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“Come on Ilya, please.”
Shane squeezed Ilya’s hand again, getting a pained whine in response, Shane desperate for Ilya to wake up from his nightmare.
“Shhh, it’s okay, you can wake up now, it’s not real baby,” Shane muttered as he triple checked that the nightstand was clear and the blankets were mostly out of the way, knowing that Ilya was going to flail as soon as he got him to wake up. He shook his hand again, Ilya crying in his sleep, kicking his legs on either side of Shane’s hips as his nightmare plagued him.
“Ilya,” Shane sing-songed, “please baby, you’re scaring me.”
Suddenly Ilya was upright, gasping for air as he ripped his hand from Shane’s and grabbed for the bed, his world spinning as his nightmare was cut off and his eyes were open, taking in the dimly lit bedroom.
“It’s okay, you’re safe,” Shane assured, letting Ilya feel around the bed with his hands and look around the room before finally looking at Shane, trying to blink the fog from his eyes.
“You’re okay, you can touch,” Shane said, holding his hand out as a peace offering, knowing that sometimes Ilya was so disoriented that English was long forgotten, and even his Russian could go spotty. But Ilya always loved physical touch, no matter what state he was in, the slide of their hands grounding him and bringing him back to the present easier.
Ilya was shaking against Shane as he tried to regain his composure, the fog lifting as he woke up more.
“Sorry,” Ilya said between his harsh breaths, “you don’t have to worry.”
“Ilya,” Shane whispered, pulling Ilya into his chest, rocking him gently in his arms.
“I will always worry, just like you worry about me.”
“Okay, fair,” Ilya said as he leaned back a little, rubbing his hands over his face with a groan.
“Was it the same one?” Shane asked, Ilya slowly nodding as he looked down at the mattress, blinking up at Shane.
“I’m sorry,” Shane said.
“We sound so Canadian,” Ilya said, sending a little jolt of humour through the thick air in the room, before looking back down, “I don’t want to sleep anymore.”
“It’s two am though, you need rest,” Shane said, “I think we should maybe-”
Ilya sighed and drew his knees up beside Shane, “we have practice in morning.”
“It’s an optional though, I’ll tell coach we’re not making it in,” Shane said, reaching out and rubbing Ilya’s shoulder, “come on, it’ll be okay, and you’ll get a good night's rest.”
“But I don’t- it’s going to make me-,” Ilya shrugged and made a face at Shane, not wanting to say it out loud.
“Make you go down? That’s okay too,” Shane said, “we don’t have to stick to the days we have off.”
Ilya sighed, hating that he was bound to a choice that his body made when he was twelve, his mama not even there to stop his father from screaming at him when his paperwork came through. A little? Your life is over. What a failure of a son.
What a terrible year.
“I’m going to be home too, and you know it’s my favourite thing to look after you, my little satellite,” Shane said, Ilya smiling softly, wondering how he was gifted with the best husband and caregiver ever.
“Okay, I’m really tired,” Ilya said, Shane kneeling up and kissing his temple and down his cheek.
“The medicine will help with that, it will make you sleepy,” Shane said as he moved off the bed, opening Ilya’s nightstand to pull out his emergency bottle of prescription sleeping pills, breathing out a laugh as he had to find them through all the toys in the drawer.
“Quite a collection you have here,” Shane said, Ilya turning and smiling at the drawer as he wrapped an arm around Shane’s thighs, watching him find the bottle of pills.
“I have a very needy caregiver who likes to bottom,” Ilya joked, pinching Shane’s thigh as he fished a pill out for Ilya.
“Under your tongue, it’ll dissolve,” Shane instructed while he tried to hold in a smile, Ilya staring at him as he opened his mouth and lifted his tongue, Shane popping the pill in. Ilya hummed as he closed his mouth, kissing Shane’s hip as he closed the bottle and tossed it back into the drawer, closing it with a thud.
“Shhhh, you’re okay,” Shane said as Ilya pulled him to the edge of the bed, wrapping both his arms around him and shoving his head into Shane’s tummy.
