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Armand bolted up from the couch when he heard the front door slam open. Daniel was home a day early from his trip to New Orleans where he interviewed Lestat. Panic ran through him. Usually the thought of Daniel was comforting and thrilling, but not now when the apartment was a mess around him. Clothes thrown on chairs, blood spattered on the floor, forgotten wet clothes in the washer. He was planning to clean everything tomorrow before his beloved came home. This was a disaster.
In truth he hated the mess, it made him feel stressed and claustrophobic. Clothes on the floor, the unclean sink in the bathroom, a dirty blender on the counter. All of it made him want to scream. At the same time, fixing it seemed an enormous and unending task. Especially when he was alone. When he was alone the mess was his punishment for his actions, trapped in an overwhelming state of shame and stress. His fault, his consequence. However, when someone else was there he cleaned obsessively. Laundry was done in an orderly fashion, blood cleaned from the tiles the second it dropped. He would not subject someone else to the disaster of his uncleanliness.
He was taught to clean from a young age. Cleaning sheets after customers, scraping his skin clean of the disgusting mess of another man’s pleasure, scrubbing the floors clean of semen, spit, blood. Simply part of the job. It was demanded of him as was everything else. Then was beautiful Marius with his clean home and wonderful paintings. Once again cleaning was expected of him. To clean his messes and the mess of the occasional jobs he did for Marius. With love in his heart Marius would yell at any mess left behind, and Armand learned very quickly to obey.
With Louis it was so easy. The comfort of Louis telling him to do things, sometimes kindly, other times not. Both in Paris and after Louis was a constant presence that kept the disaster of Armand in line. His Maitre knew what was right for him. Then there was the storm of San Francisco. Louis ran off with other boys, leaving him for days on end. There were days of sitting in the apartment and waiting for him to return, staring at the wall in a trance of guilt and obsession. Watching Louis feel the thrum of excitement walking the city, stalking his next hookup and prey. Then Louis met the boy. His boy. He watched in Louis' mind, as rather than the normal sex and kill he confessed his story to the boy. His constant obsessive descriptions of Lestat pounded in his head. Then he felt the building anger in Louis’ head, and the boy high on drugs saying stupid things. He rushed to the apartment. Then all that followed; Louis burning, the beautiful boy passed out on the floor, his blood running along the floor boards. An awful day but also the day he met his beloved Daniel.
Those magnificent years spent with Daniel. Watching him run from country to country, playing a cat and mouse game, catching him and letting him go again. It was an amazing thrill to chase his boy. Then finally being with his beloved in Paris, New York, and Miami. All those memories bright and brilliant. But still there was Louis, his companion. Louis who he still loved and longed for. Louis was the wall between him and crushing loneliness. Yet Daniel was so alive and free, and he could not trap his beloved boy in the terror of a never-ending death. He needed Louis to be his, to keep the darkness away, so he let his boy go. He replaced his memories and freed him.
Now he stands in the living room of their one bedroom apartment completely frozen by fear. What happens next? Will Daniel yell at him, throw something at him, leave him? All because he was stupid and couldn’t clean up after himself. He was so useless. He didn’t deserve Daniel.
“I’m home,” Daniel called from the hallway. Armand just stood and didn’t not respond, resigned to whatever punishment would arrive for the mess that he had created. He couldn’t see Daniel from where he stood but he could hear as Daniel walked to the bedroom,as the wheels of his suitcase bumped across the hardwood floors. Then he heard his footsteps as Daniel walked back towards the living room.
Daniel appeared in the entryway, his white hair messy and his button up shirt untucked from his pants. He was confused as he looked at Armand, who stood like a statue in front of the couch.
“I thought you weren’t here for a second because..” He trailed off as his eyes caught on Armand’s shaking hands. Armand shifted his eyes down, unworthy of Daniel’s gaze. “Um, are you okay?” he said with worry in his voice. Armand didn’t understand what he meant. Why would Daniel worry about him when the apartment was dirty and he was the cause? He should be angry. Armand continued to stare, unable to think of an appropriate reaction.
