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He hated the feeling that came with that hazy day in June. Every year, the same stranglehold on his heart began to seep in and his mind would race as he watched the clock ticking towards the looming hour of 7 AM. Without a word to the dogs, the cat, or the sleeping girl behind her closed door, Denji left home and began his long, quiet walk.
It was always like this. The routes that he had walked thousands of times felt foreign, discolored in a blurring reality that didn't feel like his version of Tokyo. In a way, it resembled Tokyo from back then, before he had finished disposing of the final pieces of Makima, before his life was thoroughly shattered and in need of a gentle hand. It was bullshit, an illusion. Denji knew that. The Tokyo that reverberated with the laughter of a Blood Fiend and the sighs of a distant friend was long gone, but the city itself hadn't changed much. He had changed. The city did leave one lasting curse upon him though, one he felt apprehensively pulled towards.
His feet hit the cool sand as he checked his watch, 6:45AM. He was early. The faint rays of the sun were only just beginning to crack the inky canvas above, but as they did Denji finally caught sight of the ghost that awaited him. Seated on the sand with her arms around her knees was a slim girl, her long violet braid floating along with her white dress in the morning sea breeze. Without a word, he sat down beside her and joined her in staring at the horizon.
===============================================================
The first time was an accident, an admittedly weak moment of sentimentality. For some reason, he had burned the date into his head; maybe he wanted to remember the day he left Tokyo and became a fugitive, or maybe he wanted to remember the last time he had seen the girl who had never arrived at the cafe. The tightness in his chest tugged at him, goading him to search for just a wisp of that feeling, the longing he had felt that day. The cafe was too painful, too many memories of too many good times. The beach they had washed up on together was easier, though the pain was profound in a different way. He had lost her here, he would never see those seaglass eyes again, but still even just the feeling of the sand or the sound of the crashing waves was enough to remember something that could've been.
He sat to watch the sunrise, a vignette of a distant memory. He could almost hear the crunching of sand, just like when she walked away from him; it was a sound that began to fill his head, drowning out all of the “what-ifs and maybes” that had been clouding his mind on the walk here. It was too late by the time he realized that it wasn't a memory. Beside him descended the familiar form of his first maybe-girlfriend, her jean shorts meeting the sand next to him as her tied t-shirt swayed in the wind. In her hands were those same gray-green sneakers she used to wear when they would goof around in that cafe that smelled like almonds and burnt sugar. For just a moment, Denji swore this was all a hallucination. A trick of the mind produced by too much time spent sipping adrenaline and too little time reflecting on himself.
The words that escaped her lips snapped that idea into pieces, however.
“It’s been a long time, Denji-kun.”
His heart almost exploded at the sound of that voice, a tone he had only barely managed to retain in his memory. She was real.
“Reze…” he whispered as he turned towards her. She didn’t meet his eyes, her gaze trapped on the glowing edge of the sea. After a minute, he joined her.
“Why are you here?” Denji asked quietly.
“Probably the same reason you are.” She answered without skipping a beat.
Even from the edge of his vision, he could see that same cold expression she wore the last time they were here. A mask of disinterest, a cage to hide her true feelings. At least that’s how Denji saw it.
“...I waited for you.”
“I know.”
The silence that followed brought with it a cold gust of wind.
“I heard you killed Makima.” She stated flatly.
Denji nodded slowly.
“It was awful. She took everything before I could finally put her down. I figured she took you too.”
“She did. I wasn’t all there, but I remembered getting chopped up by some familiar chainsaws.” She mused with a nostalgic smile.
Denji hung his head.
“...It wasn’t me, not really. If I had seen you there, I wouldn’t have just left you.”
Reze pulled her legs to her chest and laid her chin on her knees.
“I waited for you.”
“...’m sorry.” was all Denji could muster.
The sun was beginning to peek out, the warmth coming along with it. Denji was at a loss for words, time seemed to have done considerable damage to them. His mouth began to move, a better apology beginning to escape his lips before Reze cut him off.
“I came to say good-bye, Denji.”
Crying didn’t come easily to the blond boy, but an inadvertent tear escaped his eye, too quickly to hold back. It had been too long, he knew it, but some small piece of him hoped he could change her mind.
“I don’t want to. I never wanted to say good-bye to you at all; I wanted to go to school with you, I wanted to live with you.”
“...it’s too late for that. I’ve had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to decide where to go from there. I think my time in Japan is coming to an end, after everything I’ve been through, I don’t think I’m safe here anymore. I wouldn’t have done well at school anyway, who knows how far behind I am.”
“I’m going to school now, and I’m doin’ okay, and we both know I’m the dumber one between us. I’m pretty sure even Nayuta’s smarter than me.” Denji declared with a chuckle.