“I don’t wanna close my eyes,” Ilya said, Shane raking his hands through his hair before sliding his hands down Ilya’s shoulders and back.
“I know, but I’m going to get you all set up and comfy, and I’m going to sit right beside you and make sure all the monsters can’t bother you, how does that sound?” Shane said, Ilya looking up at him with tears in his eyes.
“I love you,” Ilya whispered, Shane bending down and pressing kisses to Ilya’s forehead, before tenderly kissing his mouth.
“I love you too, I’ll be two seconds,” Shane said, Ilya reluctantly letting him go to the bathroom. He wrapped his arms around his knees and tried not to taste the pill that was slowly coating his mouth with its chalkyness, listening to Shane open and close drawers in their ensuite. Finally he heard the light flick off and Shane’s footsteps got louder, Ilya turning his head to the side and laying it on his arms as Shane deposited a few items onto his nightstand.
“Where’s your teddy sweetheart?” Shane asked as his eyes skittered across the bed, Ilya lifting his head and putting his arm under the covers, producing a large, floppy teddy bear from under the sheet.
“There he is, I think he would love a cuddle,” Shane said, Ilya letting out a little whimper as Shane grabbed the blankets and held them up, “why don’t you lay down with him? He’s going to help me keep you safe.”
Ilya didn’t want to, but he followed Shane’s instructions anyways, wiggling down into the covers and holding onto his teddy tight, watching Shane sit down on the edge of the mattress beside him.
“I’m scared,” Ilya whispered, reaching out for Shane, who gladly took his hand and held it tight.
“I know sweetheart,” Shane said as he stroked Ilya’s cheek with his free hand.
“I’m not supposed to have them anymore,” Ilya said, “I took my pill, right?”
“Yes, you did, but it might need adjusting. Galina said that if the nightmares were happening again than to tell her, so maybe we can do that tomorrow afternoon, how does that sound?” Shane asked, Ilya nodding as Shane caught his tears on his fingertips. Shane bent down and kissed Ilya’s forehead, Ilya turning his head to the side as kisses were trailed down his temple, even as he took in shaky breaths and squeezed Shane’s hand, hard.
“I don’t want it,” Ilya whispered as he looked at the pristine diaper that sat on his nightstand, Shane trying to hide it behind a pack of baby wipes, but Ilya could still see it poking out. He knew that there was probably a soother sitting there too, his mind craving the comfort of being a child in his mothers arms.
“Don’t look, I’ll get you comfy when you’re drowsy, okay?” Shane said, turning Ilya’s head away with a finger on his chin. A few more tears fell down his temples, trickling into his hair.
“How long?” Ilya asked, Shane looking over at his alarm clock.
“Maybe five, ten minutes, it usually kicks in pretty fast,” Shane said, tenderly touching and wiping away Ilya’s tears.
“Okay,” Ilya whispered, keeping his eyes on Shane while he tried not to think too hard, focusing on the soft fur of his teddy and how well Shane always looked after him. It was easier when Shane started kissing him, trailing kisses all over his face and down his neck, pressing a few to his shoulder as Ilya just started to feel the medicine kicking in. Shane had just finished kissing along each of his collarbones when he felt Ilya’s hand relax in his own.
“Starting to feel sleepy?” Shane asked as he sat up a little, looking down at Ilya, who was starting to blink slowly.
“Yeah, the medicine is starting,” Ilya said with a deep breath, hating that he was being forced to relax, but also loving the warm, floaty feeling that was creeping over him. He was glad that Shane was always here when he needed this medicine, because there was always a little piece of him that craved this feeling, and he was far too scared that he would chase it if he was alone. Shane’s fingers tracing his cheekbones and jaw kept him grounded though, safe as his eyes started to droop and his muscles fully relaxed against the sheets.
“Okay, let’s get you comfy,” Shane said, Ilya hearing himself whine, but it felt distant, like it was from someone else.
