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Dr. Barbara Ann Minerva had earned 2 PhDs and spoke eight languages fluently (while being passable in another seven) by the time she turned 26. She (or at least her feline alter-ego Cheetah) was also currently rated (by the superheroine herself, so it was hard to imagine a more appropriate judge) one of Wonder Woman's top three nemeses alongside a sorceress old enough that she'd been in the Odyssey, and a literal god of war. It was, suffice to say, not unreasonable to argue that she was a woman accomplishing quite a bit with her life.
The only thing more unquestionable than the nature of her accomplishments… was the fact that right now she was strapped to a rocket.
That was something less than ideal, though, for whatever it was worth, at least she was technically in good company. Because at this moment, while Barbara Ann Minerva was strapped to Vergeltungswaffen-2 (because, of course, it was named that) right next to her, chained to Vergeltungswaffen-1 was Batman.
Yellow utility belt, blue trunks, grey costume, dark blue cowl, black bat logo over the chest, the whole nine yards. Now, granted, it might just be some especially unlucky random person wearing a Batman costume, but since it wasn't like Barbara was going anywhere at the moment, she might as well do what she did best (besides transform into a feline demigoddess to pick fights with her own girlfriend), and research the matter.
"So… are you actually Batman?"
"I am Dr. Minerva, and I'm sorry you had to get caught up in this." The archeologist decided that she might as well take her fellow prisoner's words on the matter; nobody, only pretending to be Batman, would probably sound that calm in this situation.
"Well, I mean, Diana will be along to rescue me… well, us, fairly soon, right?" The fear in Barbara's voice was not entirely feigned.
Yes, the chains that currently bound her arms had obviously been designed to hold a normal human, so if she transformed into Cheetah, she could snap them without breaking a sweat, but right now that would be a surefire case of the cure being worse than the disease. The last thing Barbara wanted was to reveal her alter ego to a founding member of the Justice League (who would waste no time in telling it to Diana).
Now in (based on the computer screen in front of her) a depressingly short amount of time when Vergeltungswaffen-2 went airborne and it might soon become "do or die" Barbara was perfectly willing to rethink that particular position, but for right now, she'd rather hope that Wonder Woman would arrive to pull the archeologist's currently non-existent tail out of the fire before she had to do something drastic to rescue herself.
"It's okay, I mean, this isn't the first time a supervillain has kidnapped me to try and get to Diana. That, and at least being chained to a rocket is more dignified than death by gigantic mouse trap." Barbara admitted.
Technically, the mouse trap had actually been normal-sized; it was just that she'd been shrunken at the time, but Barbara didn't see the point in explaining such trivialities.
"The most important thing is to remain calm," Batman advised, which he certainly seemed to be doing an extremely good job at.
Granted, he was Batman, Barbara had found herself placed in a death trap twice in her life so far, for him, it was probably happening every other week.
"How beautifully ironic that the very 'Gateway City Peace Conference' Wonder Woman sponsored will have gathered so many of the greatest servants of International Jewry in one place, allowing me to crush them like the vermin they are!" The woman who had previously introduced herself as Baroness Paula Von Gunther declared, while clenching a fist in what she probably believed qualified as a dramatic fashion.
"That barely even counts as irony!" Barbara shouted down at the blond baroness.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that Batman was focusing his gaze on her, rather than their captor.
"Sorry, heckling supervillains is my favorite form of stress relief." Barbara apologized to her fellow captive.
"Flash says the same thing." Batman's delivery was so deadpan he might have been telling a joke, or he might have been completely serious; the archeologist had no way of being sure.
Damn it, Diana already said my quips as Cheetah reminded her of him, I don't need to be getting this from TWO founding Justice League members!
"So could you explain to me how Eva Braun over there somehow hasn't realized that the Third Reich collapsed seven decades ago?" There was an almost comical number (indeed, if she hadn't been currently tied to a rocket, it would have been comical) of Reichsadlers perched atop Swastikas stamped here, there, and everywhere on the equipment of their captor and her minions.
