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Violent rage pounded in Logan’s skull. His vision was a blur of red and black, of shadowed shapes closing in on him in an endless tide. A snarl tore from his throat as he whirled to strike out with his claws, but it was never enough. A million battles raced through his mind, a million bodies piling under him. It would never be enough.
Logan would never be enough.
His eyes opened with a snap, claws prickling just beneath his skin, his senses on high alert for threats through his blurred vision in the dim darkness surrounding him.
A weight pressed against his chest, the soft breathing of someone else inches from him reaching his ears. A faint scent of burning. Claws released from between his knuckles as he startled forward—and froze in place, every muscle stilled.
No. Not burning. It was the familiar sulfur scent of lit matches. Of Kurt.
Reality began to lock back into place around him, the grip of adrenaline releasing its hold over his mind.
It was just another nightmare. He breathed out deeply.
He was in his room at the mansion. The devilish mutant was curled up on his chest, arms folded in front of him. Peacefully asleep, his comforting, familiar presence working to soothe Logan’s racing nerves.
The parts of Kurt the early morning’s light didn’t fall on looked like a living shadow atop him, but Logan would always know him. One long, pointed ear that was the source of Logan’s fond nickname, elf, stuck up into the air, while the other pressed against his chest. Curls of short dark hair sprawled over his arms, and a spade-tipped tail fell across the sheets next to him. A soft smile worked its way over his face as he watched the rise and fall of his chest, matching his breaths as he steadied himself.
Logan began to lift a hand to rest atop him. But before he could move, his vision came sharply into focus where the faint light of dawn caught against the sharp edge of Logan's claws, inches from the other mutant’s face.
Fear and shame climbed within him again like wildfire at the sight, Logan’s breath catching in his throat.
The other man shuffled slightly in his sleep from where Logan had moved. Content, and completely unaware of the mortal danger he had been in moments ago
Logan tilted his head back with a deep sigh, and willed his claws to retract deep under his skin as his arms dropped to his sides, even as his heart pounded like an animal throwing itself against its cage.
Damnit.
Kurt always felt so damned safe around him. Logan, the man whose hands had seen more blood than anyone in the entire mansion. The man who was quicker to jump to a fight than anyone, who saw threats around every corner. Who’d had to hold himself from skewering anyone who snuck up on him too quickly.
Logan loved him deeply, but the thought always clawed at the back of his mind, that Kurt would one day wake up and see him with different eyes, see him as so many had before. A threat, a loose cannon, just waiting to snap.
Today, at least, would not be that day, he thought, as he willed his muscles to relax and his pulse to steady.
But one day, he always feared, one of his nightmares would take him too far. He’d woken up enough times with his claws shredded through his sheets in a tangled mess to have been terrified of anyone sleeping next to him, let alone curled on top of him. But the elf’s pleading eyes had won him over as he begged to stay with Logan.
I can teleport, liebling, Kurt had protested against his concerns with a soft, reassuring smile. I’ll be fine. Then he’d reached out to kiss him, and all Logan’s objections had faded away.
Maybe he would rest better with the company, he had thought, hope stirring in his chest despite the fear. He always did feel calmer around the elf.
And yet, here they were. That hope shattered in an instant.
Logan reached a still-trembling hand out to run his fingers through the curls of the elf’s dark hair in soothing motions. Kurt pressed deeper against his chest in sleep, certainly not ready to teleport to safety.
Liar, Logan thought now in response, as he took another deep steadying breath. Quieting the instincts that begged to shove him off and run deep into the woods where there was no one he could put in danger.
He curled his fingers against the elf’s hair with one hand, while he laid the other arm over the other man’s shoulders to bring him closer in a soft squeeze, Logan’s muscles slowly relaxing as he felt the soft velvet texture of Kurt’s fur against his skin, reassuring himself that no injuries lay beneath—none caused by him, at least.
He couldn't keep doing this, he knew. He couldn't bear to ever hurt him. Even as the elf brought him more peace than he'd ever known, one day it would end with Logan’s claws buried in his heart.
A deep, rumbling purr rolled over him as Kurt melted into his touch, Logan’s thoughts momentarily pushed away in a wave of affection.
Logan loved him. With every part of Logan that still felt human, he loved him.
Two glowing lights flickered to life before him as the elf tilted his head up with a soft, sleepy chirp.
“Mornin’, elf,” Logan said with a smile, trying his best to smooth the tremble from his voice. He cupped a hand against the side of Kurt’s face, rubbing a thumb over the soft fur of his cheek. Kurt’s eyes closed with the motion in a contended arc as the shadows ran back over his face, another quiet purr rumbling from his chest as he leaned into his touch.
“Not morning yet,” Kurt protested in a voice heavy with sleep, shifting and settling back down on his chest. Logan exhaled a soft laugh, tilting his head towards the faint light reaching through his window.
“I am comfortable, mein Logan. Do not make me leave,” Kurt said at his look, golden eyes meeting his own in a pleading look as the dim glow of his eyes spilled back over his expression.
“Alright, elf,” Logan said with a chuckle. “A little longer.”