“Shhh, you’re okay, I’m going to move you a little bit,” Shane said, standing and putting Ilya’s hand over his chest. He moved the blankets out of the way so he could pick up Ilya’s legs and get his underwear off, tossing them on the floor before resting Ilya down to grab the diaper. Ilya scrunched his face at the sound of the crinkly material, Shane kissing his knee before lifting up his legs and bum again, wiggling the diaper underneath him.
Ilya felt like he only blinked for a second, but suddenly he was all wrapped up and Shane was tucking him in, Ilya letting out a breathy whine as Shane started to move away from him.
“It’s okay, I’m right here,” Shane said as he walked down the bed, touching Ilya’s shin through the blanket so he knew he wasn’t leaving, “just going to my side.”
Ilya settled as Shane climbed up on the bed beside him, facing him, his phone in hand. Ilya snuck a hand out of his cocoon and flopped it onto Shane’s lap, loosely grabbing Shane’s hip with it.
“I just have to text Wiebe, okay? Give me two seconds,” Shane said, Ilya not even nodding his head, his breath deepening as Shane texted their coach quickly. He set his phone down quietly on the nightstand when he was done, holding Ilya’s hand as he stretched to turn off the light.
“That’s good,” Shane whispered as he turned back to Ilya, seeing that he had closed his eyes and fallen asleep in the little bit of moonlight that was slipping through their curtains. Shane shuffled himself back under the covers, resting his head down on Ilya’s shoulder, unconcerned when Ilya didn’t wrap his arm around Shane’s shoulders.
—
Ilya wasn’t in bed.
He could feel the back of their couch behind him, even through his terrible brain fog. He could hear Shane moving around in the kitchen near him, things opening and closing softly, like he was trying to not wake Ilya up.
Sometimes this happened when Ilya took a sleeping pill, he would wake up somewhere else in the house because Shane had things to do, but didn’t want Ilya to wake up alone. He claimed that Ilya was always more disoriented when he woke up alone, but Ilya wasn’t sure if that was true because he always felt disoriented after taking a pill. He couldn’t tell if it was worse or better when Shane was there or not, but he kinda just took Shane’s word for it anyways. Shane was trustworthy.
Ilya couldn’t will his eyes to open yet, even as he heard Shane’s footsteps get louder, sitting on the couch near Ilya, a familiar clunk of a glass being set down on their coffee table. Ilya heard a blanket shuffle and the soft slide of a book being picked up - Shane keeping himself very quiet, completely oblivious to the fact that Ilya could hear what he was doing.
Ilya really wanted to stretch and move his body, but it wasn’t ready yet, the medicine in his system trying to lull him back to sleep again. He felt himself drift off again, unsure about how long he was out. He heard Shane turn a page of his book, relieved that he was still sitting beside him. Ilya tried flexing his toes and he was pretty sure that they listened, deciding to try and stretch out finally.
Shane put his book down and was immediately by Ilya’s side as he moved and blearily blinked his eyes open, whimpering as he felt his crotch get warm and wet. He didn’t want that to happen.
“Hey baby, good morning,” Shane said sweetly, rubbing Ilya’s back as he tried to lift his head, which felt way too difficult to do. He whined again before flopping back down, exhausted.
“I know, it’s just the medicine still, makes you all floppy at first,” Shane explained, Ilya whining loudly.
“Shhh, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” Shane said, pushing the blanket down to peek at Ilya’s diaper, “oh, time for a change, huh?”
Ilya sighed a little as Shane grabbed him under the arms and hoisted him up like he wasn’t two hundred pounds of deadweight. He knew his legs were barely able to hook onto Shane’s hips, his head resting on Shane’s shoulder as his arms hung down. Shane carried him easily though, perks of having a big buff boyfriend I guess.
“There, a soft spot for my baby,” Shane said as he laid Ilya on their bed, the duvet perfectly stretched out and tucked in from whenever Shane had gotten them up, having come back and made their bed while Ilya slept. The diaper supplies were still on Ilya’s nightstand though, Shane using them to strip Ilya and clean him up, before taping a fresh diaper to him.
