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The thing about it was, Robert had honestly believed that for once, it would have been Andy. Sure, it had been Robert’s idea, but Andy was driving the car Max had died in. Andy was the one who swerved into the field. Andy is the one who got Max killed. And Robert had hoped, just that once, Jack would realize it had been Andy and not Robert who had brought this on.
In hindsight, it had been a flawed and naïve hope. He isn’t sure now why he ever believed for one second that it would work out that way. Andy had killed Sarah, and Jack had helped him, had guided him through the aftermath. Andy had shot Jack himself, and Jack had still chosen the orphan boy over his own son.
“Robert, I don’t hate you.”
Not: Robert, of course I love you.
Not: Robert, you are my son.
Not: Robert, I only want what is best for you.
Only ever a dismissal. Only ever a sort of indifference from his father. Even when Robert did the most destructive and reckless of things, Jack’s short temper always turned to apathy for his son, the blond boy who slept in his house and shared a last name.
He remembers hearing Aaron confess about his childhood with Gordon, and for a single second he had thought that he’d have liked to switch places with Aaron. Not for any selfless reason, but only for his mixed feelings about his own father to make some sense. If Jack had just done something barbaric, if Aaron had grown up with an indifferent father, then maybe things would have worked out differently. He still feels the guilt of that thought; he hadn’t wished to change places to protect Aaron from such an ugly man, but to have some reason to rationalize Jack’s relationship with Robert.
“Lunatic!” Jack had screamed, shoving Robert into the car’s hood and clutching angrily at his coat collar. And Robert had taken it, like he’d taken everything his father had ever thrown at him, because he had known, even way back then, that Andy would always come out on top.
“You drive ‘til you’re well away, and you don’t come back, do you hear me?”
Robert doesn’t realize where he is until he pulls his car off to the side of the road where he’d stood that day, the last time he’d been in Emmerdale. He’d stood at the fence and cried for the father he’d lost and for the father he had tried so hard to deserve. To be good enough for. He turns the car off and slides out of the heated interior to gaze out at the blackness before him.
“I want a mum and dad,” Andy had shouted. “And a brother like Robert, and a little sister like Victoria. I want to stay here!”
Here, the place that Robert can’t remember when it had stopped being his home. Maybe it was then. Maybe it was the moment Andy had moved into the house as his new pseudo-brother. Robert leans against the hood of his car and crosses his arms over his chest. It’s gotten cold outside and his suit jacket isn’t near warm enough. He hadn’t thought about that when he’d left the Wool Pack earlier; his only thought had been about getting away as fast as he could.
“I tried to get away, as far away from here as possible.”
“Well you should’ve tried harder.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Robert mumbles to himself.
“It’s your rightful place.”
“Sorry Andy, I don’t belong here anymore.”
Did he ever? Did he now? He’s startled out of his thoughts by the sound of a car approaching. It comes to a stop and Vic and Aaron hop out of the car.
“Robert!” Vic shouts, hurrying to his side. “You can’t just disappear like that.”
“I’m fine, Vic.” Robert sighs, pulling her into his side with an arm around her shoulders.
“You’re not, though, are you?” Aaron raises an eyebrow at him. “The police are going to find out about this, you know, and they’re going to charge Andy.”
“He’s already on the run. What does it matter?” Robert asks, staring back out at the foggy field in front of him.
“It means that he shot you, Robert!” Victoria exclaims.
“He didn’t shoot me.” Robert shakes his head. “He hired someone else to do it.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better?” Vic snaps at him.
“No, but you’re not the one who got shot. I don’t really think you can feel worse about it than me.”
“You’ve known, all this time.” Vic says. “How come you never said anything?”
“Because it wouldn’t have mattered.” Robert shrugs. “I deserved it; plus, no one would have believed me anyways.”
“I would have!”
“No, you wouldn’t have.” Robert shakes his head.
“Vic, can we have a moment?”
“You already had that, and you let him run off!” Vic glares over at Aaron.
“Vic, please?” Robert sighs. “Just give us a second. Where am I going to go?”
“Fine,” Vic huffs and walks back towards the car. Aaron steps up next to Robert. They are quiet for a long moment when Robert speaks,
“You know, I always wondered what he would think of me.” He says. “I mean, the Jack Sugden Seal of Approval was hard to come by for most, near impossible for me. I think he’d take one look at where my life is now and tell me I was disinherited.”
“Rob,” Aaron says softly.
“Or, what if Andy had been his real son? Or if I had been more help around the farm, or if I’d refused to leave and stuck around after Max’s death. He’d probably have shot me himself.”
“Robert, your dad loved you.”
“No, he didn’t hate me, and that’s not the same thing as loving someone.” Robert shook his head. “I’ve had this argument over and over again. With Diane, with Vic, with Katie and even with Andy. But they never heard the conversations we had had in private. They’d never heard Jack tell me that I was an insult to the family name. They didn’t realize the significance of Andy being given the farm after dad’s death.”
“He gave it to Andy because he knew you didn’t want it.”
“That’s not it.” Robert snaps aggressively. “My father was a traditional man, and he’d have given me the farm regardless because the first son in their family always got the farm. I’d of course have given it to Andy to run, but it was always meant to be mine. Andy knew that. Tried to give it to me at dad’s funeral.”
“I thought you didn’t go to Jack’s funeral.” Aaron frowns.
“I didn’t. Not really. I came back to Emmerdale, though. I don’t think anyone knows that. Andy was the only person who I talked to. He asked me to stay, but I just drove off. I wanted nothing to do with the family then. I hated all of them for letting what happened, happen. Dad just sent me away for something that was an accident. And Andy got to stay behind.”
“I think it’s too hard for you to see that Jack wanted what was best for you-“ Aaron tries but Robert is already shaking his head.
“No. Jack Sugden wanted a son who he could be proud of, a son who could keep the family farm running, would marry a nice girl, would settle down and make more Sugdens to continue the family line, even if it meant adopting a new son to replace the defective one.” Robert spits bitterly. “But you know what? I’m fine with all of that. I’m fine with being the runner-up to Andy. What I’m not fine with is being made the villain of the story for being someone my father didn’t like.”
“You don’t think you would have ever worked it out?”
“I don’t think so.” Robert slumps against Aaron’s side. “Jack was stubborn in his ways and I was stubborn in mine. It was always a contest to see who could piss the other off more. I think in the end, Andy became a sort of pawn in the game. I feel bad about that now; the things I’ve done to Andy were horrible. He’s my brother. But the truth is we wouldn’t be able to be family. Not in the way anyone wanted us to be. The way Vic always pushed us to be.”
“I’m sorry, Robert.”
“Me, too.” Robert sighs. He slips his hand into Aaron’s. “Let’s get back. I’m frozen.”
“Yeah,” Aaron motions to Victoria that he’s going to drive with Robert and then they both climb into the car.
“I always wonder how things would have gone if I’d stayed when Andy asked me to.” Robert says as he backs the car up to turn around. “Would we have killed each other or gotten along?”
“I can’t imagine you and Andy ever getting along in close proximity.”
“No,” Robert lets out a weak laugh. “No, I don’t suppose we ever would.”