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Stiles thought he knew all about heartbreak. He thought that it was the way he felt when Lydia first started going out with Jackson, or the way that it felt when he realized that she was always going to love Jackson and not him, but those feelings? They’re nothing compared to the way he feels when he finds Derek cheating on him.
Being with Derek is the first time that Stiles has really been able to be himself and someone, and still be loved. He can be the weird, hyperactive little bastard that no one else can handle, and Derek knows just how to love that person, and just how to calm him down, but when he sees Derek, kissing some woman, in their booth at the crap-ass diner on 32nd street, he feels his heart breaking like he’s never felt anything before.
Derek smells Stiles before he sees him, and turns, chasing after him, but it’s too late. By the time he gets to the parking lot, Stiles is in his jeep, doors locked, driving away.
Stiles’ phone starts ringing and buzzing every few minutes after that, Derek calling him, texting him, trying to get him to pick up, or at least say something, but Stiles stonewalls him. He doesn’t want to hear it because nothing that Derek could say will make up for the way that he feels right now, will make up for the crushing weight that’s pushing down his chest that he can’t quite seem to shake, no matter how hard he tries.
For a week, Stiles manages to ignore Derek before Derek gets the better of him, sneaking into Stiles’ open window when his father leaves for work on a Saturday morning.
“Get out,” Stiles says instantly, pointing towards the window that Derek just came through.
“Stiles, you gotta hear me out,” Derek states.
“No, I don’t. I loved you, I trusted you, you cheated on me, that trust is gone. I owe you nothing. Get. Out.”
“But Stiles…” Derek looks at his boyfriend, well, probably his ex boyfriend at this point. “Stiles, I love you.”
“I don’t want to fucking hear that!” Stiles stands up from his desk, glaring at Derek. “How do you think I feel? I love you, Derek, I love you so fucking much, and that’s what makes this so fucking terrible! I gave you everything I’ve never been able to give to someone else! I gave you my virginity, I gave you my heart, and I find you in our diner, in our booth kissing some chick? Fuck that, I don’t fucking think so.” He shakes his head. “You broke my heart, Derek,” he says, looking up, tears welling his eyes, his voice weaker with the last sentence.
“I know, Stiles, just let me explain.” Derek reaches out to take Stiles’ hand, to pull him in, to comfort him, but Stiles jerks away, and Derek understands, but he doesn’t like it.
“Explain what?” Stiles shakes his head. “That I’m not enough for you? That it’s gotta be someone else, because I’m not enough? God, Derek, you weren’t even trying to be discreet! If you were trying to send me a message, well done. Message received, loud and clear.”
“Stiles, it’s not like that!”
“Then what’s it like?” Stiles asks, arms folded tightly across his chest, tears slowly streaming down his cheeks, because as much as he loves the man in front of him, his heart is fucking broken, and nothing can compare to that kind of hurt.
“I love you,” Derek says again.
“Okay, well if that’s all you’ve got to explain, you can get out, and Derek?” Stiles glares at him. “Don’t call me, okay? Because I love you, I do, and right now I really wish I didn’t, because I can’t trust you. I can’t trust that the next time I come over unexpected, you won’t he in bed with Boyd, or Erica, or hell, even Isaac!” He throws his hands in the air, because he’s had enough. He fell in love, he finally gave his heart away, and Derek broke it. Stiles wants back what’s left of it, and he knows he can’t start fixing it until Derek leaves, and he can begin to let go.
“Just give me a second chance,” Derek begs. “Please.”
“No.” Stiles shook his head. “No second chances. I’ve been walked all over my whole life, by my friends, by their friends, by Lydia, and I’m not doing it. Not with you. You were supposed to love me, you were supposed to be there for me, and you cheated on me. This is on you, Derek. Maybe I’m not enough for you, not good enough or…or whatever the fuck it is, but I didn’t make you cheat, so you get to leave now, and you get to stay away, or I’ll call the cops.”
That, Derek can’t argue with. Stiles is the Sheriff’s son, so anything he tells them, well, they’re more likely to believe Stiles’ word over his own, and besides, he doesn’t want to get into some kind of legal battle with the boy – the young man – that he loves. Derek disappears out the window, and Stiles slams it shut, locking it before collapsing onto his bed, sobbing.
It’s the day after that where the gifts start coming. At first they’re small – a package of peanut butter cups with a note attached saying “I still love you. I’m sorry.” Then it’s a hot wheels model of a jeep with another note of a similar nature, then a pizza delivered on a Friday night where Derek knows the Sheriff is out, things like that.