“...Nayuta?”
Denji smiled wistfully, his fingers drawing circles in the sand.
“I guess she’s sort of like a little sister to me. Public Safety found her in China, she’s the reincarnated Control Devil.”
Reze had a visceral reaction, scooting away a few inches and staring in disbelief. Denji turned and their eyes finally met. Reze’s eyes were wide in horror, her hand reaching behind her back.
“You’re raising another Makima?”
Denji turned, his brow furrowing at the accusation.
“No! She’s not like that! She’s just a kid, really! She’s a little weird, yeah, but she’s nothing like Makima!”
“...But she will be. God, I knew this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come back.” Reze muttered.
“Reze, wait!”
Reze stood up and brushed the sand from her thighs, pacing away for a few steps before turning and meeting Denji’s eyes one last time. For just a moment, her eyes flickered from quiet anger to deep sorrow.
“Maybe at one point I would’ve thought about staying with you, but with that thing around, I don’t think I could ever want to.”
Denji climbed to his feet, racing towards her, stopping only a step away.
“Can’t we talk about this?”
Reze backed away, Denji’s face twisting as she did.
“...no. I’ve had enough trouble in my life. This is good-bye Denji, don’t follow me.”
Denji reached an arm towards her as she turned away.
“Will I see you again?”
Reze stopped and froze for a moment, a soft voice carrying over as she turned over her shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Denji. I’ll never forget that summer. Even if it was just for a few days, you taught me that I really am allowed to find happiness. Do me a favor, forget about me. Don’t let me haunt you, and don’t let me stop you from finding your own happiness. Good-bye, Denji-kun.”
Denji stepped forward for a moment, but remembering her demand, he stopped. He stood, watching as her silhouette vanished among the hustle and bustle of the morning rush.
===============================================================
The second time was a gamble. It was a calculated risk, and Denji wasn’t particularly good at math. The date was even more burned into his memory, the time now freshly branded next to it. 7AM, June 14th. He stepped into Nayuta’s room, gently placing the blanket back over her shoulders before turning to leave. A small hand found his finger, pulling him back towards the bed.
“It’s still dark. Where are you going?”
Denji's mouth formed into a pained smile, his hand gently patting the small girl’s head.
“There’s somethin’ important I gotta do. Just go back to sleep, I’ll be back before you wake up. We can have pancakes for breakfast.”
Nayuta smiled sleepily and laid back onto her pillow.
“Be careful…” She whispered under her breath.
Denji softly closed her door and walked out into the breeze of a cool dawn. This time the journey to the beach was less of a daze and something more akin to a panic attack. Every wasted second felt like a needle in his palm, every wait at a crosswalk felt like an eternity. By the time his feet hit the sand, his watch beeped to indicate that his timing was impeccable. Soon enough, he was jogging across the sand, the lithe figure of a girl in a faded red sundress coming into view. Her hair had grown past her shoulders now, the initial impression giving off a new air of maturity as Denji came closer.
He was here, but now what? He couldn’t force a single sound out of his throat. He could only find his way down to the sand and turn to look at the face of the girl that choked his heart. Her eyes bore a heaviness that spoke volumes, but gave no answers. They sat in silence for a moment, only the gentle rumbling of the water filling the air.
“I thought I’d never see you again.” Denji finally whispered.
“You weren’t supposed to.”
“...But you came here, same day, same time.” Denji countered.
“I didn’t think you would bother remembering that. I also hoped you would’ve taken my good-bye seriously.”
“I did. It hurt a lot too. Still, I couldn’t help but hope that I’d see you just one more time.”
Reze slid her hand over Denji’s, her expression unchanged, her eyes still transfixed on the sea.
“...You’re not staying are you?” Denji asked solemnly.
He was met with silence. His heart echoing with sorrow, he turned his hand over, locking his fingers with Reze’s.
“...how’ve you been doin’? What’s life like away from here?”
Reze softly curled her fingers around his hand before letting out a long sigh.
“It’s hard. I’ve moved around a lot, but I still haven’t really found somewhere that’s clicked with me yet. I don’t really stay long in one place, maybe a month or two. I tried China, it was too crowded. Next I went to France, couldn’t really adapt though, I didn’t feel like I fit in. I stopped in Germany for a bit and it was nice, but there was still something missing. At some point I gave up and figured maybe I’d come here for a bit, just to clear my head.”
Denji stared at the powdery white sand, selfish thoughts lashing at his heart.
Maybe I’m what you’re missing. I know it’s you, you’re my missing piece. Please, just say that I’m yours too.
“Sounds tough.” were the only words Denji managed to respond with.
Reze dragged her finger through the sand, some deliberate design beginning to take form.
“How’s…Nayuta?”
