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Boston, Massachusetts. Founded 1630, by very boring people called Puritans. Revolutionary War happened, there was Tea Party, then a lot of boring history for next couple hundred years. Finally, great hockey legend Ilya Rozanov moved to Boston in 2010 and made the sleepiest city in America very fun and cool again. Here is what to do for fun if you are new to Boston or have visitor to show around.
Where to Stay
I live here, so I know very little about hotels in Boston. Bad question to ask a local. I only stayed in hotels for little bit before rookie season. I didn’t have any apartment then because rental market in this city is very stupid and no one told me. So I will warn you in case you are moving here; some idiot decided that every lease in Boston should start first of September, so we can all enjoy when narrow city streets get blocked by fifteen U-Hauls on the same exact day every single year. Moving day is worst day in Boston. If you can be somewhere else on that day, I recommend it. And you have to start looking for September lease in April because of competition for apartments, so I was shit-out-of-luck nineteen-year-old getting no paycheck and spending entire signing bonus on awful motel in Revere for one summer. I do not recommend that.
My friends on other teams have told me where they like to stay when they come to Boston to lose to the Raiders. They say the Ritz on the Boston Common (do not say Commons with “s” if you want me to respect you. Just one Common.) is very nice, but I think they only like because is boring, like them. Beds are very comfortable though. I have heard.
If you have good taste and big budget, Mandarin Oriental has very romantic luxury suites, they tell me. Good view, soundproof walls, and jacuzzi bathtub big enough for two. I have never been there myself but my friend tells me they had mindblowing weekend in the Presidential Suite with sexy lover. Sounds like fun.
How to Get Around
Do you like to drive nice cars? This is not the city for you. I have many beautiful sports cars and I keep them all at my home outside the city. They will never see inside of Route 128. This is because Bostonians cannot drive and the streets were designed for cows and not cars. Reminds me of Moscow, not in a good way. So you can rent midsize SUV from Logan Airport and spend your whole trip sitting in traffic, or suck it up and take the T.
What is T? Boston word for public transportation that is approximately one hundred years behind anything in Europe or Asia. So old-fashioned it is kind of charming. In this city, everyone’s favorite activity is talking shit about the T. They love to hate it, because it is very slow and unreliable and parts of the route get closed for something called “signal upgrades” every other week. Every single bus shelter smells like piss. Train operators on the Green Line will yell at you in thick Boston accent if you take too long to reload CharlieCard, and then they look at their phones while in driver’s seat and almost get into car crash. Because Green Line trains in Mission Hill just run through the middle of the street with the cars, it is insane. I fucking love Green Line. Makes ear-splitting screech on tracks going into Boylston Street station, a problem that modern technology has still not solved. Is oldest subway in America, a history nerd told me once. He refuses to ride the T since he does not have a good time with crowds in small spaces, and says fabric seats on Red and Orange Lines are “bacteria magnets” and “I am rich enough that I don’t have to suffer like this, Rozanov,” and then he blows too much money on Uber Black.
The T has ferries which don’t go anywhere useful but are very fun for cheap ten minute boat ride. Do not let them trick you into taking “Silver Line,” everyone pretends this is a train but is not a train. Silver Line is a bus and you will wait forty minutes for overpriced bus, just for it to be full and drive right past you without stopping. I have sent many mean tweets to Silver Line on Twitter but they still do not send more buses.
Activities
Do not try walking Freedom Trail. Basic tourist activity that will bore you to death. You might not have choice if boring history nerd is visiting with you, so if that is the case try your best to look interested while he points out Old South Meeting House and Old State House and Old North Church. Is redundant to put “Old” in front of every place, they are all old. Only cool part is USS Constitution warship, everything else just skip.
For a better time, get stoned and go look at pretty fish at New England Aquarium. They even have nice seals outside that you can say hello to without buying ticket, they are my friends. Watch Red Sox game at Fenway park, so you can sit in hot sun and eat hot dogs and drink beer with most insane sports fans outside of MLH. You are allowed to yell “Fuck the Yankees!” out loud at any time and everyone will agree with you, even if the Sox are playing different team. If someone is wearing Yankees hat, Fenway lets you throw popcorn at them, is special rule.
Do you like art? Institute of Contemporary Art is very cool, not stuffy old museum like Museum of Fine Arts. And is pretty small, so by the time your boring companion starts to complain that they don’t understand contemporary art and their feet hurt, you have already seen all of the art and can leave very quick. ICA is in Seaport neighborhood. To sound like Boston local you must always shake your head and say, “this used to be one big parking lot,” every time you go there.
East Boston is great in the Summer. Is neighborhood of Logan Airport, so perfect place to take visitors before they go home. Tour Downeast Cider factory, and trick your visitor by saying hard cider is basically ginger ale. By the time he figures out you are lying, will be too late and he will be too polite to return his flight of ciders. Then you can watch him make cute faces of disgust while he tries and hates all the ciders.
After, cross the street and take short walk to Piers Park. They have dinky little outdoor gym, you can have pull-up contest while you are still kind of buzzed and your visitor cannot resist the chance to beat you at competition. Do not tell him that this is just a ploy to get him all sweaty and loose. He forgets to be uptight after doing a lot of pull-ups. Then point to some Canada geese and say, “You know this guy? From back home, your neighbor?” And he will look at you like you are actually stupid, and he won’t be able to stop himself from laughing a little bit.
