebe’s mom came down to the basement calling out for the New Kid.
“New Kid! Your Mom’s calling!” She announced singing, her curly blonde hair bobbing as she went down the flights.
Bebe stopped her dancing for a while to reassure them. “That's okay, New Kid. We’ll wait!”
The New Kid climbed up the stairs, only to find the landline phone waiting for them. They picked up and heard Cartman on the other side of the line.
“New Kid! Everything’s ready, just say you have an emergency at home and we’ll meet right outside!” He said, and they could hear him glowing from afar.
Soon enough, they hung up.
“So, what was it that she wanted, darling?” Ms. Stevens asked, politely. “Oh, you’re going home so soon? We were about to order pizza!”
The New Kid just stood there, flashing their eyes, trying to communicate something other than the wish to go back with the girls. They did nothing.
“Okay… well, let's get you down there to say goodbye to the girls, how about?” She asked.
Both of them went back in the basement, Bebe’s Mom waiting just up on the stairs. Every step the New Kid took, there was a glimmer of a feeling they didn't know what was. But it wasn't a good one. It kinda hurt, somehow.
“Hey, New Kid, what gives?” Wendy said. The girls were cluttered up reading gossip magazines, laughing and giggling. “Oh, you’re… going? Already?”
The New Kid stood still. Wendy’s worried face gave them a sick feeling to their stomach.
“Can’t you stay a little while? It's late, and you’d have to wait for your parents to pick you up.” She tilted her head, brows furrowed.
Well… they could wait for a bit, they suppose.
“Great!” Wendy beamed, returning to the girls. “Hey, the New Kid’s back!”
The New Kid sat on the floor along with the girls, magazines rustling as they all talked about the most hot goss on them. Bebe, suddenly, reached out to them and handed them a juice box.
“Here!” She said, pop music playing in the background. “It's the new Guava-Grape-Ginger mix! It’s called GGG, isn’t that great? Taste it, I swear it frizzles like a daydream.”
They took a small sip from the box, and immediately felt this bubbly feeling inside their mouth. It was good, so they took another sip.
The New Kid didn't want to admit it, but they were having a good time.
“Oh wow, you’re giving him the new GGG? Isn’t it tasty-” Nichole’s voice was cut by a shudder on the basement window, not breaking it, but calling the girls’ attention. They screamed with a shrill sound, looking at the direction of the noise.
“What's that?” Red asked, moving toward the hassle. “Is that…”
“Cartman?!” Wendy shouted, fury in her eyes.
Cartman’s eyes were blown. “What?! You weren’t supposed to see me from there. It was probably the sound Stan made when he farted.”
Wendy’s death stare intensified. “Stan?!”
“Not cool dude! You ratted me out!” Stan said, getting up from the bushes.
Cartman gasped, astonished still he was caught. “Well, if I’m going down then I’m taking everyone with me! Come out, Kyle, Kenny, Clyde, Butters, Craig, Jimmy, Tweek, Tolkien…”
“What the hell? Why are all the boys crowded out there?” Bebe’s voice came out confused. “Get out!”
“Not without the New Kid first!” The chestnut haired announced. “New Kid! Run!”
But they didn't.
They stayed still, with their GGG juice box in hands, painted with green nail polish. This was the most calm they had in… well, weeks. And this was the most calm things would ever get.
They didn't want it over just yet.
The wind breeze blew a small section of their hair that was braided earlier.
“New Kid, this is part of the plan! You’re supposed to get it and run!” Cartman still tried, in vain.
“What plan?” Red asks, hands on her waist.
Bebe rolled her eyes. “Seriously, do you guys think the New Kid’s really on your side?”
The whole room stayed in complete silence, deafening.
“Just look at him! Look at… her.” She continued. “Do you think it’s fair to make the New Kid do what you guys want to do just because he’s… she’s a little different?”
It didn't feel right. But it didn't feel quite wrong. Just a little out of place, as always.
“But… he's one of the boys. He’s King Douchebag. He farted on Kenny’s balls.” Cartman said, in disbelief.
“I don't think you get to decide that.” The blonde said, her voice harsh.
No one moved an atom. The New Kid glared at everyone.
“...We don't get to decide that, either.” Wendy finally broke the quiet atmosphere that had been created. “Maybe he… they can decide what they want.”
“I'm not fucking understanding shit right now.” Cartman deadpanned.
