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Narrator: The date is January 1943, and despite his failures in Africa and Stalingrad, all of mainland Europe is under Adolph’s thumb, with the Western Allies desperately seeking some way to regain a foothold in order to relieve pressure on Soviet armed forces who have suffered tremendous causalities ever since Germany turned on the nation it co-invaded Poland with.
Fearing that an attack launched into the teeth of well prepared enemy defenses might allow Hitler to regain momentum and once more turn the tide of war in his favor, the Allies plan to mislead the dictator about their forthcoming invasion of Sicily. To aid them in this effort, Britain employs a crack team of insane eccentric thinkers who are determined to…
I’m sorry someone seems to have given me the wrong set of notes. Lets try this again from the top...
The date is some month in the 2020’s and life is going quite well for Diana of Themyscira also known to the world as Wonder Woman. The Legion of Doom’s roster has been decimated by internal strife, Darkseid’s latest invasion of Earth foiled, Circe forced to swear an oath to abstain from harming or transforming others for a decade, Ares taught that the destruction of all mankind would be ultimately self defeating, and Veronica Cale is currently just another CEO with a Cluster B personality disorder.
The Amazon Princess who likes to boast that she has no enemies, seems shockingly close to making the words a reality (at least no enemies who can truly test her in combat), and the current state of relative peace in Gateway City has given her time to strike up a romantic relationship with an archeologist by the name of Barbara Ann Minerva.
But sometimes such moments are only the eye of a storm, and its entirely possible that Diana can ill afford to let her skills as in battle grow rusty just because she lacks for challengers. To help eliminate that particular possibility, Bastet the Egyptian goddess of cats, music and pleasure, along with her sister Mafdet, Egyptian goddess of cheetahs, justice and protection against snakes and scorpions, have joined into an agreement with the Greek Pantheon and are now liaising with Hermes, the Greek god of messengers, cunning and thieves to make sure that particular possibility doesn’t come to pass...
(Shot of Bastet sitting with her feet up on a desk singing a slow steady tune)
Bastet:
A mind that is sharp as a razor,
That knows how to scheme in the dark,
With speed that could easily dodge a laser,
And then deal out a witty remark,
They have so very many astounding attributes...
Hermes:
They're so vile and villainous...
Mafdet:
Can always outrun pursuits.
Bastet:
A real cad skilled at doing bad.
Ra:
So determined.
Mafdet:
No footpad.
Bastet:
These are the ingredients you need…
(The faux serious tone of her singing falls away as the musical tempo speeds up, Bastet gets up from her desk and starts dancing joyously)
Bastet:
When you're making a foe,
Making a villain,
Quick as we can,
Diana's in need,
Of a Wonderful foe,
A lithe ferocious feline,
A purrrfect example of what evil can be!
So we're making a foe!
Okay!
Step one, thinking caps on,
Gotta pull a fast one, fast on the 'Zon,
Gotta find a shell.
Hermes:
A live one?
Bastet:
Of course!
Mafdet:
Why not go to
a local zoo
Use an animal?
Bastet:
Maf, this is a secret mission,
Missing animals will raise suspicion.
Good thing I know the purrrfect woman to help us hatch this plan!
(Cut to the Bastet, Mafdet and Hermes astrally projecting to a particular location on the mortal world while remaining invisible, intangible and inaudible to the mortals around them)
Furry Chorus (holding an event in front of the Gateway City version of the Golden Gate bridge):
Welcome to Gateway!
We're furries,
And this is what furries wear.
Greek 'zons,
What d'you know about Greek 'zons?
Random Passerby:
Nothing at all!
Furry Chorus:
You gotta find out what went on with the Greek Amazons?
There's only one woman you should call,
She knows the vases, she knows the urns,
Knows about for what Sappho yearns!
It's Minerva, Minerva!
Introducing Barbie Minerva…
(Enter Barbara Ann Minerva, she has bags under her eyes, but said eyes also gleam with the worrisome energy of a fanatic)
Barbara (and furry Chorus):
Gods I know you're real so please tell me, (Minerva)
Why do I always get overlooked, (Dr. Barbie Minerva)
Make me more like dear Diana,
If not then maybe can-ya,
Just let me know that I'm not a monster.