A nervous tremble shook Denji from within. He had told himself not to bring her up, he never wanted to see that look Reze had given him ever again. He nervously turned towards her and was met with a reassuring smile, not unlike the one he vividly remembered from that one rainy night together.
He cast his eyes down, feeling unworthy to receive that kindness.
“She’s good, she’s in school now. Her powers are startin’ to come in, which is a little scary. Thankfully, she’s listenin’ to me and not using them for anything serious. She mostly uses ‘em to cheat on tests, which is sorta funny in a way. She’s a good kid, she’s got a good heart.”
Reze squeezed tighter on his hand. Her eyes drifted back to the drawing in the sand, a surprisingly detailed flower of sorts.
“You love her, don’t you?”
Denji took a deep breath, then a long sigh.
“I do.”
The sun was beginning to show its radiance beyond the sea once more.
Reze slipped her fingers away and stood up, brushing her dress free of sand along the way. Denji found his way up as well, staring into Reze’s eyes as the first beams of sunlight illuminated the mossy green hue inside. It was hard to meet her gaze without his heart painfully starting to hammer away, he hated this part.
“I guess this is good-bye, Denji-kun.”
“Will you come back?”
“I won’t. It feels like it’s harder to leave every time, I think it's best if this really is the last time.” She answered with a pained smile.
Denji raised his hand to her cheek, cradling her head softly as leaned closer. She met him halfway, her soft lips just barely caressing his, her shoes falling from her hand as she reached her arms around his neck. In between the crashing waves, the gentle breeze, and the feeling of warm affection remained an agonizing sense of an unavoidable mistake.
Reze pulled away, her thumb finding its way to Denji’s cheekbone and tracing it slowly as she searched deeply in his eyes for something she didn’t want to find. After a moment, she let out a frustrated breath and laid her forehead on his, closing her eyes.
“...It’s already hard enough Denji. For both of us.”
“Then why do you have to go?”
“Because you’re too busy being a hero and taking care of… Nayuta. There’s no place for me here. Especially when that girl is what she is. Maybe you don’t get it, but having my brain puppeted like that was one of the worst things I’ve ever felt, and I’ve had a Bomb put inside me. By force. I can’t Denji, I don’t feel safe, and I don’t know if you’d be able to stop her. I don’t think I can stop you either. And the superhero thing… I don’t want to be part of that.”
Denji opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t find the words inside the conflicted grimace that contorted his face.
“...but that’s what you want, isn’t it? I’ve seen you on TV, a lot actually. You love it, you love the attention, the fans, the thrill, it feels good doesn’t it?” Reze asked in a low whisper.
“It does! It makes me feel like I have a purpose, like people really care about me!”
“I care about you. I’m sure Nayuta does too. Isn’t that enough?”
Denji had no rebuttal. He knew he was being selfish. Fame was transient, but the high of watching crowds cheer for him was unlike any praise he had ever received from a redheaded boss or from a kind girl with a choker. Reze wouldn’t understand, he knew that. If he opened his mouth and tried arguing, there would be nothing he could convince her with. Or anybody, for that matter.
Reze pulled away from him and turned towards the street, her feet starting to move as she spoke.
“...I see. You know Denji, I really wish I hadn’t fallen for you. Every farewell is a new heartbreak, and every year is another eternity that I spend wishing I could’ve been there for you. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything, but maybe I could’ve stopped you from becoming… this.”
Denji jogged after her, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close, deep shaky breaths leaking from his lungs.
“I love you, Reze…”
Reze gently pried his fingers off and escaped his arms. Without turning back, she continued walking away.
“I love you too, Denji. But that’s exactly why I can’t stay. I won’t sit here and watch you chase some imaginary glory while that attention gets me and Nayuta killed. Take care of her, Denji. You never know what can happen when you’re putting a target on both your backs.”
“Reze please..!”
“Good-bye, Denji.”
Within seconds, her shape was lost to the crowd on the street, a profound emptiness forming in the pit of Denji’s stomach.
===============================================================
Her hair had grown so long; the purple braid stretched down her back, though she still wore her trimmed bangs the way she used to like. Despite the five years it had been since their first accidental reunion on this beach, Reze’s heart still raced the second she felt him sit by her side. Some part of her expected her heart to have grown some amount of emotional scar tissue, something to dull the ache that these days always brought her. Unfortunately, her heart hurt more than ever. Denji sat and hugged one of his knees, his eyes looking more rested than Reze remembered. Despite their inability to age, Denji looked… older. More mature, maybe? Reze couldn’t place it. Some part of her wanted to just get this over with, this yearly ritual of emotional torture was unnecessary. But she still wouldn’t dare miss it.
“I quit.” Denji announced unprompted. Reze turned to him, his eyes locked on a distant cargo ship that illuminated the shadowed sea.