"Paula Von Gunther and her men are part of Adolf Hitler's 'Letzte Bataillon' program, a thousand of the most diehard SS soldiers, who were put into cryogenic suspension to emerge into the world 'after the degenerate nature of the allied cause inevitably left them weak and vulnerable.'" For once Batman allowed some emotion into his voice, indeed his tones were openly dripping with sarcasm, he even took the time to make "finger quotes" just so there was no chance he'd be misunderstood.
"Wait, so they're not even Neo-Nazis? They're just straight-up Nazi-Nazis? Hey, Ilsa, I am going to have such a big smile on my face when my bisexual Amazon girlfriend kicks your 'Aryan' ass!" Barbara hollered while straining against her chains so that their clattering would help get the Baroness' attention.
"You and your deviant sexual practices are an insult to a woman's true place in the world: Kinder, Küche, Kirche!" Paula snapped back at Barbara.
"Bullshit! If you actually believed that, then there would be a Baron Von Gunther currently threatening me while you were barefoot and pregnant!" Barbara riposted without missing a beat.
Baroness Von Gunther gestured toward some of her guards, who pointed their (surprisingly high-tech for frozen WW2 Nazis) weapons at her, and raised an eyebrow, daring the archeologist to say another word.
She dared.
"What are you gonna do? I'm chained to a rocket, they shoot me, they damage the rocket, they damage the rocket, it might explode on launch and foil your evil scheme!" Barbara pointed out.
"Next time, gags." Huffed Paula, obviously regretting that particular oversight as she gestured for her men to stand at ease.
Honestly, Barbara wished she could have been properly deriding her captor in the Baroness' native tongue, but alas, German was one of the seven languages that Barbara was only passable in (and it didn't help that she spoke it with a Saxonian accent), so technically, Paula probably spoke English better than Barbara did German.
The archeologist took another look at exactly how long she had left before Vergeltungswaffen-2 launched, and decided she might as well make her final seconds (as a woman with a secret identity) count.
"The moment that Diana gets here, she's going to lick you and your goosestepping goons more thoroughly than she does my cl*t!" Barbara cried out with a fiery passion.
"Was that really necessary?" Batman asked the question in tones most people might have used upon discovering that the archaeologist had only tipped 5% after a meal.
"Who are you offended on behalf of, the Nazis?" Barbara would have gestured towards their captors for emphasis, if not for the fact that her hands were still very much chained to a rocket.
"Very amusing, Fraulein Minerva, but I'm afraid at the moment she's quite busy dealing with: Armageddon, Baron Blitzkrieg, Gundra, and Red Panzer!" Cackled Paula.
Damn it, I really wish I could transform right now, not because it would let me escape but because I'd be able to say something cool like "I'm actually more of a feline Minerva..." before I started punching and or clawing her fascist face.
"You really thought only four supervillains would be enough?" A voice that was music to the archaeologist's ears announced from up above.
The inevitable downside to any evil scheme that involved launching rockets was that it required your lair to possess an opening through which those rockets could be launched. At the moment, there was a red, blue, and gold-clad Amazon Princess who was (based on her upright stance) perched on the wing of her invisible jet directly above this particular base's opening.
"Stop her!" Paula commanded.
A full dozen Nazi henchmen in primitive power armor started shooting, for all the good that did them.
Diana simply jumped into open air and let gravity guide her down into the Baroness' base while her arms moved with the speed of Hermes, deflecting every attack that might have otherwise struck her.
The problem with guns was that they had magazines, and magazines eventually ceased to hold unspent ammunition.
"Are you all right, Barbara?" Diana risked a glance backwards once all of her assailants found themselves needing a few seconds to reload.
"I could be worse. My arms are getting a little sore, but at least now I've got a wonderful view." The archeologist answered with a look that didn't so much border on lascivious as was actively planning to hold a rigged referendum before annexing it.
"Batman?" The Amazon Princess addressed her costumed teammate.
"Diana." Her fellow Justice League member nodded to her politely, as if they were just walking past each other on the way to the coffee machine.
Having fulfilled her social and occupational obligations, Diana got down to business.
WHACK!
POW!
BIFF!
Wonder Woman's attacks sent authoritarian assholes flying in all directions while Barbara watched with considerable enthusiasm. So much so, that she almost failed to notice that her fellow captive was taking advantage of their guards being distracted (say better trounced) to activate some kind of welding torch built into his glove's left index finger, and start flame cutting his way to freedom.
