Chapter Text
The sun sets and rises, again and again, a cyclical structure, the only structure James' life holds. Being a touring musician and making YouTube videos doesn't set a routine up so nothing stands still in his life, nothing weighing him down from the freeness he has, well except one thing. Will. The only thing that is truly a sturdy rock in his life.
The love he holds for Will is immeasurable. A platonic love. Platonic that is all it is, he swears on it, the fans would disagree and so would his heart. But Will's and his heart are not intertwined into one so he cares from a friends perspective. He knows Will unlike anybody else and thats why he knows to never truly cross that bridge because Will is the kind of person who could get scared by James' feelings and run.
But surely he is semi-aware, to be honest he isn't subtle with his affections it's rather blatant. If the fans can spot it surely Will can. Will must just be being a great friend and ignoring it for the benefit of James feeling comfortable.
"are yous there"
James blinks disorientated ,"yeah ,just lost in my thoughts"
The studio lights are blinding as he readjusts to reality, the reality where he wants to stare into Wills eyes for eternity. But eternity is something he will never have, or in fact any of us as humans will have, although many wish for it, but the idea of it is truly grim. Is eternity real or is just a concept manufactured by humans to make themselves feel more comfortable that even when they are gone there is still something there and that there always will be. But all he truly knows is that he will love Will for eternity, whether he wants to or not the choice isn't one he can make, he loves him and he thinks he always will, such a shame that the idea of Will reciprocating his affections is absurd.
"do you believe in eternity?" James blurts out, too deep into his own thoughts to decide whether it was an appropriate question in there current circumstance.
"what are you yapping bout?" Will questions clearly slightly confused by the origin of the question.
"eternity do you believe in it?"
"what like forever? yeah I guess, what is there to believe in, there will always be something for ever int that true"
James shrugs, he has given up on this conversation deciding to try and move on from oddly profound thoughts for the time being.
"what's good guys, up for the pubs with some of the lads?" Chris bursts into there office, not a foreign concept seeing as his office is only down the hall.
"Who's coming? but yeah I'm up for it, what about you Jim?"
"umm, Television, Hill, George, Freezy, chip and Stephen"
"I've got nothing better to do, Sure"
Great more people to view his blatant affections and call it out, announce it to the world, when truly he was still refusing to admit it to himself. He had just never had a friend as close a Will. But in his heart he knew. There was a dull ache that would take refuge in his heart when he spoke to Will and knew he would never hold him in his arms the way someone else would get to. He would get migraines watching himself on Wills channel because he truly looked gone for him. But if he felt all that in his heart why did his brain disagree he would reason with himself, always finding ulterior factors to pin it to refusing to face the shadow looming over him that was shaped in a heart.
___
Will noticed how James seemed so out of it today. How he seemed so lost in his thoughts, he wanted to hug and tell him it was okay to be in the wrong headspace and to just take a break. But that would be weird.. would come across gay and Will for a fact was not gay.
There was nothing wrong with being gay, he had many friends who were gay. But him being gay was just incorrect, it made him nauseous and want to vomit and he didn't even know why. He felt guilt for feeling like that, because surely that meant he was homophobic on some scale, and being horrible internally to people he loved and cared for, especially one person he LOVED and cared for. And that was the issue.
Will hated James.
Hated James because he loved him and shouldn't.
So no not actual hatred. More so admiration for being free in himself. But he knew James didn't see him like he saw him, surely James was playing it up for the cameras. Which sucked. But not as much as it sucked hating yourself for something you can't help but feel.
He felt light headed and full of anger. At himself, for being him, at James for being loveable, at Chris for- well there was no reason to be angry at Chris but he was, probably just because he was in the room.
The anger could last forever but that would yet fail to numb the sting of knowing a truth about himself he refused to acknowledge. And as he aged it became more difficult to ignore because with his shitty luck he had realised after a long time he just was not into women full stop. It became more difficult to hold the façade, because he once truly did, in his past relationships he did love the women he was with. But at some point his attraction to James consumed his brain and heart.
But no, he could not be attracted to men, because he was Will. And Will was a straight lads lad.
But the main dilemma he was honing in on now was the fact that the lads would try and set him up with a woman as usual. But he just couldn't take it. He felt ill at the idea of being set up with a woman and felt a stabbing pain in his gut at the idea of being his true self. It would be silly to spill his whole heart out for James to not like him like that. So he cried.
Not now but under the shield of night when nobody was watching. Sobbing while feeling pathetic and ashamed, those emotions causing him to sob harder. Finally falling asleep once his body could not take the emotional intensity anymore. Lying there chest rising and falling, with James' contact open on his phone, ready to call him in his suffering to ask for comfort, but he never did because James would care. And that would enhance the pain, knowing he was in reach but he could not hold him the way he wanted.
So instead, the sun sets and rises, again and again.