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Angel whimpers, curling into himself in a pathetic attempt to stop the thoughts from coming.
Oh god, he's going to leave me, he’s going to leave, I did it again, I got too damn fucking close and now he hates me, why do I always do this, why can’t I control myself, w h y a m I l i k e t h i s.
With a sob, he retreats even further into his own pale skin, like a child yearning for its mother. He can’t even bear to look at his phone after what he said, there’s no coming back from that kind of overstep. Of course, he didn’t mean to say any of it, it started out as just a joking text to his best friend (and maybe just a little bit of a crush) Husk. They had been friends ever since Freshman year, sharing lots of the same high-level classes and getting into heated debates over the quality of different books and anime. They were just friends, nothing more; their relationship stayed ever playful and unserious. No matter how much Angel craved a deeper connection, no matter how much he wished for something more, things could never change. They simply could not. Because he knows exactly what happens when he tries to get close to someone . . .
Angel had had other friends than Husk, of course. Different people at different times, talking to Seniors as a Freshman when he definitely shouldn’t have been, the list was too long for his liking. Each person he had something in common with, each person he became comfortable around, and just when he thought he could finally, after so long let his guard down and form an emotional connection, each person stabbed him in the back with a serrated knife that went deeper with every idiotic mistake.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.”
“I think we should maybe keep our distance, maybe not be friends anymore.”
“It’s because of your narcissism.”
“You’re clearly not well enough for this.”
“For my own sake I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
“You’re still a bad person.”
Every time he’s so stupid as to think that he can open up to someone, despite all their assurances that “you can vent whenever you want!” “I’ll always be there for you!” “please don’t feel afraid to express your emotions to me!”, they always, always leave. He’s too much to handle, too needy, too desperate, too demanding, too trusting, too gullible, too naive to realize that people don’t really want to hear about your problems, you’ve got too many, just shut up and deal with it yourself you whiny brat.
And now he’s gone and fucked up the ONE perfect friendship he had left, all because he got emotional after making a stupid fucking joke and decided it was a good idea to ask to vent about his problems. He immediately regretted it after he sent the first text, curling into himself as tears welled up in his eyes, but he couldn’t put down the fucking phone, could he and so he kept texting. He sent five. Just kept blabbering on about how he doesn’t know how to process his emotions and he’s been in denial about his mom slowly dying for so long, and now that it’s close he doesn’t know how to deal with it, and he doesn’t want to see another loved one die, he’s already been through so many, and he jokes about it but he really can’t deal with it at all.
So now he’s here, shrunken in the fetal position on his bed, desperately trying to stop the sting of tears threatening to betray what little dignity he has left, but he can’t stop them they just keep coming and spilling over and now he’s full-on sobbing into his pillow. Great.
Dear god what did I do, he’s going to leave me now just like all the others, I swear I didn’t mean to I just wanted to make a joke, god I have no self-control, I really am just an overemotional codependent freak who uses his friends like therapists and breaks down at the slightest hint of rejection. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry please please don’t go please
A twinging pain, sharp and dull at the same time, forces its way through Angel, starting at the center of his chest and ending in his throat. The familiar ache of pure, concentrated pain rips its way through his body, uncaring and cold, taking what it wants and leaving him in shambles afterward. God, he’s so pathetic.
I just wanted a connection, acceptance, something, I’m sorry for wanting, I know I shouldn’t
I really can’t control myself sometimes, all I ever do is hurt people
Maybe he’s better off with me gone, I wasn’t doing anything for him anyway
Maybe they’re all better off without me, and I was just hurting them by being there
Maybe everyone else would be better off without me
Maybe I should do it after all
Maybe I should make everyone’s lives better
Maybe I can finally have the courage to do something good for once
Maybe . . .
“ . . . Angel?”
Angel whips his head up, the pills milliseconds away from his quivering lips, to see . . . Husk?
God, he forgot they live right fucking next to each other, didn’t he.
“Angel what are you doing?” Husk asks quietly, closing the bedroom door behind him. Angel is confused, so confused, because why would Husk be here? Isn’t he glad to be rid of me?
Husk crosses the room slowly, the carpeted floor muffling his footsteps so that the only noise in the room is Angel’s quiet, poorly stifled sobs. He takes Angel’s hands in his, careful and gentle as can be, and slowly pours the pills back into their bottle; Angel’s prescription ADHD meds. He turns his eyes to the face of the boy in front of him, contorted into an expression of pure despair and resignation.
“Why are you here Husk?” Angel whimpers. Tears flow freely down his face, and he tastes salt. “Wouldn’t you rather avoid me after what I just did?”
“Angel, I don’t know what you mean. What did you do?” Husk asks.
“I fucked everything up again is what I did!” he shouts, sobbing uncontrollably. “I crossed a line, I used you for my own selfish emotional issues, and now you hate me and you’re gonna leave me just like everyone else!” He pushes his hands up against his eyes, desperately trying to stop the rivers gushing over his cheeks.
Husk’s eyes soften, and he holds Angel’s hands tightly as he answers. “Angel, I swear to you I will never leave you, no matter how much you vent to me, no matter how annoying or selfish you think you’re being, no matter what you could possibly want out of me, I’ll give it to you, and I’ll stay with you. I swear to god, you’re not getting rid of me, no matter how hard you try, because . . .” he hesitates, for only a moment, before looking into Angel’s bloodshot eyes and baring his soul to him. “. . . Because I love you, Angel. I’ve loved you for a while now, and I was waiting for the right time to say it, but I never know whether or not you had the same feelings for me, and I didn’t want to make things weird between us, but you’re the most important person in my life and I can’t imagine living without you, so please don’t do this, you mean so much to me, I promise you could never do anything to make me hate you, and-”
Angel interrupts Husk’s nervous rambling by throwing himself into the other boy’s arms, bawling into his neck as his chest heaves. He can’t get a breath in, he’s sobbing too hard, but god does it feel so fucking good to just let all his emotions out like this. He’s spilling onto the floor, all over Husk, now sitting on his bed with him. He’s overflowing with everything he’s been holding in for the past three years, all of it gushing out of him like a dammed river that has just been set free. And Husk sits there, letting Angel truly allow himself to feel for the first time in years while he rubs slow, comforting circles into his back. It’s truly divine, Angel thinks, this feeling of being loved.
Husk moves to cradle Angel’s head as he cries, one hand softly running through his hair while the other continues its circles on his beloved Angel. He lifts Angel’s head up to meet his eyes, and in them he finds the answer to the question he didn’t even need to ask. He kisses Angel, tender and soft and careful, like he might break if handled too rough. Angel closes his eyes at this and wraps his arms around Husk’s neck, both of them smiling into their first kiss with all the pure happiness of a thousand suns. Husk looks back into Angel’s eyes, adoration painted on his face for his beloved to see, and Angel in turn looks at Husk as if he is the entire world, awed and loving. They stay like that for a while, just revelling in the other’s company and love, even after the tears slow to a stop. Their blissful embrace continues for hours, holding each other so close they can hear each other’s heartbeats, falling into bed together in a tangle of arms and legs and hearts. Angel rests nestled into the space between Husk’s neck and his shoulder, and Husk mumbles his approval softly. And as the two drift off into a blissful sleep, Angel’s voice, barely above a whisper, speaks softly to his lover:
“I love you too, Husk.”