Kurt smiled, curling up tighter against his chest, head nestled above folded arms and spade-tipped tail wrapped around him. Like an absolute cat.
It was the most precious sight he had ever beheld.
But Logan didn’t deserve it.
He closed his eyes, as his hand stilled from its repetitive motions against Kurt’s fur.
A little longer. A little longer, and then he would have to stop this, before Kurt’s affections got the man hurt.
But for now, he could hold him close. His fingers tightened against Kurt, as he buried his face in the other man’s shoulder, a shaking, desperate inhale of breath escaping from him before he could hold it in.
Kurt’s purring abruptly stopped.
“What’s wrong, liebling?” Kurt asked, concern flooding the golden pools of his eyes.
Logan sighed, his gaze sliding away to stare instead towards a dark corner of his room.
“Another nightmare,” he answered.
Kurt looked to him with sympathy, shifting into a sitting position. “It is alright, Logan. it is just me and you. We are safe here,” he said, taking Logan’s hands in his own as Logan rose to meet him, leaning against the back of his bed to steady him.
He was grateful for the space to breathe properly, even as his hands clung to Kurt’s, chasing the contact.
“It ain't that. I'm used to bad dreams,” he said with a shake of his head, even as the visions of his dream had faded from his memory to a haze of intangible fear. “It’s that any time it happens, any time something… frightens me, these claws want to answer.”
He removed his hands from Kurt to bring one in front of his face, allowing the adamantium claws to break free of his skin with a sharp intake of breath. He felt a coil of tension within unwind, the primal part of his brain relieved to have defenses before him. Between him and the newfound source of his fear.
“And they did. It’s not safe for you to be so close, elf,” he said, voice shaking. “If… if I’d been a second later in coming to my senses, I could’a hurt you. An’ you weren’t teleporting like you said you would.”
Logan looked to him with a serious expression. “You were sound asleep. And you looked damn adorable, but you weren’t safe.”
He saw the way the elf’s eyes fixed on the shine of the metal. Heard the way his breath stilled, the way the end of his tail curled in and out of a tight ball against the sheets in an anxious motion. Could scent a hint of his fear in the air between them.
Logan breathed out, eyes dropping in sorrow as he gave a faint shake of his head.
“I love ya’, darlin’. You know I do. But these will always be somethin’ between us,” He said, flexing his claws.
The elf leaned closer, and behind the adamantium barrier Logan took in all the planes of his face, the way the shadows and light separated to paint his fine indigo fur in the most beautiful canvas.
Kurt’s lips parted to speak, and Logan awaited with despairing eyes to hear the words that would come next, his heart dropping even as he begged to hear it, to release him from this constant worry.
Instead, he received a soft, careful kiss upon the edge of one metal claw.
“I’ll take the risk, liebling.”
Logan sat in stunned silence, as Kurt pulled his arm closer, lacing his fingers between Logan’s, fitting perfectly in the gaps between his claws, looking up with a pleading glance.
And Logan understood, the fear radiating from the elf hadn’t been for the claws between them. It had been from the thought that Logan might end things.
He knew, deep in his heart, he never could. He wanted the elf. He wanted the elf so intensely that it scared him to his very bones to imagine losing him. But he would continue giving Kurt the chance to put that distance between him, part of him begging that he would take it and spare him the pain. History had told him enough times that for Logan, to be close to someone was to only lose them faster.
“I wouldn’t want to live with myself if something happened. I need to know that you understand the danger. This ain’t a game. I could’a killed you,” he said, voice shaking. “Elf, I woke up with my claws right in front of your face. An’ it won’t be the last time if you stay.”
“I do understand, Logan,” he said with wide, soft eyes, and damnit, Logan wanted those eyes to look at him forever.
“I understand, and I would be with you anyway,” Kurt continued, dropping his hand down to rub a thumb over his wrist in soothing circles. “I have never felt safer than when I am with you. I beg of you again, Logan, please, do not ask me to leave.”
Logan sighed, his eyes softening. Point made, he finally allowed his claws to retract back into his skin, suppressing a flinch at the action, as he leaned forward to rest his forehead against Kurt’s.
“I won’t ever leave ya’, elf,” he said after a moment. “I won’t. I just… it scares me. How much you mean to me.”
“I know,” Kurt consoled him, a hand reaching behind him to tangle into Logan’s hair as he melted into the touch. “It will get better, and I will be here with you as it does. And I promise you, Logan, I know what I am getting into. There is no soul on God’s Earth I trust more.”
“Alright,” Logan conceded, breathing out. “Alright. A little longer. Come back to sleep.”
A relieved smile made its way back onto Kurt’s face as the other man’s arms surrounded him, before burying his face into Logan’s neck as Kurt pushed them back into the bed. Logan laughed at the force, before wrapping his arms around Kurt to pull him in closer.
He never would stop being afraid. But he could bear it, just to keep seeing that sweet smile turned his way.
Kurt believed that he would be okay. And that was something that Logan had never believed himself.
But he could trust in Kurt.
He would hold him for as long as he wished.