I'm requesting divine blessing,
Such envy I'm confessing,
Unto you I'd dedicate my body, (Minerva)
Reshape me however you see fit. (Dr. Barbie Minerva)
Since whatever shape you pick,
I'll stop feeling like a tick.
Touched by the divine, for once feel fine,
Show me your shine, patron of mine today!
Mafdet (Obviously concerned about this women’s mental health)
Bastet, make it stop!
Barbara:
Athena, boy do I need yah,
Artemis, claim part of this (Barbara gestures at her body).
Has Mt. Olympus heard my name?
I hope they know that I'm not after mortal glory or fame.
Furry Chorus:
Why?
Barbara:
I'm pathetic…
Bastet:
You can see she’s primed to explode,
She’ll climb mountains if we just show her the road.
Mafdet:
Bast can't you tell that she's clearly insane?
So many things have broken her brain!
Barbara (and furry Chorus):
Deep down everyone all thinks I'm worthless, (Minerva)
When it comes to me the gods have nothing to say. (Dr. Barbie Minerva)
If got a chance that'd be rad,
Be the best follower you've had,
Or my name isn't Minerva, Barbie,
P-h-D!
I'll be your woman.
(Bastet slaps a hand on Barbara’s back and though the goddesses hand passes completely through Barbara, she still reacts in just the smallest way and briefly seems to smile)
Bastet:
Step two, leave a trail of clues
Gotta make sure she fits in with the right wrong crowd
So our supervillain has a life beyond
Fighting this one Amazon
Hermes and his inexplicable (they're union, they'll travel) chorus of backup girls.
So now I deceive,
Applause please.
I'll adjust the things she will believe,
Send some news,
Influence her views.
This will veil Diana's eyes,
So she'll never realize,
Cheetah is the one with whom she lies!
Mafdet:
Consider us impressed.
Hermes:
Wouldn’t settle for less!
(Cut to the three of them in unremarkable mortal forms going shopping to consider costumes for their supervillain)
Dressmaker:
Thirty four for the chest?
Hermes Backup Dancers:
Only the best for her!
Adrianna Anderson: (wearing a fursuit of Juno https://i.imgur.com/QKFefk8.png)
Need a little help Chummer?
Bastet:
What century are you in?
Adrianna Anderson:
Buzz.
Bastet:
Step three, blessings from me.
Mafdet:
You have to give her power in secrecy
Can't have Diana know
It would ruin your show
Bastet:
Maf, my sister, here you go.
Now it's a good plan, Maf, but it's got to be approved by every fusty patriarch in each pantheon...
Good luck!
(Mafdet soon finds herself standing before a gathering of Zeus, Ra and Odin, though Ra does flash her a warm smile)
Mafdet:
Patriarchs may I present our plan for giving Diana a true rival.
Her newest foe will been quite keen
Love can let her hide her spots sight unseen
She'll know Diana but not the reverse.
Odin:
Boring.
Zeus:
Is she under a curse?
Mafdet:
Give a shell some powers, okay a lot.
All three gods:
What?
Mafdet:
Make a fierce feline on the spot,
When she's on the hunt it's only the best for her.
Odin:
And for what purpose?
Mafdet:
She'll stay sharp.
Ra:
Won’t she win?
Mafdet:
They'll just turn and fly.
Zeus:
What kind of shell do you want to give divine power?
Odin:
That’s an excellent question.
Ra:
Fair point.
Zeus:
My wife looks out for her.
(Mafdet starts tugging on the ruff of fur around her neck since she’s not wearing a collared shirt to tug on)
Hermes:
A well known archeologist,
So clearly you get the gist,
Knows the divine...
Mafdet:
Herm, that is well said
Odin:
I’m quite impressed.
Hermes’ Backup Dancers:
Only the best for her!
(Later on the two sisters are talking in private)
Mafdet:
Bast, your plan to use this mortal as the shell for the scheme, it still bothers me.
Bastet:
What?
Mafdet:
You must know that this woman,
Might just snap from all the strain
Bastet:
It'll work out.