Inside tens seconds of Diana genuinely entering the fray, Paula Von Gunther was the only Nazi still standing.
"I'd normally give a longer speech right now, but assuming that clock behind you is accurate..." The Amazon Princess began her warning.
"Of course it is accurate, German science is the finest in the world!" Even in the face of Diana's wrath, Paula refused to be cowed, which was idiocy of the highest order in a certain Archeologist's opinion.
"Since I don't have much time... Baroness Von Gunther, I will either walk past you, or over you, the choice is yours."
"I have seen the future your path leads to Amazon: miscegenation run rampant, degenerates proudly flaunting their perversity in public, Jews building their temples in Berlin! There can be no greater shame than for a race of warriors like yours than..." The supervillainess's filibuster came to an abrupt close when Diana kneed her in the stomach.
"To start with, my sisters and I are peacemakers." Wonder Woman corrected Paula.
"Ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant..." The blond-haired villainess spat back as she slapped some hidden button on her outfit that caused it to abruptly transform into a suit of high-tech power armor, complete with a face-concealing helmet.
The transformation came quickly enough that she took Diana by surprise and punched her hard enough to send Wonder Woman flying backwards toward Vergeltungswaffen-2, though the Amazon Princess flipped herself around in midair and gracefully braced her feet against the rocket rather than being smashed into it.
"Toss that Teutonic twit back in the trash heap of history where she belongs, babe." Barbara encouraged her girlfriend.
Diana didn't waste time saying anything in response, but she did wink.
Then she kicked off against the rocket and flew straight at the Baroness.
WHACK!
POW!
BIFF!
CLANG!
Diana's final attack shattered Paula Von Gunther's helmet with a sound not unlike the bell accompanying the end of a boxing round. As for the Baroness herself, her "fine" features would probably be "polluted" by a pair of black eyes when next she regained consciousness.
Speaking of time, though… while Paula's armor hadn't come close to making her a match for Diana, it had allowed her to hold off the heroine until there were only three seconds left on the countdown.
Wonder Woman rapidly started ripping components out of the machine displaying that particular bit of bad news, but it might have been nothing but a glorified clock completely unrelated to the launch system…
Whatever the truth of the matter, there could be no doubting that with a teeth-rattling shake, Vergeltungswaffen-2's primary engine had just ignited. Vergeltungswaffen-1 was, of course, doing the same, but Batman had just finished freeing himself and jumped (gliding with the aid of his cape) free of the blast radius.
Barbara Ann Minerva was not so lucky; she was somehow paradoxically "going nowhere fast" and being sent soaring through the air at a profoundly unpleasant speed.
At a time like this, there was really only one thing to do.
Hey, you still there?
The archeologist wasn't sure if this counted as "resorting to prayer" or not; that particular phrase typically carried with it an implication that no direct or obvious answer was expected.
"'Courrrse I am kitten." Answered the Egyptian Goddess Bastet, who had granted Barbara divine blessings along with her own unique form of insight.
Good, because as I am currently chained to a rocket headed towards a massive peace conference...
"Does it rrreally matterrr wherrre the rrrocket is going?" Bastet gave the distinct impression that she was yawning her way through that particular sentence.
She sort of had a point; the rocket could have been aimed at a perfectly empty field in the middle of nowhere, and that would have made the result any less fatal for its involuntary passenger.
Because I am currently chained to a rocket, having somebody to talk with to distract me from that fact while I wait for Diana to rescue me is very much appreciated.
"No prrroblem. I'll also warrrn you at the last moment, you still have time to trrransforrrm beforrre impact." Bastet promised.
That's convenient.
"I mean, you'rrre my Favorrrite Kitten. Besides, comparrred to all the superrrpowerrrs that's a prrretty small boon." Bastet insisted.
Barbara still wasn't sure why, of all the people currently alive on Earth, she was Bastet's favorite, but there was no denying how generous the cat goddess had been to her.
