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It had been stuck in his head since the moment she said it. Sure, the rush and flow of the nightmare shift kept him moving between person to person. He was a failure for not holding it all. For not even realizing what Mel had said until the moment had ran away.
(Actually, I really don’t have anyone--)
He had asked a damn question and followed the flow of juggling act without even listening.
(Keep an eye on Langdon, don’t fuck him up more. Make sure Whitaker can get some air if he needs it from Santos. Keep an eye on how Santos responds with her first shift back with Langdon. Avoid Dana and Jack like the plague. Check on Duke again. Where’s McKay? Is Mohan back up? Does Al-Hashimi handle it all? Where is her juggling?)
Please someone need me.
And in the juggling, he dropped the ball.
(Again. Langdon hiding his addiction. Langdon needing help and passing undetected. Jack on the rooftop again. Dana getting fucking punched. Over and over.)
All it took was Dana, her voice quick and efficient as it always was when providing information that she thought should go top of his endless list.
“Dr. King headed for the stairway couple minutes ago.” Her chin jerked toward one of the outlets that led to a quieter--
(--abandoned)
part of the hospital. Just like that, an answer he half heard echoed in his ears. Dana’s jaw was tight as she offered this one up. Her eyes were narrowed. A simple and clear order, handle it and do it right. Far from the first time she gave the command, but there was a hesitation to her voice that was unfamiliar.
(Doubt. She doubted he could do this right. She thought he would fuck it up like he had been all day. Go too hard, too mean, lash out. And she was right to feel it.)
He had hurt a lot of his staff today, they would be better off tomorrow. He was sure of that.
Away from him. The hospital chugged along, content to replace a worn out gear.
He shook his head as he darted for the stairwell. He glanced toward Duke’s room, upset with himself as he let the man get bumped down on yet another hospital list. But Dana had trusted him with this, and… Mel. It was Mel, and he failed her earlier. He had to try now.
She sat at the bottom of the stairwell, a usual spot. The area was dark in comparison to the ED’s overheads, his footsteps nearly echoed with how still everything was. But this time, she did not have her phone in hand.
Mel had gone into some detail about the various sensory apps that she had on her phone. Jack had been the one that had the honor of seeing it live. Sounds, visuals, interactive games. She had them sorted by type, then color, then favorites (with her top three kept on the homepage directly). Several patients and staff had been seen holding her phone on a bad day, and it had been one patient shared with Jack on one of the few shifts that Mel had taken, that brought on the lesson.
But she didn’t look for comfort from it now. Instead, she curled in on herself, knees up, hands drooped and twisted.
She glanced up startled and then froze when she met his eyes.
(All that matters is if we get up!)
It hadn’t even been a full year since PittFest.
He cleared his throat, the sound thundered in the quiet stairwell.
“Is it, uh, alright if I come sit with you?” He asked, his hands out of his pockets and down by his sides. Part of him wanted this to be quick, needed this to happen fast.
(Lavishing in feelings was dangerous normally, but today. No, he just needed to get through this shift.)
He wondered if he would get called back before they could have this talk, if Dana would be right. If… If he had forgotten somewhere how to be kind. To be gentle.
(If he ever knew it at all.)
All the same, he waited for Mel to bob her head in a nod, and he came to sit at her side. He faced forward, his eyes on the window that showed the rapid back and forth of doctors, nurses, and patients. He breathed through the rush to get back in the fray.
“I got distracted from you. That wasn’t fair. I-- I dropped the ball.”
“No! No, I was just-- the deposition-- and Becca came in and then—”
“Whoa, wait, your sister came in? Is she alright?” How did he miss that? Across everything, the most frequent topic for Mel had been Becca. She was Mel’s best friend (her words) and outside of work, the two had been inseperable.
“Oh, it was just a UTI.” Mel said quickly before she raised her hand to her mouth just as fast. She breathed out hard and both hands were back in her lap. Robby had opened his mouth to offer congrats on it being a pretty low stakes issue. But Mel seemed to run onward, as if the topic just couldn’t stay under her skin any longer.
“And she has a boyfriend she never told me about, and other things she didn’t tell me about. She’s having sex.” There was a heaviness in the words. Robby realized suddenly that he was… very out of his league for this talk. He released a slow and heavy whistle as he leaned back further into the above stairs, his elbows back to rest on the one’s above. He gave a slow nod.
“Yeah, that is a lot to take in.”
“She lied to me, for six-months she lied. My sister’s a fucking liar!” She steamrolled further, and just like that Robby was sat up fully again.
“Whoa, whoa. Okay.” he reached out to take her arm, but then paused and returned his palms to his knees and rubbed hard at his cargos. He tilted his head back, his eyes focused on the landing above them. Mel never cursed. The line had been drawn. This was much worse than he expected, and she was telling him, her boss, because he was there and oh right. She had no one to fucking talk to.
(His condo had been his for nearly fifteen years now. He had bought it too big for himself. He had been dating seriously, had thought he would settle down. A space carved for two. A space where one had a jail cell and the other was a fucking Air BnB for how people came, stayed, and left. He had learned, simple enough, that his burdens were an albatross, set to drown him.)