“You’re such a good boy,” Shane said as he crawled up on the bed beside Ilya, “I know it’s tough baby.”
Ilya whined in the back of his throat as Shane cuddled up to him, rubbing his chest and arms to comfort him.
“You were really, really good for me, no need to worry, you can wake up slowly,” Shane was softly talking, Ilya loving it as the medication started to wear off more and more, “you can keep being soft even later, if you want, we have no plans today, all day to recover and lounge around and do nothing.”
Ilya moaned softly in his throat as he looked up at Shane, clumsily reaching up for him. His body felt so sluggish that he dropped his hand before he could touch though, Shane smiling and taking Ilya’s hand across his chest, rubbing his knuckles with his thumb.
“I’m right here sweetheart,” Shane whispered, drinking in Ilya’s soft expression. Ilya squeezed his fingers before trying to pull their hands to his mouth, his brain wanting something to suck on.
“Ah ah, that’s yucky, we don’t like germy fingers in our mouth, do we?” Shane said, keeping Ilya’s hand away from his mouth as he sat up for a moment. Ilya tried to pull his hand away as soon as Shane turned back to him, a pale blue soother in his hand.
“Shhh, you would like something to suck, right? This won’t hurt you,” Shane said, holding Ilya’s hand down as he bumped the soother against Ilya’s mouth, much to Ilya’s dismay. He tried to turn his head away but Shane persisted, pushing the rubber past his lips and bumping it against his teeth.
“Come on baby, you’ll like it once you taste it,” Shane said, Ilya frowning but letting the nub go into his mouth, the flavour of strawberries flooding his tongue from the soap Shane used to clean his soothers. He couldn’t help giving it a suck, his brain short-circuiting and plunging him into his littlespace, where medications and diagnoses and hockey didn’t matter, only his Shane mattered - his super-duper-wonderful Papa was all he wanted.
Ilya whined loudly as he thrashed a little bit, Shane cooing to him, knowing that Ilya didn’t always like the feeling of going down, the hormone surge almost painful at times. Ilya stopped after a few seconds though, his eyes rolling back as he tried to grab onto Shane.
“Shhh, I’m right here,” Shane said, helping Ilya sit up a bit so he could tuck his head into Shane’s neck, “good boy, I know it’s uncomfortable at first.”
Shane sat and rocked Ilya gently, listening to his little upset breaths and quiet suckles, until he started to settle again, lifting his head to look around the bed. He looked a little worried, his tired eyes looking at Shane.
“B’nky,” Ilya mumbled behind his soother, Shane reaching up and brushing a curl out of his eye.
“Your blankey is on the couch still, why don’t we go and get it and I’ll get you some breakfast too,” Shane said, shifting Ilya onto his hip, scooting off the bed with Ilya in his arms.
“Would you like pjs, or no sweetie?” Shane asked, Ilya shaking his head ‘no’ against Shane’s shoulder.
“Okay, just blankey,” Shane said, taking Ilya back down to the couch in their living room. He sat him down and Ilya whined at the loss of contact, Shane rubbing his knee as he searched through the couch to pull out Ilya’s beloved blanket, an ultra soft, pale pink blanket that Ilya couldn’t live without when he was little. He wrapped it around Ilya’s shoulders, the feeling of it making his shoulders drop mildly. Shane tucked his legs in with another blanket, Ilya looking much more cozy than before.
“I’m going to make you a bottle, okay? I’ll be just over there for a few minutes,” Shane told Ilya, pointing to the kitchen that was barely ten feet away from the couch. That didn’t matter to Ilya though, he immediately had tears in his eyes as Shane walked away, his brain swimming with hormones and medication still.
“I’m right here baby, you’re going to be okay,” Shane said as he heard the sniffles start up from Ilya, watching him shift his legs up onto the couch, gripping his blanket like his life depended on it.