Mafdet:
But…
Bastet:
Maf the reason she's so
High strung is because she is lonely.
If a god actually empowered her, she will grow more sane!
Mafdet:
Bastet the thing about shells is that,
They can do anything they want with out power, the risk!
Bastet:
Sister, don't be so narrow-minded
Mafdet:
But I don't think it's narrow-minded.
Bastet:
Stop fretting about guidelines and rules.
Mafdet:
This is important, Bastet.
Bastet:
Now remember we are two of Ra's finest
Mafdet:
But I don't see what it's got to do…
Bastet:
And regulations are for cowards and fools!
Mafdet
But Bastet, we're responsible for how this thing is done!
Bastet
If we claim the final victory, who cares just how we won?
For when you write the book,
My sis, you're off the hook.
So just be a cat,
Cos we're making a villain!
Bastet and Hermes’ backup girls:
Quick as we can,
Diana's in need,
Of a Wonderful foe!
A lithe ferocious feline,
A purrfect example of what evil can be,
Making a foe!
Bastet:
We're doing well, Maf, now we’ve even got our shell!
Mafdet:
You still haven't changed your mind sister?
Bastet:
We’ll use Minerva.
Mafdet:
No! No, please, please don't make me have to see her again.
Bastet:
What a scaredy cat!
Mafdet:
Those intense blue eyes…
Bastet:
We're having this conversation in my divine realm,
There's no way she can find us here…
(Barbara Minerva somehow astrally projects (along with an astrally projected chorus of furries into Bastet’s personal realm causing both Bastet and Mafdet to look at each other in considerable consternation though Bastet’s expression soon turns from confusion to joy)
Barbara (and furry chorus):
My girlfriend was favored by gods from birth, (Minerva)
Half a dozen if you can believe. (Dr. Barbie Minerva)
She's such a better person,
It can make my demeanor worsen,
To be like her I simply can't conceive!
Bastet: (Rubbing her paws together)
She’s purrfect!
Mafdet:
This will not work!
Barbara:
Bastet (With wicked gleam in her eyes):
I'm a dealer!
Barbara:
I don't need six,
Five, four, three, or two, I only need one.
Yet in the end, me they will always shun.
Could things be different today?
Just for one time let me go the right wayyyyy!
(Barbara and her furry chorus vanish with no more explanation than how they arrived...)
Bastet:
Really makes you ask question about the nature of reality doesn't it?
(Ra arrives just as suddenly but far less mysteriously)
Ra:
Kittens, I've got news, your plan has gotten a talon up from the patriarchs!
Bastet:
That’s great dad, we've managed to find our shell!
Ra:
So who is your shell?
Bastet:
Wonder Woman's very own girlfriend!
Ra:
And what's she like?
Bastet:
Oh well, this is the best part
Mafdet: (Sensing something horrible is about to happen)
Bastet…
Bastet:
She is a black hole.
Ra (Shocked):
Excuse me?
Hermes:
Bastet!
Bastet (Still not reading the room):
Minerva lacks a single friend
No family, no one but Diana to care for
It’s purrfect!
(Athena enters Bastet’s realm as well)
Athena:
Where is Bastet?
Bastet:
Oh good…
Athena:
I did not allow you a chance to influence the life of Diana so you could turn it into a silly romantic farce!
Bastet:
You could have said "thank you" you know.
Athena:
You are out of control.
Bastet:
Athena, we are only doing this to help her.
Athena:
Do you really think you know what's best for Diana?
Better even than me, the true mistress of arcana!
This won't fly,
In some decades give it another try,
Maybe some ideas deserve to die.
What I do so hope to imply,
Miss Bastet,
This plan you should soon forget
Bastet:
Don't fear this is a scheme that I won't regret.
Athena:
You're making a mockery of this whole damn operation.
Bastet:
You are making a mess of every decision that you're making!
Athena:
You're making a spectacle!
Bastet:
Well, you're making it difficult to be sensible!
Athena:
You're making it about you 'cause you're bloody egotistical!
Mafdet, Hermes and Ra:
Oh my gods….
(Athena turns to leave)
Bastet:
Pallas... Just let me explain. Picture the scene...