“We all have secrets, Mel. Me, you, Becca. I’ve heard you mention how you take care of her. She has her own life and you have helped her have space to do so. It’s shows you’re doing a good—”
“She has a boyfriend, and they are gonna fall in love, and get married, and-- and I’ll be all alone!” She blurted out, and Robby watched tears in her eyes. There are no other doctors, no patients under their hands, no way out. And for a moment, Robby can only see himself.
Everyone is alone. The thoughts hit him hard. Everyone. Like a speeding car collision, Robby felt himself unable to slam the breaks quick enough.
“You get used to being alone, not everyone always has someone to reach for.” He noted with a shrug, his tone was sharper than he meant. The words quick and rough. Get used to it. No one will be there. He watched as Mel’s brows rose. He wondered what the lash would be. If she would buck at him like Samira, if she would duck away like Dennis, if she would leave like Dana.
Mel, of course, did none of the above.
He watched as her brows came back down and she cocked her head at him.
“What do you mean?” And just like that he felt imbalanced.
“What I said. Dr. King, get used to being alone. It is easier if you learn to withstand it.” His lips pursed roughly as he pushed himself to his feet. “In the ED, we are a team, you aren’t alone, here. Outside—”
“But you aren’t alone outside of here, Dr. Robby.” Mel’s voice was clear and concise. She said it like a fact, like how she gave a diagnostic or told them about a movie she watched. It felt like she had drenched him in cold water. He whipped sideways and met her eyes. She didn’t seem upset with him, just confused. His breath went tacky.
“Mel, I live alone.” He reminded, and she rolled her eyes.
“Yes, Dr. Robby. I know. But I know that you and Dr. Abbot go to a diner when either one of your shifts don’t line up. And that you were invited to Dana’s daughter’s birthday, and that you sometimes follow Dana on her breaks to talk. And that you offered Dennis to watch your house. And that you went to Donnie’s wife’s baby shower. And that your friend, Duke, is inside the ED right now. I mean-- I know you didn’t say anything, but I know you helped Dr. Collins pack before her move.” She listed quickly, legitimately raising her hand up to count them off.
Shaken through and through. He instinctively shifted back.
“All of these people-- are from the hospital—” She opened her mouth. “Aside from Duke, but I pay him for help with my bike.” She shook her head, brows furrowed further as she scrunched her face.
“Most people form the closest attachments in their adult life with their coworkers. The majority of our lives as doctors are spent in these walls-- So of course, your support system is built here. Which is why we are all gonna miss you so much, Dr. Robby.” Finally her eyes came back to his.
We are all gonna miss you so much.
He willed himself to hold firm, to blink hard. He could not do this now. Not with Mel right there on the bridge of her own breakdown. He pushed out a weak laugh.
“Well, Dr. King, good assessment.” He extended his hand to her. “You figured out where I built my team, now what can you do?” She put her hand into his and let him tug her to her feet.
“It’s been so long already-- and I have Becca to worry for-- and—” She rambled.
“Ah-ah-ah, Mel, excuses.” He waved his free hand.
“What if-- what if no one wants to… to know me? Wouldn’t it be better if they didn’t have to worry about me?” Mel whispered, her eyes darted from one side of his head to the other.
(Burden. Burden. My words, my thoughts, my feelings. They are so heavy, why weigh down someone else.)
Another slow and shaky breath.
“Dr. King, I have been told that deep pressure can help following an emotional event. May I hug you?” Gentle, with the slightest tilt of his mouth. He hoped vaguely that she wouldn’t notice the tears in his eyes. She gave another stuttered nod and he wrapped his arms tight around her. Her head pressed into his sternum and she seemed to melt as he gave a firm squeeze.
“When people—” a cough. “When people care for you, they worry.” He briefly thought of Jack on the roof after PittFest, of his anxiety for Jake, and the way Dana harped after him about his trip. A pulse, a squeeze.
“Mel, from my time knowing you, you are deeply empathetic, put all your focus in being as helpful as possible, and maintain a strong optimism that I have seen brighten the lives of your coworkers and our patients.” He spoke slowly, voice low and honest. “I know today sucked. But Becca will always be your sister even if she isn’t always right at your hand. And maybe-- maybe it would be good for you both, for you to have more time to spend outside of her bubble.”
He heard the soft sniffle as she seemed to dig her forehead more firmly into his chest. He squeezed her shoulders once before he stepped back.
“You know,” she swallowed hard. “I’ve seen Elf 164 times. It’s Becca’s favorite movie. So we watch it, every time.” She laughed harshly as she swayed back into his chest. He wheezed a laugh.
“So, get some of the staff together and go see a damn movie, not Elf. One you pick.” He ordered. She seemed to think about it, her head tilted to the side as she swayed back away.
“Would-- you… Nevermind—” She cut herself off as she dipped her head down.
“Would I--?”
“No, I know you’re leaving tonight-- but.. When you come back, would you and Dr. Abbot come with us?” Bright eyed and honest.