“Sweetie, it’s okay, I’m getting you some yummy milk,” Shane tried, but Ilya was too mentally young to understand, two fat tears dripping down his cheeks as he started to fully cry. Shane felt his stress levels rise as he poured milk into one of Ilya’s bottles, setting it in the warmer as he hunted for Ilya’s favourite formula.
“I know baby, I know I’m too far away,” Shane said as Ilya started to sob, Shane’s caregiver instincts feeling all haywire as he pulled the formula out, dumping two scoops of it into Ilya’s bottle.
“Ilyaaa,” Shane sweetly sing-songed to him, “can you look at me baby?”
Ilya choked out a sob before looking up at Shane, his eyes all red and puffy already, “look, I’m right here, I’m getting you your bottle.”
Ilya held his hand out for a second before dropping it, his shoulders crumpling as he wished for Shane to come back to him.
“Thirty more seconds baby, I’ll be right there,” Shane said, willing the bottle warmer to hurry it up, occupying his hands by putting the lid back on the formula, sliding it to the back of the counter for later.
Finally the bottle warmer beeped, Shane taking the bottle out and mixing in the formula, screwing the lid on the bottle as he rushed back to Ilya.
“Hey, hey, yeah, I’m right here baby,” Shane said as Ilya reached for him, grasping onto Shane’s shirt as he reached out and wiped some of Ilya’s tears from his cheeks.
“Come on my little satellite, let’s get comfy,” Shane said, putting the bottle down on the end table before scooping Ilya up, sitting down with him in his lap.
“There we go, you’re so safe baby, I’ve got you,” Shane said, adjusting the blankets to make sure Ilya stayed warm and covered. Ilya buried his head into Shane’s chest, tangling his fingers into Shane’s shirt as his sobs started to settle down.
“Yeah, it’s all good baby, everything’s alright,” Shane cooed, rocking Ilya gently in his arms.
“Look, even teddy is here, you were never alone,” Shane said as his elbow bumped the soft toy that had gotten partially jammed beside him, so he pulled it out and tucked it into Ilya’s chest, one of his hands coming down and grabbing onto its fur. Shane continued soothing Ilya until he had cried himself out, turning his head to the side a little bit.
“Are you hungry? Would you like a bit of your bottle?” Shane asked, pulling Ilya’s soother from his lips before offering him the bottle, Ilya latching on and humming at the taste.
“I know, I got one of your favourites,” Shane said, adjusting Ilya so he leant back a little more, easily sucking in the formula. Shane let the silence of a calm house settle over them, Ilya still a little dopey on his medication and headspace, his eyes eventually sliding shut as he nursed.
“I’m just readjusting,” Shane said once Ilya finished his bottle, returning his soother to his mouth before he laid them both down on the couch, cuddling up for a well deserved nap.
—
“Okay, thank you so much.”
“Perfect, I’ll let him know.”
“I know, I’m way too lucky.”
“Thank you, we’ll update you soon.”
“Thanks- thanks- yes, have a good day- bye.”
—
Ilya groaned as he felt himself being picked up, rolling his head on Shane’s shoulder as he tried to get into a comfortable position.
“I know, I’m sorry baby,” Shane whispered, crouching down to grab a blanket, throwing it over Ilya’s back before grabbing his teddy as well, “you’re wet and a rash would be no fun.”
“Ti’rd,” Ilya mumbled as Shane laid him on their bed again, tucking the blanket over Ilya and snuggling his teddy on his chest. Ilya moaned and stretched and rubbed his eyes as Shane dealt with his lower half, tucking him into a clean diaper.
“I’m tired too, baby, but I think we should get some food into you, okay?” Shane said, not really making a move to pick up Ilya yet, instead he sat down beside him and stroked his hair, Ilya’s eyes closing at the feeling.
Shane laid down and snuggled up to Ilya, holding him so tightly in his chest, knowing that it wasn’t easy to have days like this. Shane could see the tired circles under Ilya’s eyes and how the medication taxed his body, making his usually happy little boy sleep through the majority of a day. Ilya turned his head and looked down at him, reaching out to grab at Shane’s pinky on the hand that was resting on his chest.