The only good thing about the archeologist's current situation was that she didn't have to watch exactly how close the rocket was getting to its destination; instead, she got a chance to see something much more uplifting currently coming up from behind Vergeltungswaffen-2… an Amazon Princess who (judging by her seated posture) was currently piloting an invisible jet.
The moment Diana drew within what she considered an appropriate distance, she leaned out of the cockpit and tossed her golden tiara.
Diana, I know you're good, but there's no way you're that good…
Luckily, as per tradition, Barbara could have shouted at the top of her lungs, and the universe would have still paid less attention than when Diana whispered. That was the only explanation for how the Amazon Princess' golden tiara managed to overtake Vergeltungswaffen-2, slice straight through the chains binding Barbara's left arm, before ricocheting to the side with an absurdly perfect rebound that promptly severed the chains restraining her right limb as well.
Huh, I guess you are that good. Seriously, how the f**k has someone who can do THAT not managed to capture Cheetah yet?
Such was the question Barbara couldn't help but ponder as she eagerly rolled off the side of Vergeltungswaffen-2, happy to see the last of her unwanted mode of conveyance.
Granted, this did mean that she was now plummeting from a very high distance towards some not especially soft-looking ground below, but at least she'd solved her Nazi rocket problem.
Indeed, a pair of missiles launched from the invisible jet soon turned Vergeltungswaffen-1 and Vergeltungswaffen-2 into so much swastika laden scrap metal.
That's my Princess!
Barbara couldn't help but rejoice at Diana's success.
Especially because Wonder Woman's next success turned out to be balancing herself on a wing of the invisible jet to perfectly catch the plummeting archeologist without so much as mussing her hair. Needless to say, Barbara had never been so glad that the Invisible Jet came with some kind of backup Amazon telepathic control system, for moments when your hands were busy cradling your recently rescued girlfriend.
"You know if we keep meeting like this, sooner or later you're going to have to upgrade that thing to a two-seater." Barbara chuckled, hoping to show Diana she wasn't currently suffering any ill effects from her brush with death.
"And miss out on getting to hold the woman I love in my arms?" The Amazon Princess teased while running a hand through Barbara's hair.
Do not slowly blink to show affection. Do not purr to show affection. You can do this, Barbara....
As Diana lazily banked the Invisible Jet back over Paula Von Gunther's base to make sure Batman had everything well in hand, Barbara took a moment to flash the stoic superhero an enthusiastic pair of thumbs up and her biggest smile.
He briefly paused in the process of hog-tying unconscious Nazis, shook his head, then went back to work.
The End
AN: "Vergeltungswaffen" was Nazi Germany's term for "vengeance weapons," the V1 flying bomb, and the V2 ballistic missile. The rockets Bruce and Barbara are strapped to being named after them is thus exactly the sort of in-joke I would expect to see in a comic book story.
Eva Braun was the name of Hitler's wife.
"Reichsadler" is the name for a fancy German eagle used in heraldry. If you've ever seen an image of an eagle clutching a Swastika (I'm not going to provide an example link for obvious reasons), that's what Barbara is talking about.
The "Letzte Bataillon" idea is a reference to the Manga/Anime Hellsing, except over there it was nazi vampires rather than them being cryogenically frozen.
After some Google searches, I found that Saxonian is evidently considered to be one of the funniest-sounding German accents, hence why Barbara feels like now isn't the right moment for it...
"Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS" is a famous/infamous porn movie about a female Nazi commandant of a death-camp/prisoner of war camp.
Kinder, Küche, Kirche translates to "Children, Kitchen, and Church," which was actually an Imperial German (as in the guys who were in charge during WW1) slogan describing what they believed to be a woman's place in the world. As a result of some Google searches, I found that the slogan was never official Nazi policy, but primarily because they weren't completely sold on the whole "church" part of the equation, they were still big fans of relegating women to bearing children and doing domestic chores. Given that Paula is a baroness, having her repeat an Imperial German slogan feels reasonable.
"Ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant..." is a famous quote from Tacitus describing the Roman Empire: "They make a loneliness[desolation][desert], and they call it peace". Paula (in the habit of fascists throughout history having horrible media literacy) is saying sincerely, nay proudly, what Tacitus meant as mockery, implying that she'll create "peace" by murdering everyone who isn't a Nazi.