“...what’s that mean?”
He turned and met her eyes with a proud smile.
“I… stopped being Chainsaw Man. Took a few years, but I couldn’t get those words out of my head; I even started dreaming of… awful stuff happening to Nayuta and… you.”
Reze’s lips curled up into a small smile as she slid her hand across the sand, slowly finding her partner along the way.
“Was it hard?”
Denji shrugged softly.
“After I finished school, it was sort of the only hobby I had so yeah, I guess. Working odd jobs at night, being a hero by day, it wasn’t too bad. The bills were a bit tight every once in a while, but I always made it work. Every time I went out though, I remembered what you said. At first I didn’t get it, you’re both strong and have Devil stuff, I didn’t see what the big deal was.”
He leaned back onto his elbows and relaxed, before continuing.
“...and then the dream almost came true. Nayuta got separated from me and some guy worked up a crowd and almost got her killed. I saved her and took that guy out, but then it finally all clicked. She ain’t immortal, she’s not like Makima. She doesn’t have a contract to get extra lives. With us, you just gotta rip out our hearts. It’s not as hard as it sounds. Shit, you almost killed me yourself, and all you needed was a knife!”
Reze chuckled at that, brushing her hair to the side as she did.
“...and a kiss. You should’ve just ran away with me, dummy.”
Denji smiled, a distant look on his face.
“I swear, I think about that every single day. Anyway, it all sorta made me realize that you were right. This hero shit isn’t fair, you drag everyone with you and before you know it, one mistake and you’ve lost them all.”
Reze nodded quietly, feeling vindicated in hindsight.
“I’m just glad you found out without having to lose her. How is Nayuta?”
Denji stared at her for a moment, a bit surprised. That question had come so naturally, with no hesitation. For a moment he could’ve sworn that Reze really cared about the answer. He turned back towards the encroaching red of the sky.
“She’s good, she’s growing into a good young woman. She looks like us now, it’s kinda scary. It feels like yesterday I had her thrown at me, this little brat that couldn’t be any older than 12 or so. But now, she’s like your height and has a pretty rough attitude.”
“What about the whole… Control part?”
“She’s gotten pretty good at it, but she also knows it’s not a toy and that it’s not somethin’ she should be using unless it’s like life or death, or whatever. She really gets it, it’s hard to think that Makima was the same Devil. Nayuta’s just… like us. She’s normal mostly, just a little powerful when she needs to be. I’m kinda proud, I never wanted to be a dad or anythin’, but maybe an older brother is allowed to be proud of a little sister right?”
Something stirred in Reze, a familiar feeling of warmth in her chest.
Maybe…
Maybe this time…
No…
“A couple of years ago you told me she was weirdly possessive, is she still doing that?”
Denji scratched the back of his head a bit before a small laugh escaped his mouth.
“I mean, it sort of comes with what she is, right? She’s been better about it though. At first even me having friends was too much for her. She’s chilled out, but she still sorta looks at me funny every once in a while if I’m with people.”
“Sounds like she’s a good little sister.”
“Yeah. You’d like her, I mean it.”
Denji propped himself up and reached for Reze’s hands. He held them for a moment in silence as the sun began to peek over the horizon.
“...I don’t want you to go. I can’t do this anymore Reze, it hurts. Every time you walk away with the sunrise, it takes me longer and longer to feel normal again; I don’t wanna wait another year to hold your hands again.”
Reze turned away, Denji’s eyes were piercing too deep, too painfully.
“All we’ve been doing for years is hurting each other, Denji. We should’ve stopped the first time. This time, I’m saying good-bye for real.”
“And then I’ll see you right here in twelve months. You always say that Reze, but you always come back. You’re always looking for where you belong, but we both know that you’re coming back here because something feels right.”
Reze squeezed his hands reflexively, her composure starting to slip.
“And you keep coming back here, knowing I’m going to break your heart! This isn’t right, Denji!”
“Don’t pretend you’re not breaking your own heart too!”
The waves lulled into a gentle hiss as their voices faded into the distance. Both of them trembled in each other’s hands as the sun finally appeared from the edge of the sky.
“Please, Reze. Let’s stop this, let’s go home. Nayuta knows about you, she knows how much you mean to me. Even the hero stuff is over, it’s safe… I promise.”
Silent tears fell from Reze’s eyes as she collapsed into Denji’s arms. They stood there for a long while, Denji holding her close as her eyes dripped softly onto his shirt. By the time she sat up and wiped them, the sun was totally visible, its full body shining in the bright blue sky.
“...I hope you like french toast for breakfast, that's all I know how to make.”
Denji sighed in relief before squeezing her a little closer.
“I’m more of a pancakes guy, but I’ll never say 'no' to that.”