His heart thudded. When you come back.
“You shouldn’t wait three months to maybe go to the movies, Mel.” He hedged.
“I wouldn’t! I mean, I understand. I would definitely try while you’re away, but if everyone says no-- I would! I mean, it would be nice to know I have at least-- one yes… I mean, obviously you’re busy, and it is super far in advanced, and you are my attending-- Is this weird?” Mel fumbled, the space grew between them and she wrung her hands.
“They won’t say no, Mel. Look…” Fuck. “Go in, and ask everyone. If everyone says no. Tomorrow, we go, drag Abbot and whoever is off shift, to go see a movie. Then I kick off my sabbatical and hit the road.”
He wished he could have offered himself as her confidant. But even if he wasn't already barely hanging on with his own mess of shit, he couldn't make big promises. Not anymore.
One day, he can promise one day. For Mel.
Just like that she bloomed before him. Her smile so wide and bright. She gave a single sharp nod.
“And remember, a very smart doctor told me once, it only matters if we get up.” He cleared his throat at the end of the sentence. Her smile winked out for a moment, before it came right back.
“See you on the floor, Dr. Robby, I’ll let you know about if anyone says yes!”
And just like that, she disappeared back onto the floor.
Robby sank down heavily onto the stairs and rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He had promised himself it would be today. That he would see the hospital running and would step into the wide unknown to see what Fate had in-store on the open road.
(He imagined driving helmetless, without a destination in mind. To drive and drive and drive, until his road ended. It wasn’t a plan. Not a firm one. People died every day. Car accidents happened all the time. All he wanted was to make sure he kept his promise to his team. He would not become one of their patients.)
But he had pushed it back.
Once again, Dr. Melissa King had managed to hit the head of it when she hadn’t been trying.
He pulled out his phone and pulled up his notes, his glasses carefully hooked into place. He wrote a list. A list of every single person today that had worried about him. Whether it was to complain about a lack of helmet or worry about his mid-life crisis. He then looked at his calendar, shut off the work tab, and looked at all the social events he had been invited to in the last month, mentally including all the “usuals” that came with Jack.
Jack Abbot who had wormed his way closer in the last months. Who had been actually afraid and pulled him to the right side of the rail. Who had not crossed that rail since. Jack Abbot who had fallen asleep on his shoulder just two weeks ago, and Robby had caught himself holding his breath. He considered the man that he had felt like he could protect by not pushing either of them too far. He had never mentioned the time he had fallen asleep on Jack’s couch, only to partially wake to a kiss to his hair.
Every relationship he had had failed.
Therapy with Caleb and later Caleb’s contact, had failed, it was why he stopped months ago. Every scratch of the notebook had made him wonder if he would get to leave the room. If he would have his job put on hold. If Gloria would somehow learn of the ghosts that haunted him.
Mel’s words could only be a talisman for so much.
It only matters if you get up.
We are all gonna miss you.
Would they? Is that what he is doing? The hospital was simple, a gear to replace a gear. Dr. Al-Hashimi, excluding her AI bullshit, was a good teacher and good leader. He worried about her pauses, but they had all welcomed her.
Especially Jack fucking Abbot who had matched pace with her immediately. Proudly reassured Robby that in time he may like her more than him.
(It had been a knife to his chest. A pain over words that sounded like a middleschooler’s joke.)
So many of them had reassured him that the hospital would survive without him, that he wasn’t the savior of this place. And fuck he knew that.
He wondered briefly if Dr. Al-Hashimi would take his place in his personal life too, what remains of it. If she would learn how to check Jack to see if his leg bothered him, if she would learn how to pull him from the rooftop. If she would join Dana on her smoke breaks and learn to make her laugh. If Whitaker and Santos would follow her like ducks, and if Dr. Mel King would make her feel as fragile in a moment as she managed to do to him.
He knew that she had done far better than him today.
She could do better than him every day. Why would they miss him?
Call me if it gets dark.
He hadn’t promised Jack shit.
Still the tears came.
Jack would be back on shift soon.
He didn’t need Robby waking him up.
He pulled up his phone anyway and typed into the browser, psychologytoday.com. A website that Caleb had brought up when he realized that they weren’t making headway. If not me, someone, Michael. The list of headshots, names, and particulars seemed endless. He took a shaking breath.
“Robby, needed trauma 2.” The nurse said, he couldn’t even see who they were as they barely opened the door to call him in.
He shut off his phone.
He had promised a day. He could do a day.
He paused and pulled his phone back out.
He texted Jack.
[sent]: Mel talked me into a movie tomorrow, you’re coming with.
He had just started to pocket the device when Jack messaged back.
[received]: Damn, I already owe her lunch for a lifetime. She’ll never buy food again at this rate.
[received]: Let me know when, I’ll be in soon. Don’t miss me too much, I got dibs on that for the next three months.
Robby’s hand flexed around the phone, the plastic shifted in his grasp.
When people care for you, they worry.
If Robby could promise one more day, maybe tomorrow, he could promise one more.