After awhile, though, the gifts get bigger, or at least more expensive. Dog tags with Stiles’ name on them that were clearly made custom for him, a gift card for a new paint job for his jeep, because Derek knows how much he loves that car, a box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs, because while Derek has never understood Stiles’ sci-fi/fantasy tendencies, when the real world is full of the supernatural, he knows how Stiles feels about Buffy. The gifts all come with notes, that get longer and longer, and after a few weeks, Stiles stops reading them, but he keeps the gifts. He doesn’t use them, he just puts them in the closet, in a box along with all of the other things that he still has of Derek’s, other things that remind him of the relationship.
The gifts and letters keep coming, and honestly, they’re starting to drive Stiles a little crazy, because while Derek is keeping his distance in person, he’s making it really hard for Stiles to get over him when he keeps sending him things with notes attached that say “I love you.” When you worry that you’re unloved as much as Stiles does, it’s hard to let go of someone who says they love you, even if they’ve hurt you.
That’s why when, during a hot summer’s night when Stiles has his window open, Derek comes through and tells Stiles to sit down, and shut up so that he can explain, Stiles silently lowers himself onto the bed and let’s Derek talk.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Stiles, and I’m going fucking crazy, as I’m sure you can tell. I’ve called you a thousand times, sent you a thousand texts, a million little gifts and notes, because I’m trying to show you that it’s you that I love, and not the woman at the diner, okay?” Derek sighs, taking a deep breath and raking his hands through his hair, because it’s clear from the look on the other mans’ face that Stiles simply doesn’t believe him.
“Derek…”
“No, Stiles, I’m not done.” Derek shakes his head, and Stiles shuts up. “This is the last time I’m going to do or say anything, Stiles. This is my Hail Mary to get you back, and if it doesn’t work, I concede, okay? But I didn’t mean to hurt you. I kissed that woman in public because there were rumors, Stiles. Rumors that you and I were a thing, that I was forcing myself on you, and while no one had proof, I had to put those rumors to bed because they weren’t as false as they could have been. I didn’t force myself on you, but you and I? We were together, we were having sex, and if someone found that out…you’re underage, Stiles. We both know what would have happened.”
Derek pauses, taking another deep breath. He’s feeling shaky, because he knows that this is his last chance. He’s telling the truth, the whole truth, and if that’s not enough for Stiles, he’s going to have to say goodbye to him, forever, and he honestly doesn’t think that he can do that.
“I kissed that woman because I love you, because I didn’t want to be taken away from you, and we both know I would have been. I should have talked to you about it first, I should have cleared it with you, but I figured I’d do it while I had the chance, put the rumors to rest, and explain it to you afterwards, but you saw. You weren’t supposed to be there, Stiles, you weren’t supposed to see it. You were supposed to hear it from me for the sham that it was.” He takes another break, but this time, just for a quick breath so he can continue. “When I smelled you in there, when I saw you running from me, my heart shattered, Stiles, because I knew right then that it was going to be impossible for you to understand right away, for you to know why I’d done that.”
Stiles looks up at Derek, still trying to process everything, and he’s about to open his mouth to say something when Derek starts talking. Again, and Stiles wonders if he’s ever going to get a chance to say something again.
“I know that you feel inferior, Stiles. I know that you’ve felt that way ever since we met, and probably longer. I know that Scott neglected you for being a wolf, that Lydia neglected you for Jackson, that your dad works all the time, and that while you understand that, you hate making dinner, and eating alone. I know those things about you, and I wanted to help you feel loved, and when I realized I’d done the opposite, that I’d only made those wounds deeper, Stiles…it fucking killed me.”
Derek walks up to the bed and gets down on his knees, his hands reaching out and taking Stiles.’ He looks up at Stiles, imploringly, and Stiles doesn’t think he’s ever seen Derek look so vulnerable, not even when he was dying. Stiles gulps, but doesn’t say anything, because he’s still not sure that Derek’s done.
“I love you, Stiles,” he says softly. “And I’m starting to get the feeling that I always will, whether I have you or not, so just…just think about it, okay?”
Stiles had a million things to say all throughout Derek’s speech, but now that it’s over, he can’t think of a single one of them. He’s lost in those eyes, and that heartbeat, because even though he’s not a wolf, and he can’t feel and sense everything, he knows, deep down, where it counts the most, that he’s not being lied to, not this time. Derek is telling the truth, that everything he’s saying is real, and that he knows Stiles better than anyone else ever has, better than anyone else ever will.
He still can’t speak, so he leans down, kissing Derek softly, because as unloved as he’s felt every single moment since he caught Derek with that woman, he’s never felt as loved as he does right now, in this moment, and returns the kiss, his whole body collapsing against Stiles’ with relief, because he didn’t think he could have survived one, final rejection.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to.