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The hotel door felt hard for Haewon to open, like a physical weight that matched the sinking feeling in her chest. With the adrenaline of the stage finally fading away, Haewon found herself stranded in the quiet hallway. She stood paralysed in the dim light, knowing she should have left Lily's room a long time ago.
They had spent the last two hours sitting on Lily's bed, scrolling through clips from the Texas show. One typical fan-cam had taken over their feed - it was from their 'Love Me Like This' performance. In the clip, Lily had reached out and interlocked fingers with Haewon. The camera catches the visible surrender of Haewon. The way she looks down, her shoulders scrunching slightly, and her lips breaking into a flustered-looking smile. This moment was a spiking attraction to the fans as Haewon, who was usually very confident and in control, seemed to be genuinely caught off guard by the physical contact.
"You looked so cute, Haewon-ah!" Lily had laughed earlier, oblivious, pointing at the screen. "You actually looked shy for once. It made the performance feel so genuine."
Haewon had laughed along, because that's what a friend does. She hadn't told Lily that she wasn't acting shy. She was genuinely breathless because, for a couple of seconds, she had allowed herself to forget the thousands of glowing lightsticks. She had allowed herself to forget that Lily was holding her hand because there was an audience demanding to see it.
Now, standing alone in the hallway, the silence felt deafening.
The door to Lily's room clicked shut behind her, and Haewon felt the sharp fracture of their connection. In that room, they were just Haewon and Lily. Just two friends sharing snacks and laughing at clips posted by their fans. But the moment Haewon stepped into the hallway to return to her assigned room, the reality of their lives hit her.
She looked at her hand, the one Lily held on stage.
It was the quiet reality. She had 99% of Lily Morrow. She could have Lily's hand in hers whenever she wanted. She could have Lily's secrets, her late-night thoughts, her unfiltered rambles in English, and her tired smiles. But that final 1% she actually craved. The part that would look at her and see something more than a sister or a leader was the only thing she was destined never to touch.
To Lily, that handhold was a boost of adrenaline for the crowd, just a scripted bit of fan service performed with a friend she trusted so dearly. To Lily, their friendship was so secure that she could touch Haewon without a second thought. That was the most painful part. Lily trusted her so much that the possibility of Haewon wanting more never even crossed her mind.
Haewon leaned her head against the wall of the hotel corridor. She thought about going back in. She thought about turning back. She thought about opening the door and admitting that it wasn't just fan service for her and that the 'Haely' ship wasn't just nothing.
But then she thought about the group. She thought about NMIXX's reputation and how easily their success could fall apart. If she told the truth, she could destroy the comfort Lily felt when they were alone. She could turn their 'safe space' into something awkward.
A door opened further down the hallway, and a staff member stepped out. Haewon immediately straightened her posture, shifting back into her 'leader mode'. She wiped the trace of sadness from her face and replaced it with the calm, professional mask she wore so well.
She began walking towards her own room. Every step felt like a choice. She chose to be a friend. She chose to be the leader. She chose the version of their lives where they stayed together as a group, even if it meant she would always be standing just outside the door of the only heart she ever wanted.