Kyle hushed him. “Will you shut up? Maybe Wendy’s right, after all. We’ve been pushing these labels on the New Kid all along but we’ve never asked what they wanted.”
“Maybe he wants to be a boy, maybe he wants to be a girl. Maybe both, maybe neither. We don't get to choose that. Only the New Kid can pick what they want.” Wendy continued Kyle’s train of thought.
For the first time in a minute, the New Kid timidly smiled. Not big, like a cartoony smile, everlasting and stupid, but genuine and giddly.
“So, New Kid, what do you want? Do you want to be called ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’?”
Now would be the time to enter a dialogue tree, but that's not possible. This is real life, not an RPG game. So they choose the option that felt more fitting
“‘They’? Wow, that's lame.” Cartman scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Shut up, Cartman!” Kyle snapped back. “That's great, New Kid. We’re happy for you, no matter what.”
“Yeah! Whatever pronouns you’d like to be called, we’re still your friends!” Wendy said, a smile shimmering on her face.
All the girls whispered happy ‘yes’-es and ‘of course’-es, as the boys quietly said some ‘I guess’-es.
This was nice.
“Well, we're ordering some pizza soon, what do you think about pepperoni?” Bebe asked. The New Kid smiled softly. “Perfect!”
“Well, some pizza would be nice…” Cartman said without a trace of shame.
Red ruffed. “You’re not invited, Cartman! Neither of you are!”
“What!?” Cartman shouted.
“Let's go home, dude…” Stan started to guide the group of boys outside the Stevens’ land.
“Isn't the party ‘girls only’? Why is the New Kid allowed?! He's… they’re not a girl whatsoever!” The chubby boy reluctantly followed the other boys back to their houses. “Whatever! Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
“Well… the slumber party is now not ‘girls only’... it's ‘no boys allowed’! So now everyone’s included!” Bebe said with joy, all the girls hurraying.
“I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!” Annie said, the others laughed and cackled.
The rest of the evening rolled pretty chill. The kids fell to their sleep soon enough, and so another day brushed their foreheads with warmth and shades of orange.
The day back to school came quickly. Way faster than they truly wanted, but they came in terms with it.
The New Kid paced toward their locker, scrambling through their books and shoving their backpack straight into it. Right when they pushed the locker’s door, a round figure emerged right behind it.
Their gaze followed Cartman’s frown.
“See you and the girls are now a thing. So eager to abandon the plan for some GGG, right? Typical.” He mocked, sass overloading his tone.
With their mouth as a straight line, the New Kid observed Cartman’s disappointed face.
He pouted. “What? You're gonna sit with them at lunch now, play barbies with them?”
The New Kid soon slid something from their pocket, making Cartman’s eyes sparkle.
“No way.” It was the Terrance and Phillip sticker sheet they stole yesterday, in all its smelly glory. “No fucking way. New Kid, you're giving it to me?”
They handed it to Cartman, and he grabbed it, uncertain if it was even real.
“Oh, dude, this is sweet. So you are one of the boys after all!” He leered, almost skipping in place. He was quickly shoved on the shoulder by a taller ginger. “What the fuck, Kahl?”
“Respect them, fatass. The New Kid is not a boy nor a girl.” Kyle crossed his arms, posing scoldingly at him. Stan was right behind him, holding his books.
“Here he comes, the moral superior majesty.” He said. The New kid was really about to get in the middle of one of their fights again? “Look, you're the one who’s not being open minded about the whole ‘being a boy’ thing.”
The New Kid blinked at him.
“What do you mean?” Kyle’s voice sounded pitched.
“Ugh, it means that he's… they’re a boy because of their attitude, not their sex or whatever it's called.” Cartman rolled his eyes. They weirdly paid attention. “They can be one of the girls too or whatever, but that doesn’t mean they’re not one of the boys, too. Like, giving me the stickers is one of the boys' things, fire crotch.”
They all stayed silent.
“He's got a point, dude.” Stan whispered.
Kyle huffed. “Man.”
So that's a new one. Eric Cartman, out of all people, was kinda right.
“Now I got these sick stickers, dude, the fart cloud one is awesome! So kewl.” He walked away, going somewhere to show off his new sticker sheet.
“There’s no way this has happened. Did he really have a point?” Kyle was dumbfounded.
Stan shrugged. “I guess. Hey, later after class we were going to play superheroes, wanna come, New Kid?”
Oh no.