Piers Park secretly has the best view of Boston. Makes it look like real city, with all of the tall buildings standing prettily against the sky. You can walk out to the end of the pier and watch sun set behind the city. Nice sea breeze, water making peaceful water sounds, and always there will be quinceñeras, wedding parties, birthdays, and baby showers all happening around you in the park. You are surrounded by people living their beautiful lives. Sky all pink and orange. Your visitor standing so close to you, but leaning against railing instead of leaning into you like you wish for. Is hard not to feel romantic at sunset. You know all the people are making him feel anxious instead of romantic, so you say, “Follow me.”
In that situation, I would recommend you walk back through the shipyard, until you get to different park called Navy Fuel Pier. You climb over some low hedges at the far end of the park, and ignore visitor panicking about if you’re allowed to go there. Then you can sit on edge of stone wall, looking out over the harbor, closed off from rest of park. Is private. Smells like seaweed little bit. Sometimes, you can see jellyfish in the water. No one knows that Boston Harbor gets jellyfish, is a fun fact to tell visitors. Now, he stops panicking. Now, just before the sun disappears behind Hancock Tower, you can lean in, and he will lean in, and you get to kiss him while seagulls cry. In front of whole city of Boston, where no one can see.
If you are by yourself, this is also good place to sit alone and smoke a cigarette. Watch airplanes land, hate them all for not bringing anyone to visit you. Say hello to ducks and Canada geese. Wish you were in another city, different country, not alone.
Nightlife
Everybody says Boston has no nightlife. This is only half true; if you are regular person, Boston closes at 2 am. If you are famous athlete, there is secret world of all-night clubs that I cannot tell you about. Sorry. But you can go to Royale, is okay club, or the Grand, a little more upscale. Bottle service and all that, girls who will be happy to sit in VIP section with you if you buy them $1,200 bottle of champagne. Actually, if you are over five foot ten and look half decent, you are going to clean up very well in Boston. Men here are short and ugly and the women will fight over good-looking Russian like he is last man on Earth. That is fun sometimes. When I was young, me and Marleau would be going out whenever we could. Wear something nice (in Boston, something nice means anything better than hoodie and basketball shorts), get drunk, meet beautiful women to dance with. But I am not feeling it so much these days. Is not too exciting for me anymore.
Now when I want to get drunk and be left alone, I go to JJ Foley's. Two bars in Boston have this name, have nothing to do with each other, and I will not tell you which is right one. But is very old-school, quiet, and no one bothers you. Not even good vodka, nowhere in Boston has this. Just a place to be miserable in silence. Think about love of your life who is not in Boston, and how you like this city less and less every year that you live in it without him. Bartender knows better than to cut you off. You google “how Russian get Canada citizenship” again like there will be different answer this time. You open Shane Hollander’s Instagram page for millionth time because he does not allow you to have any pictures of him saved on your phone. You pretty much have all of his boring Instagram photos memorized at this point. Does not stop you from scrolling through again.
Where to Eat
I always tell people to try Mexican breakfast at Angela’s Cafe in Eastie. Lots of good Korean food in Allston. Blossom Bar in Brookline is my favorite Chinese restaurant with nice drinks, and I like Thonglor in Brighton for Thai food. When I miss home, Cafe St. Petersburg in Newton has best Russian food.
Boston Raiders players like to eat Italian food in North End because they are not adventurous. I am sometimes meeting teammates at Arya Trattoria, or Carmelina’s, which does have nice pasta. Good for carb loading.
The thing is, I do not actually have time or energy to eat out at these restaurants most days, plus people will bother me to take photographs if they see me in public. So most of the time if there is no one to impress, I am just getting McDonalds or Taco Bell delivery. I do not recommend this at all.
For big foodies, you should probably go across Charles River. Boston restaurants are fun, but Somerville has the real good stuff. I dream every day of cornbread from Sarma. If you are celebrating special occasion, go to Dalí for Spanish tapas. This restaurant is decorated very fun, surrealist style like Salvador Dalí painting, but homey at the same time. Feels like eating in someone’s home kitchen, in a way. Everyone there is celebrating something. While you are convincing your date that patatas bravas definitely fit in his special macrobiotic diet, at least three tables near you are having birthdays. You will know this because servers sing birthday song and flash colored lights for all the birthdays. They bring out a big candlestick shaped like silly frog and make birthday person blow out candle. Your date eats his ceviche, and you feel like he should get to blow out frog candle, too. Is not his birthday, but you are celebrating. It’s your anniversary. Ten years of chasing after the prince of hockey. He didn’t let you tell the host, so no one in the restaurant knows except for him and you. You did think about secretly telling someone it is his birthday just to see him get all red and embarrassed, but you are feeling too soft tonight for pranks. Under the table, he presses his foot against your foot. Above the table, you pretend this is just dinner with a friend. No special occasion. He smiles at you, and the feeling in your chest is better than all the colored lights and frog candlesticks in the world.