“Do you want me to leave?” Daniel said cautiously, as if talking to a startled animal.
“No!” Armand said, rushing forward to his boy as he grabbed his wrist. He was now truly panicking. The situation was bad but it would become worse without Daniel. His beloved looked at him trying to understand why he was so upset.
“Okay,” He said, taking a deep breath in. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” his boy said as he gently wiped at a tear rolling down Armand's cheek. He hadn’t even realized he was crying. It was embarrassing to show such human weakness, but once he started he couldn’t stop. A deep sob racked his body, it almost hurt. He felt completely out of control, unable to stop, it was awful. Then his boy’s arms encircled him, careful and gentle, allowing him time to step away. Armand let himself be wrapped in his beloved’s arms, pressing his face into Daniel’s neck, smearing his skin with bloody tears. He listened to his boy’s pulse and calmed himself by carefully matching their heart beats together.
His boy’s steady heart led him back to sanity. The arms wrapped around him were safe, a reminder of the gentle soul of Daniel. Daniel was not Marius or a pimp at the brothel. Daniel was his and he was Daniel’s. They were equal in this way. Armand knew these things but that didn’t stop the emotions he felt. He hated mortal emotions, triggering at random to attack him, especially over something that now felt so dumb to be upset over. How he wished to look inside his boy’s head and see what he felt. That would let him know how to react, but that connection had been killed by Armand. Daniel shifted, pulling away slightly to look at Armand. Instinctually, Armand gripped Daniel’s arm not wanting him to move away further.
“I am not going away sweetheart,” Daniel said, bringing a hand up to stroke Armand’s hair. “But my legs are tired. Can we lay down?” He said gesturing towards the couch. Armand nodded and dragged his boy to the couch. He directed his boy to lay on top of him and let Daniel’s weight ground him. The first time Armand had commanded that Daniel lay all his weight on him his boy was worried he would crush him. But Armand gently reminded him that Daniel most likely could not kill him if he tried and certainly not by accident. The pressure of his beloved laying all his weight on him made him feel together. It forced him to focus on the slow movement of his lungs, his blood moving through veins and his boy’s pulsing heart. It was one of the few places where he felt protected. Armand closed his eyes and let time slow, let his mind be consumed by Daniel’s steady breathing.
After a while Armand reached a hand up to pet Daniel’s hair. His boy’s eyes opened and he leaned back from Armand’s neck where he was resting to look at him. “I’m sorry, beloved,” Armand said, trying not to get upset again.
“What exactly are you apologizing about? Because you have done nothing wrong that I can see,” His boy said. Armand gives him a startled look, almost horrified.
“The apartment is a mess!” Armand shouted in a hushed tone, in shock with Daniel’s words. Daniel broke eye contact with Armand to look around at the living room, seeing one dirty mug on the coffee table and a pair of pants on the floor. And suddenly his boy laughed. The sound came from deep in his chest, the vibrations which pleasantly tickled Armand. “What are you laughing about!” he said horrified. “I left the apartment an awful mess and I am awful for subjecting you to it.”
Daniel looked at him curiously for a second.“Babe, I have lived in far worse conditions than this,” he said as he ran his fingers through Armand's hair. “In fact, you put me in a drug den at one point, that place was not very clean,” Daniel said with a smile.
“But this is our home I should treat it better and you deserve better,” Armand argued even though he began to feel a little silly about the whole situation.
“I am exactly where I want to be sweetheart, I promise you,” His beloved said sweetly. “And I am sorry for not telling you I was coming home early, it was supposed to be a surprise.”
“I don’t like surprises,” Armand muttered, still trying to comprehend the apology he had received. People very rarely apologized to him.
Daniel laughed again and said, “That much is very clear now.” There was a moment of silence before Daniel said, “I am tired. Can we go to the coffin?” Armand nodded and Daniel slowly rose to standing, grabbing hold of Armand’s hand pulling him up. Armand held his beloved’s hand as he took his iPad off of the table and followed his boy.