(Athena slowly turns to face Bastet once again but crosses her arms to show her patience is wearing thin)
(Bastet reverts back to singing in the same more slow and serious tempo she began this song with, its tender and openly romantic)
Bastet:
One night she's prowling the urban jungle
Hermes:
With black spots worn like war paint.
Bastet:
Seeking Diana with a smile.
Mafdet:
She'll know that scent forever.
Bastet:
To consummate their rivalry with battle.
Hermes:
Always hungry for more.
Bastet:
Counts each second they share a blessing.
Mafdet:
They can't be parted.
Bastet:
You may not know much about love,
But there are few like these two.
Hermes:
She'd uproot an olive tree,
At her first request it's true.
Bastet:
Once the two of them start to fight,
They are sure to keep it up all night.
Mafdet:
A sparring partner who looks toward each new bout with delight.
Ra:
She'll want to fight Diana for love.
Bastet:
They go together hand in glove,
We are weaving, lies that are also true.
Believe in her, and she'll believe in you,
We’ve made you, a foe.
So, what do you think?
Athena:
It's.... good. It could truly work.
But I do think it's missing one thing...
Bastet:
What?
Athena:
She needs to be crazy, the kind of person who you can't ever fully predict.
Soldiers can't excel in war without a.... certain skill at... breaking all the rules in their way.
(A small ghostly version of Odysseus materializes on Athena’s shoulder two exchange surprisingly tender looks)
Bastet: (Voice noticeably choked up)
You're right. I agree.
Bastet (Voice back to normal):
Yet the future's clear as writing,
Minerva? She'd go down fighting,
For her love, her wife, or her Amazon squeeze!
(Athena reaches out, plucks one feather from her owl, and silently passes it to Bastet to show she’s been won over, then she leaves at which point Bastet and Hermes start dancing together with triumphant joy while Mafdet and Ra dance together in a far more restrained/cautious manner the music is one more the fast pace energetic tempo)
Bastet, Hermes, Mafdet and Ra:
So we’re making a foe,
Making a villain,
Quick as we can,
Diana's in need,
Of a Wonderful foe,
A lithe ferocious feline,
A purrrfect example of what evil can be!
Bastet, Hermes, Mafdet, Ra and backup dancers:
Damn, that's brilliant!
(Shot of Bastet researching all the various magical artifacts she’s blessed over the years until her eyes alight on one labeled “The Claw of Bastet”)
Really brilliant!
(Shot of Ra using his powers to disperse a magical storm that has long protected a previous hidden temple of Bastet)
Damn, that's brilliant!
(Shot of Hermes as a mortal postman delivering an anonymous report to the US government on the Claw of Bastet, a magical artifact so powerful supervillains are sure to go after it.)
They’ll never see it coming!
(Shot of US government officials crossing out options from a list of possible plans for dealing with the Claw of Bastet until they come to “Contact Dr. Minerva”. Meanwhile the words “Threat Level: A woman cut by this blade was able to defeat an entire army.” are written on a large blackboard behind them
Damn, that's brilliant!
(Shot of Barbara Minerva visiting a professor in a library to study up on Egyptian mythology while Mafdet’s mortal form watches them subtly over the top of the book she’s “reading”
Really brilliant
(Shot of Barbara’s passport with a fresh stamp from Egypt in it)
Damn, that's brilliant!
(Shot of Barbara in her Bombshell’s outfit https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/marvel_dc/images/b/b7/DC_Comics_Bombshells_Vol_1_22_Textless.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20170203210953 inside an Egyptian temple dodging poison darts being fired at her from a mechanism hidden in the walls)
So daring and so cunning!
(Shot of Barbara closing the lid on a metal case that now contains the Claw of Bastet)
Real cad skilled at doing bad...
(Shot of Barbara boarding an airplane with the case handcuffed to her wrist to ensure her custody of its contents)
So determined, no footpad...
(Indiana Jones style shot of plane flying from Egypt to Gateway City accompanied with line on a map)
These are the ingredients you need…
(Shot of Barbara taking the Claw of Bastet out of its case to show to Diana)
When you're making a foe!
