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For years, Neil had welcomed the use of disguises, for years it’d been necessary to dye his hair, cut it short or even let it grow long, and wear colored contacts. Every time his roots began to show, his mother would rag him to the nearest store, a baseball cap on his head and pick another box of hair dye. By the end of the day, he’d be sporting a new color and a new shade for his eyes.
There was always a relief when he looked into the mirror and he couldn’t recognize his own face - his father’s face- when he saw someone completely different staring back at him. With each new look, would come a new name and backstory. They were never too descript and looking back, Neil couldn’t remember anything significant about the backstories that he and his mother had created. They’d just been trying to keep their heads down, keep themselves alive.
It had worked for a while. But all good things must come to an end.
Eventually Neil had joined the Foxes, found a family and home that he could call his own; and he went through hell and back with them by his side before they finally emerged victorious over the Ravens and Neil Josten was no longer a passing identity, but rather a real person.
He was Neil Josten.
Nathaniel still haunted his face though, every time he looked in the mirror, he saw piercing blue eyes and auburn hair, which sent his heart racing, letting panic claw his insides as fingers wrapped around the porcelain sink, white knuckled. Despite everything he’d gone through, everything that he’d done and everything he’d allowed to happen, the breaking of his own flesh, the smell his own burning flesh that he still remembered in vivid detail, wasn’t enough to get rid of Nathaniel when he looked in the mirror.
Years after he graduated from Palmetto State, when he was happily employed on a professional team with Andrew, and he had a home again, a small apartment with worn carpet, a boyfriend who shows affection through scowling and cats that never leaves the couch unless there’s food being prepared. It was his and it was permanent, something that Nathaniel could never have. But Neil did. Even with all that, he couldn’t bring himself to look into the mirror for too long, because surely, Nathaniel will make an appearance.
One day, he’s had enough, had enough of Nathaniel still controlling him despite it being years, despite Nathan sitting six feet under as well. He was no longer the butcher’s son, Nathaniel Wesinski had died years ago.
It took time, as all processes of recovery did, he wasn't going to wake up one morning, look in the mirror and forget all about Nathaniel. He was never going to forget about Nathaniel, because as much as he hated to admit it, Nathaniel was always going to be a part of him.
It started with making a point to glance in mirrors once in awhile, even if just for a brief moment, to catch the sight of cool eyes and auburn hair. With time, it slowly increased as people kept making comments about his appearance, how he was looking unkempt. So, he took to styling his hair, it was easy, it didn’t take long and didn’t require him to stare into his own eyes.
That’s how Andrew found him this morning, hands in his hair, running and tugging on his once hated curls. He’d grown to love them, taken to curling them around his finger when bored. For the first time in years, Neil looked into the mirror and he couldn’t see Nathaniel lurking in the shadows of his face, he couldn’t see him the bright happy gaze of his eyes or in the curls of his hair. This was entirely Neil Josten.
He was Neil Josten through and through.