“Mmm, my little satellite,” Shane said before stretching up and kissing the button of Ilya’s soother. Ilya smiled at the nickname, never wanting to leave Shane’s orbit.
“Okay, food,” Shane said, “I’m sure that tummy is hungry.”
Ilya was in a calmer headspace now that the day had gone long, willing to sit at the opposite side of the island and colour as Shane prepared some of their pre-made soup from the freezer. Ilya loved vegetable soup when he was big, and was even more delighted with it when he was little.
“There’s letters Papa!” Ilya said when Shane slid the bowl in front of him, a soft, silicone covered spoon tucked on the plate underneath.
“I know baby! Are you going to tell me all the words you see as you eat?” Shane asked, sitting on the chair beside him.
“Yes!” Ilya said, delightfully telling Shane each English and Russian word he saw in his soup, Shane a little curious if some of the Russian ones were made up, receiving little giggles instead of a translation when he asked. The sun set as they ate, bathing Ilya in a soft glow, his curls frizzy and all over the place from all of his napping.
Eventually Ilya put his spoon down and returned to his colouring as Shane finished eating, taking their bowls and putting them in the dishwasher before getting two of Ilya’s pills out, carefully cutting one of them in half with a knife. He filled a sippy cup with water before walking around the island again, gently rubbing Ilya’s warm back.
“Sweetie, I need you to open up for a second,” Shane said, Ilya putting his crayon down and twisting to look at Shane.
“Sleepy pill?” Ilya said with a frown, Shane always impressed that Ilya could remember that he had different medications, even when he was little.
“No, your happy pill,” Shane said, opening his hand to show Ilya the pill and a half in his palm.
“I take only one,” Ilya said, shying away mildly.
“I know, but I talked to the doctor and she said you can have one and a half,” Shane said, Ilya tilting his head. “It’ll help keep the monsters away.”
“You talk to her?” Ilya asked, looking like a confused puppy.
“Yeah, I take care of you, so I can talk to her for help sometimes,” Shane said, hating that he had to call her by himself, but sometimes that’s just what you had to do as a caregiver. Of course he would call his littles therapist when he knows his little is struggling.
“She said that it’ll help keep your dreams happy,” Shane said, Ilya twisting his mouth before opening up, letting Shane put the pills on his tongue. He passed him his sippy cup quickly and helped him drink, washing the pills down his throat, Ilya being a good boy and showing Shane his tongue when he was done.
“Would you like a bath and stars now? How does that sound?” Shane asked, letting Ilya have his sippy cup to himself.
“Yes please,” Ilya said, all settled and sweet as Shane took him to the bathroom and got him all ready for bed, soft skin and the scent of lavender coming off of Ilya as he was swaddled in Shane’s arms.
“Stars now?” Ilya asked as Shane picked up his iPad from the nightstand, Ilya never really being a bedtime story kind of little, but Shane did discover that he loves to look at the app that shows all the stars and planets before bed. They spend ten minutes or so looking around the Milky Way, Ilya looking up at Shane with big eyes as he shows him the Big Dipper.
“Papa,” Ilya says, catching Shane’s attention.
“Yes baby?”
“Mama’s star?” Ilya asks, Shane smiling and bringing the iPad into their laps from where he had been holding it up.
“Of course baby, let’s find it,” Shane said, navigating away from the app to a website that shows some very special stars, including the one that Shane had bought for Ilya, a present from after they had made their first donation from the Irina foundation, Ilya sobbing when Shane gave him the letter.
“There she is, right out the window tonight baby,” Shane said, pointing the iPad to where the website was telling him the star was, Ilya looking and then resting his head on Shane’s chest, his eyes tracking out the window, Shane setting the iPad down on the bed.
“Mama,” Ilya whispered, Shane holding him close and kissing his head as they stared out the window, eventually drifting off in the starlight.