(Diana has to abruptly depart to stop Giganta from robbing an armored car, after she leaves Barbara slams a fist on the table in irritation that she and Diana can’t have ten minutes together before a supervillainess shows up. The Claw of Bastet falls off the table Diana had put it down on the edge of, it tumbles end over end, and then gives Barbara Ann Minerva’s leg the most miniscule of cuts before it hits the floor)
(Bastet, Mafdet Hermes and Ra recreate this meme https://i.namu.wiki/i/BvaS_uQp5l_W8kD9gHQU2XwhKf3VJfiLqD2hSCQfX53rY0mbcNSEszbPJoqsek0FIFnohXLV0tNpZiKLPMbWalYHVPSFKpdZyPyc1RdupkgujJtb-9Fk-myXIamuyEtuBb4-hTWzOnleKOl5MaXpBZ-wG_KFlQXlhHeH7ygybtA.webp)
(Hermes and Ra both pop open bottles of ambrosia and start drinking)
(Bastet and Mafdet grab nearby catnip flowers and begin to crush them beneath their hands until they’re reduced to powder)
(Mafdet neatly roles up a piece of papyrus and uses it to inhale the powder through her nostrils)
(Bastet just buries her face in a huge pile of the stuff with a single fist raised upward in triumph)
The End.
AN: "Cluster B personality disorder" is a group that includes Anti-Social personality disorder (or being a psychopath in layman terms) which are indeed noticeably present more frequently in CEO's than the general population https://www.cnbc.com/2019/04/08/the-science-behind-why-so-many-successful-millionaires-are-psychopaths-and-why-it-doesnt-have-to-be-a-bad-thing.html granted I'd argue that Veronica Cale's problem is probably actually suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) but that is also a "cluster B personality disorder" so the line still works!
If you didn’t know it already Gateway City is inspired by San Francisco which so far as the people who study such things can tell has probably the most “furries per square mile” of anywhere else on Earth https://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Bay_Area_Furry. Hence why I decided to use a group of furries the same way Operation Mincemeat has a group of Cockneys when our characters go to London.
Hermes’ line
“She'd uproot an olive tree
At her first request it's true”
Might seem like a needlessly poetic way to describe how heavy an object a person would lift for someone they love. It’s theoretically that, but more importantly it serves as a reference to Odysseus (and Hermes would know, he’s the guy’s maternal great-grandfather) and how first he carved an olive tree into a bed for him and his wife Penelope. When he got back from the Trojan War, she told him to move their bed as a test, when he started complaining about how hard it would be to do that, she smiled and clarified that she just wanted to be sure it was actually her husband and not one of her other suitors/some god impersonating Odysseus, since only her husband would know the nature of their bed.
Thus, to someone well versed in Greek mythology it’s instead an obvious and clearly conveyed shorthand for being impossibly devoted to someone you love, so that not even being apart for twenty years would make you stop loving them. Also, you know, Odysseus and Penelope are like the one single love story that our Aromantic Asexual Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare (Athena) actually appreciates.
Originally in Changing Her Spots Barbara’s divine empowerment was just random happenstance and it’s been that way for roughly eight months, but because my mom knew my taste in music and I wanted to make a songfic (out of a song that’s just shy of ten minutes long) now I’m leaning toward making it a “through a mirror brightly” reflection of her Rebirth origin. It wasn’t just random chance, there were gods at play who wanted it to happen, because they knew exactly how Barbara would react once she got those powers.
Just as in Rebirth Phobos and Deimos know that Barbara will become a deadly enemy to Diana’s once she is given powers and a curse (oh and also lead to believe that Diana had betrayed her), Bastet knows that Barbara will become the supervillain equivalent of a wrestling heel (someone who pretends to evil in public) to Diana completely of her own volition without any external prompting once she’s blessed.
In Wonder Woman Volume 5 Issue 18, Phobos and Deimos say “Don’t worry about Minerva, she’ll make the wrong decision when the time comes.” Bastet however would in turn vouch “Don’t worry about Minerva, she’ll make the right decisions when the time comes.” Because the same qualities that make Barbara Ann Minerva crack under Urzkartaga's curse also make her respond like an eager puppy to most forms of positive reinforcement/attention, doubly so if it comes from a god.